Gut Feelings and Self-Love: Krista’s Mental Health Awakening, Part 2

[00:00:06] Hey there, listeners. Welcome to Shit That Goes Under Our Heads, the podcast where we normalize conversations around mental health.

[00:00:13] That's right. I'm Dirty Skittles and alongside my amazing co-host, G-Rex, we are here to share stories and tips from our incredible guests.

[00:00:21] Each episode, we deep dive into struggles and triumphs of mental health, offering practical advice and heartfelt support.

[00:00:28] Because no one should feel alone in their journey. Join us as we break the stigma and build a community of understanding and compassion.

[00:00:35] So tune in and let's start talking about the shit that goes on in our heads.

[00:00:43] Right. So here is now the third party that has hit me like a Mack truck.

[00:00:49] No, I sure didn't. Oh my gosh, let me go find a quiet place to have this conversation, right?

[00:00:55] So she can't tell me much in that moment just because it was an active investigation.

[00:01:02] But the long and short of it is just now to cut to the chase.

[00:01:07] He solicited a minor. He solicited, he solicited a 12 year old.

[00:01:14] He sent dick pics to a 12 year old and asked for them in return.

[00:01:19] Unbeknownst to him, it was a sting. I mean, it was the police the whole time.

[00:01:23] But I'm also of the belief that you generally don't get caught the first time.

[00:01:27] So how many times had something like this transpired?

[00:01:31] So he ended up, he ended up ultimately pleading guilty to his crimes, went to jail for two years.

[00:01:40] And before, you know, rewind just a little bit during that process.

[00:01:45] I mean, for him going to before he took the plea deal, you know, so he was charged.

[00:01:51] It was about a year or so before he actually pled guilty to the crimes.

[00:01:55] And so over that period of time, I filed for divorce.

[00:02:00] Leading up to the divorce, I became my own little private eye.

[00:02:04] Right, right.

[00:02:05] Because I'm trying to put together more puzzle pieces, you know, me pumping at work, you know, pumping at work, nursing my daughter, trying to keep my professional things, you know, all up in the air, keeping this little tiny human alive.

[00:02:19] I was also looking through phone records and bank records and all of this stuff.

[00:02:24] He had frittered away money that just, and again, now I know where some of these things went.

[00:02:32] But over the course of our almost nine year marriage, I ultimately pieced together that he carried on over 20 affairs.

[00:02:41] He, especially when I started that job in the music industry, I didn't have to travel a lot.

[00:02:46] It was maybe quarterly, but what I learned is when I would be traveling, he would also take that opportunity to take a little road trip and go to a college town and meet other people.

[00:02:59] And ultimately these girls just kept getting younger.

[00:03:04] And yeah, he, so he ultimately pled guilty to the charges, spent two years in jail.

[00:03:10] I got divorced over that time period and did jump into the dating world.

[00:03:17] I'm now fast forward to today.

[00:03:19] I am very happily remarried.

[00:03:22] My, my husband now, he, um, we are, neither of us are each other's firsts.

[00:03:28] We've both been through divorces and have found each other through our traumatic experiences.

[00:03:33] But he, you know, you don't know what you're missing out on a lot of times until you go through some crap like that.

[00:03:42] And I just had no idea the happiness that could be on the other side of things.

[00:03:48] And, you know, today I have that house.

[00:03:51] I've always wanted just a few months ago.

[00:03:53] My husband actually adopted my daughter.

[00:03:56] So we're all just a happy little family unit now, but it took some time to get here and it was very difficult.

[00:04:04] But I do it all again.

[00:04:05] Can I ask, did you like now in retrospect, looking back on it, what would you say you learned about yourself through that process?

[00:04:16] I learned that I can do hard things.

[00:04:21] I learned that people who say that everything's fine are often lying.

[00:04:32] You know, we've all been through, we've all been through stuff.

[00:04:36] And I think I've become a huge fan of Renee Brown in that vulnerability breeds vulnerability.

[00:04:47] And we've all experienced shame.

[00:04:50] We've all, shame is tough.

[00:04:55] And once again, shame, just in the darkness, it kind of just gets worse.

[00:05:01] And it says really ugly things to you.

[00:05:05] And I've just learned the importance of speaking feelings.

[00:05:10] I've certainly seen the value of therapy, both for myself and with a partner.

[00:05:17] When my ex-husband and I would go to therapy.

[00:05:21] So we did end up doing therapy.

[00:05:23] After that, detective contacted me.

[00:05:26] I somehow didn't just immediately throw in the towel.

[00:05:30] Once again, this person who's very loyal and believes in sticking things out.

[00:05:35] We did do therapy for a couple of months.

[00:05:37] But I could only sit on that couch for so long.

[00:05:40] I would sit there and cry and talk and ask questions and speak my mind.

[00:05:47] And he would respond very stoic, emotionless, two and three word responses, just not really getting anywhere.

[00:05:58] And it was very shortly after that, I realized, okay, I mean, there's still more to this story.

[00:06:04] I found so many disturbing puzzle pieces that I know there's more.

[00:06:11] But you get to a point where you're like, I don't need to look anymore.

[00:06:13] I see what a mess this is.

[00:06:16] And I'm moving on.

[00:06:17] And it really spoke a lot to me when my...

[00:06:22] So we're married now.

[00:06:23] But shortly after we'd started dating and things progressed and we're getting more serious,

[00:06:29] he actually suggested we do couples therapy.

[00:06:34] As we started moving towards like, okay, I think we might want to jump into this life thing together.

[00:06:40] He suggested couples therapy.

[00:06:41] He paid for it.

[00:06:43] And I was like, man of my dreams right here, open to talking about feelings and checking in on me

[00:06:50] and like suggesting therapy for us.

[00:06:53] Okay, that's great.

[00:06:56] You're like, I'll take it.

[00:06:58] Yes.

[00:06:59] So as you're going through all of this, I mean, was your family supportive?

[00:07:03] Or did you have a support system around you that helped you kind of deal with all the crap that was going on?

[00:07:10] I did.

[00:07:11] I'm very fortunate that my...

[00:07:13] I'm an only child.

[00:07:14] And my parents moved here.

[00:07:16] They moved to the Middle Tennessee area a couple of years after I had gotten married that first time.

[00:07:22] Being an only child, they were expecting like, okay, at some point there's going to be a grand kid or two or however many.

[00:07:28] And so they didn't want to miss out on that.

[00:07:30] And I'm very fortunate that they were here because, I mean, the day I got that phone call from the detective, I immediately hung up, called my parents and said, I need you to meet me.

[00:07:43] They actually ended up meeting me halfway.

[00:07:44] I was in such a state of distress.

[00:07:46] I couldn't drive.

[00:07:47] So a co-worker drove me to meet my parents.

[00:07:51] And my parents drove me to our home.

[00:07:55] And I packed a bag.

[00:07:57] And I never went back.

[00:07:58] That night, we moved in with my parents.

[00:08:01] And that's where we stayed until I found my new Mr. Right.

[00:08:08] But yeah, I don't know what I would have done without my parents because this all too happened leading up to the pandemic.

[00:08:14] So he pled guilty to his crimes and went to jail March of 2020.

[00:08:20] And so we had moved out of the home we were living in.

[00:08:25] Our daughter and I moved in with my parents.

[00:08:27] And so we stayed there for several years.

[00:08:31] And they were just, I'm so indebted to them for helping me keep my sanity, my mom just making so many yummy home-cooked meals for us.

[00:08:41] And watching my daughter when I needed to just get out of the house and go take a walk.

[00:08:46] Yes, they were very supportive.

[00:08:48] And I don't take that for granted.

[00:08:51] That's such a blessing.

[00:08:52] And I know that's not something everybody has when they go through difficult circumstances.

[00:08:57] So I feel very fortunate.

[00:08:59] Yeah.

[00:09:00] How many years has it been since you've been away from that situation?

[00:09:03] That all.

[00:09:04] So we had moved in with my parents in, it was 20, beginning of 2019 is when we moved in with my parents.

[00:09:14] And then we moved out in 2021.

[00:09:21] Yeah, 2021.

[00:09:23] I had met my new Mr. Right.

[00:09:26] And yeah, we got a house still on the outskirts of Nashville in a different area from my parents.

[00:09:32] But then once we moved here shortly after, they also followed.

[00:09:36] So now they're 10 minutes away, which is nice.

[00:09:38] Really nice.

[00:09:40] Do you have any fears of explaining this to your daughter one day?

[00:09:46] Or I guess you don't need to explain it, but answering any of them.

[00:09:50] I do.

[00:09:51] I do have some fears around it.

[00:09:54] I'm, that's something that I really think about a lot because I have such a close relationship

[00:10:02] with my parents.

[00:10:03] My parents have never been divorced.

[00:10:06] You know, they've been through their ups and downs.

[00:10:07] And at one point during my childhood, they were briefly separated, but they reconciled and got

[00:10:14] back together.

[00:10:14] You know, we've been together ever since.

[00:10:16] But I, you know, I'm very tight with both of my parents.

[00:10:21] We have an honest relationship and we lean on each other a lot.

[00:10:25] And, you know, thankfully we have that now, like our family unit looks a lot like what

[00:10:33] I grew up with.

[00:10:35] Just the situation is that my daughter's father, her biological father, I mean, part of the agreement

[00:10:44] for allowing my now husband to adopt her, part of the agreement was that we would be expected

[00:10:51] to maintain some visitation.

[00:10:53] So I supervise visits, short visits, you know, periodically, but, and she looks forward to

[00:11:03] those, you know, and she knows some age appropriate information.

[00:11:06] She knows that he had to go away and get some help because he did something that he shouldn't

[00:11:12] have done.

[00:11:13] He violated some boundaries, but that is something, you know, at some point she is going to be

[00:11:19] a developing 12 year old.

[00:11:21] And I do have fears around those conversations.

[00:11:26] It's something that I am seeking therapy on.

[00:11:31] And that while I don't necessarily need it now, because again, she's a sweet spirited,

[00:11:36] inquisitive little six year old who doesn't know.

[00:11:39] I mean, she knows body parts, but she doesn't know the science, you know, behind the body

[00:11:45] parts and all of that, but that's going to come.

[00:11:48] And so as we get closer to that time, I do intend to seek further therapeutic guidance

[00:11:57] to just make sure that we're having the right conversations.

[00:12:02] Yeah.

[00:12:12] I like that.

[00:12:13] And do you have any suggestions for the listeners of maybe somebody that's going through something

[00:12:19] similar?

[00:12:21] Like things, I don't know, things to look for or things that they can do to take care of

[00:12:25] themselves or any lessons?

[00:12:28] Yes.

[00:12:29] Things they can look for.

[00:12:31] So in my story, as you may remember, I mean, there were multiple gut feelings I mentioned

[00:12:40] and there's others.

[00:12:41] I mean, y'all, there's so many nuances and details to this story.

[00:12:44] It's like, we don't have all day.

[00:12:47] I could tell you so many other scenarios where it's like, that's not right.

[00:12:52] Something is not right.

[00:12:53] So I had all of these, something's not right feelings in my gut.

[00:12:57] I had multiple third parties.

[00:12:59] I wasn't seeking any of these people out.

[00:13:02] They all found me.

[00:13:03] So if things like that are happening to you, or you are just having these gut inclinations

[00:13:11] that like, I don't know what it is, but I'm feeling like something needs to be explored

[00:13:17] further.

[00:13:17] Have those open conversations with your partner.

[00:13:21] I did mention that he let me look at his phone, you know, once or twice, but that's not

[00:13:27] the same as having full, complete transparency.

[00:13:32] My husband and I now, we both know passwords to each other's phones.

[00:13:37] We both know, we know all the passwords to like various accounts, emails, whatever.

[00:13:44] We both at any time, hey, you want to look through my phone?

[00:13:48] Here it is.

[00:13:49] Look through everything.

[00:13:50] Or, hey, I changed that password.

[00:13:52] This is what it is now.

[00:13:53] Note it, you know, so that you can look through further, you know, whatever.

[00:13:57] We share each other's location, you know, on the find my whatever.

[00:14:01] So wherever he is, wherever I am, we're very transparent about all of those things.

[00:14:10] And any, there shouldn't, there just shouldn't be secrecy.

[00:14:14] There shouldn't be.

[00:14:15] I mean, okay, if you're trying to do something special, plan a surprise party or get them a

[00:14:20] gift, like that's one thing, but if it's brick wall secrets upon secrets, this, where you're

[00:14:28] constantly being blocked off, you know, shielding the phone or like, why are you in there?

[00:14:34] Or, oh, that charge, it was just this, but you're noticing multiple charges to the bank

[00:14:41] account that like just aren't adding up.

[00:14:44] It's important to just call those things out and have conversations with them on the side of just

[00:14:52] personally filling your cup.

[00:14:55] This is another thing.

[00:14:57] I think I was always, I was looking that damsel in distress looking to be saved, right?

[00:15:04] I think that's how previously I had kind of envisioned things.

[00:15:07] Oh, here's my knight in shining armor, like I said, coming to save me.

[00:15:11] And how I've reframed that now in this new, going into this start before I've started this

[00:15:17] new chapter that I'm in now was I don't need saving.

[00:15:20] I'm writing my own story here.

[00:15:23] I mean, I am a believer.

[00:15:25] I am a Christian.

[00:15:25] I am saved in that respect.

[00:15:28] But as far as like, oh, looking for another human to come rescue me and buy the house and

[00:15:38] make me happy and on da da da.

[00:15:41] I'm not looking for that.

[00:15:42] I stopped looking for that because nobody's perfect.

[00:15:45] People are human.

[00:15:46] And at the end of the day, you have to create your own happiness.

[00:15:50] However, that looks like for you.

[00:15:53] And that was something I told my husband right when we started dating.

[00:15:56] And it was something I feel like he really appreciated.

[00:15:59] And we both kind of took this as a mantra together was, I know I'm not looking to you for happiness,

[00:16:07] but I want to be a part of your happiness.

[00:16:10] I'm going to focus on making myself happy.

[00:16:12] And at the end of the day, like I want to be a part of making him happy.

[00:16:17] I want to do things that make him smile.

[00:16:21] And on the flip side, I would hope and I feel that from him, like he wants that too.

[00:16:27] But I'm not looking to him to make me happy.

[00:16:31] Happiness is an inside job.

[00:16:34] Yeah, that's huge.

[00:16:36] That's huge.

[00:16:37] It is.

[00:16:38] Yes.

[00:16:39] And so like today, what are a couple of things you do for self-love and self-care?

[00:16:48] For sure.

[00:16:50] I love being active.

[00:16:53] Now, I'm not about to go out and do an Ironman or do what those, what are those races called

[00:17:00] where it's, oh my gosh, all of the, it's almost like an obstacle course, which I admire and

[00:17:04] appreciate people who do that.

[00:17:05] Right.

[00:17:05] But I've certainly gotten active over the last couple of years during the pandemic.

[00:17:11] I think we were all like in our homes, right?

[00:17:14] Not getting out and being active in the community because we were encouraged, like stay home,

[00:17:19] stay inside.

[00:17:20] But I realized, well, I can't just sit down all day or sit at my desk all day and do my

[00:17:25] work.

[00:17:26] I've got to get out.

[00:17:27] So just getting out and enjoying fresh air, whether it's walking a mile or two, you know,

[00:17:33] we all have to start somewhere.

[00:17:35] So for me, my wellness, like self-care journey from a activity and like health wellness perspective

[00:17:43] really started with like, okay, I'm going to try to walk 5,000 steps a day.

[00:17:49] Cause that was kind of a stretch for me.

[00:17:51] I'd gotten my fitness tracker at that point.

[00:17:53] Like, okay, let's see how many steps I can get in between meetings.

[00:17:57] And now that's something that's carried me on into, I just completed my first marathon

[00:18:03] a couple of weeks ago, which is huge.

[00:18:06] Thank you.

[00:18:07] But I really enjoy the feeling that I get from jogging or running.

[00:18:13] I'm not trying to win an age group or anything like that.

[00:18:18] I'm always just trying to like cross the finish line.

[00:18:20] If I cross the finish line and earn my cute, fun medal, then, you know, that's worth it

[00:18:25] to me.

[00:18:25] But that's one of my self-care practices is just moving in a way that feels good to me.

[00:18:33] That helps get me a little sweaty, get my heart rate up.

[00:18:37] I love cooking.

[00:18:38] I enjoy making healthy and unhealthy meals, like comfort food.

[00:18:45] I enjoy it all.

[00:18:46] I'm all about the crock pot and a good casserole right now.

[00:18:49] So, and baking, I love baking cookies and just taking time.

[00:18:56] I think it's so easy to get bogged down in the details and the day-to-day and the, but

[00:19:05] this is going wrong and that's going wrong.

[00:19:07] And oh my gosh, can you believe that happened?

[00:19:10] And there's so many things you can't control, but what you can control is what you're doing

[00:19:16] and what is going on in your mind.

[00:19:18] And so I really, I try to laugh.

[00:19:22] I know we've talked back and forth on Instagram a little bit about just laughter.

[00:19:26] And that was even something too, during the pandemic, I watched a lot of standup comedy.

[00:19:31] And I think there's just, there's such beauty in laughing.

[00:19:36] Laughter really can be the best medicine.

[00:19:39] And also just getting in community with like-minded people, finding that tribe.

[00:19:48] So whether it's other podcasters or other moms, and I still have a lot of music industry

[00:19:54] connections because I'm always, I'm a huge music fan and, and history.

[00:20:00] I deeply appreciate history and architecture, old buildings, you know, those types of things.

[00:20:05] So I try to get out and do fun touristy things like that, both here in the community.

[00:20:10] I like taking little day trips here or there, just exploring parks and old homes and things

[00:20:16] like that.

[00:20:17] That's awesome.

[00:20:18] I love that.

[00:20:19] Yeah.

[00:20:20] You should come to upstate New York if you're into history.

[00:20:22] So like our house is built in 1865 and it's part of, it's part of the, it was part of

[00:20:29] the underground railroad.

[00:20:30] So.

[00:20:31] Okay.

[00:20:32] That is so cool.

[00:20:33] Please sidebar with me and send me, I want photos.

[00:20:38] I want info on the house.

[00:20:39] No, for real.

[00:20:40] I have this on my notes list on my iPhone.

[00:20:45] I have this running list of like all these places I want to go and visit.

[00:20:47] And I want to come up to upstate New York.

[00:20:51] Is it heart Island?

[00:20:55] Bolt Castle?

[00:20:56] Does any of that ring a bell?

[00:20:58] Yeah.

[00:20:58] The Thousand Islands.

[00:21:00] Yeah.

[00:21:00] Thousand Islands, Alexandria Bay.

[00:21:02] It's so cool here.

[00:21:04] Like it's like, if you're into history, when we moved here in 2020, like I didn't realize

[00:21:10] how much history was here for one.

[00:21:12] And number two, I didn't realize that they made such amazing wines.

[00:21:15] I thought it was all sweet wines.

[00:21:17] It is some, there are some really nice dry wines, nor did I realize that they are the

[00:21:23] second producer of apples in the country.

[00:21:26] I had no idea.

[00:21:27] Yeah.

[00:21:29] Interesting.

[00:21:30] Okay.

[00:21:30] Well, yes, we must sidebar.

[00:21:32] I am such a history geek.

[00:21:35] I eat it up.

[00:21:35] I love taking tours of old homes and like Christmas candlelight tours and the haunted tours, you

[00:21:43] know, around Halloween and in the springtime, like all of the rose gardens blooming and, you

[00:21:49] know, all, all of that fun stuff.

[00:21:51] I, I have such an appreciation for it.

[00:21:55] And in fact, I mean, that was one of my career stops.

[00:21:57] I had worked for a nonprofit that focuses on historical preservation here in the area.

[00:22:04] And that was so much fun.

[00:22:05] Wow.

[00:22:06] That's really cool.

[00:22:07] It is so awesome.

[00:22:09] So Doris, do you have any of your crazy questions?

[00:22:12] Sure.

[00:22:12] If you could go back in time to a younger version of yourself to give yourself some advice,

[00:22:18] what would you say?

[00:22:20] And how old are you when you go back?

[00:22:23] That's a good one.

[00:22:27] I would tell her, well, I think I would be go back to my like 12, 13 year old self because

[00:22:38] she had braces and really oily skin and, you know, all the breakouts and all of that fun

[00:22:45] stuff during puberty and all of that.

[00:22:47] I also had hair that I didn't quite know how to handle.

[00:22:51] That's when it started getting wavy curly and it's a very straight haired world, or at least

[00:22:57] it used to be lots of textured hair.

[00:23:00] Things have come into being since then, but I was fighting my hair, trying to straighten

[00:23:05] it and just not happy.

[00:23:07] I wanted something other than what I was right.

[00:23:11] I wanted to look something other than who I was.

[00:23:14] And so I would go back to that person and say, this is who you are.

[00:23:18] This is who you're meant to be.

[00:23:20] You are going to love your hair one day and other people are going to wish they had that

[00:23:26] hair one day too.

[00:23:28] People are going to compliment it.

[00:23:30] So stop fighting it.

[00:23:32] And I would tell her to love yourself.

[00:23:36] And I would tell her to love on others because a lot of people hurt people because they are

[00:23:45] hurt themselves.

[00:23:47] And so focus on just being kind and think big.

[00:23:53] Don't think small.

[00:23:55] You have nothing to risk by thinking big and everything to gain.

[00:24:01] And that's even something I'm telling my year old self as we go into 2025 is think big because

[00:24:12] it doesn't serve anybody to think small.

[00:24:15] Right, right.

[00:24:16] What would you say the hardest lesson you've had to learn to date is?

[00:24:23] Hardest lesson I've had to learn to date.

[00:24:30] This is a tough one.

[00:24:32] I feel like I've learned so many lessons.

[00:24:34] Sorry.

[00:24:34] Give me just a beat on this.

[00:24:41] That things don't have to be perfect to work.

[00:24:49] That it's okay to, you know, we should, I feel like I'm very much a perfectionist, but

[00:24:59] I feel like a lesson that is constantly surfacing in my life.

[00:25:04] So I don't know if this is the hardest thing I've learned to date.

[00:25:07] But the good is just as good as perfect.

[00:25:13] Stop waiting for things to be perfect.

[00:25:16] Embrace the good and move on.

[00:25:21] I love that.

[00:25:22] Love that.

[00:25:22] Yeah.

[00:25:23] That is really good.

[00:25:25] This was such a great conversation.

[00:25:27] Thank you so, so much for coming on.

[00:25:30] Thank you for sharing your story and being vulnerable with us.

[00:25:33] It's been amazing to hear just your growth.

[00:25:36] So I appreciate you.

[00:25:37] Thank you.

[00:25:38] Thank you for having me and for giving me this opportunity to share.

[00:25:41] I, if it can inspire one person to do what's right for them, we all have different circumstances

[00:25:49] and different stories.

[00:25:51] At the end of the day, everyone deserves to be happy.

[00:25:55] And again, focusing on your happiness, their own, not somebody else's, you know, doing what's

[00:26:03] best for you in whatever that circumstance is.

[00:26:06] And so if I can empower one person to whether that's therapy or starting painting or watching

[00:26:13] a standup comedy or get out and go walk for 20 minutes, then it was worth it to open up

[00:26:20] and be vulnerable.

[00:26:21] So I appreciate this opportunity.

[00:26:23] Thank you.

[00:26:23] Is there anywhere our listeners can find you?

[00:26:27] Yes.

[00:26:27] I have a podcast called Secret Mom Hacks where every Wednesday I roll out a new episode.

[00:26:36] Sometimes they're solo episodes.

[00:26:38] Sometimes they're interview episodes.

[00:26:39] And we talk about important things for first time moms to know things.

[00:26:45] People often don't tell you about becoming a mom.

[00:26:49] And sometimes that's a good thing.

[00:26:50] Sometimes you've got to learn on the fly, but we're all about being real and sharing resources

[00:26:55] and knowing that at the end of the day, we're just all doing the best we can.

[00:27:00] And it's all about empowering parents to be resilient and, and be there for the little tiny

[00:27:09] humans looking up to us.

[00:27:11] Thank you so much.

[00:27:12] I love this.

[00:27:13] Love.

[00:27:13] Hi, all.

[00:27:14] Thank you so much for listening to this episode.

[00:27:16] I'm G-Rex.

[00:27:17] And I'm Dirty Skittles.

[00:27:19] Don't forget to subscribe, rate, and review this podcast.

[00:27:22] We'd love to listen to your feedback.

[00:27:24] We can't do this without you guys.

[00:27:27] It's okay to be not okay.

[00:27:30] Just make sure you're talking to someone.

[00:28:47] Happy holidays.

[00:28:48] Want to give your host a gift?

[00:28:51] Consider subscribing, rating, and reviewing the show this holiday season.

[00:28:55] It really helps the show grow.

[00:28:57] From all of us at Believe, have a Merry Christmas, everyone, and a happy holiday.