Grounded and Growing: Amy’s Fight Against Anxiety and Self-Worth Struggles

[00:00:06] Hey there listeners, welcome to Shit That Goes On In Our Heads, the podcast where we normalize conversations around mental health. That's right. I'm Dirty Skittles and alongside my amazing co-host, G-Rex, we are here to share stories and tips from our incredible guests. Each episode we deep dive into struggles and triumphs of mental health, offering practical advice and heartfelt support. Because no one should feel alone in their journey. Join us as we break the stigma and build a community of understanding and compassion.

[00:00:35] Tune in and let's start talking about the shit that goes on in our heads. Three, two, one. Welcome back to another episode of Shit That Goes On In Our Heads. I'm here with my awesome co-host, Dirty Skittles. And today we have an incredible guest, Amy. Welcome Amy to our show. Welcome. Thank you. For those that can't see, she did a hand movement that said,

[00:01:04] I can't even explain that. So I just did it as well. It was like a little showgirl hand in front of me kind of thing. A showgirl. Yeah. It was like an auto white. Oh, you know, always a way to lighten up the mood. It's all good. Upper curtsy. Yes. Oh, I like the upper curtsy. Yes. That is the perfect way to describe it. I remember having to do that as a child. Curtsies?

[00:01:33] Yeah. And then I got older and I'm like, fuck this shit. Not happening anymore. Wait, why did you have to do that as a child? I used to play the piano and I would do piano recitals and you, I'd have to be up in front of the crowd and do like a curtsy. No way. Like gym class or whatever, when you're in elementary school that you would do like the weird dance things. And I don't know. Yeah. Yeah. You have to get up and curtsy. Oh, like dance recitals, not where you're.

[00:02:02] No, it was like gym class. It was like gym class. Oh, okay. We had a square dancing. Yeah. Okay. It's a square dance. It's a curtsy, right? I tell people that they're like, you did what in gym? Right. Did not everybody have to square dance? For real. For real. I mean, I don't know if it's still a thing, but definitely when we were younger. Yeah. You know, I'm a hundred thousand years older than all of you.

[00:02:28] So yeah, we would have to do square dancing and we'd have to curtsy. And yeah, whole reason I don't wear dresses now. There's not the reason. Yeah. Okay. That might be weird. I'm not curtsy. Right? Yeah. I don't think I've ever curtsied in my life. Can you go upstairs? I'm actually at the point where I'm going to have to start wearing dresses because pants don't really fit anymore. Okay. But it's going to be summer here pretty soon. So it'll be okay. I just put plants outside.

[00:02:57] I'm like super happy. Oh, where are you located? I'm in Virginia. Okay. Very cool. Very cool. I'm ready to start my garden, but still too cold in Georgia. And upstate New York. Still too cold. For sure. Fucking ridiculous. I heard it was snowing in Vermont today already. Yeah. What the fuck? We've done already. We've done. It used to be like that all the time.

[00:03:26] And we've had several, I mean, I literally just moved from Maine in August. So I'm a Mainer and New England weather I'm very used to, but like it used to snow all the time when we were younger. And then the last like bunch of years, it was like you get one big snow storm and then it would rain and it's like ice, not even snow. And this year I, apparently it's just been a lot of snow. Oh, a lot of snow, a lot of rain, a lot of ice. So Miss Amy, tell us all about you.

[00:03:57] Okay. So we're talking mental health. So my, I'm going to call it like a disability ish, but I just, I've grown up with this inferiority complex. Like I just have super duper low esteem, low self-esteem when I was really young. I didn't care about anything, but I also, I don't remember a lot, but I just, I remember being in like high school and stuff.

[00:04:25] And I was just like, just let things blow off and whatever. Everything was cool. And then my dad, when I was 15, I think he compared me to my stepsister who was like perfect. She was beautiful. She was popular. She was athletic. She could sing. She was artistic. And he was just like, if you don't step it up, you're going to be just fat and stupid. And that was, tell me about it. I know. And it's, that's what I, of all the things that I've heard in my life, that's what I remember.

[00:04:54] I don't remember being a kid, but I remember that moment so well. And that is what I've based my life on. I did not go to college because I was not going to get in. I was not smart enough and I didn't even know about financial aid. So I didn't go to college. I just work regular old jobs and you know, I feel like I've done okay. But I've never really asserted myself into conversations. Like even with my closest friends, I have six friends from high school that I've been friends

[00:05:21] with for 35 plus years and we're all together. I'm just like a little mouse. Like I have nothing to contribute, but they're all doing these amazing things. Like I have a couple of friends who live in China and the Philippines and he lived in Africa. All my friends are these like big deal people. And I'm just like hanging out. Yeah. But you're a big deal person because I, you know, you have that amazing podcast, which I learned something from every time I look, I listen. Me too. Yeah.

[00:05:50] And that's got to take a lot. Right. I mean, I don't think it's easy for us, dude. I just know. Maybe my mental illness is being delusional because I'm like, nobody's listening. So that's why I find I think. Nobody's listening. Okay. A million. Delusional. So because it's a, it's really scary to do a podcast and to put your voice out there. So there's something in the, in you. It sure can be.

[00:06:15] I mean, I know when I, so when I was going to start the podcast, so my podcast is called Grounded in Maine, you guys. It's about sustainability. And it was initially going to be about homesteading because I'm super curious about homesteading. And a friend and I were going to do this together. It was going to be a YouTube channel. And we were going to talk to different homesteaders, like a different homesteader every week. And they would teach us a homesteading skill.

[00:06:41] And then we'd bring it home and try it out and then report back the next week. And I was like, this is so cool. But then she kind of dropped off and I'm like, ain't no way I am talking all by myself on camera. So, so it became a podcast. But even from that moment, it was two years to get the knowledge and the guts to do it. But, and then, you know, it's that first hitting record was, that was a doozy. And there were a few.

[00:07:09] We have an episode that never aired because it was just us being completely inappropriate. Yeah. But I mean, the cool thing about my podcast, it's an interview podcast. So I don't, I'm not coming at it from an angle of authority at all. So I'm just like, I want to highlight other people and learn from them. So it's easy for me to be curious and not be like, this is what you need to do. Because then I'm like, who am I? Same. Yeah. I can relate.

[00:07:39] I can totally relate. Because that is a hundred percent. I think why it's easy, well, easy for me to have conversations. Because I just want to know about people and what they've been through. Right. I mean, I can't even imagine someone doing a solo podcast on YouTube. Like I am just looking at my face and whenever I'm like doing an interview and I'm the first person on, I'm just like, thank you, Jesus, for showing up because I do not want to look at my big face the whole time.

[00:08:10] My face is just really big right there. But so, I mean, I just, I inferiority complex. That's just me. I did not do great in school. I really hated school after that whole thing. But I also, I was, I was, I'm a singer. I was a singer. I am a singer. I just don't do it in public. But I was singing choirs for 30 something years. And I would sing solos and stuff.

[00:08:36] And then I just, anxiety really settled in after I got married. And because the rehearsals were all at night and it was like Maine and it was snowy and the middle of the night and I'm exhausted and I was scared because I couldn't even see the road. And so I just, I just failed. So I stopped that, but I was really good. And so when I was in high school, all my friends were in plays, like they were in the drama club and whatever.

[00:09:05] And so I wanted to hang out with my friends. So, and I was like, I'm a singer. We're doing musicals. What, how hard that can that be? And I had a role. I think it was junior year. It was junior year. I had the role of Grandma Zidal in Fiddler on the Roof. Very like maybe two lines. And I forgot my lines. I like, I had total stage fright and I just started crying from there. Wow.

[00:09:33] Isn't that everybody is like the nightmare dream of I'm somewhere and I'm everybody's watch life. That's mine. I've been staring at me. Yeah, totally. Yeah. I lift it. But look, we're still here. Yeah. Somehow, somehow. Yeah. For sure. But I mean, I just, I really just lived my life like that. Like I never dated.

[00:09:57] I moved out to, I went, I moved to Utah to get a man to get my husband because I grew up as a Mormon also. And I, that did not happen. I was only there for a year. I ran out of money and I came back home and I was hanging out. I worked two jobs forever. And then I met my husband that is not my husband anymore. And that all was great. Yeah. You guys met.

[00:10:26] That was very weird. No, we met online. We met online. And I, even before, you know, I wanted to, oh gosh. So I just put all my crap out before we even met in person. We met online. We talked for a little bit and I was like, here's all my shit. If you still want to meet me, cool. I do not want to waste anyone's time. I am not in this for a game. And he was like, cool. But like, I, you know, my, my dad is now on his fifth marriage at that time.

[00:10:54] He had only been married and divorced more times. And so I was like, I have a lot of feelings, a lot of baggage. Right. I don't like my stepdad. And, you know, he was like, cool, let's do it. And so we did. And it was great. Why the laugh after?

[00:11:22] Because then he cheated and destroyed my life and just made it everything that I, every nightmare that I ever wanted. Yeah. That's because people suck. That's because people suck. I know. But it was like, you know, I already had that inner. Yeah. Shitty feeling about myself and just fed off of it. Pretty much. Yeah.

[00:11:50] But yeah, I mean, so I never wanted anything more than just to be settled. Like we moved around a lot with all marriages. So we moved around a lot and. I, you know, then I moved away and then I came back and I was working two jobs and I. Was just really busy and I was also pet sitting. So two jobs and pets. It was a little, it was a little bit, but you know, so I was like, we have a house. I'm never moving again. I'm going to die in this house. And then I had to move.

[00:12:20] Yeah. So complete. So complete. Turning of your life. Everything got flipped over. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. And you hear stories when people get divorced, like usually the woman will stay in the house and whatever. And that is not the case. It's not the case. It's even when they're cheating, even when they're false. Yeah. Just it's because it's money. It's just money. Money is evil. Money is evil. It's true.

[00:12:47] So when you're like, when you're going through all that stuff, right? Did you try and keep. How do I say this? Did you try and not have to have that negative self talk about yourself? Or like, how do you stop that conversation from happening? I mean, luckily, I had the podcast. And that was it just it was like air. It was like oxygen for me. That was what kept me. Up right. Yeah.

[00:13:16] And I, you know, thank goodness for the podcast. Like I've had I have this group of friends that are just so generous and so very cool. G Rex is one of them. But I just would I would. I would just reach out to people and let them know what's going on there. Like, is this it's just it's so stupid. It's so stupid and it's not your fault. And it was just like. I needed someone to say that not like it's a winning thing,

[00:13:45] but it wasn't because of me. Right. That makes sense. That ties into what you said your dad told you before. So I mean. Yeah. That all lines up for me in my head anyways, to have those feelings and need to hear that. Right. Yeah. But so I like I talked to right after it happened that he told me sort of some of it.

[00:14:14] He I talked to my boss and I called her and I was crying and I'm like, I have to move. I don't know when it's going to happen, but I'm gonna have to move. I might have to be leaving Maine. And she was like, whatever, you know, whatever you need. And so, you know, and just the more people I talked to, the more people were like, yeah, it totally it happened to me, too. Or I know someone and it happens so often. I'm just it just made me angry. Yeah, it made me so angry that it happens more often than we know about because people just don't talk about it because of the shame.

[00:14:43] That's involved in that. Yeah. Do you think are you still practicing as a Mormon? Are you still in that? Okay. No, I left the Mormon Church many years ago. I mean, we were together for 18 years. I left before that when my sister came out because my first instinct when that happened was like, I can't talk to you. And that I then, you know, that was my first thought. It was not what I said. But then I was like, what am I thinking?

[00:15:12] What is that about? I'm no. So that was it for me. Yeah. Yeah. Same with me. I'm a recovering Catholic. So. Same. You know what? Yeah. When I came out, that was for me like, I know. Right. Yeah. Now they're okay with it. But still, that's a hard no. For sure. I know. I'm like, why is it okay now? Yeah.

[00:15:40] So, hearing somebody tell you that it's not you or it's not your fault. Do you think, and maybe you're here now, but do you think there will be a time or a place that you'll believe that and not need to hear it from anybody else? I have no idea. I have no idea. I mean, I've done lots of therapies since then. And it's just really expensive. And nothing has worked so far.

[00:16:06] I did therapy through EAP, through work, because my boss was like, you need help. And, you know, so I got five free visits and it was not, it was just not helpful. And then I got five more and it was still not helpful. I didn't even finish the last five because it was so bad. And that was, you know, unfortunately you get what you pay for sometimes when things are free. Yeah. It's totally unfair.

[00:16:33] But, you know, I did acupuncture and I did, I have a trauma informed life coach. And I did the therapies and I did all kinds of stuff and I'm still there. I mean, I don't necessarily think that's wrong or different. Right. Like, I think, I think therapy can look different for people.

[00:16:59] It doesn't always have to be, you know, what you like the stereotype of sitting and talking to somebody and going through all this stuff. And that never worked for me. And I think that was part of why I started to say, just be date my therapist because I tried and sat with somebody for the whole fucking year. Okay. And this lady would just, she would just give me workbooks. I don't give a shit about it. I was like, yeah, I did it. It's great.

[00:17:29] And just for a whole year. And I thought it was me. You know, I thought, oh, I guess I'm just so bad that I can't. I'm so broken. Yeah. Right. They like, like there's, it's hard to explain because it's like when you have that feeling, you think you're literally the only person that's ever been that bad. Like they're, they've never seen somebody like this before. Right.

[00:17:50] So like it can't be fixed, but then trying again, years later and being set like, no, I'm going to find a way to help myself speed dated a bunch of people. And I immediately thought I knew exactly what to ask them this time where it was like, are, do you specialize in this? Can you help me with this? I don't want to talk about it. I just want to be better. I don't want to talk about it. And I found somebody and it was like night and day. Wow.

[00:18:18] And I wouldn't have, I think the only reason I pushed for it is because you get to a point where you're like, well, there's nothing else happening. I mean. Yeah. You get to that point. So I don't think because you haven't found something yet, but that's the end of the story. Right. I think this is such a real raw story that a lot of people are probably in that spot where you're still going through it and learning. Right. Yeah.

[00:18:58] Yeah. Right now it's just, it's finances. Like I just can't afford to keep throwing money and not getting any results. But yeah, I had one of the therapists, one of the EAP therapists was like, you know, you have this negative conversation going on in your head. Here are some positive things you can just practice saying. I was like, I just don't, that doesn't feel real to me. Yeah. I can say it, but there's no feeling with that.

[00:19:23] And, and that was when I ended up talking with my, my grief, my trauma informed their life coach, who is just like, you can't do that because then you're lying to yourself and then you hate yourself for lying to yourself. I was like, that is what she just put it to words. Like, I was like, that is what that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:19:44] I know for me, for like my therapy, I, excuse me, but like with dirty skittles, like she speed, she had to speed date her therapist. I had to speed date mine too. So finally by the third, fourth one, I found the one that did it for me, but I also incorporated other types of therapy. Yeah. So I've done some energy therapy. I do a lot of art therapy.

[00:20:09] I do a lot of art therapy and I write because sometimes I just don't fucking want to talk to people. And I know everybody's, you not want to talk to people. Yeah. There are some times I just don't want to talk to people and I'll just write those thoughts down. Right. Because now it's out of my head and on a piece of paper. And if I don't want to revisit it, I can rip it out of the notebook and throw it away. Will that thought come back again? Maybe at some point in time in my life, but right now it's not, it's out of my head. Yeah.

[00:20:37] And like, I'm, I'm the worst when it comes to negative self-talk. Like I talk shitty to myself every day, even, even though I know other people are not, I talk horrible to myself every day, but I also make myself a list of shit. Good shit. I did during the day. Right? Like I don't write down the bad shit unless I really need to get it out of my head. But I write down the things that like, Oh, this was a win today. Or, Hey, I finally did this.

[00:21:07] I know it's been on my to do list for 12 days, but look, I got it done. So those are some of the things I do. I'm the picture girl. I like to take pictures of things that make me happy. Cause I, I don't say, I mean, maybe I do have negative self-talk, but I think I'm more like, you could never do this. Why try? That's my, that's what I hear in my head. Don't be dumb. Like you're not capable of whatever, but I can't like what you were mentioning. I can't get to a point of celebrating wins yet.

[00:21:37] So instead I will take pictures of whatever makes me happy that day. If something made me feel better that I'm taking a picture of it because I can't, I don't have it in me yet. You know? Totally. Yeah. I mean, so one of the things that, that did come up, it was a good thing that happened with therapy was the EAP therapist said, you know, what is something really good that you did? And I would say, I don't remember what it was that I did, but I was like, I did this.

[00:22:05] And then I instantly shut that down, but it's not. Oh, so I have this jam business, but it's not making money. Or I have this podcast, but it's not making money. And she's, can you just celebrate it for a second? And I'm like, no, I really don't think I can. And it's because it's been ingrained in you your entire life. You know, I, when I opened up my own company, I had a little bit of inferiority complex.

[00:22:32] I also had a whole shit ton of imposter syndrome, but then I started taking myself out of the picture and seeing the good that I was bringing into the world. Other people. Yeah. Other people. And that, that helped me to realize that, okay, I am okay, but I still get those days. Like I've only been, had my own business now for a month and a half ish.

[00:22:58] And so I still have those days, but I can't imagine having to go through that my entire adult life. And like, I, I wish I had like more tips and tricks, but you know, I am so not clinical. I am anti-clinical as an effect, but I, I do things that make me feel better. And like, anytime that you and I have talked on the phone, you know, I always try to make sure I leave you with a smile or a laugh because that's my way of coping with stuff lately.

[00:23:29] Absolutely. Same. And I appreciate that always. I mean, I'm not like sad all the time. And when I, you know, when you do the doctor thing, it's not like, I'm don't feel like I would be better off dead or anything like that. I'm not mad, but it's just like taking on new things is really hard. I think I was telling G-Rex, like I am, I'm scared of AI. I know that it's helpful. I have not, I cannot like make my brain absorb it, understand how it works.

[00:23:59] But just stuff like that, like new things are hard for me now. It's just, my brain is not able to take it in. But I mean, and I know I'm making a difference with the podcast. I'm just not making money on it. So I'm still dependent on the job and not really making great money. And I'm still like scared every day that I'm going to have to foreclose on this house. It's just really scary. Yeah. Can't you sell your eggs? Cause like they're worth a million dollars right now.

[00:24:28] Oh my gosh, dude. Chicken eggs, you mean. Yeah, chicken eggs. One of my chickens was just killed this week and it was tragic. Cause I was literally, I had three eggs a day for three days. Man. So I'm going to start buying eggs again. But yeah, I only have three, three. I have four hens. Two of them are not like, they're just cute. They're in their fields. I have a question. Yes, ma'am. How do you measure success?

[00:24:58] And the things that you're into is it depends on the thing. I think for me, the podcast, I feel like it's a success because I know it's making a difference for some people. It's not really listened to a lot. So I feel like it would be like a real success if I'm not going to say a million downloads. If I knew that a lot of people were listening and if I had more interaction with people, that's a weird thing.

[00:25:28] I have a lot of followers on Instagram and I feel like people should be interacting more. But then like my jam business would have been a success if it was making money. Yeah. And in general, success is not really, doesn't really play in. Yeah. I asked because I think that was. I think that there is value in.

[00:25:56] There's probably greater value in making yourself happy with whatever it is. And not necessarily having to measure it up against anything but you and what it is that you're doing it for. And so when I hear you talk about like the stuff you're passionate in, I don't necessarily hear you doing it for money, but I could be wrong. We're just now meeting, you know, I.

[00:26:20] I don't know, I'm curious and interested to see how you find your way through this, you know, like I want to stay in touch and. She just mouthed me too. Me too. That will be interesting. No, I think that I mean with the podcast, I think that if people feel empowered, that will be really that will feel like a real success for me. If someone wanted to give me money and be like, I appreciate what you're doing.

[00:26:49] I support you. That would be even better. That would feel like more of a success. If people were like, please, can I just give you money to keep doing what you're doing? But I really I mean, I with the podcast, I don't know about success, but I have so much fun. I get so much out of these conversations that I have. I'm sure you guys do, too. But like every time I have you guys get to batch. I don't I don't understand how you do that, because I'm just like I am so drained at the end of one conversation. At the same time, I'm like, when do I get to do this again?

[00:27:20] Literally after every day of recording, we're like your social battery just. Yeah, but we also learn so much during that time. Right. And we only we record one Saturday a month, but we are still talking to each other every day, mainly just because we need a good laugh to get us going through the day. Yep. Or because something cool is happening. But we, you know, this is like our free therapy. Mm hmm.

[00:27:49] But we also get to empower our listeners to, you know, let them know that, you know, they're not alone in that their own journey. And like, they can maybe pick up a little nugget from this conversation and try and change something in their own life. Well, that's great for a lot when I'm listening to you guys. Like, I totally resonate with that. That just feels so familiar to me. And then I'm just I'm like riveted. Like, how does it end?

[00:28:18] How do we get out of that? Yes. I think. Same like I there are certain things I'll hear like just us in our conversation right now, where I think I'm finding myself being challenged because I think there's a part of your story that is the inner voice that I have. So I'm like, no, like, I want it more for you than I want it for me.

[00:28:40] And I think we get invested so much with the people we get to speak with, because either it's a reflection of a part of ourselves, or we are just genuinely I am rooting for you, right? I am like, yeah, I'm hooked. I'm like, we got to see this through. So I think that's the delusional part of me. I'm completely doing it for myself. And I'm ignoring the fact that there are other people out there listening.

[00:29:04] I'm just like, no, I'm this is my successes hearing your story and everybody's story and identifying with it. Right. And I mean, so many of my podcast guests I consider friends at this point, like after, you know, having this hour with them, plus, I'm just like, I, you know, follow them and I'm like rooting them on and I've included them in my email list. And I just, and future collaborations are just, it's amazing. So like, oh, I'm, I'm on this.

[00:29:33] Rex, I can't remember if I told you this or not, but I want to buy farmland. Did I tell you this? You gave me a little inkling, but like then, you know, life got in the way, because, you know, that always happens lately. But so we never got back to it. So you're going to buy some farmland? I want to buy some farmland.

[00:29:49] So I read this, I read a sub stack a couple months ago about the outrageous number of acres of farmland that are being bought by developers and big companies that are not going to actually grow food to feed people. And that just hit me really hard because I am such a, I'm such a big supporter of farms and farmers markets and farmers.

[00:30:18] And I, the thought of the farmers taking money because it's easier than doing the job. And, but then knowing that farm is not going to be supplying food. It just, it lit something up inside of me that has been around for a long time. I've been thinking about this for years, but reading that I was like, okay, it's go time.

[00:30:40] Cause I've always wanted to do something like this, have this, I keep saying, I don't know if it's necessarily a commune or a compound, but like a group of people like supporting each other on a piece of land. And I, there was this piece of, there was this property in Massachusetts that I was like, oh my gosh, it would have been a dream. It was 104 acres in Western Mass and it's a fruit farm. So as a jam maker, that's like a jackpot.

[00:31:08] So fruit farm, 104 acres, Western Mass, which is a very liberal state instead of Virginia, which is very not, it just, it sounded perfect. The, and now it's, it's off the, off of my, it's off of my head because there are two tiny homes on it. Like one is like one bedroom and one is two bedrooms, which is fine, except it's set up that there are no more buildings to be put on.

[00:31:37] Like 104 acres, two tiny houses. I need more houses than that for people to, one, me to pay for this and also to help take care of it. Cause ain't no way one person can do that. Even two. Well, I'm it's, it was a super bummer. Like that just happened this week. And so that was a super bummer. But you can still keep looking. Dream is alive. Dream is alive. You wrote it down. You're like, you know what? You're just going to keep looking.

[00:32:07] And, and, you know, you know, like you said, liberal states, you know, Massachusetts, New York. New England. New England. Yes. New England girl. I am a New England girl. Well, I, well, I don't know if I, you know, maybe I could do a farm. I've, I like the idea of having land and like providing for my family. Yeah. Or community. Oh my God. Yeah. Someone's going to have food. Right.

[00:32:35] We're not going to be able to keep importing food from nearby countries. You're completely right. Especially right now. Literally. If other countries or other businesses are buying these farms and no one's going to be growing food and they're expecting we're just going to import it when we can't, we're eventually not going to be able to do that. It's just, it's scary. I don't know where food is going to come from. Yeah. My garden. Yeah. My, my patio garden, my greenhouse, you know.

[00:33:05] I love the idea of doing that community or community garden, community based farming. Right. Yeah. Because that's a little bit of what our self-worth is made out of too. Right. Look, I planted the seed. It grew into a plant. Oh my God. There's fruit on this. You eat the fruit and you're like, oh my God, I did this with, I did this. Right. I didn't go to the store to buy it, but like, I grew a tomato.

[00:33:35] It's the best feeling. It's the best. Super therapeutic. Yeah. It's super therapeutic. Like up here in upstate New York, our porch faces West. And so I get like all this amazing, great sun. And in the five years that we've lived here, and it'll be five years in May, I've had amazing tomato crops every year. And I lived in Florida for 30 years and you know what? Everything was fucking burnt up.

[00:34:01] But here, like I knew my little baby tomatoes, you know, try a new plant every year. I hope to God this works. But you know, I'm also contending with the animals. You know, we have eight zillion deer here. We have rabbits. We have woodchucks. You know, everybody that likes to eat stuff that you don't want them to eat. So, you know, learning from that. And that's actually something I learned from your podcast is howing on how to do that. Right.

[00:34:30] Because I lived in South Florida for 30 years, but living in the Northeast and growing up here, it's a whole different growing season. I'm not going to be able to plant until, you know, second week in June. Right. For sure. But that's something that I wanted you to know is that I learned something from you. And so not just like mental health stuff, but like I'm learning like day-to-day life stuff. And like you, you give that to me.

[00:34:59] And I can honestly say I'd never listened to a podcast before until we started doing our own podcast. And the great thing about our medium is that our reach is so much further than like a television show or a radio show. Right. Because you can be anywhere and listen to a podcast. Yeah. Totally. Yeah.

[00:35:32] You've probably heard me say on the podcast a few times that I'm like sort of secretly building my group, my team. And that was before I even read the substandard. These are the people, you know, these are people that I like feel close to that I can look out, look to for advice or, or to live on my property. Yeah. Why does that, why does that bring you joy? I'm curious. What about that? Like scratches that itch for you? The idea of it all. Of the farmland? Mm-hmm. Oh my gosh.

[00:36:02] So before I moved here, I volunteered at a local farm for seven years, every single Saturday morning. And we were, you know, those people are like my family now. You know, I saw them more than my own family. And it was like, it was just like, it was such a great experience, you know, start to finish. G-Rex was just saying, you know, you plant the seeds and, you know, you weed and you water and all the things. And then, and this farm donated everything to the food banks.

[00:36:31] So we're literally, you know, we're building community and we are a feeding community. So it was beautiful. It was this beautiful thing. And I would love to be able to do something like that wherever I end up. And that was like, you know, this 104 acre place. I was like, this could be like, we could do retreats. We could do events. We could have you pick fruit. We could have, you know, people come and garden and, you know, have it be part of their own therapy, like digging in the dirt and growing something.

[00:36:59] It's so like you were saying, it's just so it's, it, it lights a fire in you. And it is such a great feeling of accomplishment. And, you know, and I could do a farm stand with the vegetables and the fruit and stuff like that. Like it was so perfect, except that I can't do it by myself. Yeah. But I'll find someplace. Nice. I love that. I love that.

[00:37:23] I want, I am in the process of getting like a little cottage license here in Georgia because I love baking bread. I love baking period. Doesn't matter what it is. I love cooking. But my idea or like I have this vision of what will make me happy, which is just baking fresh bread and cookies. I have a little stand that I roll out to the corner. All the parents that bring their kids to the bus stand. And I was like, how cool would it be if they can just come and grab like a little breakfast bread or whatever.

[00:37:52] Like just having that to bring it off with the kid or bring it home with you after dropping the kid off. Right, right, right. And there's a whole like you, I enjoy baking as well. Like you can bake all this bread. It just makes me so happy to bake and creating things. But I can't eat all that. I say, I have a gluten problem, but I'm gonna make you the best bread you've ever had. But it's just, I don't know, that will bring me joy. So that's kind of what I'm pursuing.

[00:38:19] And I think eventually, I mean, G-Rex knows the tomatoes we've had. So every year we've planted two tomato trees and we get all kinds of tomatoes, like crazy growth because I had to learn to not kill the spiders. But even the sauce from it, because there's just too many tomatoes. We're not going to be able to eat these and we're making sauce from them. I'm like, I could sell that in the little cottage. And so. Can you imagine that?

[00:38:46] Because have you bought, have you had to buy pasta at the grocery store for like a jar? Yeah. And I'm like. And it's full of all the garbage. The sugar and the, oh gosh. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, that's part of my thing. Like for jam and stuff, people are like, oh, are you going to keep making a jam? Of course I'm going to keep making a jam. I don't know if I can do it for the business yet, but I'm, I refuse to pay that money. Paying $7 for a jar of jam, but some people will do it.

[00:39:17] I think I just did. I'm pretty sure we did just pay $7. Once you know how to make jam, you can't, you can't spend that money because it is really in, you know, people have asked me, and this is the whole, like the inferiority complex again. Like people are like, why don't you like teach jam making? I'm like, are you serious? It's a book. I'm reading a book. You put fruit in a pot and you put sugar in the pot and pectin in the pot and that's it.

[00:39:47] You just stir it. Yeah, but you would be so good at teaching a class like that because you just, you're, you have such a warm personality, right? And inviting. And passion. And passion. And like when you mix that all up, like you have now made gold.

[00:40:07] And you just mix, yeah, throw all the shit in the pot, throw some salt, some sugar in there, throw some pectin, stir it up, strain it into your jars. But wouldn't that be fun? Like even to do it like a local library or like some community action project? I, you would be so good at it. I would come, but I'm not coming to Virginia. Okay. So maybe make your way north. Yes. I'm working on it. I'm working on it.

[00:40:38] I don't know. I don't know. We'll see. To be continued. I might keep that little nugget in your ear. Like every time I talk, I'm going to talk to you and be like, hey, did you investigate that? And you'd be like. You're not out of class yet. Do you do it? Are your friends interested in it? Well, show us how to make jam. Because my friends know how to make jam. Oh, okay. They just. Fair enough. I mean, I talked to somebody and she was like, I know how to make jam. I just don't want to do it. But I would rather you do it for me.

[00:41:06] I mean, it's just, it's really not hard. It's hard on a bulk basis. It was very stressful. I mean, so some, there are some folks that are like, you should just do an online class. And like, and then you get like the passive money, you know, like record the class and then people will pay for the class and you don't have to do, you only have to do it once. Yeah. But it's not hard. Like, how do I ask for money for this? Oh, I can help you with that.

[00:41:35] We're just going to, and if you don't want to show your face, that's cool. We'll put a mask on you. Right. Then you don't have to look at your face. Just look at the mask. And you'll be like, and here's the berries. I don't even think you need the mask. I mean, unless you really want to. And this is what we do. And you record it. Like, once again, I would help you do that, but you've got to come north. I told you, I'm not coming to Virginia. I love you, but it's not happening. And I would make it fun.

[00:42:03] You would probably be laughing the entire time and we'd have 87 cuts. Not that Dirty Skittles might know anything about that. 87 cuts on my own. Well, I'm invested. I'm rooting for you. I want to see where this goes. Appreciate that. Here are my questions. If you could rewind time and go back to a younger version of yourself and give that younger version some advice, what would you say?

[00:42:33] And how old is your younger version? It would probably be a 15-year-old me and say, don't listen to him. He's stupid. Yeah. Easy enough. Well, what has been your hardest lesson to learn so far in life? I think I'm still learning. Like, I don't. I mean, I would say that I have worth.

[00:43:03] That's a hard lesson. Yeah. I agree. I agree. Love that. All right. So here's my new question that I'm asking everybody. If your anxiety had a theme song, what would it be and why? Oh, my gosh. Anxiety. Because I'm an 80s person. I'm going to say she's a maniac.

[00:43:32] And also because I'm a mainer. Because the anxiety is just like nonstop. It's just it's like a loop. And I'm just thinking that girl running. Flash dance. So then my other question is, what do you do for self-love and self-care? So this is probably not. Okay.

[00:44:02] I'm just going to say you are the sum of the five people, six people that you surround yourself with, basically. And so I just surround myself with positive people because I can't do it on my own. I can't have an activity anymore. It's just not cool. I love that. I love that. I thank you so much for coming on. And it was such an honor to have you on. Yeah. You guys, this has been so great.

[00:44:33] So where can our listeners find you? Well, I just deleted my Facebook account. So not there. You can find Grounded in Maine podcast wherever you listen to podcasts. I am also on Instagram at Grounded in Maine podcast. I'm on LinkedIn. I think I'm just Amy Fagan for now. I'll be changing that in a couple of weeks. Yeah, that's it. That's beautiful.

[00:45:02] Thank you again. Thanks so much for coming on. Thanks, you guys. Thank you. Appreciate the chance to hang out. Hi, all. Thank you so much for listening to this episode. I'm G-Rex. And I'm Dirty Skittles. Don't forget to subscribe, rate, and review this podcast. We'd love to listen to your feedback. We can't do this without you guys. It's okay to be not okay. Just make sure you're talking to someone.

[00:45:52] Hello, everyone. This is the host of the podcast, No Chit Chat Trivia, inviting you to join me every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday for some no-nonsense trivia fun. Each episode jumps quickly into 10 trivia questions on a unique topic. And with a back catalog approaching 500 episodes, there's a ton of fun to be had. Perfect for road trips or family time, search No Chit Chat Trivia on Apple, Spotify, or wherever you get your pods.