Grief, Growth & Grit: Pearl on Losing Her Son and Learning to Live Again

[00:00:06] Hey there, listeners. Welcome to Shit That Goes On In Our Heads, the podcast where we normalize conversations around mental health. That's right. I'm Dirty Skittles and alongside my amazing co-host, G-Rex, we are here to share stories and tips from our incredible guests. Each episode, we deep dive into struggles and triumphs of mental health, offering practical advice and heartfelt support. Because no one should feel alone in their journey. Join us as we break the stigma and build a community of understanding and compassion.

[00:00:35] Tune in and let's start talking about the shit that goes on in our heads. Three, two, one. Welcome back to another episode of Shit That Goes On In Our Heads. Today, I'm here with my amazing co-host, Dirty Skittles. And we have an amazing guest, Pearl. Welcome, Pearl, to our podcast. So awesome to have you here. Welcome. Thank you for having me. I'm so excited to be here with both of you.

[00:01:04] I know I'm excited to get to listen to your story and your journey. I'm thrilled. I am excited to share it. It's been an interesting journey for sure. And as you guys both know, we go on different paths and sometimes we think we got to change the path, but we forget it's already been pre-done for us. So I'm excited to share some of that with you. Those are like when you're taking like a road trip and you stop to see like the biggest dinosaur in the world or whatever. Yeah. Those little detours. Yeah, 100%.

[00:01:34] Those detours are what keeps us going. Yeah. Seriously. Oh yeah. I like to equate when I, especially when I coach with my clients, I'll try to give them a, like we talk about their GPS roadmap. Like, where do you want to go? Right. And we talk about how you have to prepare for the road trip, right? You have to prepare. What are you packing? What kind of lunch are you taking? And then while you're driving up the mountain, you're going to pull off to the side of the mountain and you're going to view the beautiful scenic route. And what you're going to do is you're going to eat your lunch, but we don't like to litter and we don't like the litter in our life.

[00:02:04] So I like to talk about how you're going to take what trash you have to leave at that little stop scenic route and put in a trash can and continue on up to the top of the mountain. You're going to do the same thing there, but you now you get the whole view of the entire mountain. And then you get to leave whatever trash truly has been like holding you back. And then you, we're not going to be Jack and Jill. We're not going to roll down the mountain. We're going to take that stroll down because we've got to think about what's the next goal I want to achieve. Where do I want to go now?

[00:02:31] And so you're going to stop again, coming down the mountain and get rid of whatever else is going to hold you back and start doing the trip again and start on that roadmap. I love that. I literally could see myself as you were talking. I'm like, yes, I see the trash can that I'm putting my trash in and I see the beautiful view. And yeah, I could completely envision all that. That's really cool. I've never thought about it that way. Yeah. And often people do me, Gretchen and I, even on my podcast before Gretchen would talk about how we forget that we got to release those things that hold us back.

[00:02:59] We forget that if we don't let those things go, it will continue to be that shackle on our life. And so we have to get rid of the trash, put in the litter can, seal it up and get rid of it really well. That was like one of my favorite parts about the first time I went through therapy was learning that I don't have to carry the burden all the time. Like the burden I was dealing with was no longer mine to carry and I could let it go. And that was very freeing. It was amazing. Yeah.

[00:03:27] And if somebody's listening, like that is so true. Like you, it is so freeing when you get rid of that stuff. I've talked in part of my journey is how I've divorced my parents. And just recently, like my dad, like, I feel like he stalks me wherever I go. He's like looking for where I'm going to be at the next spot. Right. And I just had to get on Telegram for this group that I'm part of. I'm like, oh, my gosh, here we go. Another thing I have to add to my phone. Right. And then all of a sudden, like within 48 hours of being on this new app, who pops up? My dad.

[00:03:56] When I divorced my dad because of how he behaved towards me, how he behaved towards my kids, how my son passed, who was mixed race that we adopted as a baby, how my dad had been racial to him. And then in his passing said horrible things about his passing and how he deserved to pass and all these things. And like, I literally divorced him. And so here he goes and sends me a message in Telegram. Like, oh, my gosh, dear Lord, what are you telling me to do with this? And I literally just said, leave me alone. I resent him the obituary that I wrote him pre-COVID.

[00:04:26] And then I said, and by the way, and so if you're listening, somebody's going to say, how can you do that? That's your parents. It's no different than being in a toxic relationship. Right. So I wrote to him, too, was and by the way, there'll be no deathbed forgiveness because life happens now, not when you're dying. Whoa. All right. That was a lot. I'm like, wait, what? Okay. In our head, right? Yeah.

[00:04:54] So interesting thing you mentioned. So I can totally relate to not with my parents, but people in my family who I have chosen are no longer a part of my life. Right. I have my reasons. They I think G-Rex used to say this to me. At least it felt like a lot to say protect your peace. These are individuals who are attacking my peace. I don't need them in my life. I have, quote unquote, divorced them. Right.

[00:05:20] Like they are not a part of my thing, but I never went as far as writing them an obituary. So that is like something I've never heard anybody talk about. Why the obituary was that like the final, like for you, that's what you needed to move away from that relationship. Yeah. So a little backstory there. So my parents divorced after 43 years of marriage. And so my dad did some terrible things when my son was there, probably middle school age at my parents' house.

[00:05:48] My mom wasn't home and my dad was selling some of my mom's favorite things. And my son, Matt, kept saying, why are you doing that? And he's like, don't say anything. You'll never see your grandparents then. Like all these thoughts he was putting in his head. So years later, after learning this, I saw my dad came circled back in my life and he's my dad. So let's try to work on our relationship. So we worked on that. My dad actually moved in with us for a little bit. And it was about the time my son was becoming a high school or teenager and my dad's racism. That's when it really started to show up.

[00:06:18] And so over the summers, it was like, be a grandparent. Let them get in trouble with you. I don't need to know. But it was like, I was getting these phone calls at work at the office. Matthew this, Matthew that. And then one day, Matt's friend came and said, hey, Mrs. Sharon's horrible things that Matthew, like you should give him back and just all these things. And so I was like, I told my dad, that's it. You cannot be in my life. Well, fast forward, he had gotten married. And I went to go visit his second wife, who he's now divorced from, just that I would happen to be in town.

[00:06:45] And when we're sitting there, she said to me, she needed to tell me something. And she basically told me like, okay, when we have our kids, we tell our kids, even when we grow up, remember, put your stuff where you take it off at. You always know where your things are. Well, Matthew played football. He could never find his cleats. It seemed like, mom, where's my cleats? I was like, if you put them away in the laundry room, you'd always know where they're at. And what she told me was my dad was purposely, because Matt would always find them. Like, see, you must've found them.

[00:07:10] But my dad was purposely hiding them on my son until he needed them. And I sat there, I was like, wow. And I looked at her and I go, why didn't you tell me these things? Like, there was other things she told me too. And her son was sitting there and I went to high school with him. And he's like, I didn't know you well enough now in our adult age. I didn't know how you would respond. And I was like, wow. I said, I think I looked at her and I said, I think God didn't let you tell me because I probably would be in jail right now. I probably would have done some horrible things. So I walked out of her house.

[00:07:40] I had a four hour drive home, but I sat in her driveway for two hours and just like in thought about what was happening, processing what I had heard. And I sat there and I asked God, what do I do with this? Like, how do I respond to this? I called Matt. I'm like, I'm so sorry. He's like, mom, it's not your fault. I'm like, yeah, but mama bear should have caught on to this thing as a parent. So I literally, what came to me was right obituated to my dad that he's as my father. And I wrote it so well that I actually sent it to my brother, my sister and my nephews

[00:08:08] who are now adults and said that when his physical being is no longer here, I don't need to know because I'm not a hypocrite. If I'm going to divorce you, I don't need to be showing up at your funeral or nothing like that. This is a divorce. We're done. And so I literally, that's what I did. And I left it at that. And you raise your kids right when your son comes to you about a year or so later and says, mom, if you want a relationship with papa, I'm okay with it. And I was like, thank you. And I don't want a relationship because those kinds of people I don't want in my life.

[00:08:38] And I don't want them in your life. Those kinds of people are not people that I want to be around. I don't want to surround myself around those kinds of people. And so to this day, even after Matt's passing, my younger son, Nate, he actually called my dad one time and trying to, he's like, mom, can I call papa? I'm like, yeah, here's the phone call. I'm not going to keep them from having a relationship. It's up to them. And my dad actually said, took up the phone. He said, I have no grandchildren. And he hung up the phone on my son. So he ruined that relationship for them too.

[00:09:07] And so at one point we knew he was not good health wise. I said to my boys, if you want to go see papa, I will drive you up there. I will make sure you can see him. And they both said, funny thing is there are two different cars. One with my husband, one with me. I told my one son, Nate, when we were driving, got to dinner, told my son, Matthew. They both said the same thing. If we weren't important enough to be his grandchild when he was healthy, why do we need to be important enough now?

[00:09:34] And I was like, that's, I taught them boundaries and I'm so glad I taught them boundaries. Yeah. Wow. That's such a hard conversation though. Right. And it's hard to make those decisions, but like you get tired of being crapped on and having so much angst in your life, it starts to eat away at your mental health. And then not only your mental health, but then that like flows down to other parts of your life. Right.

[00:10:04] And now everybody else is feeling the shit that's going on in your head. Yeah. And it's not fair to you. Right. And not fair to your kids. And the sad part about it is that you can't, nine times out of 10, you can't change them because they don't want to change for themselves. A hundred percent. I totally agree with you. And for me, that's where like, I learned people-pleasing because I am a recovering people-pleasing addict.

[00:10:31] The people-pleaser in me would have been like, okay, I need to fix this. And I would have never written a picture. I would have never done the things that I did. But because I started working, as you were saying, my mental health and started working on that back in like 2015 and realized I was such a people-pleaser. You probably could ask me to come help pick up the dog stuff in your yard. And I would have probably said, okay, I'll be right over. Right. I was so afraid of saying no to anything. And that started like when I was a little girl and it wasn't my parents' fault. They did the best they could at the time because my dad was off the Vietnam War.

[00:11:01] My mom, that time you got kicked off a base. So the money wasn't, of course, great. My mom's working while taking care of three kids. So it was like, I need you to watch your brother and sister hear me like, third or fourth grade. I'm already taking care of people. Right. So I never really, when I look back, people go, I did this kid. I'm like, yeah, I stayed home and folded clothes and made dinner as a kid. I didn't have those fun things to do. And so as that people-pleasing me, I've been married 40 years. I met my husband at 19 years old.

[00:11:28] Even that, like I credit him for me starting to know how to communicate because I didn't know how to say no. I grew up in a household where my parents, if they got in an argument, they just didn't talk. You walk like eggshells and all of a sudden you came home and everything was fine. You're like, what happened? How did I fix that? Right. So that was a communication I knew.

[00:11:56] So when I met my husband, I didn't know how to communicate to him that I was upset because if people-pleasing me, it's like, well, don't say anything because he might leave. He might react this way. He might yell at me or whatever. And so he started having the conversations for me. Like if we had a disagreement or something, I would just shut down. He'd start saying what he thought I would say. And I was like, oh no, I wouldn't have said it that way. So part of that overcoming it started with him, but really 2015, because I was so afraid of disappointing people.

[00:12:26] I was so afraid that you wouldn't like me because I couldn't help you do this or that or show up for you here or there. I would just show up, but I wasn't happy. I was stressed out. I did not want to do that. And something in 2015, I went from, I was doing just health and wellness coaching. I was just helping people with losing weight. I lost over 60 pounds, love the program. And so one time the person I trained under, she put some of her clients on my calendar. And what happened was I coached differently than she did.

[00:12:54] I coached from the mental part of, okay, why did you have that cupcake? What's not on plan, but let's talk about the emotion behind it. So as I was doing that, they started referring their friends. Hey, Pearl, can you talk to so-and-so? Like she doesn't need to lose weight, but she's got so much happening in her life. She doesn't know how to respond. She doesn't know what to do. Her thoughts are all over the place. So I found myself having like cups of tea, because I don't drink coffee, at shops with people. And I wasn't charging. And all of a sudden I was like, okay, God, what am I doing here? And so I said, I wanted to start this life coaching journey.

[00:13:23] And I took this course called Identity and Destiny. And at the end of six weeks, you had to give your I am statement. I was still saying I was all my title. I was a mom. I was this. And the girl that I fronted met in the course, she's like, I don't know where Pearl is. Like, who the heck is Pearl? You're still all these things. And it hit me that I still didn't know who I was. I had a lot of work to do. So I decided I needed to do something. My older son, Matt, was going off to college. I wanted to kind of reconnect with my younger son because he was very introvert, very independent like I was.

[00:13:54] And so I started this journey. And one day I was heading off to this network meeting. And I saw this rock on the ground. It was a really pretty rock. I just picked up and stuck it in my pocket. I walked in this meeting at the end because I volunteer and help everybody. Somebody came up and was like, hey, Pearl, I'm getting ready to do this fundraiser for these different animals, for dogs and cats. I can't remember exactly what it was. Would you help me? Well, my hand raised the side of that pocket that had the rock. And all of a sudden it came out. No, like it just like that came out. So no, I can't do that.

[00:14:22] I was like, oh, I didn't mean to say it that way. Like I felt really bad, but I was like, that didn't hurt. So I went home and I decided this is a sign. And so I took that rock and made a commitment to myself that I would say no to something or someone three times in a day. At the end of the day, when I came home, had I not done that, I had either text, call or email somebody. No, without a reason why. Sorry, I'm not gonna be able to help you with that. I can't get you that report, whatever it was.

[00:14:51] As I was doing, that's where my Shiro world started for me. That's where I started going, well, that didn't hurt. So I became stronger and understanding that no is a complete sentence, that you can say it as happy as you say yes. And then as that happened, I wasn't waking up in the middle of the night going, oh my God, I didn't turn that report in. I didn't go call that person to make that sponsorship. I was sleeping through the night. So I was happier. I wasn't stressed out. Kids asked me for something last minute for football or baseball or whatever it was.

[00:15:18] And then as that happened, I was like, I found this new empowerment. Like, I want to go teach and coach on this. I want to speak on this. I want to write about this. So I started doing those things. And then I started walking in rooms and people were like, what's different with you, Pearl? Like, have you cut your hair? Have you lost weight? I caught it. I was glowing up. I had that radiant glow up walking into rooms. And truly what ended up happening is as a little girl, I wanted to be a teacher, but I didn't have the guidance on how to go up to school and become this teacher.

[00:15:47] I started realizing this coaching, I was really enjoying it. So I wanted to get more education. So I started really being that original person I wanted to be, that teacher slash coach. And so that's where the Shiro world started for me. And then I talked about by stepping into your Shiro self. And then guess what happened? COVID hits. Here comes COVID. And I'm sitting and I'm watching behind my screen. My kids are, one's off in college, one's doing his adult life.

[00:16:14] And I was like, women are stressed out. Oh my God. I got to be home with my kids. I got to be home with my spouse or partner all day long. I love them all, but I don't want to be with them 24 seven. And by the way, I send them to school to learn. I don't want to be their teacher. I get to do this with them at home. Right. So I was like, I called it. They had these, I need a Calgon, take me away moment in my house. So I was like, I got to do something. So I started this 30 day self-care challenge.

[00:16:40] And that 30 day self-care challenge, every day you had to do something for 30 days. But every Sunday we would get together on Zoom. We'd have a conversation about how it felt this week to do these things. What held you back? What was successful? At the end of 30 days, we're like, well, what are we going to do now? And that's where I took my Shiro world and I created my Shiro league. So every Sunday night to this day, here we are five years later almost. And we are still meeting every Sunday night from eight to 9 PM. We're talking about, we've talked about changing the dates, but everybody's like,

[00:17:09] no, we like Sunday because it's a great way to end the week. And it's a great way to start the week. We talk about the good, the bad, the indifferent. We learn, we have guest speakers come in about everything in that wheel of life, finance, self-care, personal development, whatever that is. And it's just become this beautiful thing that as we, as the three of us know, we take our pain we've gone through and we have to pay it forward. And for those that are listening, I feel like in my, I say all the time, even the women that

[00:17:38] I coach that are in a home for women that are between homelessness and or surviving domestic violence, we all have a story and it's our job to pay it forward, to empower somebody else to know that you're not alone. That your story may not be the same. And Gretchen and I, you've talked often, our stories are not the same, but there are some similar paths. They may not be the same, but we have a story and somebody needs to hear your story. So whether you're writing a book or you just leave a note on a pillow for the next person

[00:18:05] that's going to be coming in that space you're at, we need to do something to pay it forward. We don't need to feel alone, especially in the world we're in today. We don't need to feel alone. 100%. And all of us sharing our journeys and having our guests coming on and sharing their journeys, we unlock somebody else's prison, right? We give voice to what they're feeling because not everybody feels comfortable talking about what's going on.

[00:18:33] They want to, but yet at the same time, they don't want to feel alone. Right. And it takes a lot of vulnerability to talk about it, but we all learn from those really painful parts of our life to help us grow. And I, for me, I've seen my own personal growth. I've seen growth in Dirty Skittles. I've seen your growth. We all grow from it.

[00:18:58] I mean, yeah, it's a lot of shitty stuff that goes on, but you can grow from that as long as you don't sit in it, right? And you get the help that you need, right? There, we, we just, our previous guest, we talked a lot about going to therapy, right? Find the shit that works for you. And like, don't sit with it, but turn it into something beautiful. Yeah, I agree. I mean, I think that's a lot that's so powerful.

[00:19:25] Like what you said, find what works for you, because what works for me, that may not work for the other person. One of the things I learned that as I started saying no, like I was able to stage that people pleaser because as I was saying no, I started becoming known as a connector here in my community because it's like, oh, I don't want to do that dog thing, but Mary Jane over here, she loves animals. Like I love my animals at home, but go fundraising. No, thank you. But Mary Jane does. So what was happening was I started being able to go, you know what? That's not a good fit for me.

[00:19:52] And I know so-and-so let me introduce you to so-and-so my friend, Michelle Jewsberry. She'll talk about me all the time. Just go ask Pearl. Like I've connected with different things. She's buying a house, right? I'm like called this in this person. She looks at me. She's like, you really do know people. But that's what happens is you start becoming open and don't close your world that you think you have to do everything yourself. And you bring in these people around you. You have this, I call it my friend Lisa and I call it your balcony people. You have the people that you can, those five people that you can go to, but then you have

[00:20:20] these other tangles that you can connect out to. So my people pleasing was like, okay, cool. I don't have to do it, but let me just connect you with so-and-so. And if I did know anybody, I was just like, unfortunately, I don't know anybody connected to us. It's just not a good fit for me. But like you said too, is go find what works for you, whether it's getting a coach, whether it's getting a therapist, there's nothing wrong in that. I think we've come through now, especially since COVID. One of the things I think we missed during COVID is not having more emphasis on the mental health that was happening behind the four walls.

[00:20:50] I feel like we missed that. We had our kids at home. They lost social skills. We lost communication. We didn't know how to communicate with our partners. So I don't know what the divorce rate is or not since COVID, but I'm sure that's a little bit spiked because of that. And I think because of that, we missed that mark. I think we're coming out of that more and saying, we've got to talk about that, that it's no longer a taboo to talk about it. It's okay to have a conversation on it and to get help.

[00:21:18] It's like people who are, that have different addictions. You go get help, but you always have to work the program. I have a friend that's not working in the program right now and has slipped backwards. And the conversation was, when you think you got it, that's when you still need to make sure you're checking in with the people who are supporting you, because that's when you get too comfortable and thinking, I have it, that might not be how you want to check in. And even if it's a check-in every two weeks, but have those resources because it's really powerful to understand that A, we're not alone.

[00:21:48] We don't have to do this life by ourselves. And B, there's no shame in communicating that I need help. Even me today, I still have a business coach. I still have a therapist I talk to. I still reach out for those things. My son, we were talking about, I lost him only three years ago this July. He was 25 when he passed. Well, this past January, my youngest one had his 25th birthday. I went into December of last year saying, oh, it's not going to be a big deal. It feels kind of weird, but I've got this.

[00:22:16] I didn't realize until last week when I looked at my month of January, it was so lacking in my productive that I was like, I didn't have it. I thought I had it. I didn't have it. It didn't feel comfortable knowing that my younger son is now going to be my oldest son that's here on this earth. And so I realized that was a time. And it reminded me that when we think we have it, that's when you reach out more for those people in your circle to help you. And that's even the Shiro League.

[00:22:45] When Matt passed, like I said, I created Shiro League because of what I saw happening during COVID. I didn't realize that really I created Shiro League to have that them there for me when my son was passing. Because we don't know what that journey is. Like I say all the time, our life is already pre-written. We just don't know what it is yet. And so when Matt passed, that Shiro League, those community of women, they stepped up. Like I literally called one of the girls who lives here locally. I don't even think I was off the phone with her telling her my son had passed and she was at my doorstep.

[00:23:16] Like, and she lives like 20 minutes from me. So having those people around you that are yours. And I'm going to say to the person on the other end, one of the things, especially when you have lost somebody in your life, especially a child, there's no title for a parent that's lost a child. There's nothing there. There's widow. There's, there's all these other titles, but there's not one when you lose a child. And even in any loss, when you think your friend is like, I hate the word getting over it because

[00:23:45] we don't get over it. We don't get over the loss. We learn to live with the loss. That's when you need to check in on that friend. When you think, oh, they're doing really well. That's when you need to check in on that friend. Because really what's happening oftentimes are not is they're like, nobody cares anymore. Nobody's listening anymore. Right. And so that's when you need to check in. And when you're feeling that way on the other, back to the other side of it, that's when you need to go get help. If you have those thoughts that nobody cares, that's when you need to go help.

[00:24:13] And that's why one of the things that I love to do is when I coach on mental fitness, I love, I talk about how our brain is our best friend and our worst enemy. Right. And so I love like coaching on that and things you can do to help when those thoughts come up. What are some things that use this program called positive intelligence with my clients? We talk about those sabotaging and judging thoughts we have in our head and how we can save them. What tools do we have in our toolbox? Whether it's meditation, whether it's journaling, whether it's calling a friend, something you

[00:24:42] can do to help you get through those challenges. Yeah. And it's funny that you brought that up. So I have some good friends in California that lost their house. Right. So, yes, I've been like checking in on them, but they're going to need like just reassurances even six months from now. Right.

[00:25:11] So what I've done is I have a Sunday practice. I go through all my friends on my phone and I text everybody and I just do a check in just to see how everybody's doing. Right. Because we get so tied up in life that we forget that we have our tribe. Right. And for me, it was my tribe that propped me up when I couldn't prop myself up. So if I can help prop somebody else up so that they can make it to the next minute, the

[00:25:39] next hour, the next day, then feel like I've done something to kind of just pay them back for what they did for me. Because like in those first couple of months, like I would get like 10, 15, 20 texts a day with people just checking in. And when I opened up about what was going on in November, like I had another dip. But this time I was super honest about what was going on. Like everybody knew I was not happy. Happened again.

[00:26:05] 10, 20 people checking in on me every day just to make sure I was taking care of myself. And our tribes are those people that will help us through, get through the toughest times in our life. Yeah, we all have spouses. We all have family. But sometimes your friends are like your best line of defense. They sometimes know you better than your spouse does. Yeah. And they can tell you when you need to like go back to setting your boundaries.

[00:26:35] And like you said, Pearl, using the word no. No is a complete sentence. 100%. Yeah. And the things I like you're checking in. I can't remember where I heard this. I'm not going to be able to quote the person that said it, but they had somebody pass away. And I don't know if it was Tyler Perry or who it was. But they had somebody that passed that had a loss in their life. And they were like, I'm good. And they're like, you know what? I'm going to call you every day. And then I'll just take care of you. So they said the same time every day they would call and or text. Hey, how are you doing?

[00:27:04] Just checking on you. And then that one time they called at that time that they did every single day, that person was like, I just broke down in tears. And one of the things that I do is especially, I'm actually going for my grief coaching certification. And I really want to concentrate on the parents, especially the moms, because it's mentioned emotions so much differently than women do. But I really want to work with the moms because we feel like we have to carry, just like people play. And we think we have to carry everything on our shoulders. And so whatever I hear of a mom that's lost a child or anything,

[00:27:33] the first thing I do is reach out and say, I'm here whether you want to talk, scream, yell, or just sit in quietness on the telephone. You don't have to say a word. And the other thing that I do, and I got this from my friend Ruth, when our son Matt passed, she brought me a ton of paper products and a DoorDash gift certificate. Because she said, people bring you all this food, people bring you all these things, but they forget the paper products. And they forget people are going to go home. You're not going to have food. And there's going to be that day you're going to be like, I don't want to cook nothing.

[00:28:03] And you're going to DoorDash. And so that's become my thing that I do now when I pay it forward. I'll go and I'll just drop and I drop a card. I don't even want to see you. And I just say, I'm here when you're ready to talk, right? Because it's a club. I don't want anybody to join me in as a mom. And it's a club that we need to support one another in. And as we look at, it's amazing. My son made a choice to drink a drive that night. It was a terrible choice. Because he, especially because he knew how much that was like a thing for me. We can't change it. Life's not a remote. We can't rewind it.

[00:28:32] But what can I do with this journey that I'm on? What can I do to pay it forward? How can I make a difference? And that's what I choose in my life. Two days before Matt passed, 2015 is when he went off to college. That's when I really started working and coming over people pleasing. And when he and my husband and him had a business together. And two days before he passed, he was here at our house in the garage. They're working on some stuff for the business. And it's like, hey mom, can you throw me a bottle? So I chucked the bottle of water across the garage.

[00:28:57] And it's like, wow, not only have you figured out who you are, but you can throw something. And right there, like two days later he passed. That's the best memory I have is that he left this world knowing I figured my shit out. I figured out I have myself first so I can show up 100% for them. And the bonus was he thinks I can throw something for a change, but I still can't throw football. He played football in high school. I can never throw a football to him. But the thing is, what are we doing to leave the mark? When I work with my clients, I'm like, what legacy are you leaving behind?

[00:29:26] What mark are you leaving behind? What example, especially if kids, are you leaving behind for your kids and your littles? Because here's the thing. I always say, if tomorrow never comes, and I'll ask my clients, one of the things I make them work on is their joy list. And I'm like, you're going to give me 10 things that bring you joy. And they're like, oh, no problem. I don't know. It's going to take you six weeks at least to do these 10 things. Because I want to know not just why, but every time you think you have the answer why that one thing brings you joy, I'm going to ask you, why does that bring you joy?

[00:29:54] So those 10 things are going to take you about six weeks. And so I always say that at the end of this world, if we no longer, you guys are no longer here tomorrow and I show up at your eulogy and I can only say what I saw you do for yourself, you better have 10 friends in that room that could say something different, 10 different things they saw you do for yourself. For me, it's like they saw me sit at my front porch swing and journal. They saw me go for a walk. They saw me go take a staycation at the beach here in Florida. They're going to say those different things.

[00:30:23] They're also going to say that I did show up for friends when it was within my boundaries. They'll say that I was there around my terms. And so we have to, because here's the thing. If you're holding a job, they're going to slide somebody else in that seat and they're going to do that job you're doing. If you have a business and you're not doing anything, your business is going to close down and your clients will figure out who to go to next. And the bigger part is it's going to suck for your family. You're not going to be here, but guess what? They're going to figure out how to cook. They're going to figure out how to clean.

[00:30:51] They're not going to be able to figure out how you were there for them every day. They're not going to have that memory if you weren't there overflowing into them. What after you float into your cup? So that's what I like to tell everybody else. What are you doing today? Leave that legacy for tomorrow for yourself. Man, that's wonderful. That puts a lot into perspective. I mean, you just nailed it right there. Like, what am I doing today? Yeah.

[00:31:16] So that kind of leads into one thing that I had been wondering about from the beginning was how do you answer that question now when people ask who is Pearl? Yeah. So that's a great question because growing up, I hated my name, you guys. So my maiden name is Nap. So I was told Pearl, go take a nap. I'm short. I was called Mini Pearl. I was called Pearl Harbor. Everything you could think of, I had it.

[00:31:43] I would come home and my mom, I have thick hair and my mother had it very long past my shoulders. She'd always have pulled back in this ponytail. So I'd come home either crying on one of my haircuts or crying I want to change my name. My name is three generations old. So Pearl Ellen, I'm named after my aunt who's named after my great aunt. So I asked my brother and sister, when you have kids, if you have girls, do not name them after me, please, especially if you're going to keep the name happening in the world. So I did not like my name growing up.

[00:32:11] And so as I went on this journey to figure out who I was and realizing that people pleasing was a big part of it, I started realizing that I know who Pearl is. She's somebody who can say yes to herself. She's somebody who sets boundaries. She sets priorities. And she still loves those that are closest to her. And she knows how to love the ones that are worth giving of my time and my love and how to put no and or divorce those that can't be part of my world.

[00:32:39] And so now, as you see, everything I do is around pearls. Like I wear pearls everywhere. Everything is about Pearl. I have this little shell here that talks about a pearl in it and everything, right? But everything I do is around my name because I've learned to love myself. And I've learned that I have to do for me first. And I have to overflow my cup so that I can do for others. So that's, yeah, who I am today. And the bonuses, I also am a coach. I am a mom. Besides being my coach, I am a mom.

[00:33:06] And I'm a wife to an amazing husband of 40 plus years. And I have my son, Matthew, when they passed, had a beautiful girlfriend named Evie. She had a little girl already. So Evie is our little kind of adopted granddaughter. And Brittany is our daughter in love, we call her. And then my youngest son, Nate, just got married in October. So now we're a growing family, small knit growing family. And I love what's about to come for us and the changes that are going to come for us. But at the same time, I love that I still do what I do. I love that I still am a coach.

[00:33:36] I love that I still hold annual pajama retreats. I'm having my ninth one this September where you show up, there's no makeup. You are in PJs all weekend long. You can let the girls hang loose if you want to. And we have four days of self-care and self-development. And we do some really cool things around it. I love that question. Okay. If you could go back in time to a younger version of yourself and give that younger version of you some advice, what would you say?

[00:34:05] And how old are you when you go back in time? Wow. I would say to her, probably I was in the fourth grade. So what, I don't know, what are we held like 10 or 12 around there? I probably would tell her, you don't have to do it for everybody. It's okay to tell even mom and dad that you don't want to do that. It's okay to have your voice.

[00:34:30] It's also okay to tell mom and dad about the babysitter who took advantage of you. It's okay to do that and that you're safe. That's what I would tell her for sure. And I would tell her, it's, you can be safe in the word no, and you don't have to worry about what others think about it. What would you say the hardest lesson is that you've had to learn so far? The hardest lesson I had to learn,

[00:34:59] that I can still live my life after my son passed. Yeah. As much as I was saying it and talking it, those first few months that it was, that it happened, it was, it's okay. It's okay to still live because that's what Matt would want us to do. I love that. All right. So I have two questions. They're kind of two parters. Okay. So the first one is, what's your favorite word?

[00:35:29] My favorite word right now is journey. I love that. And what's your least favorite word? My least favorite word is, my least favorite word is I can't. The word can't. Don't tell me I can't do anything because let me prove you wrong. Amen. Like, listen to people. You can do it. You just have to put a little effort into it. Okay.

[00:35:56] What does Pearl do for self-love and self-care? Oh, well, I kind of touched a little bit on that. So I take, I set my boundaries. Number one, 100% have boundaries and still living in that. No, of course, people pleasing comes out every so often, but I go back to understanding that. No, I have to say no to others, but I sit on my front porch swing and just, I'm in this little, like we used to have a house that was 4,000 square foot. We had an acre and a half of land.

[00:36:24] Now we're in like a 3,000 square foot home, a little bit less than we're 12 feet between each other. And we had like these white picket fences in front of our house. So it's like, it's a walking community. So oftentimes I'm on the front porch swing journaling or whatever, and neighbors walk by. I'm across here from elementary school. So I love sitting at the front porch swing, watching everybody walk by and saying hi. So that's one of my favorite things I do. And then also just going to the beach. I love a good sunset. I love that. I love all of this. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much, Pearl.

[00:36:55] We love having you on here. So how can our listeners find you? Oh, that's so easy. You can just go to Pearl Sharenza. My last name is C-H-I-A-R-E-N-Z-A. So just go look me up on all the social medias, or you can simply go to WSLiving. So that's WSLiving.com. And you'll find all about me there. You'll find my blog post. You'll find links to my podcast, which by the way, since you were on my show, we've changed our show name.

[00:37:24] We're launching this week. So I don't know when you're airing this show, but we will have, by time your listeners hear it, our new show is now called Soulful Self-Care Conversations. So we have soulful conversations around everything self-care. So you can listen to us there at the podcast or on YouTube as well. Wonderful. Thank you so much. I appreciate you sharing everything you've shared with us today. It was so much fun. I love this. Thank you for giving me the opportunity. You're welcome. Hi, all. Thank you so much for listening to this episode. I'm G-Rex.

[00:37:53] And I'm Dirty Skittles. Don't forget to subscribe, rate, and review this podcast. We'd love to listen to your feedback. We can't do this without you guys. It's okay to be not okay. Just make sure you're talking to someone.