Jesston's Path: Trauma, Purpose & Service

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Music.

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You ready? Yeah. Ready. Three, two, one.

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Welcome back to another episode of Shit That Goes On In Our Heads.

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I'm T-Rex, and I'm here with Dirty Skittles and our guest, Justin.

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Welcome, Justin. How are you?

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I am excellent. How are you? We are fantastic.

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It looks so sunny where you are. Well, you know, I'm in the Phoenix area,

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so this is desert land. Definitely a lot of sun going on out here year-round. So, yeah.

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Yeah. All I know of Phoenix is it's hot. There's lots of dirt, right?

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Lots of dirt. Yes. Lots of dirt out here in the desert. Yeah. I've been out here now.

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This would be year six for me out here. Prior to that, I was in San Diego,

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but originally from the Metro Detroit area.

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So my family and I, we left Metro Detroit in 2012 for sunny,

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expensive ass California and left California in 2018.

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And here we are in the desert. Now this probably won't be be the

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last stop it's home for now do you have like a

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place you want to live like oh i

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gotta make it to this city you know once once i make my millions i'll probably

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go back to california probably san diego i love san diego it's just so expensive

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you know we got up out of there because my my wife got a new job you know it

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just was a no-brainer it made sense you know for us to make the move here but

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i'd love to go back to california one day i would also love to

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ultimate goal ultimate dream is to leave the country and maybe

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go live on the coast of portugal or something like that i don't know right right

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we'll see i call it my lottery dreams my lottery dreams is that i will like

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move to italy and have like a vineyard i don't know shit about making wine but

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like okay let's fucking right just do it like got money do what you want right right.

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Yeah san diego is nice we did a trip to california many years ago and we were

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actually in san San Francisco and we drew, we drove from San Francisco to San

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Diego and stopped at wineries along the way.

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But I just remember being in San Diego and like looking around,

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we were like by the La Jolla beach or something.

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And I remember standing there and looking at my husband and saying like, I get it.

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I get why people like California now. It was beautiful. It's so expensive.

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So expensive. So, so. Yeah, it's crazy. Just crazy. Wild. Wildly inappropriate is what I call it.

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That's sunshine tax.

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One sign. I think they pay that same tax in Florida. So, you know, it's all good. Yeah.

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Yeah, but Florida is not as beautiful as it. No, it is not.

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Not the water's a little warmer yeah it

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is it is yeah the pacific ocean

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is cold it's like it's no matter what

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time of year it is just damn cold you get that water you're

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like nope that's like getting into lake michigan or lake

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ontario you know people up here they get

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in that water and it's like 50 and they're like frolicking around

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i'm like nope i'm gonna go sit over here in my

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lawn chair and i'm gonna watch do whatever you want to do yeah

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you want to get that gross water have at it

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it's probably lead in there oh my

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god it got real serious radiation

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something some radioactive fish

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is gonna come out and bite me you know and like because you

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can't even see the bottom right you like put your foot in you're like i don't

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know what's down there this is why i don't

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like i don't like deep dark water if i can't see the bottom

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or touch the bottom i'm out count me out not doing it

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yeah the ocean is a freaky thing and

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it's it's so much of the ocean that that hasn't been explored it's

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like the the new outer space or something i don't

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know but who knows what lurks at the bottom you know i know speaking of scary

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things i'm like no i'm just kidding i was like trying to find a transition like

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how do you transition from there you know but what who are you tell our listeners

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who you are what does your days look like who are you today.

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Who am I today? So I'm this young man. Well, I'm quite young anymore.

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But so as you know, I live out here in the Phoenix area. I've been out here for about six years now.

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And I too host a podcast called the Hidden Gateway Podcast that I've been doing since December of 2023.

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2020, I'm sorry, December of 2020. And I do a lot of different things, right?

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I'm an author of a published book. That's my memoir right up there.

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I'm about to publish another book next month. It's an edited book where I have

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about nine different authors from around the world that contributed a chapter.

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And we talk about, the book is about just different crazy things that go on

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in the world, little paranormal type stuff.

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So I love to write, you know, that's dear to my heart.

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I have a nonprofit as well called Tangelic.

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You know, I've done a lot of work here in the Phoenix area with the homeless community.

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And now I have an initiative where I've taken things globally.

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And, you know, I'm going to be heading to Africa in May, to Ghana specifically,

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and maybe the Ivory Coast as well, where I partnered with a couple of organizations over there.

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And we're going to do some renewable energy projects, you know,

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bringing solar to homes and different villages and schools as well as medical centers.

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You know, I've been on this spiritual journey. I like to tell people my entire

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life, but in 2020, it made a strong pivot. it.

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And I've been through a lot, especially when I was younger, right?

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I've healed, thank God, from a lot of trauma that I experienced as a young child

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that really had me in a prison of sorts, in a prison where I couldn't be myself, my true self.

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It prevented me from doing a lot of things that I do now, which is my purpose,

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right? I found my purpose. I stepped into my purpose over the last few years here.

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So I've been on this amazing journey in life, and I've been so fortunate, and so blessed.

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I have tons of gratitude in my heart for the things that I do with myself and

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my life now and with my family.

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And yeah, it's been really cool. And, you know, and I'm in a position to talk

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to cool people like you both. So life is good.

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Nice. He called us cool people. I mean, write it on the book,

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print it out, frame it so I can show my son one day.

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So what was like the triggering event for you, like later on in life to kind

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of, or maybe it wasn't later on in life, but what opened you up to be so giving to others?

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Yeah, that's a great question. Well, you know, I guess I'll start here.

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I'll say that I was raised in the church.

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Right. So I was one of these kids that went to church three,

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four or five times a week. Right.

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My mom is to this day a licensed evangelist. We were raised Pentecostal,

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Church of God in Christ. So that's very conservative, right?

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You know, women aren't even allowed to be pastors in that denomination and just

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like straight Bible thumpers.

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But within that experience, being raised in a church and going to church several

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days a week, you know, I was taught love, you know, by the church and also my family, right?

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So, for example, my mom, she's 83 years old this year in July,

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but throughout her career, She always fought for human rights,

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right, and social impact type work, right?

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She worked for the Red Cross for many years.

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She worked in HR specifically for the Oakland County in Michigan and just bringing

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justice to people, those type of efforts for people, I should say.

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So I was raised to respect and love people regardless of anybody's situation.

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Anybody's regardless of their color of skin, just all types of things.

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I like to say my parents, my mom raised me the right way and my dad too. Right.

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The situation with my dad is a little different, but I was always taught to

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have integrity and to do the right thing.

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Now, I remember when I was in my early 20s, I took a trip to California from

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Michigan to visit my brother.

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Now, my brother had substance abuse issues for many years, and he was homeless

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in California, in Skid Row, as a matter of fact, for about six years.

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And so I went to visit him after he went through his recovery and got on his feet.

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And he said, Justin, I'm going to show you where I used to live.

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And he took me down to Skid Row, and I could not believe it.

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It blew my mind to see that people live the way those people were living.

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Right. And I was just naive to the fact I'm like a 22, 21, 22 year old kid.

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And he's showing me that people on the streets and living in cardboard boxes, self-made tents.

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And I was like, damn, bro, you used to live like that.

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Yeah, man, this was my life for many years. So that always stuck with me.

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So then when I returned to Michigan, maybe about six to eight months later,

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I started doing community work.

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Where I hooked up with some orgs and just did volunteer work for homeless organizations, right?

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But that love, that foundation was built from my years growing up in the church,

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because I did some stuff in the church for communities as well.

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So fast forward to San Diego, I did the same thing.

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And then again, 2020 hit. And I said, unfortunately, there was some death around

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me in the family from COVID.

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And that was like a reflection for me to say, wow, I've been caught up in this

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quote unquote rat race all these years.

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And it really made me stopped to think about what was most important in life, you know?

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And I said, no, working this, working these jobs, trying to elevate myself in

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the corporate world was not making me happy because I wasn't happy.

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And it just, you know, may sound cliche. It wasn't fulfilling.

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So I decided to do something different. And then that was my first time I had

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a vision of start Tangelic, my nonprofit.

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And it took me about a year and a half to really get things going,

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to get it off the ground. And I did.

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And, you know, now I'm doing things to help people in need on a regular basis,

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you know, and I don't, you know, I don't want to sound cliche, but it's my purpose.

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You know, that's just like what I've come here to do. You know,

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I really, I know that I'm a spirit having a human experience,

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you know, and I think we all are.

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We come here for a purpose of a mission and thank God I was able to finally

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find mine. But the first step in that was going through the healing process

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from the traumatic experiences that I had in my youth.

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That's literally what I was about to ask was, at what point do you think,

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and I don't know if you can even nail it down, but at what point do you think you found your purpose?

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Wow. So in 2020, I began, it was, so I went through a series of things.

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So I'm sitting at home for a little from the job.

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And a good friend of mine who I've known for like two and plus years,

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he started telling me about meditation, right?

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And I've always, I've heard about it, but never tried meditation.

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And he told me to try a specific meditation, which is called the gateway experience.

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I'm not sure if either one of you are familiar, but this is a meditation that

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was developed by a man, developed by a man by the name of Robert Monroe in the sixties.

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And then this meditation uses neural beats, which is hemisync,

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which, and what that is, is you listen to it with headphones or earbuds,

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AirPods. AirPods, you have one music tone, sound tone going into your left ear,

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another one into your right ear.

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And then when they enter your brain, if you will, they create another sound

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wave. And what that does, that syncs the brain.

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They put left and right hemisphere of the brain, I should say.

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And this puts you in this deep, really deep, relaxed mode, which then causes

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you to have some pretty wild experiences. And I'm talking like out-of-body experiences.

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And so I start having these out-of-body experiences and going to the astral

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realm, if you will, and seeing all these different things.

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And it was crazy. But during that time, I was still going through this healing

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process and I felt the need to go skydiving.

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Now, if you would have asked me a year, any time before then,

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would I go up 20 feet in the plane and jump?

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Hell no, I'm not jumping out of a plane. That's not what I do.

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You know, that's not what I do. I stay on the ground.

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So I laid in California. I barely even got in the ocean. Like I play it safe, right?

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I weigh the risk and reward. You're right, right. And play was not where it was at for me.

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So I had that urging, that calling, and I finally did it.

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And after I did it, I realized why I had that urging and calling to do it.

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Because of the trauma I experienced in my life, I have built up so much fear

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that I had to learn how to deal with fear.

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So that experience, especially leading up to that jump, taught me how to deal

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with fear in regards to controlling it and not allowing it to control me.

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And so that was within itself a spiritual experience for me.

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And so that helped me learn how to deal with type of different type of fears that I had.

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And then, you know, fast forwarding to that was like right around August of 2020.

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And fast forward to December 20, I felt this calling again to start a podcast.

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And of course, here I am. I was controlled by my father and my youth because

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he was an alcoholic and he physically and psychologically abused me.

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And, you know, made me think that I wasn't shit and less than.

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And his mantra was a child was to be seen and not heard. And,

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you know, he's this controlling man.

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And I never learned how to critically think for myself or set boundaries.

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And I grew up this introverted kid who was just scared of stuff all the time.

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Right. And so I'm like, no, I'm not doing a podcast. I don't talk to people

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like that. No, I keep to myself. I'm chill. I'm quiet.

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And I just felt an urge and I had to answer that call and I did it.

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And therefore, doing this podcast over the last few years now has been another

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part of my healing process because I've learned so much about myself and what I'm capable of.

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But I had to first break down those barriers of fear to even begin doing that. Right.

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And then I just kept having these additional things like writing a book and

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ayahuasca experience and all these other cool things that have assisted my healing

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process over the last few years here. Wow.

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Ayahuasca. You and I should go do an ayahuasca experience. I don't know, man.

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Maybe. I probably have to do more research on it. I'm kind of a control freak

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with myself and my emotions.

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And if I don't feel in control, I freak out. I panic. Gotta let go.

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That's the beautiful thing.

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You gotta let go. And see, I get it because I was somewhat like that too.

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But once I realized that I had to let go, it was just this sense of liberation,

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this sense of freedom that I found for myself, which changed my world,

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my reality. It really did.

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Yeah. I mean, it makes sense because the most fun I've ever had and like genuine

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happiness and fun have been the moments that I'm not in control of.

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But it's getting that practice, I suppose, like knowing that I'm safe,

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even if I'm not in control. That's a hard one for me.

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Wait until you're 60, because then you just don't care. You're like, you know what?

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As long as I don't hurt myself, because, you know, once you hurt yourself,

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it takes eight months for it to heal. So, you know, those fears,

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you know, I faced them just by doing our podcast, right?

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Like I became even more vulnerable and more open than I was in the very beginning.

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And I think the same goes for you, Dari Skittles. Like, you know,

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over the last year, we've both grown tenfold.

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Yeah. Yeah. I went from like first talking and first you think nobody's going to listen.

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And then when people start listening,

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I was like, I can't share anything about myself because I don't.

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I like to pick and choose who I'm vulnerable with. But when you record a podcast,

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you have no idea who's listening.

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So then I had to get past that hurdle. And now I think like now,

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I'm just like, ah, fuck it. Like it's me. It's who I am.

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And I'm in somewhat of control of what I say.

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Unless I've been drinking. No, I'm just kidding. So that's, it's really like,

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I'm admiring the work that you do, right?

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Like, especially with the homeless. Like when we moved here to Atlanta,

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I remember seeing it more so than I think I ever did in Orlando, for example.

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And there are certain things that we do on our own too. Like,

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you know, we always... When we first lived in Atlanta, we would have like little

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grab bags of just all kinds of stuff.

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And anytime we're at like a

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stoplight, I mean, we would just open up the back and hand out these bags.

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And just because for me...

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Humans are humans. And if somebody needs help, why can't I, if I can afford

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to help, why wouldn't I? Right.

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So that's always been my philosophy, but I don't have the same upbringing as you.

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So I'm still very curious in how you became the man you are now, right?

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Like you've had a rough childhood, but you were able to get past that.

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I'm in, you don't have to answer this if this is too deep, but did it require forgiveness?

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Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. And you can please feel free to ask

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me anything you want. I have literally an open book.

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I'll answer anything you want, but it definitely required forgiveness.

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You know, when I think about my father, you know, the earliest traumatic experiences

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that I remember was, well, let me say this.

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I had actually buried this experience in my subconscious mind.

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And it wasn't until he mentioned it to me that I saw a vision of this happening, like clear as day.

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And he mentioned it to me maybe like two years before he died. He died in 2007.

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But my father had got really sick and he knew he was dying. So he went on this

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forgiveness journey marathon.

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He called everybody up that he had done wrong in his life and said,

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I'm sorry, and asked for forgiveness, et cetera.

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And then when he spoke with me, he told me, I remember when you were two years

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old, I came in from work and I ran up to him.

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I ran up to him. He said, Justin, you ran up to me like, hey, daddy.

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And he picked me up and then just slammed me down on the ground.

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And that always, you know, that always, you know, he never forgot that.

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And then as soon as he told me that, I like, I saw it.

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I saw us in that house back in like freaking 1980 and I saw the hallway and

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I saw him picking me up and throwing it down, throwing me down.

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So I never forgot that, but it was buried in my subconscious mind.

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So as early as two years old is I remember the first traumatic experience.

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And then the next one after that, I remember when I was about four years old,

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where he worked afternoons, my mom worked mornings and my brother and I,

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my older brother and I, we would stay home by ourselves probably for about an

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hour and a half, two hours before for my mom got home from work and it was summertime

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and he told us, you know, don't go outside.

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We're not home, you know, but we look out the window. We saw our friends playing

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outside in front of the house. And so he leaves out.

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So as he left, we went outside right in front of the house in the,

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on the sidewalk playing with our friends.

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And then we looked down the block and we see his car coming and we were like,

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Oh shit. We went back in the house. He had saw us.

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So we went in the house and I tell you what, but he made us strip down to our

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trousers, our underwear.

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And back in the early 80s, you know, there were these belts that were like four

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inches thick with these big belt buckles. Fuck that, dude. Yeah.

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He made this strip down there naked. He just started with a belly.

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Again, I'm a former brother. He's like seven or whatever he was.

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He took the belly, wrapped it around my neck, and he just brought me to the

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house for like 10, maybe not 10 minutes, maybe like five minutes or something like that.

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I was just really messed up. Then I remember when I was in middle school,

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he told me to take a shower.

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I said, okay. Again, mid-afternoons, he said, you take a shower,

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water the car, make sure you're you know you've completed that by the time i

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get home i said cool we'll do so,

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i remember he pulled up about 11 o'clock at

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night and i was looking out the window and my heart just started racing this

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is my probably one of my first experiences with anxiety and because i was like

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shit i know i didn't take a shower i'm outside playing all day it's summertime

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and first thing he does he comes in did you shower i said no sir i didn't so

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he grabs him by my my shirt drags me into the bathroom,

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grabs me by the back of my neck, pushes it into the sink, turns on the hot water,

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starts running water through my hair and shampoo or whatnot.

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And then he goes in the kitchen and takes this like oil treatment and boils

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it on the stove and it's like the field five oil treatment.

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I got to email Black people to use that. But I guess he did.

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But then he like poured this boiling oil all over my head, my scalp.

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And then, you know, and I couldn't cry during this, right?

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Because I'm allowed to cry in front of him. So then he lets me go.

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I drop to the ground, holding all that emotion in. I was like,

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I'll get dressed in the shower.

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And once I get in the shower, I just let loose. I'm crying. And many other things,

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right? I experienced all this trauma. But again, as I became a man, like.

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In my 20s, he got sick, right? He had heart issues and all these things going

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on. And so I had to take care of him.

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You know, I literally went to live with him probably for about a year and a

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half. And he and I had some deep conversations and he knew he was dying.

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And he told me, he said, Justin, you know, I was way too hard on your brother. I apologize.

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You know, and I tell you what, when he said that, I think my heart just melted.

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And I started crying. I said, thank you, dad. that thank you and we embraced

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and that like was a game changer for me.

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So that allowed me to forgive him.

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You know, it really did. And my dad was an interesting character.

00:21:07
You know, he had these issues because he was an alcoholic and a lot of things

00:21:11
and due to a lot of things he didn't heal from, because he had a lot of things

00:21:14
happen in his life that he just didn't deal with.

00:21:17
And therefore, a lot of that energy came out on me and my dad.

00:21:21
I'm saying my mom and my brother. and on the

00:21:24
other hand he was just like the nicest coolest guy that you

00:21:27
would want to be you know like people loved him because they

00:21:30
didn't see that side of but he was very like a gentleman just really

00:21:33
cool very wise man too so it's like these two

00:21:37
different personalities and for me i just never knew which one

00:21:39
i was going to get so he taught me a lot of great things you

00:21:43
know as far as being a man and respecting myself and respecting others

00:21:46
and knowing how to talk and knowing how to carry yourself and

00:21:49
as odd as it may sound he showed me a lot of love because you always told me

00:21:53
he loved me you know the behavior may have not you know reflected that at times

00:21:57
but he did tell me that like i knew he loved me but i knew he had a lot of shit

00:22:01
that he just dealt with but when he apologized to me when i was in my early

00:22:06
to mid 20s before he passed like,

00:22:09
that was it that was it for me yeah for sure man wow wow i the one question

00:22:17
i'm curious of And I ask it because of my childhood.

00:22:22
So I'm curious, did you grow up like after, I don't even know when,

00:22:28
but growing up and you're getting older and you're realizing that maybe you're

00:22:32
falling in love with other people.

00:22:34
Did you ever question if you knew what love was because of the mixed signals

00:22:38
or you knew he loved you, but the physical actions didn't necessarily represent verbally?

00:22:44
Did you have to learn what love was or do you think that.

00:22:48
You had fundamentals still somehow, like whether it be from church or your mom?

00:22:52
That's a good question. I love that question. Thank you so much for asking.

00:22:56
And that really makes me think because reflecting back on it,

00:23:00
thinking back on it, I thought I knew what love was, but, you know,

00:23:04
and that's because I always thought my dad loved me because he told me he loved

00:23:07
me and he did do some really great things for me,

00:23:10
but I truly didn't know how to love, right?

00:23:13
And, you know, I've been married this year, 17 years, you know,

00:23:17
May 1st. And it's been quite the journey with my wife and I, right?

00:23:20
Because, you know, I've changed a lot through our marriage, right?

00:23:24
Early on, she'll tell you, you know, I would, I have like reflections of my

00:23:28
father, you know, like I know I loved her and lived love with her,

00:23:32
but then I had this mean streak, right?

00:23:34
This yelling and maybe even talking down on it sometimes,

00:23:38
you know, but I wasn't, I guess I wasn't really aware of it,

00:23:43
you know, because that's the type of love I knew, you know, And then my mom,

00:23:47
God bless her, she's not really like an emotional type person, right?

00:23:52
Like, I know my mom loves me, but she's not like, oh, I love you, son.

00:23:55
So it's just not who she is, you know what I'm saying? Which is fine.

00:23:58
You know, we're all different. Like, I don't hold that against her.

00:24:01
So I kind of had to figure this love thing out, you know, on my own,

00:24:06
you know, because I really didn't have the example that I feel I needed to love others in my life.

00:24:14
You know, whether it be my siblings or let's just start with myself,

00:24:18
you know, I think that's where I started to leave my love myself and then my

00:24:20
siblings and my brothers and sisters and then maybe different people that I dated over the years.

00:24:24
And then, no, here we are with my wife of 17 years now.

00:24:28
So, you know, I had to really understand and come to learn what it really means

00:24:35
to love somebody, you know, and that involves forgiving people.

00:24:41
Okay. Now, which sometimes I had an issue with in the past, a lot of times I

00:24:46
had an issue with in the past because I would say, oh, I forgive you.

00:24:50
But I really hadn't forgave people. It was just like, you know,

00:24:55
I had to learn how to forgive people.

00:24:56
You know, once you forgive somebody, you don't keep bringing the shit up every so often. Right.

00:25:02
That's something that I would do in the past, like, you know,

00:25:05
and thinking about it, like just letting go, you know, but I really had to navigate

00:25:10
that love thing over the years.

00:25:12
And I thank God that I'm at a place now where I have a better understanding of what love is.

00:25:16
And not only has that affected the people around me, but I think most importantly,

00:25:22
it's affected myself because I had to learn how to love myself because I.

00:25:28
Of the way I was raised by my father with the degrading and you're not good enough.

00:25:32
And I never met that level of expectation to him.

00:25:36
It was like, I never learned how to love myself to say, Hey, Justin, it's okay.

00:25:41
You're doing a damn good job. You know, just cause I've had some experiences

00:25:46
in life. Like I dropped out of school. I didn't graduate from high school.

00:25:49
You know, I did wind up getting my GED when I was 18, the same year I was supposed

00:25:53
to graduate. And I became a father at a very young age at 19.

00:25:58
You know, and I dealt with a lot of things because of those things with family

00:26:03
members that I had family members tell me, oh, your life is over, man.

00:26:06
You dropped out of school. You had a kid at a young age. And like, I let that get to me.

00:26:10
And so I just felt bad about who I was as a person, you know,

00:26:13
and then I had some other things happen as well.

00:26:15
You know, because I used to hang out with the wrong crowds in my early teenage

00:26:19
years and my teenage years and in the early 20s. And I shouldn't be where I am today.

00:26:24
I tell you that. so it's just been by the grace

00:26:27
of God and more so me putting in work and

00:26:30
working on myself that has allowed me to be in

00:26:33
the position that I'm in you know and I give God credit God glory but you know

00:26:38
it took me to make certain decisions once I became of a certain age and that

00:26:44
also took me learning how to love myself in order to make change in my life

00:26:48
so yeah yeah I mean thanks for.

00:26:51
Being vulnerable and sharing all this stuff and and answering the

00:26:55
deep questions that i like because i can relate

00:26:58
to a lot of what you're saying and so you know i there's certain

00:27:01
struggles that i think that and and whether our

00:27:04
listeners can relate exactly to the story or not i think

00:27:07
just from childhood to like becoming an

00:27:10
adult there's so many lessons that we have to learn for

00:27:13
ourselves that you can't read nobody's

00:27:16
going to be able to teach you have to go through those emotions yourself and

00:27:20
learning how to love i can relate to that because we

00:27:24
know what we're taught or what we see right right but

00:27:27
that's not always the right kind for everybody

00:27:30
right like i think there's many like there's all these love languages and shit

00:27:33
but i think there's just different ways to love people and finding out

00:27:36
what that means for yourself is huge and not.

00:27:39
Just loving other people but like loving yourself too right

00:27:42
because there's a lot of starts it has to start with

00:27:45
self love and self-care because if you're not doing either of

00:27:48
those you're you're no good to

00:27:51
anybody else right like and it took a breakdown

00:27:54
for me to finally figure that shit out right because

00:27:57
i wasn't taking care of myself i took care of everybody else's shit

00:28:00
my shit was like oh yeah i'll

00:28:03
be fine i'll be fine then you wake up christmas morning you're

00:28:06
like yeah fuck it i can't do this anymore i'm done yeah but you know i'm so

00:28:12
proud of the man that you became now and everything that you're doing with yourself

00:28:18
and with your organization and really just opening yourself up. You know, it takes...

00:28:25
I can't find the right word. It'll come to me. Probably when I'm sleeping tonight.

00:28:30
I'll be like, oh, that's the question I wanted to ask.

00:28:33
So did you, how did you find the right tools to get here?

00:28:37
Did you seek out therapy? Did you dive more into your relationships?

00:28:41
Like how, what tools got you here?

00:28:45
Well, I tell you what, I remember when I lived in California.

00:28:49
You know, my wife said something to me that started that part of the journey. She said, you know what?

00:28:55
Your father wasn't all that you think he was.

00:28:59
And what she meant by that was that he wasn't a good guy like I had in my mind

00:29:06
that he was because all of my life, my mom and other people would say,

00:29:10
oh, your father loved you. And he was a good guy.

00:29:12
Like nobody held him accountable for the things that he did to our family, as crazy as that sounds.

00:29:18
And so in my mind for so long, I just thought, oh, I had this good father.

00:29:23
Yeah, he did these things, but let's not even deal with that.

00:29:26
Let's not even talk about that. Let's look at these other things,

00:29:28
these positive things he did.

00:29:30
And so she said that to me and I said, damn, you know what? You're right.

00:29:33
And so that started me just thinking about that.

00:29:37
Right. And then fast forward to 2020, where I, when I started doing the meditation,

00:29:43
that was like essential because doing these meditations was,

00:29:48
It allowed me to be an observer of my feelings and my emotions, right? It really did.

00:29:55
And I started practicing spirituality as well. Now, even though I was raised

00:29:59
in the church and these denominations and all that, I'm not a religious dude at all.

00:30:04
Like I've broken away from religion, but I am a highly spiritual person.

00:30:08
And so I then, you know, along with the meditations, I started practicing spirituality.

00:30:13
I started working with angels, specifically archangels.

00:30:17
You know, when we talk about, you know, burning incense, when we talk about

00:30:20
doing crystal work, we talk about saging and smudging, things like that.

00:30:25
Doing all these things were my tools, along with my ayahuasca experience too, right? Right.

00:30:29
And I've had some magic mushroom experiences, too, which have really provided

00:30:34
certain downloads in regards to self, you know.

00:30:37
But those were the tools I use to kind of be an observer of my life,

00:30:43
my emotions, my traumas, my experiences.

00:30:46
And once I was aware of these different things, I then had just this inner guidance,

00:30:52
this inner navigation tool to kind of work through those things.

00:30:55
And then I did have counseling as well. with a therapist, because my wife and

00:31:00
I, we went to counseling about two years ago, and maybe three years,

00:31:06
yeah, about two, two and a half years ago, because she was dealing with some things, right?

00:31:10
But I went with her to support her. But while I was there, we found ourselves

00:31:14
talking about things about myself and our marriage and things like that.

00:31:19
So yeah, the therapy definitely helped, but the initial step was that meditation.

00:31:23
And I recommend meditation to like everybody is such a phenomenal tool because

00:31:28
it calms the mind, it helps make you an observer and you can be open and vulnerable

00:31:33
when you're in that space.

00:31:35
And, you know, then literally.

00:31:38
You know, talk about downloads and just receiving information in regards to

00:31:41
how to navigate life and different feelings and different emotions.

00:31:45
So those have definitely been my tools. So it makes sense.

00:31:49
So I do have a question because like I can meditate maybe three minutes and

00:31:55
then I see a squirrel or something comes in my head.

00:31:59
So do you have like tips or tricks for like how to do meditation without like getting in your head?

00:32:05
Because like, I can't seem to get it out of my head.

00:32:09
You know, a lot of people say that guided meditations help.

00:32:13
So if you're doing a meditation where you hear somebody speaking,

00:32:15
there's a voice there just kind of guiding you throughout the meditation that

00:32:18
can help. Breath work is essential too.

00:32:21
Because meditation can be hard, especially when you, for the first few months.

00:32:24
But what I always tell people is try to focus on your breath, right?

00:32:28
When you do deep inhales and slow exhales, just like, just focus Focus on that,

00:32:34
hearing your breath and just kind of ride the wave of that inhalation and that exhale.

00:32:40
Just ride the wave and just try your best to focus on that.

00:32:43
And, you know, when a thought comes, you know, observe it and do your best to just let it pass.

00:32:49
Try not to focus on it too much. You're aware of that. It's there.

00:32:53
Just let it come and go, you know, but it takes work.

00:32:56
It does. It takes work. So I definitely encourage you to keep at it.

00:33:00
But, you know, when I first started, you know, I experienced the same thing.

00:33:05
I just wanted to give up. Like, I can't do this, you know.

00:33:07
But there was something in me that kind of pushed me to keep at it. And I'm so glad I did.

00:33:12
And it's been literally a game changer, life changer for me.

00:33:15
I feel like this season, that is the theme.

00:33:18
Everybody is talking about meditation. But it makes sense because hearing about

00:33:22
your childhood and suppressing and not acknowledging your feelings and your emotions,

00:33:26
It makes sense that once you could unblock certain parts of your psyche and

00:33:32
go to meditation and connect those dots, like that makes sense.

00:33:36
That would heal, I would imagine, right? Yeah, yeah.

00:33:40
You can acknowledge now and be acknowledged that your feelings are valid and.

00:33:44
Right. And then you just, yeah, you navigate through it and you trust that what

00:33:48
you're experiencing is what's best for you in that moment.

00:33:51
Right. And a lot of those traumas came back during meditation,

00:33:54
you know, and I had to deal with them.

00:33:57
Right. I didn't learn from them. And essentially that is what I have been doing

00:34:00
my entire life, learning from them, not dealing with them.

00:34:03
And I wasn't even aware that I was, even though I experienced that,

00:34:07
I didn't know anything thing about trauma and having to heal from it.

00:34:11
But, you know, starting that meditation, I had this, I now have this awareness

00:34:15
and I had to deal with those things.

00:34:17
I had to think through it, like you said, and that's the great thing.

00:34:21
And it was all fear-based, right? Because I didn't deal with it.

00:34:24
But when you take on fear and you deal with that fear head on and not run from

00:34:29
it or try to go around it, it's something special on the other side of that, right?

00:34:33
I always say God places It's just the very best things in life on the other

00:34:36
side of fear. And that is so true.

00:34:39
I've always, that has always been my experience. And I just take you back to

00:34:43
the skydiving thing, right?

00:34:44
I'm fearful to do that. Oh my God, that week leading up to the jump was like

00:34:49
one of the most stressful weeks of my life, but I did it.

00:34:52
And it was something so great, so special on the other side of that.

00:34:57
I mean, I hit the ground and it was a rough landing too. People laughed at me.

00:35:03
You survived to talk. But I survived. But the feeling I had after I dusted myself

00:35:08
off and stood up, I was like, it's like a weight of the world had been lifted

00:35:13
off my shoulders, off my chest.

00:35:14
And I felt so good. I had this sense of freedom, this sense of liberation.

00:35:17
I used to be scared to drive on bridges. So you know how you're on the highway

00:35:20
and you go like on a bridge that kind of takes you to another section of the

00:35:25
highway or even a suspension bridge.

00:35:27
I used to hate that shit. Like I'll be driving on the highway.

00:35:29
Okay, here comes a bridge.

00:35:31
And man, my hands start getting sweaty and my heart just wasting.

00:35:37
After that jump, where's the next bridge? And I'll give me the damn bridge.

00:35:40
I don't care. I don't just, you know, I can do a bridge now.

00:35:43
There's just been other periods in my life that the exact same way that I had these fears of.

00:35:49
I mean, I would be, you know, if someone would think this is so small and minute,

00:35:53
I could be sitting in a freaking doctor's office waiting on my name to be called,

00:35:59
to go see the doctor for my annual physical or something.

00:36:02
And I'm sitting there and I have to use the bathroom and I wouldn't get up to go to the bathroom.

00:36:07
It was a fear just to get up and go to the bathroom. Whoa.

00:36:10
People looking at me or thinking about me

00:36:13
if i you know just like little shit you know that

00:36:16
i was a prisoner too that's been lifted you know so

00:36:19
yeah but that i mean i don't want

00:36:22
to say normal but that makes sense to have those fears based on what you were

00:36:26
going through or coming from you know um i'm curious have you jumped from any

00:36:30
other planes how many times you jumped that was just one time but i have to

00:36:35
do it again yeah there will be more i was thinking like i have not jumped out of

00:36:40
a plane, but I do have a fear of heights and bridges and all that stuff.

00:36:43
And the closest I can come to relating to that story was a group of friends

00:36:46
and I decided we were on this kick. As a group, we're going to do things we've never done.

00:36:51
And we were in Florida and there was this huge rope park and we were ziplining.

00:36:57
That was the purpose. We're going here to zipline, which if you're afraid of

00:37:00
heights, that shit's scary because it's fucking all the way up there and you

00:37:03
got me on a string and you want me to do one.

00:37:05
So the way they started, it was actually having you drop, I think it was like

00:37:11
eight feet was just an eight feet drop.

00:37:14
And I'm like, what the fuck? And I trying to be really cool and like badass.

00:37:19
I'm like, I'll be the first one up. I got this. And I was freaking out.

00:37:23
But as soon as I did it and I jumped, I was done.

00:37:27
Like, I was like, okay, let's go to the highest zip line you have.

00:37:30
Like, I'm ready to go because you have that adrenaline.

00:37:32
Like, I got this. Yeah. Right. That's awesome.

00:37:35
What about you, G-Wrek? Flying out of planes? So, not flying out of planes,

00:37:40
but, you know, my wife took me to Hawaii probably about...

00:37:46
15 years ago, and I'm deathly afraid of heights.

00:37:49
Deathly. Well, she wants to take a doors-off helicopter ride, right?

00:37:54
Oh, wow. To go up around the Nepali coastline.

00:37:58
I'm like, fuck, I don't want to do this. I'm like, like you,

00:38:02
like two hours up, coming up to the flight, and I'm like, fuck,

00:38:06
no. I'm like, stomach's hurting.

00:38:09
We get up there. Of course, they got us all cinched in, right?

00:38:12
But she's like hanging out the side of the helicopter.

00:38:16
And I am like white knuckling it

00:38:19
the entire time like my hands hurt I can

00:38:23
see the imprints of my fingernails in my hand and

00:38:26
she's like that was the fucking coolest thing ever I'm like then we

00:38:31
went back two years later and we did it and I was okay

00:38:34
with that then now when we travel I

00:38:37
I'd like to take the helicopter rides because not so

00:38:41
much the doors off that still like freaks the fuck out of me

00:38:43
but i like it because you can see

00:38:46
so much more of the city right like you

00:38:49
can see places that you probably wouldn't get to i

00:38:53
attribute her to having me try all sorts of new things like i never ate oysters

00:38:58
until i met her never ate caviar until i met her you know like all these fears

00:39:03
but and i i learned how to scuba dive with her right because there you go getting

00:39:10
in the water and you can't see down. So you get a little freaked out.

00:39:15
But as I've gotten older, I'm a little bit more open to doing things like that.

00:39:20
My biggest fear is getting hurt because at 60, if you fall, it usually takes

00:39:27
like eight months for it to heal, right?

00:39:29
As versus as when I was 20, I was like, oh, I fell, I'm fine.

00:39:32
You know, I'll go to work.

00:39:33
But I think those are the things that scare me.

00:39:37
Those are my fears, right? Some of them are justified.

00:39:41
Some of them are not. It's just because I'm a giant wuss. But I love the fact

00:39:46
that you actually got up in that plane and you jumped.

00:39:49
And I think that was probably so freeing. Are there other things you want to jump off of, though?

00:39:55
Because I was thinking about when you were saying that, like going over to New

00:39:59
Zealand and bungee jumping off that really tall waterfall.

00:40:04
Yeah. No. Nope.

00:40:08
Oh, I would totally do it. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. I would definitely do it. Yeah.

00:40:13
I haven't really said, okay, you know, but I do not have this,

00:40:16
you know, fuck fear thing that I have going on over the last three years.

00:40:21
I do like, I get, you know, I do.

00:40:25
And that's that. I guess that's part of my drive. You know, it's part of my

00:40:28
drive to do more. We need to hang out with him and get to the fuck fear part of our lives. Yeah.

00:40:35
Oh, go ahead. I would say I'm like really extreme with it because of how I was previously.

00:40:40
Right. I was just really because of the trauma. Right. It just had me in this.

00:40:44
Like I said, I was sitting in a doctor's office, just scared to freaking get

00:40:48
up. And so like in my mind, I'm not going back to that.

00:40:50
Like I'm not. I can't. Won't happen. And so now I'm just like, fuck fear.

00:40:55
Like I'll do what I want to do. I'm not going to let this energy control me any longer.

00:41:00
I'm going to control it. It tries me all the time still, but I don't give into it.

00:41:05
You know, and it's a process, right?

00:41:08
Something comes in, you know, that I have to do or have to speak,

00:41:12
you know, I may get a little jitter, a little nervous, but the mind is a powerful

00:41:15
thing. No, Justin, you got this.

00:41:18
I take myself back to jumping out that plane. I take myself back to sitting

00:41:21
with ayahuasca for three nights in the desert. I take myself back to different things.

00:41:25
And like, that tells me that, man, Justin, you can do anything.

00:41:30
If you did these things, you can do this. You can do that. Like,

00:41:34
no fear, man. You got this, you know, and that's my mindset.

00:41:37
So looking at your life as a journey now, what has been the hardest lesson you've learned?

00:41:43
Hardest lesson I've learned in this journey? Wow.

00:41:48
That's a great question. What has been the hardest lesson I've learned?

00:41:52
When things do get hard, and things definitely get hard from time to time,

00:41:57
I've learned not to give up on myself.

00:41:59
I always tell myself, brother, you've came too far.

00:42:03
You've came too far to give up. I think back to dealing with different fears

00:42:08
in my life and things that I've had to go through and dealing with people that

00:42:14
didn't have my best interests at heart.

00:42:16
And I just told myself, you came too far to give up.

00:42:20
And that is part of my motivation, my drive to keep going.

00:42:24
And also to have that balance, right?

00:42:28
In regards to wanting to keep pushing and learning and growing in life with

00:42:34
the different efforts and projects I have going on, but also spiritually and

00:42:39
as a person and in my marriage,

00:42:41
you know, and being a father to my kids and a son to a son, father to my sons and daughter.

00:42:48
And a brother to my siblings, right?

00:42:51
Just having that balance because I get pulled in a lot of directions, right?

00:42:57
Like in my home, for example, again, my mom's 83 years old. She's not in the best of health.

00:43:01
So I have to look after her. I have to make sure I'm being the type of husband

00:43:06
that my marriage needs for both me and my wife.

00:43:09
I have three children here at the house. They need me. So everything is facilitated through me.

00:43:15
And then I have my time with my my podcast, my nonprofit.

00:43:18
So just trying to balance this life and just this family and just balance everything.

00:43:27
It's freaking hard. It really is. And sometimes I'm like, I don't feel like doing this today.

00:43:32
And sometimes I don't do that shit on the day. And the hard part is,

00:43:36
has been, you know, that's okay, man.

00:43:38
You know, that's okay. If you don't want to do this today, fine

00:43:41
you know it's okay you know so just

00:43:44
the balance and again just learning how to

00:43:47
love myself just staying in that space knowing who

00:43:51
i am and why i am here you know has been the the biggest challenges for me throughout

00:43:57
this journey at this point i have i kind of have a two-part question if you

00:44:02
and i know g-rex is like she's asking i was fucking questioning it but But if

00:44:06
you could look back on your life,

00:44:09
and let's say you could time travel and go back to a younger version of yourself,

00:44:13
what age would you travel back to? And what would you say to yourself?

00:44:19
Wow. I would travel back to when I was two years old to when my father picked me up and threw me down.

00:44:24
I would go talk to my younger, two-year-old Justin, pick him up and say,

00:44:29
you know what, it's okay.

00:44:31
You're going to go through some more shit over the next several years,

00:44:34
but it's okay because what's in store for you in the future makes it all worth it.

00:44:41
Yeah. And I find myself doing that now, you know, when shit gets tough,

00:44:45
you know, we all have that inner child, right? Right.

00:44:47
And sometimes you got to talk to that inner child, you know,

00:44:51
Hey buddy, this is your future self, man. It's okay.

00:44:54
I'm here. You don't have to fear. You don't have to worry. I got your back.

00:44:57
Right. Trust me. Yeah. So on the other side of that coin, if you could ask a

00:45:02
future version of yourself, what would, what question would you ask that future version?

00:45:07
What would I ask my future self? I love that question. What would I ask my future self?

00:45:13
I'd probably ask him, are you sure all this shit you go through is worth it?

00:45:18
Like is it that damn good 15 20.

00:45:22
Years from now or you'd have to go through everything you went through and.

00:45:25
I'm sure that's what yourself would be yes or you know

00:45:27
i guess another thing that comes to mind is man like like

00:45:30
how do you do it because i've noticed that as i

00:45:34
grow spiritually personally and

00:45:37
professionally the shit gets harder you know

00:45:40
it gets harder you know and

00:45:43
that's something i think about from time to time like man

00:45:46
i've made i've had so much growth in my life over

00:45:50
the last three or four years but like things get

00:45:53
get even harder it's like the challenges like you

00:45:57
go up a level like i liken it to a video game right like you

00:46:00
start a level one level two is harder level three level

00:46:03
four level five the shit gets harder but you grow as a

00:46:06
character in the game you know like mario right

00:46:09
from nintendo you know he eats the mushrooms he gets

00:46:11
bigger or some type of character you level one you have

00:46:14
a knife level two you have a gun three of machine gun number

00:46:17
four you have a freaking rocket launcher but as

00:46:20
you grow things get harder you are equipped with more tools

00:46:23
you know and i guess i would ask myself man

00:46:26
like like just tell me

00:46:29
about the journey tell me what to expect you know how what's

00:46:32
the best way that i can deal with these things this these levels continue to

00:46:37
get harder and harder as you continue to climb continue to grow i love that

00:46:41
all of that g-rex you want to answer for you because i don't think i've asked

00:46:45
you that question what would you ask a future version of yourself what are the

00:46:49
lottery numbers no oh my god totally.

00:46:54
Oh no honestly i would ask have you been able to let go of your past and move

00:47:00
on and be with your present self right because so much of my life i spent looking

00:47:07
backwards and not looking forwards.

00:47:09
And then it took Bookie's episode for me to realize that we need to live in the moment.

00:47:17
And live for today and yeah but i would still ask myself what the lottery numbers

00:47:22
are because it's still a bucket list thing so in the lottery yeah well keep fucking trying bud,

00:47:29
don't give up on that dream but like i have so i like my last question and it's

00:47:34
a two-parter what do you do for self-love and self-care today like what is the

00:47:39
i do yeah self-love and self-care here today. I exercise.

00:47:44
That works wonders for me, whether it be going outside when it's not 150 here

00:47:50
in Phoenix to jog, you know, do some walking, because that's like a form of

00:47:54
meditation for me as well.

00:47:56
You know, exercising, that really does it for me.

00:47:59
And yeah, the exercising, of course, the meditation, and just always keep it

00:48:05
in my mind or at the forefront of my mind, I should say that I'm a special guy,

00:48:10
you know, and special is subjective, right?

00:48:12
But for me, it just means that I've been placed here, put in a position to help

00:48:20
others in a way that they will benefit from,

00:48:24
you know, and I'm just thankful that my heart is there to want to help others, right?

00:48:29
Because that does it for me. So that's my form of self-love,

00:48:33
just keeping it at the in front of my mind that there are people that really

00:48:37
need help out here and it's my thing to

00:48:39
help them i don't know that's i hope that answers your

00:48:42
question but that that really does it for me you know

00:48:45
that's i get love and i'd wait from that you know so i i love it i thank you

00:48:52
so much for being so vulnerable and thank you you know just really opening up

00:48:56
just not just us but to our listeners and man i want to hear back from you in

00:49:01
a year i want to see where you're at what what you're doing,

00:49:04
you know, you're part of the podcast family now, because now we have a whole

00:49:07
bunch of friends. We never thought we would have any friends.

00:49:10
Fucking get invested. We are so invested.

00:49:13
Yeah. Yeah. And G-Rex, I just want to say this. There's something you said a

00:49:17
minute ago that really resonated with me when you said living in the now and

00:49:21
not the past or even not the future.

00:49:24
And I'll tell you what, that is just so important because nothing matters,

00:49:28
but now, you know, nothing matters, but now.

00:49:33
You know, for people that focus on what they went through or past experiences,

00:49:38
regardless of what it was, it's a reason for it. It's a reason for everything,

00:49:43
you know, and I just encourage people to be their best in the moment.

00:49:47
It's so important, yet it is so hard to do at times.

00:49:51
But if you push yourself to do that, that changes your mind,

00:49:55
which will then change your behaviors, which then change your reality.

00:50:00
And there's a lot of love and a lot of growth.

00:50:03
Perfect I feel like that is the perfect fucking way to end it like that was

00:50:07
like beautifully said thank you,

00:50:11
Hi, all. Thank you so much for listening to this episode. I'm G-Rex.

00:50:15
And I'm Dirty Skittles. Don't forget to subscribe, rate, and review this podcast.

00:50:20
We'd love to listen to your feedback.

00:50:23
We can't do this without you guys.

00:50:27
It's okay.

00:50:27
Music.