**Trigger Warning:** This episode discusses sensitive topics including hallucinations, being taken advantage of, helplessness, anxiety, depression, and paranoia. Listener discretion is advised. If you are experiencing any of these feelings, please consider skipping this episode and remember that there are resources available to help you.
**Episode Description:**
Ruth's story takes us through her experiences with severe mental health issues that began in college, involving an incident with a PCP-laced brownie, which led to intense and life-threatening hallucinations. Her narrative offers a profound insight into the devastating impact of drug misuse and the complexities of navigating mental health in a world that was less accepting and understanding of these issues in the past.
**More About Ruth:**
- Ruth's background as an artist and author, and her transition from architecture to art.
- The triggering event of consuming a PCP-laced brownie and its aftermath.
- Ruth's ongoing battle with paranoia, anxiety, depression, and recurring mental breakdowns.
- The challenges she faced with the healthcare system and finding effective therapy.
- Her journey towards healing and coping strategies.
- Memoir "Journey of the Self-Memoir of an Artist" was published in 2020.
- Website: http://www.ruthponiarski.com
**Resources for Mental Health Support:**
- Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance (DBSA): https://www.dbsalliance.org/
- Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741 for free, 24/7 crisis counseling.
- Mental Health America: https://www.mhanational.org/
- NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness): https://www.nami.org/Home
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: Call 988.
- Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA): https://www.samhsa.gov/
Ruth's experience is a stark reminder of the importance of mental health awareness and the need for compassion and understanding towards those struggling. Her resilience and ability to transform her struggles into strength are truly inspiring.
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Thank you for joining us on this journey, and remember, it's okay to not be okay. Just make sure you're talking to someone. Stay tuned for more episodes where we delve into the unspoken and often misunderstood aspects of mental health.
#MentalHealthMatters #MentalIllnessAwareness #AnxietySupport #DepressionHelp #FightParanoia #HallucinationsAwareness
#NervousBreakdownSupport #TherapyJourney #EndSocialIsolation #AddictionAwareness #SubstanceAbuseRecovery #PTSDHealing #BipolarDisorderSupport #SchizophreniaAwareness #ArchitectureLife #EducationJourney #PersonalJourneyDiscovery #SurvivalStoryInspiration #JourneyOfIntrospection #ChallengeSocietalNorms #WomenInArchitecture #MentorshipMatters #SelfEsteemBoost #PersonalGrowthPath #ResilienceBuilding #CopingMechanismTools #SupportSystemsStrength
S05E10 - Part 1- Mental Breakdown to Breakthrough: An Artist's Journey Through Therapy with Guest Ruth
00:00:00
Trigger warning. This episode talks about hallucinations, being taken advantage of, and helplessness.
00:00:07
It also covers anxiety, depression, and paranoia. If you are feeling any of
00:00:12
these, please skip this episode.
00:00:14
Please know there are resources available to help. Please call 988.
00:00:21
Music.
00:00:38
All right, so I'm going to do the intro.
00:00:42
Yep. Okay, you ready? Go for it, man. Yep. Three, two, one.
00:00:48
Welcome back to another episode of Shit That Goes On In Our Heads.
00:00:51
I'm G-Rex with my partner in crime.
00:00:55
Dirty Skittles. And we have an amazing guest today. Her name's Ruth. Ruth. Ruth, welcome.
00:01:00
Thank you. Thank you for having me. Thank you for being with us.
00:01:04
How was your day today, Ruth? Not bad. You know, not bad.
00:01:08
Okay. Living the dream, right? We like not bad.
00:01:12
Yep. So Ruth, why don't you tell our audience a little bit about yourself?
00:01:17
Hey, I'm an artist and author, and I began my career probably in about 1990 painting.
00:01:27
Before that, I was studying architecture and I graduated with a degree in architecture in 1981-82.
00:01:37
And for less than a decade, I worked in the construction field and the architecture field.
00:01:45
And that's my history. That's your history.
00:01:48
I know that you've had quite a mental health journey for quite a few years.
00:01:54
And that's, you know, where we wanted to kind of steer our conversation and
00:01:58
in hopes that, you know, your journey can really help somebody else out there.
00:02:03
Absolutely. Yeah. My journey, my mental health journey started in 1977, my fourth year there.
00:02:13
College taking an architecture program, which was a five-year program.
00:02:17
I had returned in the fall of 1977 and my boyfriend didn't return.
00:02:25
He went to another architecture program. He transferred.
00:02:30
So that left me in a state I was nearly devastated.
00:02:35
We were continents apart. He was in Europe and I was in upstate New York.
00:02:39
And I was very lonely and isolated and I had dropped the core design course,
00:02:47
which was the center of the architecture, my architecture class.
00:02:52
So I lost touch with my architecture group where I used to, you know,
00:02:57
share projects with and spend all nighters doing projects.
00:03:01
And it was like a core of us. But when I dropped the design course the year
00:03:06
before, I really lost my connection with my fellow architecture students.
00:03:12
Anyway, so bringing you up to 1977, when I returned and my boyfriend wasn't
00:03:19
there, I kind of befriended this other gentleman.
00:03:22
He was a postgraduate architecture student.
00:03:25
He was also aiding a teacher in a seminar.
00:03:28
And the seminar was given by a foreign professor.
00:03:33
And he talked about how socialism influenced architecture. texture.
00:03:37
Anyway, be it as it may, I went home for Thanksgiving and then I came back.
00:03:43
And this gentleman, we'll call him Dennis, he was giving a little bit of a college
00:03:49
party and his roommate Hans was a PhD physics student.
00:03:55
And at this party, there were about maybe eight PhD physics students,
00:04:00
a very small party in their quaint apartment.
00:04:03
And I was talking the whole time, hadn't eaten
00:04:07
anything even I'd hardly drank anything and
00:04:10
there was no drugs at the party no real alcohol
00:04:13
maybe a little wine and soda well at the end of the party I stayed everybody
00:04:18
left Hans and Dennis were there and Dennis offered me a brownie cake a very
00:04:27
moist delicious brownie cake which was laced with angel dust,
00:04:33
which is a PCP and it's worse than LSD.
00:04:38
I innocently ate the entire brownie because I hadn't eaten.
00:04:42
All of a sudden, I hallucinated. Everything caved in. My head was spinning.
00:04:49
I wanted to jump out the window. They kept me from jumping out the window.
00:04:52
I saw a bed of white candles surrounding me in a cavernous dark space and then
00:04:59
what I did was I sat down on the bed and I just laid down for about an hour just to chill out.
00:05:09
And after I chilled out, I got up,
00:05:13
And I left the apartment. I left Dennis and Han.
00:05:18
I just, I had to leave. I got in my car.
00:05:22
I drove aimlessly.
00:05:25
And all of a sudden, another paranoia struck me.
00:05:29
And I imagined that there was a revolution going on between the capitalists
00:05:33
and the socialists, which was influenced by that seminar course I told you about
00:05:37
with the professor teaching socialism. that kind of echoed in my irrational thinking.
00:05:43
And I drove and then I drove to the New York State Thruway. This is Northern New York.
00:05:49
I went on the Thruway. I drove on the Thruway thinking that I could reach my
00:05:55
boyfriend's brother who was going to school in Poughkeepsie.
00:06:00
Then I turned around and said, no, I can't do that. I've got to go back.
00:06:03
Then I turned around again and went down the highway.
00:06:07
I finally parked my car on the shoulder of the highway.
00:06:11
I got out of the car. I abandoned my car.
00:06:15
I abandoned my bag. I left it in there, and I started walking on the shoulder
00:06:19
of the highway for about 12 miles from midnight till dawn.
00:06:25
Then dawn came, the sun rose, and reality hit me for a very little while,
00:06:31
a short while, and I hitched a ride back to the college town where my apartment was located.
00:06:38
The ride, he let me off on the bridge to the town, which was like several blocks to my apartment.
00:06:45
I got out of his van, this driver who gave me the ride there.
00:06:51
And I proceeded to walk to my apartment. And when I got to my apartment,
00:06:55
my frazzled father was there.
00:06:59
Dennis, this scheming male friend was there. Hans, his roommate, was there.
00:07:05
My two roommates were there. I hardly acknowledged anyone. I was walking in my own bubble.
00:07:12
My father and I took my things. I packed my bag, and my father and I left the college town.
00:07:21
I had to abort my architecture studies.
00:07:24
Abort my friends, which were distant to me anyway, and we headed down to Long Island where we live.
00:07:33
He took me to a psychiatrist, and this was probably the hardest journey my father
00:07:40
ever took since he was a soldier in World War II.
00:07:43
Keeping me from jumping out of the car, trying to contact the psychiatrist along
00:07:49
the way, it was the hardest journey for my father.
00:07:53
We got to the psychiatrist which was
00:07:56
about he was about located about 20-25 minutes
00:07:59
from my home I had a session with him I did not say a word I did not trust him
00:08:05
it was very novel to me I never in my life saw a therapist or thought I had
00:08:11
to see a therapist he instructed my father that I had I experienced a nervous
00:08:16
breakdown and that I can heal at home.
00:08:20
Okay. No way. No way.
00:08:23
Yeah. So, you know, it's lucky I survived that, you know, walking down a highway.
00:08:29
Yeah, it's really, it was an incredible life-threatening event.
00:08:33
But anyway, so I'm home and my mother didn't give me a hug, but she, you know, welcomed me.
00:08:38
I think she was a little bit hard to accept this happening and very frightened.
00:08:43
And my father, you know, he was always there and a little bit more supportive than my mother.
00:08:49
However, the next three weeks I convalesced and my mother gave me,
00:08:55
she instilled a structure where we would work on art projects.
00:09:01
I would have three meals a day. It was a stress-free environment.
00:09:05
And eventually I got better. But this was the beginning.
00:09:12
Seven years, every six months to a year, I would break down.
00:09:18
Some breakdowns were very life-threatening and some were like less life-threatening.
00:09:27
But the psychiatrist that I had seen, I saw I was with him for seven years and
00:09:35
my breakdowns were getting worse. They weren't getting better.
00:09:39
And he really, he was a Freudian style therapist where he didn't say many words,
00:09:49
offer any common sense or offer any shared experiences.
00:09:53
And instead I would sit there and try to associate, free associate dreams or
00:09:59
things happening to me and trying to delve in the past. but that it wasn't really that effective.
00:10:05
He didn't offer any, any suggestion that I should limit my stimulus in life.
00:10:11
And, you know, I had many boyfriends and many friends. I didn't connect with
00:10:17
them because I led a double life.
00:10:18
Nobody knew I was breaking down every six months to a year. So that was kind of isolating.
00:10:25
And he, and this psychiatrist also kind of made a space between me and my parents.
00:10:31
He wanted me to be more independent and less dependent on my parents and develop
00:10:35
a support system outside of my parents, which further isolated me because I
00:10:40
was ashamed of my breaking down.
00:10:43
I was ashamed of my nervous breakdown.
00:10:46
I thought I would never be accepted at that time.
00:10:49
And back in the 1970s and 80s, therapy wasn't really that common like today it it is.
00:10:57
And it wasn't, and mental illness was kind of shunned in the back closet.
00:11:01
It wasn't really out in the open where people will talk about it and,
00:11:06
you know, and more people, you know, today it's more open.
00:11:10
It should be even more open.
00:11:13
We have a lot to go, but back then it wasn't open and the medications back then
00:11:17
were not as plentiful as today.
00:11:20
I mean, you have a lot of medications for bipolar and schizophrenia and depression and anxiety.
00:11:28
Back then you had two, you had Haldol and Thorazine. That's about the two medications
00:11:32
that were back then. So I had that going on.
00:11:36
And yeah, so this psychiatrist, as my nervous breakdown down continued over those seven years,
00:11:46
he neglected the signs and symptoms and pattern that I developed for each child.
00:11:55
Going down the path of a nervous breakdown. And those symptoms were severe insomnia,
00:12:02
which developed more and more, anxiety, depression, paranoia, anxiety.
00:12:09
Low self-esteem, and my mind was racing.
00:12:13
I couldn't control my racing thoughts.
00:12:16
And what stimulated these breakdowns was my social relationships at work,
00:12:23
in school, something would tip
00:12:26
me off I would get too personal with
00:12:28
people at work especially too personal
00:12:32
and being too personal I thought that they could see through me and see that
00:12:37
I had these breakdowns and see that I was just not I was not I was a pariah
00:12:43
I was not accepted in society because of my shunned nervous breakdowns and mental situation.
00:12:52
And so, you know, those were the, those were seven years.
00:12:56
And it, and by the way, also, I want to preface this.
00:13:01
Before that, I, before I had that brownie with angel dust, PCP,
00:13:06
two years before that, I had smoked marijuana a lot at architecture student parties.
00:13:13
We had parties, and we would have feasts of food, and we would smoke marijuana.
00:13:20
That was a period of six months in my sophomore year, which left me and lingered
00:13:27
depression, anxiety, goalless, low self-esteem, and that compounded my study.
00:13:35
My studies did not, I did not do well in my studies. That was lingering.
00:13:41
And after the six months of that, I decided I better not do this. It's not good for me.
00:13:46
But those effects of smoking marijuana lingered with me.
00:13:51
And the combination of that lingering frustration, depression,
00:13:56
and I couldn't do my work, coupled with the PCP, also just triggered this ongoing
00:14:05
event of nervous breakdowns.
00:14:09
So I have a question. So before your nervous breakdown, right,
00:14:13
and the PCP, were you really an extrovert?
00:14:17
Were you an outgoing person and had good social interactions or were you more of an introvert?
00:14:24
No, I was an extrovert. You know, in my freshman year,
00:14:29
we put on a skit in the architecture school and I was the key actor and I did
00:14:35
very well and everybody was excited about me and I had a lot of friends.
00:14:41
But the downfall was after I smoked the marijuana, I became more introverted.
00:14:47
Up until that point, I wasn't.
00:14:50
But that marijuana, you know, I really smoked it a lot.
00:14:53
One evening, I smoked it and I blacked out. I had four hours of dark sleep, no dreams.
00:14:59
And then I woke up and I said, from that moment on, I said, I can't do this.
00:15:04
But it left me very quiet and introverted and low self-esteem.
00:15:09
The low self-esteem really compounded over time.
00:15:13
Yeah, and I was distant from my architecture friends.
00:15:16
And as I said, my boyfriend didn't return. So that really, that really tipped
00:15:21
everything. I have a million questions.
00:15:26
Okay. I've been writing them down as you were speaking. But before I start asking,
00:15:30
this is my first time hearing your story.
00:15:33
So if I ask you something that's triggering or you don't want to talk about
00:15:35
it, please stop me. I don't want you to have to work through that.
00:15:39
Well, my first question, how old were you when you had that brownie?
00:15:44
I think it was 1971, 21 years old. And did Dennis know that it was laced?
00:15:52
Oh, yeah. He's the one who, he's a scheming guy. He wanted more.
00:15:55
It's almost like the modern Me Too movement. He wanted more of a relationship.
00:16:00
And I didn't want, I was platonic relationship.
00:16:03
I didn't want any more. And he tried to coerce me into being intimate.
00:16:09
And that didn't happen. And what he didn't plan on this happening,
00:16:14
I he was surprised that I reacted this way, especially when he saw me the following
00:16:20
day after I made my trek down the New York State Thruway.
00:16:24
Way okay so I immediately
00:16:28
hate Dennis yes but I have
00:16:30
to ask more so what a scumbag
00:16:33
so he let you eat the whole thing or did he like not that it matters honestly
00:16:38
it doesn't even matter at this point yeah but I'm just curious how much of a
00:16:42
scumbag he is did he let you ingest the entire brownie yes he walked me into
00:16:46
the entire piece of shit I'm so fucking pissed right now yeah okay.
00:16:52
Wow. I have to go to the next, my next question. Cause I was like,
00:16:56
did he not get in trouble? Did Dennis not?
00:16:59
No, I didn't put two and two together until, you know, and it was hard to prove
00:17:05
because he said to me, he whispered to me, Oh, he said the professor and his
00:17:09
wife bake these brownie.
00:17:11
That's what he said. He didn't take responsibility for baking that brownie.
00:17:16
And I couldn't really prove anything two or three years down the road.
00:17:19
I mean, it took me a while have to figure it out put two and two together
00:17:22
because I had such a low self-esteem yeah
00:17:26
wow wow yeah what a
00:17:29
piece of shit right I'm sorry sorry sorry Ruth oh yeah okay so so all right
00:17:36
so you've ingested the brownie you have a reaction to it you take off and now
00:17:43
you're on this freeway and you're walking on the shoulder of it on the shoulder
00:17:47
on the shoulder of it in that moment moment,
00:17:49
are you aware of what you're doing or how dangerous it is? I thought I was escaping.
00:17:56
I thought spaceships were going to be coming for my people, abandoning me to an apocalyptic world.
00:18:03
This is what's going on in my head. I felt like I was going to be abandoned,
00:18:07
which is the worst feeling.
00:18:09
And I was looking for the spaceships going down the shoulder.
00:18:12
I was looking for the launch pads in my head wow wow
00:18:17
what PCP can do to you that is I'm just trying to like you know put myself in
00:18:24
that position I can't even imagine what that must have felt like okay so you
00:18:29
get back you find your way back and your father is there yeah also scumbag Dennis
00:18:34
piece of shit guy is there as as well.
00:18:36
When you get home or get back to that place, I'm imagining nobody knew what was going on, right?
00:18:45
Because I'm guessing Dennis didn't cop up to it, right? Wow.
00:18:51
Yeah. So when did you share at all that you had a brownie that was laced?
00:18:55
Because I think you said Dennis told you that they baked them,
00:18:58
but he probably didn't tell you it was laced with anything.
00:19:00
Yeah, no, No, I didn't tell anybody because I didn't realize what he did,
00:19:05
the remedy of the scheming that he did.
00:19:08
I didn't realize it at that point. It took me a while to figure it out because
00:19:13
don't forget, I had a paranoid mind.
00:19:15
I was so paranoid from the PCP that I just didn't reason and say,
00:19:20
you know, how could you do that in front of everybody?
00:19:22
I should have said, how could you give me that money? I didn't do that.
00:19:27
Yeah, and my questions weren't for just, not that I, just to set it clear,
00:19:33
it's not for that. I'm trying to imagine that.
00:19:37
What everyone else had to figure out, right?
00:19:41
I mean, if like I wouldn't know and you don't know, it's damn,
00:19:44
like you're really starting with nothing there, right?
00:19:47
It's like everybody's just assessing whatever's presented in front of them and
00:19:50
not knowing something happens to cause it. They just thought I went through
00:19:52
a breakdown, but not the PCP cause.
00:19:56
Right. You know, because it actually was like 24 hours I was missing. I was missing a person.
00:20:01
And the irony is the police, the
00:20:04
state police found my car on the shoulder of the highway and
00:20:07
the car was registered to my father's business so
00:20:11
they called my mom and state police called my father
00:20:14
and told them we found this car does it belong to you and then my father after
00:20:22
after that my father traveled all the way up north you know to my apartment
00:20:27
that's what i was gonna ask i'm like how did your dad know did dennis cop up
00:20:30
to okay Okay, so that makes sense.
00:20:31
Not only that, but the irony is they found papers in the back of my car,
00:20:35
like, talking about socialism and architecture and really, and they thought
00:20:42
I was like some sort of dissident with this writing about socialism.
00:20:46
Wow. And they said that to my father. That's messed up.
00:20:50
That's fucking wild. And the therapist that you were seeing,
00:20:54
you really felt like he wasn't really seeing what the true issue was, right?
00:21:01
No, he wasn't effective. You know, I kept getting worse, not better.
00:21:06
Yeah, that's what I was thinking of when you were talking about his,
00:21:09
like the Freudian therapy style.
00:21:11
And I'm like, if you're, if you don't understand what's happening there,
00:21:15
then yeah, I feel like that would be almost more negative than positive.
00:21:18
It was, it was. He didn't really catch on.
00:21:22
And he, and I developed these pattern, a pattern over time.
00:21:25
We're all creatures of pattern and habit. And my brain had this web of connections
00:21:32
that I would have symptoms like every six months to a year.
00:21:38
And they became obvious. And he never asked me, are you sleeping? Are you eating?
00:21:44
You know, during those times of duress. And it would just compound itself. Yeah.
00:21:50
And so this is only the tip of the iceberg. I should tell you more about other breakdowns.
00:21:55
So I before we jump into there, I'm curious at what point or how long after
00:22:02
were you able to put two and two together?
00:22:05
Oh, it took at least maybe two or three years, you know, and I never went back
00:22:12
to that college and I never went back to see Dennis or anybody else.
00:22:18
I never I just it was a complete schism what
00:22:22
a piece of shit I fucking hope he is somewhere right now just what a horrible
00:22:28
person yeah yep my word okay so for two or three years you're having breakdowns
00:22:35
you have these patterns you have a psychologist who's not helpful,
00:22:40
no and you know what and also I had too much stimulus in my life I would do
00:22:45
too many things And I went beyond my limitations.
00:22:49
I didn't understand my limitations. We all have limitations.
00:22:52
You know, and then the stimulus would get me, you know, into a dither of compounded anxiety and paranoia.
00:23:02
And I would think that people could see through me. And I became disengaged.
00:23:07
You know, it's hard to explain, but that's what would happen.
00:23:11
Yeah. Imagine that was hard with your professional life too, right? Right.
00:23:15
Because you couldn't make those connections that in your mind you thought you could do it.
00:23:21
But the more you thought about it, you just couldn't do it because you thought
00:23:24
for sure they could see through you.
00:23:26
Yeah, absolutely. And, you know, and, you know, and also I'll give you another example.
00:23:31
My breakdown in 1983 occurring around Christmas time, I'd been working at a
00:23:40
firm, an architectural firm. firm.
00:23:42
And I really didn't do well at my work.
00:23:45
I, you know, I wasn't, I was very creative and a very good designer,
00:23:49
but drafting was not my, drafting at that moment, at that time was not my thing.
00:23:56
I couldn't really draft that well, but you had to start somewhere in working
00:24:01
in a corporate structure and the architecture would be drafting.
00:24:05
I never really got past that drafting of rudimentary tasks.
00:24:11
So I was kind of like dwindling in the architecture field.
00:24:15
Anyway, the firm had a Christmas party and it was a Christmas time and the weather
00:24:21
was freezing and I started to.
00:24:25
I started, symptoms started coming to me again. And I thought that I was a pariah
00:24:31
and I thought that I didn't do well at the firm and that they didn't respect
00:24:36
me because I wasn't doing very well.
00:24:38
It was also male dominated at that time. And since it was male dominated,
00:24:43
you really had to be, prove yourself as a woman.
00:24:46
I mean, you had to be 100% better. And I wasn't, and I didn't realize that.
00:24:51
And I didn't have a mentor to say to me, Ruth.
00:24:55
You've got to beat them. You've got to do really well. You've got to perfect your.
00:25:01
Working habits. And then I also would talk a lot.
00:25:05
I would get personal and talk a lot to co-workers, which was not good either.
00:25:10
So that kind of led me down a path where I believed that they could see through
00:25:13
me and see that I'm breaking down or I break down and I was ashamed.
00:25:18
So that compounded my low self-esteem. It compounded my work abilities.
00:25:23
It compounded my relationships.
00:25:26
I couldn't really connect with anybody, even though I had a lot of people in
00:25:30
my life. It was a jungle, but I couldn't connect.
00:25:33
I didn't emotionally or intellectually connect with anybody on some level,
00:25:39
even though I had a lot of people around me.
00:25:42
Anyway, I was living with my boyfriend, another boyfriend that I met in the
00:25:48
garage of the apartment building that I was at.
00:25:51
He had been living with me at least around, he'd been living with me for a couple of months already.
00:25:56
And he wasn't, he lived, now he lived through this with me and he thought I
00:26:03
was a second class citizen because I was going through this.
00:26:06
He couldn't really accept it. But anyway, um.
00:26:09
The Christmas party came. I couldn't go to the Christmas party of the firm.
00:26:14
I felt, I just felt like a pariah.
00:26:17
I'm in my apartment. I'm pacing back and forth. I had to run. I had to get out.
00:26:22
And we'll call this boyfriend, Morty. He called my father.
00:26:27
And Morty was going down to Florida to visit his parents and leaving me.
00:26:32
He had made a plane fare down. He didn't care.
00:26:36
My father came to the apartment. He said to Morty, you can leave.
00:26:40
You can go to Florida. Go.
00:26:42
So my father was with me, and he tried to keep me from going out of the apartment.
00:26:46
I was pacing back and forth in a dither.
00:26:49
I had hardly any sleep, hardly eating anything.
00:26:54
I didn't eat anything. I was just walking back and forth.
00:26:58
I had to escape. I had to go to the airport. airport, I'm dreaming that we're
00:27:03
going to have another revolution and I was going to be abandoned.
00:27:09
And I couldn't even connect with my father when he was there to save me.
00:27:13
I couldn't connect with that.
00:27:14
I made my way out of the apartment. I got in my car in the garage.
00:27:18
I drove to Kennedy Airport thinking that I can take a plane to Israel.
00:27:24
I wanted to take a plane to Israel.
00:27:26
Very unrealistic. I didn't know where the plane was. I didn't have my passport or anything.
00:27:30
I went in and out of the airport thinking that I've got to find the airplane.
00:27:34
In and out of the airport.
00:27:36
Finally, I went out of the airport. I drove to Jamaica, Queens Bay,
00:27:41
which was near the airport.
00:27:43
This was the coldest winter, the coldest Christmas night, Christmas Eve recorded.
00:27:50
It was like 16 degrees with a wind chill factor of zero. Again,
00:27:55
I parked my car by the shoulder of the little highway road. I got out of the car.
00:28:01
I walked to the water, Jamaica Bay.
00:28:06
I went in the water and my quilted coat felt like steel, iron, weighing me down.
00:28:13
I walked out of the water and I stood there in the mound of snow for about seven hours.
00:28:22
I just stood there, like just stood there.
00:28:27
And my father called the missing persons and the police found my car.
00:28:32
It was a rented, a rental car.
00:28:34
They found my car. And then I, this was in the morning and I walked towards
00:28:38
them and they saw me and they took me to Jamaica hospital.
00:28:42
And again, I was still paranoid. I was laying in a stretcher. My father came. name.
00:28:49
He hired an ambulance to take me to this hospital, a private hospital near our
00:28:56
home, about 25 minutes from our home.
00:28:59
And I was in the psych ward for three weeks.
00:29:02
I was in a wheelchair because my feet were frostbite.
00:29:07
They were like near, parts of it were black and my feet had to,
00:29:12
you know, get better and improve.
00:29:16
And I was in the wheelchair for a total of six weeks.
00:29:19
And I had to, you know, take bandages off and put topical ointment on not to
00:29:25
have an infection and a whole process of taking care of my blackened feet.
00:29:29
So that was an example. No sleep. the psychiatrist didn't even do anything same
00:29:37
one that that was in 1983 i think it was a 19 yeah 1983 of course i had breakdowns
00:29:45
before then but that was like another major league breakdown,
00:29:49
was it the same psychiatrist same psychiatrist hi all thank you so much for
00:29:54
listening to this episode i'm g-rex and i'm dirty skittles don't forget to subscribe
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00:30:11
Music.