Part 1- Mental Breakdown to Breakthrough: An Artist's Journey Through Therapy with Guest Ruth

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Trigger warning. This episode talks about hallucinations, being taken advantage of, and helplessness.

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It also covers anxiety, depression, and paranoia. If you are feeling any of

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these, please skip this episode.

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Please know there are resources available to help. Please call 988.

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Music.

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All right, so I'm going to do the intro.

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Yep. Okay, you ready? Go for it, man. Yep. Three, two, one.

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Welcome back to another episode of Shit That Goes On In Our Heads.

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I'm G-Rex with my partner in crime.

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Dirty Skittles. And we have an amazing guest today. Her name's Ruth. Ruth. Ruth, welcome.

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Thank you. Thank you for having me. Thank you for being with us.

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How was your day today, Ruth? Not bad. You know, not bad.

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Okay. Living the dream, right? We like not bad.

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Yep. So Ruth, why don't you tell our audience a little bit about yourself?

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Hey, I'm an artist and author, and I began my career probably in about 1990 painting.

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Before that, I was studying architecture and I graduated with a degree in architecture in 1981-82.

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And for less than a decade, I worked in the construction field and the architecture field.

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And that's my history. That's your history.

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I know that you've had quite a mental health journey for quite a few years.

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And that's, you know, where we wanted to kind of steer our conversation and

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in hopes that, you know, your journey can really help somebody else out there.

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Absolutely. Yeah. My journey, my mental health journey started in 1977, my fourth year there.

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College taking an architecture program, which was a five-year program.

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I had returned in the fall of 1977 and my boyfriend didn't return.

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He went to another architecture program. He transferred.

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So that left me in a state I was nearly devastated.

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We were continents apart. He was in Europe and I was in upstate New York.

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And I was very lonely and isolated and I had dropped the core design course,

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which was the center of the architecture, my architecture class.

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So I lost touch with my architecture group where I used to, you know,

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share projects with and spend all nighters doing projects.

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And it was like a core of us. But when I dropped the design course the year

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before, I really lost my connection with my fellow architecture students.

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Anyway, so bringing you up to 1977, when I returned and my boyfriend wasn't

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there, I kind of befriended this other gentleman.

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He was a postgraduate architecture student.

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He was also aiding a teacher in a seminar.

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And the seminar was given by a foreign professor.

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And he talked about how socialism influenced architecture. texture.

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Anyway, be it as it may, I went home for Thanksgiving and then I came back.

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And this gentleman, we'll call him Dennis, he was giving a little bit of a college

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party and his roommate Hans was a PhD physics student.

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And at this party, there were about maybe eight PhD physics students,

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a very small party in their quaint apartment.

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And I was talking the whole time, hadn't eaten

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anything even I'd hardly drank anything and

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there was no drugs at the party no real alcohol

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maybe a little wine and soda well at the end of the party I stayed everybody

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left Hans and Dennis were there and Dennis offered me a brownie cake a very

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moist delicious brownie cake which was laced with angel dust,

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which is a PCP and it's worse than LSD.

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I innocently ate the entire brownie because I hadn't eaten.

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All of a sudden, I hallucinated. Everything caved in. My head was spinning.

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I wanted to jump out the window. They kept me from jumping out the window.

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I saw a bed of white candles surrounding me in a cavernous dark space and then

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what I did was I sat down on the bed and I just laid down for about an hour just to chill out.

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And after I chilled out, I got up,

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And I left the apartment. I left Dennis and Han.

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I just, I had to leave. I got in my car.

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I drove aimlessly.

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And all of a sudden, another paranoia struck me.

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And I imagined that there was a revolution going on between the capitalists

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and the socialists, which was influenced by that seminar course I told you about

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with the professor teaching socialism. that kind of echoed in my irrational thinking.

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And I drove and then I drove to the New York State Thruway. This is Northern New York.

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I went on the Thruway. I drove on the Thruway thinking that I could reach my

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boyfriend's brother who was going to school in Poughkeepsie.

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Then I turned around and said, no, I can't do that. I've got to go back.

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Then I turned around again and went down the highway.

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I finally parked my car on the shoulder of the highway.

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I got out of the car. I abandoned my car.

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I abandoned my bag. I left it in there, and I started walking on the shoulder

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of the highway for about 12 miles from midnight till dawn.

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Then dawn came, the sun rose, and reality hit me for a very little while,

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a short while, and I hitched a ride back to the college town where my apartment was located.

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The ride, he let me off on the bridge to the town, which was like several blocks to my apartment.

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I got out of his van, this driver who gave me the ride there.

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And I proceeded to walk to my apartment. And when I got to my apartment,

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my frazzled father was there.

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Dennis, this scheming male friend was there. Hans, his roommate, was there.

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My two roommates were there. I hardly acknowledged anyone. I was walking in my own bubble.

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My father and I took my things. I packed my bag, and my father and I left the college town.

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I had to abort my architecture studies.

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Abort my friends, which were distant to me anyway, and we headed down to Long Island where we live.

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He took me to a psychiatrist, and this was probably the hardest journey my father

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ever took since he was a soldier in World War II.

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Keeping me from jumping out of the car, trying to contact the psychiatrist along

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the way, it was the hardest journey for my father.

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We got to the psychiatrist which was

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about he was about located about 20-25 minutes

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from my home I had a session with him I did not say a word I did not trust him

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it was very novel to me I never in my life saw a therapist or thought I had

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to see a therapist he instructed my father that I had I experienced a nervous

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breakdown and that I can heal at home.

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Okay. No way. No way.

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Yeah. So, you know, it's lucky I survived that, you know, walking down a highway.

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Yeah, it's really, it was an incredible life-threatening event.

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But anyway, so I'm home and my mother didn't give me a hug, but she, you know, welcomed me.

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I think she was a little bit hard to accept this happening and very frightened.

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And my father, you know, he was always there and a little bit more supportive than my mother.

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However, the next three weeks I convalesced and my mother gave me,

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she instilled a structure where we would work on art projects.

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I would have three meals a day. It was a stress-free environment.

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And eventually I got better. But this was the beginning.

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Seven years, every six months to a year, I would break down.

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Some breakdowns were very life-threatening and some were like less life-threatening.

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But the psychiatrist that I had seen, I saw I was with him for seven years and

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my breakdowns were getting worse. They weren't getting better.

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And he really, he was a Freudian style therapist where he didn't say many words,

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offer any common sense or offer any shared experiences.

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And instead I would sit there and try to associate, free associate dreams or

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things happening to me and trying to delve in the past. but that it wasn't really that effective.

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He didn't offer any, any suggestion that I should limit my stimulus in life.

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And, you know, I had many boyfriends and many friends. I didn't connect with

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them because I led a double life.

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Nobody knew I was breaking down every six months to a year. So that was kind of isolating.

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And he, and this psychiatrist also kind of made a space between me and my parents.

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He wanted me to be more independent and less dependent on my parents and develop

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a support system outside of my parents, which further isolated me because I

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was ashamed of my breaking down.

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I was ashamed of my nervous breakdown.

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I thought I would never be accepted at that time.

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And back in the 1970s and 80s, therapy wasn't really that common like today it it is.

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And it wasn't, and mental illness was kind of shunned in the back closet.

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It wasn't really out in the open where people will talk about it and,

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you know, and more people, you know, today it's more open.

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It should be even more open.

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We have a lot to go, but back then it wasn't open and the medications back then

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were not as plentiful as today.

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I mean, you have a lot of medications for bipolar and schizophrenia and depression and anxiety.

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Back then you had two, you had Haldol and Thorazine. That's about the two medications

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that were back then. So I had that going on.

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And yeah, so this psychiatrist, as my nervous breakdown down continued over those seven years,

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he neglected the signs and symptoms and pattern that I developed for each child.

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Going down the path of a nervous breakdown. And those symptoms were severe insomnia,

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which developed more and more, anxiety, depression, paranoia, anxiety.

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Low self-esteem, and my mind was racing.

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I couldn't control my racing thoughts.

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And what stimulated these breakdowns was my social relationships at work,

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in school, something would tip

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me off I would get too personal with

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people at work especially too personal

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and being too personal I thought that they could see through me and see that

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I had these breakdowns and see that I was just not I was not I was a pariah

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I was not accepted in society because of my shunned nervous breakdowns and mental situation.

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And so, you know, those were the, those were seven years.

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And it, and by the way, also, I want to preface this.

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Before that, I, before I had that brownie with angel dust, PCP,

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two years before that, I had smoked marijuana a lot at architecture student parties.

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We had parties, and we would have feasts of food, and we would smoke marijuana.

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That was a period of six months in my sophomore year, which left me and lingered

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depression, anxiety, goalless, low self-esteem, and that compounded my study.

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My studies did not, I did not do well in my studies. That was lingering.

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And after the six months of that, I decided I better not do this. It's not good for me.

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But those effects of smoking marijuana lingered with me.

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And the combination of that lingering frustration, depression,

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and I couldn't do my work, coupled with the PCP, also just triggered this ongoing

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event of nervous breakdowns.

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So I have a question. So before your nervous breakdown, right,

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and the PCP, were you really an extrovert?

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Were you an outgoing person and had good social interactions or were you more of an introvert?

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No, I was an extrovert. You know, in my freshman year,

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we put on a skit in the architecture school and I was the key actor and I did

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very well and everybody was excited about me and I had a lot of friends.

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But the downfall was after I smoked the marijuana, I became more introverted.

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Up until that point, I wasn't.

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But that marijuana, you know, I really smoked it a lot.

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One evening, I smoked it and I blacked out. I had four hours of dark sleep, no dreams.

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And then I woke up and I said, from that moment on, I said, I can't do this.

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But it left me very quiet and introverted and low self-esteem.

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The low self-esteem really compounded over time.

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Yeah, and I was distant from my architecture friends.

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And as I said, my boyfriend didn't return. So that really, that really tipped

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everything. I have a million questions.

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Okay. I've been writing them down as you were speaking. But before I start asking,

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this is my first time hearing your story.

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So if I ask you something that's triggering or you don't want to talk about

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it, please stop me. I don't want you to have to work through that.

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Well, my first question, how old were you when you had that brownie?

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I think it was 1971, 21 years old. And did Dennis know that it was laced?

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Oh, yeah. He's the one who, he's a scheming guy. He wanted more.

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It's almost like the modern Me Too movement. He wanted more of a relationship.

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And I didn't want, I was platonic relationship.

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I didn't want any more. And he tried to coerce me into being intimate.

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And that didn't happen. And what he didn't plan on this happening,

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I he was surprised that I reacted this way, especially when he saw me the following

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day after I made my trek down the New York State Thruway.

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Way okay so I immediately

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hate Dennis yes but I have

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to ask more so what a scumbag

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so he let you eat the whole thing or did he like not that it matters honestly

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it doesn't even matter at this point yeah but I'm just curious how much of a

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scumbag he is did he let you ingest the entire brownie yes he walked me into

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the entire piece of shit I'm so fucking pissed right now yeah okay.

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Wow. I have to go to the next, my next question. Cause I was like,

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did he not get in trouble? Did Dennis not?

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No, I didn't put two and two together until, you know, and it was hard to prove

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because he said to me, he whispered to me, Oh, he said the professor and his

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wife bake these brownie.

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That's what he said. He didn't take responsibility for baking that brownie.

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And I couldn't really prove anything two or three years down the road.

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I mean, it took me a while have to figure it out put two and two together

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because I had such a low self-esteem yeah

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wow wow yeah what a

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piece of shit right I'm sorry sorry sorry Ruth oh yeah okay so so all right

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so you've ingested the brownie you have a reaction to it you take off and now

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you're on this freeway and you're walking on the shoulder of it on the shoulder

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on the shoulder of it in that moment moment,

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are you aware of what you're doing or how dangerous it is? I thought I was escaping.

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I thought spaceships were going to be coming for my people, abandoning me to an apocalyptic world.

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This is what's going on in my head. I felt like I was going to be abandoned,

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which is the worst feeling.

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And I was looking for the spaceships going down the shoulder.

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I was looking for the launch pads in my head wow wow

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what PCP can do to you that is I'm just trying to like you know put myself in

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that position I can't even imagine what that must have felt like okay so you

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get back you find your way back and your father is there yeah also scumbag Dennis

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piece of shit guy is there as as well.

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When you get home or get back to that place, I'm imagining nobody knew what was going on, right?

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Because I'm guessing Dennis didn't cop up to it, right? Wow.

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Yeah. So when did you share at all that you had a brownie that was laced?

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Because I think you said Dennis told you that they baked them,

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but he probably didn't tell you it was laced with anything.

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Yeah, no, No, I didn't tell anybody because I didn't realize what he did,

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the remedy of the scheming that he did.

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I didn't realize it at that point. It took me a while to figure it out because

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don't forget, I had a paranoid mind.

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I was so paranoid from the PCP that I just didn't reason and say,

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you know, how could you do that in front of everybody?

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I should have said, how could you give me that money? I didn't do that.

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Yeah, and my questions weren't for just, not that I, just to set it clear,

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it's not for that. I'm trying to imagine that.

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What everyone else had to figure out, right?

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I mean, if like I wouldn't know and you don't know, it's damn,

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like you're really starting with nothing there, right?

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It's like everybody's just assessing whatever's presented in front of them and

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not knowing something happens to cause it. They just thought I went through

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a breakdown, but not the PCP cause.

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Right. You know, because it actually was like 24 hours I was missing. I was missing a person.

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And the irony is the police, the

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state police found my car on the shoulder of the highway and

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the car was registered to my father's business so

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they called my mom and state police called my father

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and told them we found this car does it belong to you and then my father after

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after that my father traveled all the way up north you know to my apartment

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that's what i was gonna ask i'm like how did your dad know did dennis cop up

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to okay Okay, so that makes sense.

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Not only that, but the irony is they found papers in the back of my car,

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like, talking about socialism and architecture and really, and they thought

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I was like some sort of dissident with this writing about socialism.

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Wow. And they said that to my father. That's messed up.

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That's fucking wild. And the therapist that you were seeing,

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you really felt like he wasn't really seeing what the true issue was, right?

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No, he wasn't effective. You know, I kept getting worse, not better.

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Yeah, that's what I was thinking of when you were talking about his,

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like the Freudian therapy style.

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And I'm like, if you're, if you don't understand what's happening there,

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then yeah, I feel like that would be almost more negative than positive.

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It was, it was. He didn't really catch on.

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And he, and I developed these pattern, a pattern over time.

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We're all creatures of pattern and habit. And my brain had this web of connections

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that I would have symptoms like every six months to a year.

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And they became obvious. And he never asked me, are you sleeping? Are you eating?

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You know, during those times of duress. And it would just compound itself. Yeah.

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And so this is only the tip of the iceberg. I should tell you more about other breakdowns.

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So I before we jump into there, I'm curious at what point or how long after

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were you able to put two and two together?

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Oh, it took at least maybe two or three years, you know, and I never went back

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to that college and I never went back to see Dennis or anybody else.

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I never I just it was a complete schism what

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a piece of shit I fucking hope he is somewhere right now just what a horrible

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person yeah yep my word okay so for two or three years you're having breakdowns

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you have these patterns you have a psychologist who's not helpful,

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no and you know what and also I had too much stimulus in my life I would do

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too many things And I went beyond my limitations.

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I didn't understand my limitations. We all have limitations.

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You know, and then the stimulus would get me, you know, into a dither of compounded anxiety and paranoia.

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And I would think that people could see through me. And I became disengaged.

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You know, it's hard to explain, but that's what would happen.

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Yeah. Imagine that was hard with your professional life too, right? Right.

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Because you couldn't make those connections that in your mind you thought you could do it.

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But the more you thought about it, you just couldn't do it because you thought

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for sure they could see through you.

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Yeah, absolutely. And, you know, and, you know, and also I'll give you another example.

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My breakdown in 1983 occurring around Christmas time, I'd been working at a

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firm, an architectural firm. firm.

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And I really didn't do well at my work.

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I, you know, I wasn't, I was very creative and a very good designer,

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but drafting was not my, drafting at that moment, at that time was not my thing.

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I couldn't really draft that well, but you had to start somewhere in working

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in a corporate structure and the architecture would be drafting.

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I never really got past that drafting of rudimentary tasks.

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So I was kind of like dwindling in the architecture field.

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Anyway, the firm had a Christmas party and it was a Christmas time and the weather

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was freezing and I started to.

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I started, symptoms started coming to me again. And I thought that I was a pariah

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and I thought that I didn't do well at the firm and that they didn't respect

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me because I wasn't doing very well.

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It was also male dominated at that time. And since it was male dominated,

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you really had to be, prove yourself as a woman.

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I mean, you had to be 100% better. And I wasn't, and I didn't realize that.

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And I didn't have a mentor to say to me, Ruth.

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You've got to beat them. You've got to do really well. You've got to perfect your.

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Working habits. And then I also would talk a lot.

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I would get personal and talk a lot to co-workers, which was not good either.

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So that kind of led me down a path where I believed that they could see through

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me and see that I'm breaking down or I break down and I was ashamed.

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So that compounded my low self-esteem. It compounded my work abilities.

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It compounded my relationships.

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I couldn't really connect with anybody, even though I had a lot of people in

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my life. It was a jungle, but I couldn't connect.

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I didn't emotionally or intellectually connect with anybody on some level,

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even though I had a lot of people around me.

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Anyway, I was living with my boyfriend, another boyfriend that I met in the

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garage of the apartment building that I was at.

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He had been living with me at least around, he'd been living with me for a couple of months already.

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And he wasn't, he lived, now he lived through this with me and he thought I

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was a second class citizen because I was going through this.

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He couldn't really accept it. But anyway, um.

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The Christmas party came. I couldn't go to the Christmas party of the firm.

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I felt, I just felt like a pariah.

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I'm in my apartment. I'm pacing back and forth. I had to run. I had to get out.

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And we'll call this boyfriend, Morty. He called my father.

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And Morty was going down to Florida to visit his parents and leaving me.

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He had made a plane fare down. He didn't care.

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My father came to the apartment. He said to Morty, you can leave.

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You can go to Florida. Go.

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So my father was with me, and he tried to keep me from going out of the apartment.

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I was pacing back and forth in a dither.

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I had hardly any sleep, hardly eating anything.

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I didn't eat anything. I was just walking back and forth.

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I had to escape. I had to go to the airport. airport, I'm dreaming that we're

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going to have another revolution and I was going to be abandoned.

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And I couldn't even connect with my father when he was there to save me.

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I couldn't connect with that.

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I made my way out of the apartment. I got in my car in the garage.

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I drove to Kennedy Airport thinking that I can take a plane to Israel.

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I wanted to take a plane to Israel.

00:27:26
Very unrealistic. I didn't know where the plane was. I didn't have my passport or anything.

00:27:30
I went in and out of the airport thinking that I've got to find the airplane.

00:27:34
In and out of the airport.

00:27:36
Finally, I went out of the airport. I drove to Jamaica, Queens Bay,

00:27:41
which was near the airport.

00:27:43
This was the coldest winter, the coldest Christmas night, Christmas Eve recorded.

00:27:50
It was like 16 degrees with a wind chill factor of zero. Again,

00:27:55
I parked my car by the shoulder of the little highway road. I got out of the car.

00:28:01
I walked to the water, Jamaica Bay.

00:28:06
I went in the water and my quilted coat felt like steel, iron, weighing me down.

00:28:13
I walked out of the water and I stood there in the mound of snow for about seven hours.

00:28:22
I just stood there, like just stood there.

00:28:27
And my father called the missing persons and the police found my car.

00:28:32
It was a rented, a rental car.

00:28:34
They found my car. And then I, this was in the morning and I walked towards

00:28:38
them and they saw me and they took me to Jamaica hospital.

00:28:42
And again, I was still paranoid. I was laying in a stretcher. My father came. name.

00:28:49
He hired an ambulance to take me to this hospital, a private hospital near our

00:28:56
home, about 25 minutes from our home.

00:28:59
And I was in the psych ward for three weeks.

00:29:02
I was in a wheelchair because my feet were frostbite.

00:29:07
They were like near, parts of it were black and my feet had to,

00:29:12
you know, get better and improve.

00:29:16
And I was in the wheelchair for a total of six weeks.

00:29:19
And I had to, you know, take bandages off and put topical ointment on not to

00:29:25
have an infection and a whole process of taking care of my blackened feet.

00:29:29
So that was an example. No sleep. the psychiatrist didn't even do anything same

00:29:37
one that that was in 1983 i think it was a 19 yeah 1983 of course i had breakdowns

00:29:45
before then but that was like another major league breakdown,

00:29:49
was it the same psychiatrist same psychiatrist hi all thank you so much for

00:29:54
listening to this episode i'm g-rex and i'm dirty skittles don't forget to subscribe

00:30:00
rate and review this podcast We'd love to listen to your feedback.

00:30:05
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00:30:09
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00:30:11
Music.