Rising from the Depths: Finding Hope, Health, and Happiness

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Oh you know what i was you know what i was just thinking is that we should um

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you know let everybody know that this is our anniversary episode too yeah i

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didn't get you anything i you know what i didn't get you anything either i got you um,

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perrier here oh you got me some perrier let me know and i'll yeah and i'll grab

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any little baby bottles down and i got you i got you a coffee mug like how does

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this fucking work because I didn't know. It's completely opposite, bud.

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Music.

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Okay, cool. Let's do it. All right. Ready? I can't with you right now. All right. Ready?

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Are you good now? You're stretching out.

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Three two one welcome

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back to another episode of shit that goes on

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in our heads i am g-rex and my awesome partner in crime dirty skittles i'm dirty

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skills she is dirty skittles and we are super excited this is our anniversary

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episode we went live a full year ago and now a A full year ago.

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A full year ago. Can you imagine that?

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It's been a full year. This will be episode number 50-something.

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Yeah, 50-something. 50-something. 52, I think.

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52. 50, no. So still a baby. Still a baby. Still a baby. Older than you are. So tell me.

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Well, yeah. That's true, because I'm 18.

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I'm legal.

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You know, learning every day. And I'm 30. So, you know, it's all good.

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My body doesn't think so, but in my head, I'm 30.

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Yeah, I mean, I think mentally I am probably 54.

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Yeah, and I regressed. So like my true age is 60 and my mental is I'm in my early 50s again.

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I mean, I'm in a really good headspace.

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Yeah, a year ago, what would you say your mental was? What was the age mentally? Like 150.

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Oh, wow. Yeah. Yeah. So you think before you felt older?

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Older, more drained. You know, life came and bit me in the ass in like the hardest

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way I've ever been through.

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That year was probably even harder than the year my mom passed away because

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I just had a lot of shit I was dealing with.

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And I was so busy taking care of everybody else's needs. I wasn't taking care of my own.

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And so you were exhausted. I was exhausted.

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Mentally exhausted physically exhausted too

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because i wasn't sleeping right i wasn't eating right i

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was short with people and i

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was i was in a fog i was in this horrible fucking brain fog and you know i i

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honestly think i had to go through all that though to be where i am today and

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i i'm extremely fortunate you know but i also had to do a lot of work i had

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to put a lot of work into myself and my own mental health,

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and I had to make myself a priority,

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which was something that I was not used to doing, right?

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Being an empath, I'm so used to taking care of everybody else's crap that taking

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care of my own crap was something I didn't even think about, right?

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I just kept shoving it in the back and being like, oh, yeah,

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things are going to be fine.

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And then, you know, Christmas Day 2022 rolls around and I'm like, I'm fucking done.

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Like mentally fucking done. And also I can say is, you know,

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thank God, you know, some guardian angel, you know, had me call 988.

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My wife was home and I got therapy the very next day.

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But I don't think that if I think part of me, too, is like, you know,

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maybe there is something better on the other side of this.

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Yeah. You had hope still somewhere. I had a tiny glimmer of hope,

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but I mean, it was a lot of shit. it.

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Like that quarter, you know, my wife had gotten shingles.

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I decided to retire early for my job. I got catfished. I hit and killed a deer.

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I had a good friend die. My father-in-law passed away.

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You know, throw in some seasonal depression and then throw in some holiday depression.

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And then it was colder than fucking balls here, right? It was like minus 20.

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And that that whole weekend of Christmas, like none of our cars would start because it was so cold.

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And like, I just, I couldn't take it anymore. Like I just, I couldn't find my

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voice and I couldn't find my footing.

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And I just couldn't tell anybody what was going on because I didn't know how

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to do it. But, you know, that call to 988 literally saved my life.

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And it was the glimmer of hope that pushed you to make the call or?

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Yeah, because, you know, a little piece of me, like thought maybe something will change.

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Maybe something will get better and like i

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said you know the very next day i was in in therapy and

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then i was calling you every day and i

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you know i started like sharing my story my journey on social media and because

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i want people to feel as alone in their own journey as i felt mine right like

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i didn't know i know how to express what was going on inside of my head you

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know, shit that goes on in our head.

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I didn't know how to express that because I'd never felt that depressed before.

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And letting people know kind of where I was in my life, I had heard back from

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people on social media thanking me because now they don't feel alone, right?

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Because everybody's going through their own shit at some point in their life.

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And then I also found just by laughing, I felt so much better if I laughed.

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And some of those early conversations with you, I mean, I mean,

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we talked about shit that you shouldn't really talk about, but we laughed really, really hard.

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I mean, I think you should talk about everything. So for me,

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I'm like, let's keep talking.

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But can I just take a step back? And maybe this is just my interpretation of

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what you just said, but your small glimmer of hope and then you sharing your

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story on social media may have...

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Like ignited somebody else's small glimmer of hope

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and made it a little bit bigger do you know what i mean i i yeah

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i do not i do know what you mean i you know

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i want my story to be a story of hope right because life

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on this side of depression is a billion times better than i ever thought it

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would be and um you know i i've learned new i have like new tools and new tips

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and tricks to to help people like get to that other side, even if it's just a baby step, right?

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And one of the things I did learn is that I need to take better care of myself.

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My self-love and my self-care and my boundaries are super important to me now.

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And I wish that I had learned those lessons like 20 years ago.

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I think that my life would have been better, you know, sooner rather than later.

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And, you know, hindsight is 20-20.

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But, you know, there's so much to life. And, you know, the things that have

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happened since then, I'm eternally grateful for.

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Like, I've had some of the craziest things happen, but in a good way,

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right? Like, our podcast has taken off.

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I'm working my dream job. I get to spend time with my wife. I travel to Europe for three weeks.

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And I get to talk to you, like, every day.

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Yeah. It's fun. It is fun. And we hear from our guests all the time of like

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how therapeutic it is for them to talk in the mic.

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For me, it's easier for me to like share my story over a microphone than it

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is face to face. Because I get a little embarrassed, right?

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Because none of you, no one knew how depressed I was.

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Because on the outside, I was smiling and happy and hopeful.

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And on the inside, I'm beating the crap out of myself every single day.

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And all I wanted to do was die. I just...

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Physically and mentally, I was just done.

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And thank God for therapy. I am a huge proponent for therapy. I still go.

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And just hearing my therapist tell me how much I've grown, my friends, my wife, my family.

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You don't automatically get healed, though, by going to therapy.

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You have to put the work in.

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And that's what I did. I put the work in every single

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whole day and yes i still get depressed but now i

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have tools and like tips and tricks on how to

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make myself feel better and one of those

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is laughter if i can make myself laugh i

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can have somebody else make me laugh i instantly can come out of that and and

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think about you know what are my next steps and i'm i'm also found that like

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i don't get pissed off about shit as much as i used to anymore like something

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will happen and you know two years ago i probably would have stood you've done it for like five days.

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Now something happens. I sit on it for like 20 minutes. I'm like,

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okay, well, we need to come up with another plan.

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And, and when my wife sees that, she's like, the fuck are you?

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You were never like this way.

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And I'm like, I have a short man. You know, I have a lot of living to do in

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the short amount of time I have left. Right. I'm 60.

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I don't want to, you know, I don't really want to live until I'm 90.

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Cause if the, you know, if my body's gonna hurt then as much as it does now

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yeah psa to parents out there like if your kids are in sports right now i don't

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maybe take care of their physical health a little bit because the shit you do

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as a child comes back to haunt you,

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In the worst ways. Arthritis sucks.

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It does. Arthritis sucks. It makes things creak that you didn't think are supposed to creak.

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Yeah. So besides the podcast, what brings you joy in your day-to-day?

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Spending time with my wife. Because right now I'm working 30 hours a week.

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So I pop out of work at either like 3 or 4 in the afternoon.

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Afternoon and we get to do stuff right before it's dark outside.

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Spending time with her friends, you know, exploring upstate New York, right?

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Things that we never really did.

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We don't do it so much in the wintertime because the roads are slick and I don't

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really want to drive in the snow.

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The other things are, you know, writing. I'm

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doing a lot of writing lately and something I

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hadn't hadn't done in like forever I think

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I wrote when I was a kid but now I'm doing a lot of writing and

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getting a lot of mental clarity around stuff the

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other thing I've been doing is you know trying to help

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my wife around with like projects in the house you know

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using our tools she still gets a tiny bit afraid because you know we all know

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I have really tiny hands right and so I can't really rip can't rip the big tools

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and like I can't help like if you have to stand on a ladder I have to stand

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on a ladder that's like three times taller than her ladder you know.

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Seems to be short but I'm also

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finding that by doing like little small projects

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around the house like for the for the last probably two years you know I lived

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in clutter and now I'm I've started like cleaning up my space like I used to

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get mad and you know my wife would be like you need to clean your office and

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I'm like everything's got a place don't fucking move it but now I like look look at my office.

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I'm like, fuck, I can't work in this anymore, right? Because now that my head's

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cleared, I need my space cleared too.

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And so I take 15 minutes a day and I clean like one section of my office and

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then 15 minutes a day and I do one section of my bedroom.

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Like I've gotten rid of so much shit.

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It's like carrying around this extra baggage. Like why the fuck did I do that?

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And if I think about the extra baggage in my head, it's all that baggage.

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Why do you keep reminding yourself about the bad shit, right?

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Remind yourself about the good shit. Because you can't go back and change the past.

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No matter what you do, there's not a fucking time machine for that.

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I have now, you know, worked on, I'm working on living for the future or living

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for the moment, because those are the things that are most important to me is

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living for that moment, because you never really know what's going to happen tomorrow.

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Is there, is there anything that's helped you live in the moment.

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A tool or practice you didn't have before?

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One of the things I do is I take notice of the smaller, the small things, right? Right.

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Like, let's say our cats do something stupid, but in something that I hadn't

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paid attention to before or something's happening on TV or I'm out in nature and living for that.

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You know, it's something that you don't see. Like the other day when the squirrel

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took a tumble down the hill.

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OK, so I laughed. OK, whatever.

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But it was funny. And, you know, things that if you're really paying attention

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to what's going on around you, you see things that you hadn't seen before,

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like the way a certain person smiles or the way something smells.

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I've been like paying attention to like how things feel or how things smell,

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because those bring, they trigger like really good memories, right? Right.

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And if it triggers a bad memory, I try and like I give it like two minutes and

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then it's time to move on. Right.

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Because a memory is just a memory. Right. You can't go back and change it.

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But what you can do is with that memory, you can change the trajectory of what

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that memory reminds you of.

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Did it remind you of something good, something bad? So that's kind of what I've been doing.

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That's good. It's good to be mindful. So let me ask you a question.

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G-Rex a year ago was just starting therapy? Just starting therapy.

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If you could tell that version of yourself something that you've learned along

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the way as it relates to just starting therapy, what would you say? Love yourself more.

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Self-love should be your number one thing.

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You need to take care of of yourself and we all

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say it you need to put your own oxygen mask on

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first before you give it

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to somebody else being being the person

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i was being the empath that i was i was

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always giving that oxygen mask to somebody

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else before i put it on myself now i'm

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the first person man i don't care what happens you know

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what mask is going on i can

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breathe fine i take that like two or

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three minutes i'm like you know deep breaths i can't

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meditate though because i don't know like i'm

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a squirrel on crack okay i'll sit

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down i'll try and meditate and like

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all of a sudden like 50 things coming to

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my head so i can't do i can't do the

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meditation or the mindfulness in our

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traditional way so for me i'll write it

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down and so i journal about what what's

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going on so i can can go back and kind of reflect on

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okay so we had this shitty thing happen but you know look at what I did for

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myself to make the situation better and that's helped immensely okay that's

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good that's good I remember um being excited for you because therapy helped

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me so much that I was just waiting.

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To see how much it would help you. It's amazing.

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You know, like my therapist said, it was, you know, I was in like a cocoon state.

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And then, you know, once I finally like retired, right, mini retirement,

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then I started emerging from that cocoon.

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And now I'm like this beautiful butterfly, right? And I see myself as that butterfly.

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And it's like a butterfly of hope. and nurturing and

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self-love self-care and setting

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up some serious fucking boundaries like setting

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up those boundaries has probably been the best

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thing i've ever done right and if

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it smells like drama i don't deal with it very much anymore and i

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i wish it had those lessons even

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five years ago right because you know

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we we get into situations and not

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just our our personal life but in our work life too and

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we absorb absorb absorb but like what are we getting out of that we're getting

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ulcers we're getting pissed off you know and we don't just take it out on the

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people we work with but we take it out on the people that you know we live with

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and that's not something we We should be doing,

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you know, living in that moment means that I'm going to take care of whatever

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that shit is right now so that it doesn't get carried with me for the rest of

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the day. And sometimes I can't do it right away.

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But I can write it down and tackle it in little chunks.

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So that's what I've been finding. But for you, Darius Skittles,

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what have you seen in me, my change? And let's just say the last six months.

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You're happier. I'm happier?

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Yeah, you're happier. I think before, it's interesting because if I was to ignore

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this year, right? Right. And pretend like none of this happened.

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You were really good at wearing a happy costume, right?

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And almost like now when I think about it, almost going out of your way to wear the costume.

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And without knowing the genuine happy version of you now, nobody would have

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ever known otherwise. Otherwise, because there was no difference, right?

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We're wearing this costume as the happy person.

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So I think it came across as she's a happy person.

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And now seeing you almost more healed and self-aware and wiser, almost.

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There's a genuine happy. And it's not a costume. It's almost like it's coming

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from inside out versus just on the front, you know?

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And, you know, it's funny because I can feel it on the inside too, right?

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You know, before, like a year ago, like I couldn't feel happy inside,

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you know, because I kept all that horrible self-talk.

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You're a piece of shit. Your life sucks. You're never going to get anywhere.

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What's it? Why the fuck are you retiring? You don't have a job.

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All that stuff was like coming out. But now...

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Learning that you know journaling helps therapy helps like don't be you know

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don't let people talk you out of going to therapy there's all sorts of different

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kinds of therapy out there I actually had to go through three different therapists

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before I found the therapist that worked for me yeah that's the thing I don't

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think people maybe not everybody realizes,

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because it and I say that because I didn't realize that either in my journey

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to get through Through things that I needed to get through. I.

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It took. Two therapists.

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You know. Like I had done the therapy route. I had a therapist.

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We talked about the things that I wanted to talk about. And I just was like.

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I guess I'm supposed to do a worksheet. And be alright now. And I didn't feel any.

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Like there was no help from it. Right. So I thought well I'm destined or doomed to.

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This is my life is depression, right? Like that is just the kind of person I

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am. Some people are happy and I'm not right.

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And then I tried it again because I needed it.

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I knew that, okay, I've got nothing left to give. Let's try this again.

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And I just

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happened to get the right one and she was amazing

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yeah and you know like so

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that's the other lesson is just don't don't give up

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if it's if that therapist is not working out for

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you find another therapist there's and

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there's so many different types of therapies out there right

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now that hopefully you'll find the one that

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works for you i found the one that works for me i i

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do a couple of different therapies right so i do journaling that's

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a therapy for me i talk to somebody that's therapy

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for me laughter is therapy for

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me uh just keeping my you

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know keeping my endorphins up uh if

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i find that i'm like too sedentary because

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you know it does get pretty cold up here in upstate new

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york and makes me not want to go outside so i'll

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climb the stairs a couple of extra times during the day just

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to keep my heart rate going but don't give

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up on yourself because you can't find

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that right therapist or that right therapy there's

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so many different avenues out there keep working

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on yourself because as long as you make yourself happy it's going to be it's

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going to make that healing journey a lot easier and like for me i didn't drink

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from like january until april i started drinking again in April when I took.

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My three-week retirement party.

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But then, you know, I found that just by allowing my body to physically and

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mentally heal by putting that work into myself, I was a much better person.

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But it was hard to come to that because at my age, you know,

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we were taught that you never talk about your mental health.

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You shove that down until there is no fucking other place for it to go.

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And that's where I got. that's what came about on that

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christmas day is like the the

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cold snap that we had was really the

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last fucking straw right because our cars didn't

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start older than hell our pipes

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froze and i was like what the fuck

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else is gonna happen and you

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know i don't know who my guardian angel is or was

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it could have been my mom it could have been my grandma it could have

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been anybody buddy but they gave me

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that tiny glimmer of hope that i needed to

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get to this side and i'm so fucking thankful

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for it because my life right now is amazing i'm so thankful for you dirty skittles

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for my wife for my family for my friends give me the opportunity to show up

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as myself every Every fucking day.

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Sure. And now you're making me cry. And I was trying not to fucking cry. I'm not doing anything.

00:24:04
Trying not to cry. I'm just chilling. I'm just chilling. I think it's.

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Yeah, I think. I think it's great that you're sharing your story.

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And it's just going to keep building.

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You know, this isn't the end.

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This is just part of your journey.

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And there are going to be lessons that we'll continue to learn in life.

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Life and new things and tools that will.

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We'll learn as well to cope with that stuff. So yeah, even, I mean,

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I, I, for me, I needed the therapy.

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I'm a huge cheerleader for it.

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There's a couple of other things that you said that I'm like,

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I think that's great too.

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Like the journaling, getting outside of your space, go outside,

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go up and down the stairs.

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If it's too cold, you got to do something because giving Giving up is not the option.

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No. You know, and if I look back on it, you know, I have so many people in my

00:25:00
life that love me for who I am.

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Not what I am, but who I am. And it took a really long time.

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It took me probably until July of 2023 to start seeing myself the way that the

00:25:14
rest of the world sees me, right?

00:25:16
As a caring, fun person. do you think it's like not necessarily seeing yourself

00:25:22
like the rest of the world sees you but feeling the happy like because i saw

00:25:27
you as happy right yeah now now you're believing it.

00:25:32
I am and it took a long time right like i i'm sure i've been depressed you know

00:25:39
most of my life but man i'm telling you when life hit me like kicked me in the

00:25:44
balls in october through december it was a true awakening, right?

00:25:51
And I probably have needed therapy my entire life.

00:25:55
But I'm a huge proponent for it, right? And find shit that works for you.

00:26:00
And talk to your friends, talk to your family, try to find your voice,

00:26:04
try to find your footing.

00:26:05
As hard as it is, because I honestly, that was the hardest thing for me.

00:26:13
Journal, take notes. For caregivers out there, if you notice that,

00:26:18
you know, your partner, your friend, your co-worker is a little withdrawn,

00:26:22
maybe more tired than usual, a little snippy, check in on them.

00:26:27
Check in on your friends, your family, your co-workers, because everybody's

00:26:34
going through their own shit, right? And you don't really know what they're going through.

00:26:38
And just be fucking kind, people. Really, just be nice to each other.

00:26:43
Because your words hurt

00:26:46
words hurt actions hurt be honest

00:26:49
don't be an asshole when you're being right take consideration

00:26:52
what either you threw or what they may be going because you just

00:26:55
don't you know no none of my co-workers knew

00:26:58
my family had no idea and the problem

00:27:01
was I didn't know how to verbalize what the

00:27:03
hell was going on because I couldn't even figure it out yeah

00:27:07
what gave you the words therapy my therapist

00:27:11
gave me tips on how to

00:27:13
like verbalize what i was going through so

00:27:16
now if i can't find the words like to

00:27:19
verbalize it i write it down because then i can go back in and read it and figure

00:27:25
out the way that i want to verbalize that to to someone right whether it be

00:27:30
my wife my family my friends my co-workers my neighbors right i'm also finding

00:27:36
that just just smiling, right?

00:27:37
Smiling, I don't know, all of a sudden just kind of makes you happy on the inside, right?

00:27:42
Even if you're feeling crappy or a little low, just smile.

00:27:46
A trick that you taught me too was, you know, start taking pictures of things

00:27:51
that make you happy every day.

00:27:52
And then on your sad days, go back and look at those pictures.

00:27:56
And so I started doing that because Because I like to take pictures of all sorts of crazy shit.

00:28:03
But it triggers a happy memory and it can help kick me out of that mood.

00:28:08
See, you taught me something.

00:28:11
You know, credit to my therapist.

00:28:18
I wonder if I could give her a shout out. No, it's okay. So what's next?

00:28:23
What's next? So what are you looking forward to? Anything that you're going

00:28:27
to try out new or I don't know.

00:28:29
Yeah, so I'm finishing up my book.

00:28:33
Just about my experience, my tips, my tricks. things to help,

00:28:37
you know, caregivers, co-workers, friends, or people who were just feeling lost in the moment.

00:28:44
I am going to continue working my three-hour-a-week job, loving that.

00:28:50
I have started to think about like some different conferences that I'm going

00:28:56
to attend over the next couple of years, things that for creators.

00:29:01
I never really thought that I was a creator until

00:29:04
till we started this podcast and our message

00:29:07
is so good and people love what we what we're doing and

00:29:10
they love to hear from us so maybe taking

00:29:13
that to the next level spending time with my wife

00:29:16
you know as we get older we want to see and

00:29:19
do things why we're still physically able to do

00:29:22
it without having one of us push the other in a wheelchair I

00:29:25
mean not that that would stop us but like I

00:29:28
need need to go back to the gym so i could like you know

00:29:31
get a little beefier so i could do that if i

00:29:34
had to but um just bringing joy i want to bring joy to people's lives i want

00:29:41
to smile more live more i've i've found that over the last six to eight months

00:29:50
that i'm living more i live in that that moment.

00:29:53
And I really have to credit Liz, God rest her soul.

00:29:58
Her episode changed so much for my life.

00:30:02
It puts so much into perspective. Like now we actually have our wills and our

00:30:07
trust done and, you know, have a little peace of mind around that and seeing new places,

00:30:13
even if it's just like 20 minutes out from where I live right now and not taking

00:30:18
life for granted because you you never know what tomorrow holds. Love them.

00:30:25
Hi, all. Thank you so much for listening to this episode. I'm G-Rex.

00:30:30
And I'm Dirty Skittles. Don't forget to subscribe, rate, and review this podcast.

00:30:35
We'd love to listen to your feedback.

00:30:38
We can't do this without you guys.

00:30:41
It's okay to be not okay.

00:30:43
Music.