Surviving and Thriving: Susie's Personal Stories of Mental Health and Recovery

00:00:01
Hey, Susie, how are you? Hi. Hey. Ooh, I like your background.

00:00:06
It says exhale? Inhale, exhale.

00:00:10
Inhale, exhale. Nice. Very cool. Yeah, you need to have that behind you every

00:00:15
day at work. I don't know, maybe in front of you.

00:00:19
Just plug me into it. Yeah. I need the reminder every day, too. Right?

00:00:25
I love this. Well, it's nice to meet you. You, too. So Susie,

00:00:30
thank you so much for doing this.

00:00:32
Music.

00:00:49
You let me know when you're ready. Ready? Ready? Three, two, one. One.

00:00:57
Welcome back. to another episode of Shit That Goes On In Our Heads.

00:01:01
I'm Dirty Skittles, and I'm joined by my co-host... She-Rex.

00:01:05
...and our very special guest today. We need a drumroll.

00:01:10
Susie. Welcome, Susie. How are you? I'm great. Thank you for asking.

00:01:14
Thank you for having me. How are you guys?

00:01:17
Oh, we're good. Hanging by a thread. No, I'm just kidding. Yeah,

00:01:20
hanging by a thread. I'm tired.

00:01:22
I went and saw Wanda Sykes last night, but she was like two hours away from

00:01:27
us, So we spent the night and then got up at crack of dawn because I forgot

00:01:31
that we were recording all day today.

00:01:33
And so we had to race home, but we couldn't really race home because it was raining.

00:01:40
But, you know, at 630, 7 o'clock in the morning, you know, all the drunks were still asleep.

00:01:44
So we were good. The only thing I had to contend with was the rain and the 18

00:01:49
wheelers. Well, there you go. You made it safely.

00:01:52
I did. And I've had like four coffees and a Coke today. but over the last two

00:01:57
hours, I've weaned off that and we are now on water because I do want to take a nap later on.

00:02:04
Perfect. She says a nap, but I'm like, if you nap like past five, just go to bed.

00:02:09
Just call it you're going to bed. You're calling it a night. I'm not 75, okay? I'm 60.

00:02:15
Last night you were in your 20s. Last night I was in my 20s. It's okay.

00:02:20
You know what? We digress as we get older, okay? So whatever.

00:02:24
It is what it is. Thank you.

00:02:26
I didn't do anything new. And I feel like I'm 80, so. Oh, yeah.

00:02:31
Yeah, I had a rough... The last time we recorded, we record one day a month now.

00:02:35
And the last time we recorded, I was hungover the next day because me and my

00:02:39
friends had went to a Taylor Swift watch party.

00:02:43
So we were just at a bar. And like, I didn't even have a wild night,

00:02:47
but I was tired because I just went to bed past like nine. I think that's so hard.

00:02:53
After nine, we are done for the day. thank you

00:02:56
yes yes like

00:02:59
last night I'm like thinking to myself I remember when

00:03:02
Friday night like at nine is like when you were pre-gaming to get

00:03:05
ready for whatever Friday night was going to be no I was like I need my hot

00:03:09
bath yes my moisturizers my lip balms that I need to just lay down yeah yeah

00:03:17
sleeping in and is anymore I my body naturally wants to wake up at seven even

00:03:23
if it's a Saturday or Sunday.

00:03:25
And I'm like, is this what mid thirties looks like? Because I don't love it here. This is.

00:03:31
Okay. So wait until you get to your sixties because that's Saturday and Sunday.

00:03:36
If it's not a recording day, I am not rolling my ass out of bed until 10 a.m.

00:03:41
Except like we live across the street, not across the street,

00:03:45
but down the block is a church.

00:03:47
And every Sunday at 930 in the morning, bang, I'm like, Jesus Christ,

00:03:52
can you make that a little like tiny bit lighter that would be awful that would be awful.

00:04:01
Now on saturday nights when i go to bed i wear my airpods so i can't hear it,

00:04:06
that's smart there you go and that's why you sleep till 10 and i'm afraid what

00:04:11
sleeping till 10 looks like anymore i know till one in the morning at seven we are awake that's wild

00:04:19
that's wild bless your not fair wow no no i mean i do have to get up at seven

00:04:27
but it's not to like fully get up i need to go to the bathroom and then i go

00:04:31
back to bed it's perfect wild dude i'm excited for that life i'm excited for that for just yes normal,

00:04:41
like normal right what time do you go to bed g-rex if you're waking up at 10

00:04:47
i will So on the weekends, I'll probably, if I haven't been up forever,

00:04:52
I stay up till about 11.

00:04:54
Because remember, like I, during the week, I only work 30 hours a week.

00:04:59
So some days I go to work at nine and some days I go to work at 10.

00:05:02
So on the days that I go to work at 10, I don't roll out of bed till 930 in

00:05:06
the morning. So I work from home.

00:05:09
I literally, it takes me two minutes to get to work. Down the stairs,

00:05:12
grab a coffee, come to work. It's super simple.

00:05:17
Hey. You're living my best life. Yes, mine too.

00:05:24
So Susie, tell us a little bit about yourself. Yeah. So I'm 36.

00:05:30
I'm a mom to a 16-year-old boy who's the coolest kid on the planet.

00:05:35
If he wasn't so awesome, I'd be like, maybe more kids in the future.

00:05:41
But we stop at the perfection, okay?

00:05:43
Why? Kids were just not for me.

00:05:46
I'm a third-generation cosmetologist. So my mom and my grandma did hair for my whole life.

00:05:54
Grew up in it. Decided when I graduated high school, that's what I was going

00:05:57
to do. She was disappointed, but that's okay.

00:06:01
And I was doing that for, I want to say, 15 years.

00:06:06
Owned my own business for about four of those years. And then my body was like,

00:06:11
reject everything about yourself. We are going to fall apart.

00:06:17
Yeah. And so I started getting carpal tunnel, cubital tunnel,

00:06:21
trigger finger, finger rotator cuff issues.

00:06:24
And my most recent situation was a herniated disc in my neck and had to have a disectomy of my neck.

00:06:32
Whoa. In the last three years, I've had four or five different surgeries.

00:06:39
Yeah. So in 2020, when COVID happened, obviously, hair salons had to take a

00:06:46
step back. So we were shut down for about three months.

00:06:50
And when we went back, that was when my body was just like, no,

00:06:55
I'm done. We don't want to do this anymore.

00:06:58
So I started recognizing all these problems that I was having.

00:07:02
And my doctor was pretty much like, listen, girl, I hate to tell you this because

00:07:09
you're only in your 30s, but you can't do this for the rest of your life.

00:07:13
It's time to start thinking about what's next.

00:07:15
So I enrolled into college and started pursuing a degree in counseling because

00:07:22
all of my clients were like, you're like the best counselor and I don't have to pay very much.

00:07:30
And it's still there.

00:07:33
So I decided to go back to school to become a counselor and I graduate May 5th

00:07:40
with my bachelor's. So I'm very excited. Wow.

00:07:42
Congrats. That's so awesome.

00:07:45
Thank you. Are you, are you hitting up your clients now with like a business

00:07:48
card? Like, Hey, remember me?

00:07:51
It's funny that you can mention that because for the last year I have been working as a crisis counselor.

00:07:58
And so I tell them all the time, like, while you can't technically call me directly,

00:08:04
here's where you can call. And I work there.

00:08:10
It's free for you.

00:08:14
You're like, so you're paying even less now. Literally, I feel like it's a win for them.

00:08:20
It's kind of a little bit of a loss on my end.

00:08:22
But hey, when we finish, I'm going to start my master's in August so I can become

00:08:28
a clinical mental health counselor, licensed.

00:08:31
And so that's obviously three years from now, probably.

00:08:35
But yeah, so for now, we're doing it. How is your family taking the change in career?

00:08:41
So my that's at first they didn't understand it you know they're obviously excited for me to.

00:08:48
Do anything you know they're happy they're supportive

00:08:52
but the way that I grew up talking about mental health was just like a very

00:08:58
hush thing and so when I said I'm going back to school to get my degree I left

00:09:04
it at that originally it was just I'm gonna get my associates so that way when I can't do hair anymore,

00:09:10
at least I'll be making more than $15 an hour, you know what I mean?

00:09:14
Or at least I hope. And then once I finished my associates and I decided I wanted

00:09:20
to get my bachelor's because there really wasn't a lot that paid you $15 an hour.

00:09:27
So I was like, okay, well, if I get the bachelor's degree, then maybe we'll bump up a little bit.

00:09:34
And during that timeframe, I decided I was in love with psychology.

00:09:40
Like it just spoke to me on a whole new level. And I had all these clients telling

00:09:44
me like, you would make such a good counselor, like you should really look into that.

00:09:47
But I also had like this thing about forensic psychology.

00:09:52
I don't know why, but like, I'm the person who falls asleep to murder docs. So like, yes, my thing.

00:09:59
So I did a minor in criminal justice just so that way I could have like that, mentality.

00:10:06
So when I told them those two things, they were like,

00:10:10
but why?

00:10:13
And I was like, so I can process my own childhood trauma, okay?

00:10:20
I'm going to self-diagnose. I'm good. Like, I got free therapy while I was getting an education.

00:10:27
It's kind of bit me though, because, you know, now that I do have that new found

00:10:31
awareness of certain things, and I can look back on things and obviously look

00:10:37
at other people and kind of help them through situations,

00:10:39
you really end up in a very isolated space because people are like afraid to

00:10:47
talk to you because they don't want you to be like mentally mind gaming them with your brain.

00:10:56
Some people don't come to me anymore for their problems.

00:11:00
Right. I feel like I'm on my couch. We're going to, we're going to therapist. Right. Yeah.

00:11:07
I feel like we, when we started doing the podcast, we started interviewing friends and family members.

00:11:14
Cause it was, you know, kind of like us like tiptoeing our way into that world.

00:11:18
But after that, I felt like my friends, I either had, they didn't want to talk

00:11:22
to me at all or like only like when we're drinking. Right.

00:11:25
Or they were like, so let me talk to you about my childhood.

00:11:29
And it was like, we're not recording. Like, where is this coming from? Right.

00:11:33
That is so literally my life to a T.

00:11:36
And then if they come to me with their problems, because like they're just wanting

00:11:41
that friend to talk to, I'm like,

00:11:44
Okay. Do we want, so I have a pseudonym that I use for my counseling and my

00:11:50
close friends and family know what that name is.

00:11:52
So I'm not going to say what that name is, but let's just pretend her name is Samantha.

00:11:55
Okay. Do you want Samantha Susie or do you want your friend Susie?

00:12:00
Because those are two different people.

00:12:02
So we need to know who we want to talk to.

00:12:06
You're like, I'm here to show up for you, but just tell me how. In what way do you need?

00:12:10
And every time I say that, they're like, you sound so like a counselor.

00:12:15
I'm like, can't turn it off, guys. I don't know.

00:12:18
There's nothing on off switch, okay?

00:12:20
I love that though. I love that you're still so mindful though.

00:12:23
Like I'm going to be here for you, but just let me know how do you need me?

00:12:27
Because we'll channel either one.

00:12:29
Prior to the counseling side of things, when I would give advice or give help,

00:12:33
they always received it so well.

00:12:35
They're like, oh my gosh, it's like the best advice ever.

00:12:38
And then nothing changed except for pursuing a degree in it.

00:12:43
And now it's met with that, like, don't tell me how to live my life.

00:12:48
Why are you analyzing me?

00:12:53
Which is so interesting. It is just interesting to think about.

00:12:58
But I get it. Like, it was very, honestly, I mean, I guess to a certain degree,

00:13:04
I knew I needed therapy because I knew I needed it, right? Not because anybody told me I needed it.

00:13:09
But I remember when I first made that decision telling my husband at the time,

00:13:13
I think I'm going to do this.

00:13:14
And I was kind of scared because I didn't know what he would say or what his reaction would be.

00:13:19
And I never told my family. I didn't tell them until...

00:13:23
Three years later or something like that just because the stigma

00:13:26
around mental health was like why do you need it you're totally

00:13:29
fine there's nothing that you need from a stranger that's

00:13:32
going to tell you something that I can't I couldn't tell you or that you couldn't

00:13:35
tell yourself and it was very interesting to like kind of be met with that I

00:13:40
think the only person I understood was my dad because he became a therapist

00:13:43
so like it made sense but yeah but I just it's so So interesting to me how that stigma or that fear or,

00:13:52
I don't know, mentality.

00:13:54
I think that only, and I'm going to use this word in the nicest way,

00:13:58
only people who are crazy, mentally unstable, unwell are the ones who need therapy.

00:14:03
When in reality, the shift that we have had happen,

00:14:08
especially over the last four years with COVID and that isolation we all went

00:14:14
through, I think people don't realize that therapy can just be a really great

00:14:19
way to talk out your feelings,

00:14:21
your problems with an unbiased person that really just wants to be there to support you.

00:14:28
You and whether that's they give you feedback, they give you affirmations,

00:14:32
they give you something to work on, whatever you need in that moment.

00:14:36
Therapy is just a good outlet to just say what you need to say and not be met

00:14:41
with rejection or not be met with hostility.

00:14:44
So it's more than just for the people who may feel mentally unstable.

00:14:49
It's for the people who just maybe like Like, need a friend that's not your

00:14:54
friend to talk to. Right. Yes.

00:14:56
So true. So, so true. Yeah.

00:14:59
And life changes, right? So like, for me, when I found the therapist that I

00:15:03
worked well with, also...

00:15:07
Not like there's something to be said when you have a conversation with

00:15:10
a friend it's that one conversation you feel great after it

00:15:12
but after that conversation life changes and you need you might need another

00:15:16
conversation so to have this therapist there somebody who will check in with

00:15:20
you or that you have this continual you know appointment on your calendar you

00:15:25
know you're going to meet with them again that's I think what at least got me

00:15:28
through some of the darkest times was,

00:15:30
having that consistency and that help from that unbiased person that's literally

00:15:35
there just to support you and listen to you and be there for you. Absolutely.

00:15:39
And I think that's one of the reasons why I'm so grateful I got into being a

00:15:43
crisis counselor before going into being a licensed counselor,

00:15:49
because I get to look at mental health in such a unique way.

00:15:56
I'm literally talking to people who have gotten to the point where they are,

00:16:00
I no longer want to be on the planets like I'm done with existence and to help

00:16:06
them see themselves in a different way when we're not in person.

00:16:11
I don't know what they look like, don't know where they are,

00:16:14
don't know what they're doing, any

00:16:15
of that stuff, and have just a genuine conversation with them, unbiased.

00:16:19
I don't know their friends. I don't know their family. I'll probably never talk to them again.

00:16:23
There's something to be said with that conversation with someone who's completely

00:16:28
neutral to your life. Amen.

00:16:32
Because I will tell you, 988 saved my life, literally.

00:16:37
I wouldn't be here today without them. They don't ask your name.

00:16:41
They don't ask where you live. They don't do.

00:16:43
They are the most empathetic people you will ever talk to. And the next day

00:16:48
I was in therapy, and today I'm alive.

00:16:51
I'm so happy. A year later. Like that. I know.

00:16:54
The stories like that are what make me adore my job so much more.

00:17:00
And I get met with that question of how can you possibly do that job?

00:17:04
Like how daily, you know, and it's obviously stories like that where it's like,

00:17:11
I could have literally one conversation with the person at the end of it.

00:17:15
They're like, I think you just changed my life. And that's a humbling feeling.

00:17:20
It also kind of makes me a little sick because I'm like, what if you get someone

00:17:23
you talk to the next time that's not the same way and what could happen, right?

00:17:28
One of the things we are taught very early on in our job, in our role,

00:17:33
in our position is we can only control our controllables.

00:17:37
And after that, it's outside of our control and we cannot blame ourselves for

00:17:43
things other people do. Yeah.

00:17:46
I'm not one of the people that's like, how can you do that every day?

00:17:49
I immediately worry about you.

00:17:51
I'm like, how do you take care Yeah.

00:17:56
I would be, I would find that part hard. So I guess I'll get like,

00:18:02
take it back to what made me want to do this job in the first place.

00:18:06
Growing up, I had a family member and I'm going to leave it at a family member

00:18:11
who was very up and down emotionally.

00:18:17
And this person was two years younger than me and they just had a lot going on.

00:18:23
They were a very popular person, very well-liked, but their parent,

00:18:28
one was an alcoholic, the other one was extremely strict, very type A personality,

00:18:35
very disciplined nature.

00:18:38
A lot of the times you would get met with yelling if you did something wrong.

00:18:43
So this family member of mine just had a lot of things going on in their life.

00:18:50
And for them, they did not know how to process or handle it very well.

00:18:56
And when they got into high school, they just had exceptionally bad acne and

00:19:03
it just ruined their self-esteem.

00:19:05
And they started taking medication called Accutane. I'm sure people are familiar

00:19:09
with it. It caused them a lot of depression and suicidal ideations.

00:19:15
And I'll never forget, they got in trouble and they sent me a message basically

00:19:22
telling me that they were like done with their life and that they swallowed a whole bottle of pills.

00:19:29
And I remember in that moment, I was 16 or 17, I think.

00:19:34
And I remember like calling their parents saying, hey, this is serious.

00:19:39
We need to take this serious.

00:19:41
And that parent at first was like, oh gosh, no, we hear that all the time. It's not a big deal.

00:19:47
They just use it for attention, et cetera, et cetera.

00:19:50
And I was just like, no, we need to get them taken care of.

00:19:55
And found that person, that family member, empty bottle of pills.

00:20:00
The 9-1-1 came, bumped their stomach, the whole nine yards. They had to spend

00:20:06
some time in the hospital.

00:20:08
And for several years after that, they were never quite right.

00:20:13
They were always dysregulated.

00:20:15
Moods would go up, moods would go down. And I kept insisting,

00:20:18
and I was, like I said, 16, 17 at the time, I think they might be bipolar.

00:20:23
I just feel it in my heart. The extreme mood swings were just Just unbelievable.

00:20:30
One day they would be the nicest person to you. And then in five minutes,

00:20:35
they were calling you a see you next Tuesday.

00:20:37
You know, like it's just...

00:20:40
Mind-blowing. And so when I moved away, I went to beauty school,

00:20:45
started living my own life, you know, got pregnant at 19, had postpartum depression,

00:20:51
awful, didn't know what it was, didn't understand it.

00:20:56
So all of these things were happening.

00:20:59
And the idea that I had this family member who had multiple occasions of suicidal

00:21:07
ideations, several attempts, hems.

00:21:09
Obviously, they're still here today, thank God. And then going through my own

00:21:13
phases of postpartum depression and having these dark, weird thoughts,

00:21:18
like deranged, dark, weird thoughts.

00:21:21
I remember my child screaming, crying one night and thinking,

00:21:25
if I just maybe put him in the closet for a day, you know, like,

00:21:29
yeah, I could get the craziest experience I've ever had.

00:21:35
And And nobody really talked about that. Like I said, I'm 36.

00:21:38
I had him at, I turned 20 shortly after he was born.

00:21:41
So back then, postpartum depression just was not talked about as much. Right.

00:21:47
Especially to a young mom, a single mom, somebody on poverty level who's not

00:21:53
getting the right proper doctors to help them.

00:21:58
So I say all that

00:22:01
to say that for since I was 16 17 I

00:22:04
just felt this in my heart like I wanted

00:22:07
to help the people who couldn't help themselves and I

00:22:11
saw the listing on indeed for this I was like why do I want to apply for that

00:22:18
like I think I want to do that I think I want to be a crisis counselor like

00:22:23
I think I want to work there and I was really nervous but a good friend of mine

00:22:27
was like, you'd be amazing at that.

00:22:29
And so I applied. I didn't have my bachelor's degree yet. It said you didn't need it at that time.

00:22:35
And within two weeks, they hired me.

00:22:39
Wow. And yeah, now you are required to have a bachelor's degree to work there.

00:22:44
At least in the state that I live in, which I will also not say what state I

00:22:49
live in, but at least in the state that I live in, it is a requirement that

00:22:53
you have a bachelor's degree.

00:22:54
So I'm almost graduated. So that's it.

00:22:58
Nice. Right before that cutoff.

00:23:02
Right. So, but you are though, like you have a way to take care of yourself after a tough day?

00:23:08
Yeah. So I, when I went through therapy, this is how my therapist,

00:23:15
because I needed to go through therapy for myself in my early thirties,

00:23:20
I went through a very awful divorce.

00:23:23
I, there were some really terrible things being said about me.

00:23:26
I was being talked about on the internet and I had nobody I felt safe talking to.

00:23:31
So I felt like no no matter who I talked to, it was going to spin out into a lie.

00:23:36
And like my own family couldn't even protect me because they didn't know what the truth was.

00:23:41
And so I just didn't feel safe talking to anyone.

00:23:45
So I started talking to a therapist and I would tell her all these different

00:23:48
things that were going on and how I was handling it.

00:23:52
And we go through six weeks worth of conversation. I was seeing her once a week

00:23:58
and she, by the end of it, she was like, you are a person who is like.

00:24:06
Excelling in emotional detachment. You have this insane ability to emotionally

00:24:14
detach from whatever situation is happening.

00:24:18
And I would tell her, at the end of the day, here's how I do self care.

00:24:22
I do a nighttime routine with my face.

00:24:26
I do a weekly routine with my hair. I like to only do spray tans.

00:24:32
I don't tan in a tanning bed.

00:24:33
I eat pretty healthy. I work out.

00:24:36
Sometimes it depends on what we're in.

00:24:40
And so I'm like, she's like, you just are very skilled in emotional detachment.

00:24:45
And when that person that you're having whatever with is not in front of you,

00:24:51
you are able to detach from that and re-regulate yourself.

00:24:55
And I'm like, that's so weird because that's true

00:24:58
that's a

00:25:02
very unique skill I would imagine yeah like

00:25:05
she said I'm very skilled and I was like is that like a bad thing because I

00:25:11
didn't know I'm like does this mean I need more therapy like are you could I

00:25:16
be doing something I don't know

00:25:18
I don't know if what you're seeing is a compliment or if I need more work.

00:25:25
And it's like, you know, you have a unique ability.

00:25:29
I've always like, I wouldn't say like I'm always positive because that would be a lie.

00:25:35
Most of the time, I'm a very positive person. I try to see the best in people.

00:25:39
I am a recovering people pleaser. Very proud of that.

00:25:44
But I also like to laugh and have a good time.

00:25:48
And so I think I think that the ability to emotionally detach,

00:25:54
while it sounds probably a little wild, like I just don't allow things to sit with me for too long.

00:26:01
Yeah, that's good. Yeah, that's really good. That's a really healthy,

00:26:05
like, I almost want to say it's like a boundary, right?

00:26:07
Like you're, you can't get past this point. That's really good.

00:26:10
Hi, y'all. Thank you so much for listening to this episode. I'm G-Rex.

00:26:14
And I'm Dirty Skittles. Don't forget to subscribe, rate, and review this podcast.

00:26:19
We'd love to listen to your feedback.

00:26:22
We can't do this without you guys.

00:26:26
It's okay to be not okay.

00:26:28
Music.