Yalda’s Truth: Surviving Postpartum Depression and Finding Purpose

[00:00:06] Hey there, listeners. Welcome to Shit That Goes Under Our Heads, the podcast where we normalize conversations around mental health. That's right. I'm Dirty Skittles and alongside my amazing co-host, you, Rex, we are here to share stories and tips from our incredible guests. Each episode, we deep dive into struggles and triumphs of mental health, offering practical advice and heartfelt support. Because no one should feel alone in their journey. Join us as we break the stigma and build a community of understanding and compassion.

[00:00:35] Tune in and let's start talking about the shit that goes on in our heads. Three, two, one. Welcome back to another episode of Shit That Goes On In Our Heads. Today, I'm here with my amazing co-host, Dirty Skittles. And we have an amazing guest, Yaldas. Thank you so much for joining us today. Yaldas Truths Thank you for having me on. I'm excited. It's an honor.

[00:01:02] Yaldas Truths Welcome. I'm so excited to get to know you and hear your story. What are you comfortable sharing with our listeners? I am very open about my mental health journey. So anything goes, you know, I'm happy to share whatever anybody would want to know. And I'm just an open book on this topic because I think that's the only way that we can really make impact and change in this space is by being upfront and honest about what actually goes on in our heads. Yeah.

[00:01:30] So people can be better prepared and better equipped to deal with it. Yeah. Have you always been as open and honest about mental health in your life? Honestly, when I grew up, I mean, I knew people who had mental illnesses. I think I held the same judgments and perceptions as a lot of us had been conditioned to grow up and believe. And so it wasn't really and I did my schooling in psychology. So I've always been kind of fascinated about this area and I learned a lot.

[00:01:57] But I can say and I'm a huge proponent of education and all of that, but I can say nothing taught me the way lived experience did. And once I went through my own journey, it was where I really changed my perception on mental illness. I changed my whole perspective about how I approach it and how I see it. A lot of the judgments and misconceptions that I previously held, I really did a strong self internal work to make sure I got rid of a lot of that.

[00:02:24] And so that's why I do a lot of advocacy now to talk about mental health, because I just think there's a lot of misconceptions and misunderstandings and it's been a misunderstood topic. Yeah, for sure. Where did that journey begin for you? Like, reflecting on what you were going through in your life? Yeah. So for me, like with regards to mental illness, it began after I had my son in 2013. So prior to that, I never had a mental illness before. I never experienced it personally myself.

[00:02:54] And then I had my son and I remember all throughout my pregnancy just being very scared and fearful. And what now I know to be anxious about the whole concept of giving birth. And it was so scary to me. And I remember people would always ask me, oh, my God, are you so excited? I'm like, yeah, but I'm just so nervous. And, you know, that happiness that a lot of, you know, most not every woman will have this, but a lot of women have when they're ready to have a child and they're pregnant and they're excited.

[00:03:22] I mean, I felt none of that. And I was just fear based. And it really was after while I was at the hospital giving birth to my son and he was a C-section. So I was there, you know, doing my thing and they gave him to me. And I just remember feeling like I feel nothing. I feel no emotion. I feel no happiness. And my husband at the time was behind me. He's like beaming, smiling, all overjoyed. And I was like nothing, like no emotion.

[00:03:49] And I remember just thinking like I had this like almost sharp zap in my head as it all happened. And I remember just thinking something doesn't feel right here. I don't feel OK. And when they wheeled me back to the recovery room before they brought my son again, I actually asked the nurse, I said, you know, I don't feel joy and happiness or anything right now. Is this normal? And she kind of looked at me and said, yeah, you know, don't worry. Not everyone gets that right away. It's not like you see on TV or they're all overjoyed and all that.

[00:04:18] That's not always the case. And I kind of thought, OK, but I just remember inside feeling like something just doesn't feel right here. And really, that's where it all really started for me, where it just continued. I mean, baby blues is very common, obviously, for a lot of women to experience after birth. But for me, it just progressively kept getting deeper and deeper. My sadness every day I was crying. I was not sleeping. I was anxious, wasn't feeling well.

[00:04:47] And it just kind of got to the point where it just got deeper and my disconnect with him got more and more. So I just I always kept saying, I know in my heart, in my head somewhere that I do love him, but I don't feel like I love him. I don't feel the love towards him. Like, how is this possible? This is my own child and I don't really feel that love. And, you know, it took quite some time. It wasn't until my six week maternity checkup appointment where my sister, one of my sisters, she accompanied me.

[00:05:17] And my sisters are both social workers, but this one in particular had heard of postpartum mental illness. So she said, you know, when the doctor asked me, are you OK? Are you sleeping? Is your mood OK? I'm like, yeah, I'm fine. I'm just not sleeping. And my sister piped up and said, no, she's lying. She is definitely not OK. You know, these are some of the things that I've been going on. And I remember feeling, oh, you betrayed me.

[00:05:40] But inside, I was so relieved because I was like, oh, my God, maybe there's somebody who can help me because I everything feels awful right now. And so I told the doctor, she's right. You know, this is how I've been feeling. I've been so sad. I've been crying all of this. And the doctor said, I think you have postpartum depression. And so I'm going to give you some medication for this. And I remember that was a twofold, you know, hard pill for me to swallow, because one was you're telling me I have depression. Like I'm someone with a mental illness now. I have this label.

[00:06:10] And the second was what? Now you want to give me meds? I don't want this stuff. No. And I was so apprehensive about it. But I was in just such a state of distress that kind of later that day when I got home, I was like, you know what? I got to do what I got to do, because at this point I'm like ready to call it quits of life here. And so I went and I got the medication and I always say every talk I ever do, I always say I'm not here to I'm not a mental health professional or medical professional. I don't talk about whether people should or should not be on medication.

[00:06:39] That's a conversation between medical professionals and an individual. But in my case, I had to take it. And I was actually given one of the more most common prescribed medications for postpartum. And I had a very adverse reaction to it. So that kind of triggered the opposite effect of what we needed, because it just skyrocketed my anxiety to a thousandfold. I remember I was the first day I took it and then the second day I took it. I was up 48 hours doing this.

[00:07:07] Like I'm going to throw up. My insides feel like they're coming out. I feel so awful. And so I went back to the doctor, switched the medication and there began the cycle of months upon trying to figure out which meds work, which ones don't work. And then my anxiety was getting like perpetually worse. And then my depression was getting worse. And then the disconnect and it was no longer just a disconnect of towards my son. But then I started to dissociate from reality.

[00:07:35] So then it was I would walk up to people in my life and I would pinch their arms like this and be like, are you real? Oh, wow. Am I here? Is this really happening? So I was really having a lot of dissociation and things happening. And at this point, eventually I had gotten into a specialist psychiatrist who deals with postpartum and perinatal mental health. And during these months while she was trying to kind of treat me as well, again, trying to find the right combination of meds because I was just that the association was getting worse.

[00:08:05] And, you know, bless her. She always said, if you feel like it's at the point where it's getting, you know, that it's not something that you can work with or control. It's fine to go to the hospital. There's nothing wrong with going to the hospital. You can get more targeted help. And I was, again, really hesitant. And it's part of it is because I kept telling myself, like, I don't want to be labeled as having a mental illness. I don't want to take these meds. I'm strong. I'm a strong willed person. I've always been a strong woman. Like, I want to do this. I can do this without meds.

[00:08:32] And so anytime I would slightly even try to feel better, I would try to get off the meds or dose down because I'm like, OK, now I got it. And then I would come crashing right back down and regress. And so it finally got to the point that at about six months, my son was six months, my family decided to go on a trip to Mexico thinking a change in scenery and environment might help me out. And my entire family was there. And my son was with my mom by the poolside and just kind of sitting there. And they had scheduled a massage for me to go have a massage. And so I wasn't too far from them.

[00:09:01] And I went to I was remember lying on the massage table. And as the ladies massaging me, I suddenly had a thought that was like, you need to kill your son. And I just remember I was petrified, like my whole body was shaking. And I just immediately was like, I can't do this massage anymore. I just got up quickly, got dressed, ran to where my mom and my son and my family were. And I was at this resort crying profusely. And I'm like, I just had a thought to kill him. I just had a thought to kill him. What's happening to me? Like, I'm going crazy. What's going on?

[00:09:31] And so, you know, my family calmed me down and they were like, don't worry, he's safe. You haven't done anything. It's just the anxiety and the depression talking like this isn't you. Don't worry, it's you're going to get better. And so they kind of calmed me down. But again, the anxiousness was not going away. The fears were not going away. And throughout that whole week at Mexico was like, honestly, I'm traumatized every time I go to Mexico now because it always reminds me of how horrific that one week there was. We eventually got back to Calgary a couple of days later. You know, it was New Year's right after New Year's.

[00:10:01] I was at my mom's house one day. And at this point, I'm at the point where I can't be alone. I'm scared to be alone. I'm scared to be alone around my house for four or five hours a day with my son in a stroller sometimes because I needed some human beings around me. Because if I was at home alone, oh, my God, the anxiety was unbearable. And so I was at my mom's house. I was changing my son on a change pad on her carpet. And as I got up to throw the diaper away and he was just lying there, bless his soul.

[00:10:30] And I just had suddenly a thought to crush his skull with my foot. And I raised my foot and hovered it above his head. And just before I lowered it, I don't know, like I always say, I'm like, I think that was like, you know, God protecting me or something in there. Because I suddenly snapped out before I smashed my head onto my foot onto his head. And I was like, oh, my God, what am I doing? And I just screamed for my mom to come help. And she ran to the room and I was like, you got to take me to the hospital.

[00:11:00] There's something wrong with me. I am not getting better. I'm getting worse. I don't even know how my body did this. I just almost killed this child. I need you to take him away from me. Take me, put me in a hospital, do whatever you got to do. Take me away from him. I'm going to kill him. And so my mom obviously took my son, called my husband at the time. He came.

[00:11:28] We went to the emergency room of the hospital. The nurse saw me and stuff. And we talked. And I just kind of told her, I'm crying through all this. I've been to the hospital. And I said, I don't care if you take my son away forever. I do not want to be the one to kill him. And at this point, I'm also very suicidal, by the way, as well. Like I've had every day I would wake up thinking, God, I hope today's the day that I can like somehow die. And because of my strong faith and also because my brother passed away before I was born,

[00:11:58] I always had that in the back of my head. Like, I don't want to take my own life. I don't want to take my own life. But I constantly thought of scenarios where maybe it could happen. Right. So I remember in Mexico, I went on the back of a jet ski because I thought, I don't know how to swim. This is perfect. Maybe I'll like drown. Didn't happen. They make you wear life jackets. I went zip lining thinking maybe it'll fall. It didn't.

[00:12:23] And so I had a lot of these ideations, but I was not willing to go through with it. But by the point, you know, I went to the hospital. I was like, I am not well. Like, I'm either taking my life or I'm taking his life. And I need you guys to do something about this and take me away. And so the nurse just hugged me and she said, we're not going to take your son away from you, but you are very sick. And, you know, I commend you on coming in here because there are so many women who go through

[00:12:51] this kind of experience and they're too scared to come and get help for the exact reason of they're going to take my child away. And then sometimes something horrible happens to them or their child. And so I want to thank you for coming in. And her telling me that just really reassured me that, okay, maybe I'm going to be okay. And then obviously to check me in because I voluntarily came in, I had to sign a waiver that says I'm no longer voluntarily allowed to leave until a doctor deems me mentally sound enough to be able to do so.

[00:13:21] And so I spent three weeks in a psych ward. They really monitored my meds. They increased the doses of certain meds. And after about three weeks, I was able to finally leave. And I was at the point where I was kind of locked down. I wasn't even allowed to get off the unit to go get a coffee. Like I was there and had to be there. And I think it was the best decision I ever made in my life for myself and for my son. My son and I would not be here today if I didn't go to that hospital.

[00:13:47] And so that's why I'm a huge proponent of talking about mental illness and talking about even that fear of going to a hospital, because I understand a lot of people, you know, since that I've had conversations say, well, if I go to a hospital, it'll impact my career, it'll impact my life, this and that. And I'm like, you know, at the end of the day, saving your own life is more important. And it doesn't impact your career and your life because I spent three weeks in a psych ward. I publicly talk about it all the time. I wrote a book about all of this.

[00:14:15] I do speaking about all of this and I'm still flourishing in my career. So it's not going to impede your career. If anything, you're going to be helping others who really should, you know, possibly be in a hospital scenario or even if not hospitalized, I should just have the courage to go ask for help. And so that's really where my journey was. It took two and a half years in total for me to regain my sense of self, for me to be off medication and be okay again.

[00:14:43] And I'm very grateful for the experience. So in every mental health session I do at the end of my sessions, my last speaking point is always I talk about the benefits of mental illness and audiences always kind of look at me like, are you really like benefits? And there are because there's a lot that I learned about myself, my strength, about life,

[00:15:07] about changing perspectives on mental illness, about changing misconceptions about mental illness, about educating others, even my own child. I, when I wrote my book in 2021, my son was eight. He could read, he could actually read pretty well. So I was worried if he'd ever pick up a copy and read it or something, you know? And so I explained the journey to him and I said, mommy was really sick when I had you and it's not my body that was sick. It was my mind that became sick.

[00:15:38] And I said, you know, you know, mom loves you more than anyone in the world, right? And he said, absolutely, mom, of course, I know you love me more than anyone. I said, you know, I would never hurt you or harm you. And he's, of course, I said, but when I was sick, I almost came really close to hurting you. And so I had to go to the hospital and they had to give me some medication and I had to be monitored for a while. And after that, I was able, you know, to be better. And I said, when someone's brain becomes sick, it's kind of like a colder flu.

[00:16:06] I said, when you get a colder flu, do you want to catch a colder flu? And he said, no. I said, sometimes you do. So you don't worry about why you caught it. You worry about how you get yourself better. And so that's what mom had to do. I had to go to the hospital and get better and do all that stuff. And I said, but do you know what's the number one thing that gave me the strength and courage and motivation to get better? And he said, what? And I said, you, it's your hugs, your smiles, your cuddles, your love.

[00:16:34] That is the reason that I had the strength and the courage to keep fighting until I got better so that I could love you the way I'm supposed to love you and the way I love you now. And so you, my love, are the reason that I'm alive today. You saved my life. And so my son now views mental illness as not a choice. And he knows that in order to help somebody with a mental illness, you show them love and support and compassion.

[00:17:00] And you don't judge them for why they're going through it because they didn't choose to go through it. And he also feels empowered because he feels like the hero of our story versus someone who's the cause of his mom becoming sick. He actually thinks he's the reason his mom got better. And so learning that came from having a mental illness. Having that perspective came from that.

[00:17:26] And so I think I'm very grateful for the journey because it also prepared me for later in life when right now things like I'm in perimenopause and mental illness struck me again, right? And anxiety. And this time, instead of being really very sick for two and a half years, it was almost just three months. And then I knew exactly what to do to help myself. And so that is such an invaluable lesson. And yeah, that's where the journey went for me. Wow.

[00:17:57] First, I mean, thank you for talking about this because I, when I was pregnant with my son, none of my friends or family or anybody I really knew ever shared those feelings. And I, and I mean, I would hear about it maybe like in an interview, like a actress had it or, but no detail to it. And so for whatever reason, I think I got blessed that my husband was hypersensitive.

[00:18:25] And so when I had my son, he was like watching me, like making sure I was going to be okay. And is everything all right? And like, he was so afraid that something like that could happen. So he was on the lookout for me on my behalf. And I'm thankful for that because nobody prepares you for that dark reality of this could happen. I think people are afraid to talk about it and don't want to worry the mom or, you know,

[00:18:52] and no, I think about how many lives could be changed just knowing that ahead of time so that you can recognize those things. So what an amazing story. Like that is incredible that you were able to do that for yourself. Thank you. And stop. Yeah. And I agree with you. I honestly, I'm a huge believer that yes, it can be a little bit scary if you let a new mom or someone who's pregnant know that this could happen. But I actually think, you know, that saying knowledge is power. Knowledge is power.

[00:19:21] And this is why even whenever I do sessions on mental health, I don't direct it just to moms or women because it's important for everybody to know about this as family members, as partners, as colleagues. So you have an awareness of, hey, if something doesn't seem right, you can kind of step in and get that person to get the support that they need. Right.

[00:19:46] And the thing is, by not talking about the nitty gritty details of what can really happen, I think you don't do people like you're it's a disservice to others. Right. Because, yes, you might hear that a celebrity or somebody had some postpartum mental illness, but what does it really entail? But when you talk about this is what happened as a mother, nobody ever wants to sit there and say, I did not love my own child. Oh, my gosh.

[00:20:15] The judgment that you would receive. And for me, I openly say that I felt no love towards my child at the beginning, not because I'm devoid of emotions and feeling and the ability to love because I was not well. I was not myself. And so I think really helping people understand that sometimes mental illness happens and it's not a choice. That is the number one thing that if, you know, I go to my grave making a difference

[00:20:45] in this world is for people to understand mental illness is not a choice. And so why do we treat it if someone's going through a mental illness that they did something to will it? They did something to bring it on. They, you know, didn't do something in a certain way. And that's why they have this. I had so much negativity and judgment around me. I had people very close to me who were supposed to be a source of support saying things like, oh, it's because she's into fashion and wants to dress up.

[00:21:12] And now she can't that she got this or, oh, she's not breastfeeding her child because she doesn't want her, you know, the chain, her breast to change. Let me tell you, strapped onto dual pumps for 45 minutes every hour on the hour, that definitely changes your breast shape and consistency. And that is not the issue. I didn't produce enough milk. And it took seven different lactation consultants and someone literally like scientifically measuring

[00:21:41] milk production for me to be like, lady, you don't produce milk. Thank you. I've been trying to tell everybody this for, you know, a month and a half and no one believes me and thinks this, you know, I'm doing this to be selfish or whatever. And it's everybody's individual choice. That's where I think people need to understand as a new mom, you're already going through so much in your mind, trying to adjust. Like you don't need people's judgments. And then I think the biggest thing takeaway is not only to help other people's judgments

[00:22:10] change, but to change our own judgments. So I know that the day I started to get better was the day I stopped stigmatizing myself, was the day I said that label of a mental illness has no hold and power on me unless I assign meaning to it. The words are, you have anxiety, you have depression. Great. Those are just words unless I assign a negative connotation to those words.

[00:22:37] And so when we stop assigning that negative connotation to those words, the meanings don't have such a deep hold on us anymore. Right. And the day I said, I do whatever I need to do to get better, but I have to take meds for the rest of my life. To hell with it. I have to take meds for the rest of my life. Great. But if it lets me flourish and be happy and be the vibrant, bubbly person that I am such

[00:23:02] an extrovert, get me out in society, I was at the point where I love dressing up. I even talked about in my book, I use fashion as a way to get out of some of my anxiety and depression because it lets me, you know, positively reinforce my mind that, hey, if I can control this area of my life, I can start to control my thoughts too. It was such a positive, empowering thing for me. And I was, when I was sick, I was at the point where my gray hair had all come out. I didn't do my hair and makeup. I was in like dirty clothes with like holes in it.

[00:23:31] I didn't shower half the time. I didn't brush my teeth. Like, and I openly tell people this because I need people to understand sometimes when you are going through such a severe mental illness, whatever it might be, anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, whatever it is, psychosis, like all of it, you, sometimes you can't even function as a human being, let alone as your role as a mom, as a wife,

[00:23:59] as a sister, as a, you know, individual in the workplace. And I think people need to understand that. Like sometimes just conjuring up the energy to be able to brush my teeth. I didn't have that. And so what do you expect of me to be this perfect and does everything by routine and a certain structure? No, I'm literally trying to keep him alive and keep me alive. And that is the goal today, right? The house is a mess. I'm not cooking. I'm not cleaning. I don't give a shit. That's how it's going to be because I got to survive.

[00:24:27] And the support people need to stop putting those nonsense pressures. And instead of pressuring people, help them understand how they can get better. Help them understand that they didn't choose to become sick. So now help empower them instead of focusing on why you became sick, focus on how you can get better and reframing your mind in that way, I think goes a long way in not only helping ourselves, but then helping if we're in a support role. Yeah, totally. Everything you're saying is yes.

[00:24:57] Like, I love that we're having this conversation. I'm this is everything. This is everything. I like how you're also positioning that for your son so that he can understand. It's something that, you know, we do here at our home. But I love how you explained it like a cold because it is something that I want him to take away that same knowledge from. We talk about feelings doctor. You know, he knows his grandpa's a feelings doctor. He knows mommy goes and talks to a feelings doctor about her feelings.

[00:25:27] And that's kind of how we position it. But mental illness, we haven't quite tackled that topic yet. And I love how you did that. So I'm going to take that back and use it for sure. Good. I'm glad. And yeah, I mean, it's mental illness is such a complex topic for a small child. It's hard to explain. But I think I had, you know, I wanted my son at a young age to not have the judgments and

[00:25:54] misconceptions that we've all been conditioned to learn and believe. And so that was the easiest thing that kind of came to my head was like, buddy, you've got a cold or flu. You get it half the time. You really want to know what happens when you do what you need to do to get better. And same kind of thing. And I think it's a really easy way for children to be able to understand the topic until they're older enough to understand more. Yeah, it's like such an important life lesson that I didn't have that as a child. So yeah, I mean, I love that.

[00:26:24] I love that you did that. That's great. And just as an adult, I don't have any children, but I've already been through those motions, right? Because like at my age, I wasn't taught any of this, right? Like the only thing I was taught is we don't talk about it. Okay.

[00:26:48] Well, that's all well and good until you wake up on Christmas Day and want to commit suicide. So by us sharing our journeys, we open up somebody else's prison, right? So they do not feel so alone and they've got some answers, right? They know that there's nothing. They didn't bring this on themselves. It's just our minds. Like we can't control mental health. We can't.

[00:27:18] It happens. And making, you know, for me, like my big push now is making companies more aware of mental health and making sure that they're taking care of their employees' mental health. The big topic right now, because there's so many exterior things going on outside of your office walls, right? It eventually makes its way inside.

[00:27:42] And I can only imagine being a mom and having not just the internal demons going on, but every, all the other external factors that are going on. And you're like trying to manage this. I'm thankful that, you know, you had that support system, that you had your sister, that you had your mom and that you had it in you. Go and figure out what was going on. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:28:07] And I think that's the important part is for people to realize that you have so much more strength than you often give yourself credit for. And so when we start to see, I think, again, this is all such conditioning we've all had in, you know, previous generations where we've kind of been taught that if someone's going through a mental illness, they're only from like certain socioeconomic statuses or certain

[00:28:34] lifestyle choices or only certain types of people or certain demographics. No. And it's funny because so often every time I've done a speaking session and I, at the end of the audience just kind of looks, oh my God, I would, and I've, people have told me like, I would have never guessed looking at you. That was your story. And I'm like, bingo, that's the number one thing that I try to change. There is no face to mental illness. You can't tell, you can't tell who's going through a mental illness.

[00:28:59] I may look like I'm very, you know, successful or whatever and put together, but you have no idea because that's what I had struggled with. And I still take medication, you know, for things like anxiety and ADHD and things like that. So you won't be able to tell. So you have to remove that negativity and that stigma. And the second thing is, why are people conditioned to believe that asking for help is a sign of weakness? Right.

[00:29:26] I'm telling you something, when you have the strong self-awareness to recognize something right, that is strong self-awareness. That is emotional intelligence. When you have the ability to articulate that, not only to yourself, but to someone who you can seek support and help with like a medical professional, that is strength to put yourself in that situation and say, I'm not well and I need help. That is a sign of resiliency. That is a sign of courage.

[00:29:54] There is no way in hell anyone can tell me those are all weak qualities. Those are all qualities of a strong person. And so when someone is willing to go get help and ask for help, we should celebrate them and say, damn, you are a strong, courageous human being for being willing to do that versus making them feel like, oh, you're weak because you needed help. No, because it's definitely not a weak thing to do. It takes a lot of courage to do that. Right.

[00:30:23] Especially when you have grown up with one preconceived notion of what it means. I think that was one of the hardest things. You're also fighting against yourself to admit that I can't fix this. I need help. There is something wrong. I think battling that battle within yourself first is harder than telling a friend or a family member and fighting that.

[00:30:48] For me, it was harder to fight it within myself and come to an understanding of this is strength, you know, admitting that I need the help. So I can't. Yeah. It's impressive to hear your story. And that was one thing that I kept thinking of because in the beginning you mentioned how you're like, no, I'm strong. I can do this without medication. I could do this. I could do this. And I'm like, I hope you did find out that you were actually stronger than you ever knew because of the journey you went through and taking the steps you did to get better.

[00:31:17] So kudos to you. That had to have been hard. Thank you. Yeah, it was hard, but good life lesson. I've been able to do so much good with it since. And my life, like the trajectory of my life completely changed because of this for what I think my purpose in this world was. And I'm so grateful to this day for that experience because it is what has allowed me to make a difference.

[00:31:44] It is what has allowed me to be able to help other people. You know, I've had people in sessions come up to me and say, your session was the reason that I decided to go help so-and-so in my life because I realized I was not being a proper supportive person and I was actually really tarnishing our relationship. And it's because of your session. I saw mental illness in a different way and I went and helped this individual. And now our relationship is rebuilt again.

[00:32:13] And, or I've had people message me and say, it's because of your book. I decided to admit to my husband and my family that I'm going through something right now. And I went to get help. And that is the most overjoying thing in the world for me. It's just to know that my going through such a horrific experience was not in vain. Yeah. And yeah, I just think it's so important to talk about this stuff and to talk about it openly. I don't like sugar-coated versions of things. I'm a very blunt, upfront kind of person.

[00:32:43] And I'm like, please, like part of my language, don't bullshit people. Don't give them the coded version. Tell them the nitty gritty, awful parts. Yes, sometimes it's scary, but you know what? It helps. And I always tell everybody that there isn't a single individual in this world who will ever be able to make me feel ashamed or guilty or feel bad for why I went through the experience

[00:33:11] I did, for why I almost took my own child's life, for why I didn't brush my teeth and have good hygiene or any of the things that went through because I didn't choose any of that, but I did choose to do something about it and get help and get better. And so no one can ever make me feel guilt or shame for this experience. And I think if we can help build other people to have that same confidence about themselves

[00:33:38] and their own experience, that no matter what, don't let anybody make you feel ashamed for the fact that you're going through a mental illness or you have a lifelong mental illness or whatever your diagnosis may be, you will do much better in life the second you stop letting other people have that control over you. Yeah, thank you. I love how you've turned your pain into passion or into purpose.

[00:34:04] Pretty much kind of what I did with the podcast and just my own journey is I took that really deep pain and turned it into something beautiful. Do I regret that it happened? No, because I wouldn't be where I am today without that and those life lessons. And I'm so thankful for you. I'm so thankful that you're sharing this journey and helping so many people out there. And man, you're amazing. You're so amazing. So are you.

[00:34:33] I'm so honestly, every time I get to speak with individuals like yourself, where you're just doing something in this space and helping others and helping to share the awareness, I'm so overjoyed and grateful. And like I said at the beginning, it's a pleasure and an honor to be able to be here and speak with both of you because you are having an impact on so many lives.

[00:34:56] Even if every podcast session you do, even if it touches one person, what that person does is they take that knowledge and learning and then they share it with somebody in their circle who then one day shares it. And think of how many lives you're saving by allowing people all over the place in this interconnected web of humanity to share this knowledge. And, you know, you're helping somebody somewhere in this world.

[00:35:26] Yeah, we all are. Look at us. Look at us, ladies. I have a question. Yeah. My question for you, if you could go back in time to younger version of yourself and give yourself advice, what would you say and how old are you when you go back? Oh, good call. Okay. What would I say? I think my youngest self where I really could have been aware enough and had enough awareness

[00:35:56] to know to think differently would have been probably by the time I was 16, 17. And I would have told myself that you are strong. Judgment from other people in whatever aspect of life it is cannot destroy you unless you give them that permission to do so.

[00:36:25] So people will judge you. People won't like you. Everybody will have an opinion. None of that becomes true unless you give them the right to make it true. So don't worry about what anybody else thinks. Worry about what you know is morally a good, you know, conduct and behavior and all of that.

[00:36:48] But at the end of the day, do things in life that will allow you to have happiness and will allow you to not have to sacrifice who you are as a human being to appease anybody else. Love that. I love that. What would you say has been the hardest lesson that you've had to learn so far in life?

[00:37:12] Oh, the hardest lesson I've learned in life is that sometimes the people closest to you are the least supportive and most hurtful. And I am a huge empath. I am a very relationship-based, loyal to the core kind of person. And sometimes like it's been hurtful, like even in my postpartum journey, some of the people that were the closest to me were the ones that

[00:37:39] caused the most pain in my journey for me. And what I learned from it was while I was so busy, and I don't say don't be upset, you know, I, you know, one of my closest people that I kind of considered like a sister to me was like not there for me when I was sick. And I was friends with this person for more than 15 years at the time. And it was hard. It was hard.

[00:38:03] But then after I got better and I reflected, I said, while I was so focused on the hurt from that relationship ending and almost like that grief, I was not opening my eyes up to the unexpected people that showed up in my life who did help, who did support, who then became that source of love and relationship and bond for me.

[00:38:27] So my biggest advice to people would be, yes, it's fair to grieve the loss of somebody whom you really care about in life who's not showing up for you or who's disappointing you. Take a little bit of time to grieve that loss of relationship. That's fine. But don't sit and stew in it. Instead, open your eyes to the unexpected people that are showing up that you may have not expected and the beautiful relationships that you can build with them.

[00:38:54] And whether it's family, friendship, a partner, whatever it might be, open your eyes up to the people that are there that you may not be seeing because you're so focused on that one, two, whatever negative thing. And that was a really good lesson, I think. Thank you for sharing that. I love that. So now I have a couple of questions for you. Absolutely. If your anxiety had a theme song, what would it be and why?

[00:39:23] I'm just going to say I'm bringing sexy back because I don't know why that song. She likes to keep coming back. Different times of life. And whatever. Come back. Be there. Be sexy. Be wild. Be there. Whatever. I know how to deal with you now. I know how to feel like my sexy self with you there. And you're not stopping me. So I'm back.

[00:39:52] She's back all the time and it's fine. I love that one so much. So now what do you do today for like self-love and self-care? Because yes, they are the big buzzwords right now. But if you're not doing it, you're not taking care of yourself. For sure. Multiple things. So number one, I sit in a place of gratitude a lot.

[00:40:16] So I've tried to get to a place where I don't want to let things that go sideways get to me as much as they used to. Because it's just, you know, it's actually funny. My best friend and I don't know if I can show it on the screen properly here. I can't. I'm like, my hand's in an awkward hand. I'm sorry. I can't work this camera thing properly. There we go. Yep. You can't see it. Anyway, I got a tattoo just this year with my best friend. Because life always throws so much stuff our way all the time.

[00:40:44] And it kind of became a funny joke of, well, add it to the list of, you know, shit that goes wrong. So this too shall pass. This too shall pass. And so for her 40th birthday, I said, you know, I think it would be really cool if we got these matching tattoos that say this too shall pass. Because it seems to be the theme of our life. And she said, I love the idea. And I added it when we did the design for it. I added some heartbeats at the end of it. Heartbeats. And it's on my hand for a reason. So I could always see it every day.

[00:41:12] And it's a reminder that no matter what adversity and hardship and difficulty we go through in life, so long as our heart keeps on beating, we continue to live. We continue to be alive. We continue to move forward. Life goes on. And we will be okay. And I think that's what I try to live by now is that things will be okay. Life will be fine. Yes, difficulty will come. You kind of handle it as you have to.

[00:41:38] You, I've dealt with so much, you know, hardship in life, up and down. Anxiety comes back. Anxiety goes. But I'm kind of at the point where I just feel like, I don't know, it's just, I don't let it have a hold on me the way it used to anymore. And I no longer let myself sit and stew on things the way I did and ruminate on things.

[00:42:03] And just living in a place of gratitude of, you know what, if I'm anxious right now, it's because my body's telling me you need to slow down. You need to take a day to rest. You need to relax. I mean, I do things like yoga. I started going back into exercising, yoga, stuff like that, which has really been good for my mental health. Eating healthy, kind of cutting down some of my caffeine and things like that. So the general things that we know in terms of healthy lifestyle, that's really helpful. But also making time for myself for things that I enjoy.

[00:42:32] Making time to socialize. I think social connections are so important in helping our mental health. And I always tell people, don't seclude yourself if you're going through a mental illness. I know you don't feel like going out. You don't feel like socializing. But that's one of the worst things you can do for yourself is seclusion. And so continue to foster that time to see friends or family or do something that you enjoy. And yeah, those are the things I think the biggest thing would be just living gratitude and enjoy every day.

[00:42:59] Because we don't know how long we each have on this earth and just try to make the best of every day that you can. Yeah, I love that. Thank you. I love this so much. So where can our listeners find you? Yeah, so I'm online. My website, it's yeldakazemi.com. So I have some of my information there. My book is called Unapologetic Truths. The reality is a postpartum we don't talk about. It's on Amazon. I think in the U.S., Barnes & Noble might have it as well. Apple Books, Kindle, all of that.

[00:43:28] And yeah, on Instagram, it's funny. Instagram is kind of my like fashion outlet. So that's where Instagram posts about fashion and stuff. So it's not, it's a lot of my work with mental health is off my website and LinkedIn and things like that. And yeah, I'm always happy to connect with people and have conversations about this topic that I love so much. Yeah. Thank you. I appreciate you sharing. This has been great. Yeah. Thank you so much. Hi, all. Thank you so much for listening to this episode. I'm G-Rex.

[00:43:57] And I'm Dirty Skittles. Don't forget to subscribe, rate and review this podcast. We'd love to listen to your feedback. We can't do this without you guys. It's okay to be not okay. Just make sure you're talking to someone.