Embracing Our Values and Mental Health: A Personal Voyage with Guest Valerie

G-Rex [00:00:00]:
Valerie, I'm super excited that you're here. Like, how's the weather been in Chicago? And can you guys, like, keep that weather? Because by the time, mother Dietrich gets over here to upstate New York, she's she's gone.

Valarie [00:00:11]:
I know. Right? I mean, it's not great today. So we'll try and keep it. Thank you, but, but it's kinda rainy today. Gloomy. But, you know, it wasn't bad. Was it last week? Last week, it was nice, and it's been kinda Bipolar where it'll go up and down, and it was, like, in the nineties 2 weeks ago, and then it went down into, like, the fifties or forties. But I was in Texas for a while beforehand, so I kinda like, like, the falls.

Valarie [00:00:39]:
Like, I missed the fall when I was in the south, so it's nice. I don't mind it. It's fine.

G-Rex [00:00:44]:
It it's fine until you walk outside in your flip flops without any socks on, and it's 38 degrees out because you didn't bother to look before you walked outside.

Valarie [00:00:54]:
Yes. Yes. I know. I remember in college, I would, like, walking around on the ice and stuff. And then when you fall, you're like, no one saw that. Right?

Dirty Skittles [00:01:02]:
Like I remember, Upstate New York, and I got to a point where it was just ice. And I would walk across the street to get a coffee and walk back across. And this one time I slipped and fell, and I didn't spill my coffee. And I was like, yes. Like, I I fell, hurt myself, but coffee is here intact. We're good. It was like a new achievement. You know?

Valarie [00:01:40]:
Yeah. Yes. The coffee is okay. It's the Yeah.

Dirty Skittles [00:01:42]:
Yeah. You learn how to walk on ice. We'll be fine.

Valarie [00:01:46]:
Yes. The what was it? Last year, I had wipes on the car, and it was when it was, like, super cold after December or Christmas time, and, They froze in the car. Like, it was a block of ice. It was

Dirty Skittles [00:01:57]:
the ice.

Valarie [00:01:58]:
This is the first.

Dirty Skittles [00:01:59]:
Hopefully, you didn't need them in that moment.

Valarie [00:02:01]:
No. I did not. That's good. Yes. That would have been quite a situation. Nice.

Dirty Skittles [00:02:07]:
So so you're a mom, right, with the wipes? Yes. How many Right. Kids do you have?

Valarie [00:02:12]:
I have 3 kids. So I have a, 7a half year old, and she's very clear about me putting the in there and a 5 year old as well as a 3 year old.

Dirty Skittles [00:02:24]:
So you're busy?

Valarie [00:02:24]:
Girl, boy, girl. Yes. I am. Yep. I like to say, like, I we have a girl sandwich. Like, we have a girl and a boy and a girl. So Oh. They're I love them.

Valarie [00:02:34]:
Like, they are just, I mean, as moms, like, we love our kids. We do. But sometimes it's chaotic and, you know, we I like to Keep it real with, like, other moms and, you know, in the moment, every day, every hour sometimes, it it It's different. Like, sometimes it's pure joy. Sometimes it's pure chaos. Sometimes it's just, you know, a little bit in between. So I just like to roll with it and live in the present as much as I can, but that takes practice, and some days are better than others for me. And if we if I'm yelling at them because we're late and, like Like, throwing them out of the car into school, being like, you're late.

Valarie [00:03:13]:
The bell's gonna ring. You know? It it's just I try to then be like, okay. How can I live in the moment? I'm gonna someday, I'm gonna miss this. And so maybe the next day, Just it's okay for late. Like, it's it'll be fine, and just live in the moment as much as we can and the times that I am Yelling at them for whatever it is because we all do. We're not perfect. Then, and just say, you know, mom's working on this. And, just like you're working on things, mom's working on things too.

Valarie [00:03:43]:
So I like to say I'm an imperfect mom who loves.

G-Rex [00:03:49]:
I love that.

Dirty Skittles [00:03:50]:
Yeah. Me too. It's it's comforting to hear you say that if something happens or you yell that you are open with them. Right? Like, you're telling them, hey. I'm working on this too. That's I like that because I've oftentimes caught myself in a moment of, like, I'm either really tired, and that's adding to, like, My short temper where I snap, and I feel bad because I'm like, that's not how I meant it. But in that moment, I just lost my patience. And I I fully own up to it because I thought it better for him to see that I'm able to recognize when I've done something wrong versus pretend like, you know, I never do.

G-Rex [00:04:27]:
Absolutely. Like the like the day that I, made you pay him a quarter to use the the naughty word? Yeah.

Dirty Skittles [00:04:33]:
But I still don't know what I said. I did say a naughty word. I don't think it was a swear. I think it was, like, something else, or was it a swear? Do you remember what I said?

G-Rex [00:04:41]:
It was a it was a swear. Oh, shit. And so I I I I got I got Nugget on the phone, and I'm like, you need to ask your mom for a quarter. Yeah. And he did. He was smart.

Dirty Skittles [00:04:50]:
Me. He was like, It's mommy, you owe me a quarter or something. I was like, oh, shit. Yeah. But he was because he gave me the quarter order to give to him. He's like, here you go, mom. Now just give it back.

Valarie [00:05:02]:
Oh, yeah. That's sweet. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I know. It's and they're so, like, Especially, I would say my 7a half year old, she's always been a talker, and she's so verbose about everything, and she will say it like it is to me. Like, If I am yelling, she'll be like, mom, you are yelling too much.

Valarie [00:05:22]:
You have an angry face, and I don't like it. You said you're gonna work And I'm like, oh, okay. We're all working on things. But

Dirty Skittles [00:05:32]:
That's always nice to be, like, humbled by by your child. I know. Hug.

Valarie [00:05:37]:
Oh, man.

Dirty Skittles [00:05:39]:
So Yeah. Besides being a mom, what else keeps you busy these days?

Valarie [00:05:44]:
Gosh. I feel like, being a mom, you know, I that's constant. There's always something with them. But I also feel like it's important as moms to have time for ourselves and what fills our cup up. Because, I was talking with a therapist recently, and she had mentioned that, like, if our cup is depleted, it's hard to give to Others. Like, when our cup is overflowing, that's when we can give to other people and to our family and to our kids. So for me, I, have become very passionate about, writing for moms, having a podcast. I, have a podcast called, 2 mom, with Valerie spelled NP and my website, 2 mom is to love .com.

Valarie [00:06:27]:
That, has been kind of like my 4th child in a way. I have always wanted to be different as a mom. I, studied for motherhood, you know, Since I was a child, like, it was an examination, and I wanted it to be I wanna be perfect. I wanted an a plus On the motherhood exam. And so, you know, when my mom would yell or when she would do things, like, I would think in my head, I'm not gonna do it this way. Like, I'm I'm not gonna do it. I'm gonna be a different mom. And then, you know, I'm a nurse practitioner, so I, in study of pediatrics, I did a lot of child development classes.

Valarie [00:07:10]:
I knew in my head what I was gonna do Differently. But then once I became a mom, within 10 minutes, she was Taken away to the NICU and my illusion of control, all that studying I did, all of that just went away because it was like, I did not prepare for this. I didn't study for this. What am I supposed to do with this? And, it took me a long time to, address, like, those control issues. And, you know, we've had some procedures that we had to do in the NICU, and and, it was just It was so hard mentally for me to let go. And As a nurse practitioner, I saw things so much from the provider side. Mhmm. You know, like, I I know Mentally, like you know, sometimes too much where it's like I know all these things that could go wrong, but I don't know what it's Like, to be on the patient side, to be on the family side.

Valarie [00:08:16]:
And I just saw this, like, opportunity for moms need more support. We need more help In stressful situations or in just everyday life. Like, I isolated myself so much that 1st year. Just I don't know. Like, in our thoughts and in our hormones and all of that. And I just became so passionate about all of this that it's like, You know, I'm not perfect, like I was saying earlier, but how can I that doesn't mean I failed? Like, there's that growth mindset of, like, You know, it's just I keep learning. Everyone keeps learning, and we need community with us to support. So I try to get Moms together, give them resources.

Valarie [00:09:03]:
You know, I really wanna try to promote, some more, like, patient family advocacy in the hospitals, just to Really get the word out of, you know, hospitals and pediatric hospitals, they do such a great job taking care of kids, and I'm so appreciative of it. But a lot of times, they don't really talk about the mom part, And that's such an important part. Like, we're called by mom. We're not I'm sorry. We're not necessarily called by our name. Like, No one ever called me Valerie. They called me. Mom.

Valarie [00:09:35]:
Mom. Yeah. Mom, do you need help with this? Or mom, hold your baby down while we, You know, give them a shot or something like that. And so, you lose a bit of your identity. Yeah. And, like, as you're filling out that birth certificate For your baby, you're also filling out 1 for yourself in in a sense. And so how can we support ourselves? Like, maybe Yeah. I always said, like, pet therapy would be great for, like, like, for families, not just the patients.

Valarie [00:10:04]:
Like, we just need we need support. And, So there it is out there. It's just trying to find those resources. And,

G-Rex [00:10:13]:
yeah.

Valarie [00:10:13]:
So, I mean, that was kind of a long thing

Dirty Skittles [00:10:15]:
Oh, no.

Valarie [00:10:16]:
What I do.

Dirty Skittles [00:10:17]:
A couple of things that you said immediately, I can relate to. Right? Like, being a mom myself, I remember Isolating as well. And it wasn't necessarily like, I didn't have the the medical trauma of it all other than labor trauma, like, for myself. But But I just remember kind of also not being prepared. Right? Like, there's so much that I also thought, if ever I'm a mom one day, these are. This is how I will do these things, but not preparing for what it was like to actually give birth, how I felt about that moment, Having no support, I didn't even know it was a thing that I could feel this trauma giving birth to my son. So immediately after that, boom, you're mom. Right? Like, you are the provider for this child.

Dirty Skittles [00:11:05]:
You are learning to adapt and just be whatever that person now needs, and you completely lose yourself. And I didn't really realize it until we got home when we finally settled in our home in Georgia. I was taking a shower. This is, like, still the funniest thing ever. I was taking a shower, and one of the gifts that somebody had gotten us was mommy and me, Like, body wash, and I broke down crying because I was like, oh my god. I can take care of myself. It was That thought that, like, somebody has provided something to me that I can use to care for myself, and I still use that fucking body wash today. I love It's Athena Lavender body wash for anybody out there.

Dirty Skittles [00:11:45]:
Oh. But, it was just in that moment I realized I have neglected myself And something as simple as, like, a mom's body wash was sweet and amazing and wonderful. And And I think I'm still kind of honestly, it's been 6 years still learning to fill my own cup and not let it deplete all the time.

Valarie [00:12:08]:
Absolutely. Absolutely.

Dirty Skittles [00:12:11]:
You kind of make that adjustment from realizing that you were Isolating yourself, you had just had this experience with this child. Now you're a mom. Like, how did you kind of navigate back to Realizing you needed to take care of yourself.

Valarie [00:12:28]:
You know, it was a process, I will say. And I think the 1st time I realized it was one of our so a nanny that we were working with, she would come, like, twice a week, When gosh. I think this is when I had my second was a baby, and so my my older one was about 2a half ish or so. And she I don't know. I was just always nervous about everything. I was always like, just with all the NICU stuff, like, I was scared of germs, and I just didn't wanna take her anywhere. And like I was saying earlier, she's sober both, so talkative. And my nanny, she was like, you need to have her go out to playgrounds more.

Valarie [00:13:07]:
Like, you need to get out get out there more because, like, you can't just always be inside all the time. And I was like, yeah. That's a good point. But, like so I kind of, like, Took it in. I'm like, oh, yeah. I'll go and play around. So they're a little bit, but just I still kind of isolated myself. Like, always I think I was always Hypervigilant, looking for something that could possibly go wrong.

Valarie [00:13:28]:
And I know like, looking back on it now with the knowledge that I have, I know I had a lot of anxiety And trauma, you know, that I had to work through, and then, like, with my second, a little bit of OCD With that. But I went on a retreat, And this was when I was in Texas. And this retreat, I don't know, like, who thought of it, but it was a very intense 3 day retreat that, like, We were I don't know. It just like, with all the things that we like, we had to keep seeing specialists for a little bit. And then she's find out, but, like, we just were constantly going to doctor's visits, and it was taking a toll on me. So my husband was like, why don't you do this retreat? Like, a couple people have recommended it. And when I did it, it was very intense. It was like a mental health booth boot camp.

Valarie [00:14:22]:
Uh-huh. And, essentially, it was they held up a mirror to yourself, and that's what their goal was. And Through that retreat, I think I really learned a lot about me. And for example, like, one of the days, we were told to write on blocks. Well, first, we didn't know it was blocks. We were told to write on a piece of paper our negative off talk. So, like, for me, like, I have anxiety. I can get frustrated.

Valarie [00:14:53]:
I'm a perfectionist. Control. And I think I listed, like, 15 things on the page at least, because they give us a minute, and I have so much that I could

G-Rex [00:15:02]:
Can I get

Dirty Skittles [00:15:02]:
5 more minutes, please?

G-Rex [00:15:04]:
No. Yeah. I have more I have more. I can

Dirty Skittles [00:15:05]:
go in on this.

Valarie [00:15:08]:
And so then she said, okay. Take all those words, and here's a bunch of blocks. Write them on every single block. So each block has 1 word. And so I'm like, oh gosh. I probably shouldn't have written that much. But then, for an hour, They had us walk around the hotel with those blocks, and we looked ridiculous. There was about, like, 20 of us, And we're, like, walking around the spot.

Valarie [00:15:34]:
People were, like, opening up doors for us. It was insane. But at the time, okay. Maybe we're gonna learn a lesson from this. So, I remember I had already planned to meet my husband and my daughter at the time, and she was, you know, a toddler. So she saw me. It says it's, like, lunchtime. So, like, she saw me, and she wanted me to pick her up, but I was carrying all these blocks.

Valarie [00:15:59]:
Know. And so I had to put them down in order to pick her up. Right. And at the time, I'm like, okay. Whatever these blocks. But later on, we had to reflect on exercise. And Just something about that visualization

G-Rex [00:16:12]:
Mhmm.

Valarie [00:16:13]:
Like, really clicked with me. And, it was like, Gosh. I really do need to put down mental blocks of this negativity that I have. I have so much negative self talk. And, I mean, the retreat was kinda showing me my negative self talk is, like, going to eventually you know, that will impact my daughter one day and And all of this, like, this generational legacy thing, which I'm so passionate about because you don't even know sometimes you're infected by this, like, Frustration and worry, and it's so, so contagious to other people. You don't I mean, sometimes you don't you're not even aware what you're doing. Mhmm. So that retreat very much opened my eyes, and it wasn't like an immediate change.

Valarie [00:16:57]:
But I would say that was probably Most, impactful for me during those, like, early years of motherhood. And, another thing another exercise they had us do was, they're like little beans that they handed out. And, some people had, like, 3 beans. Some people didn't have any, but we didn't know the amount of the beans. And we were told to pick a partner and just keep saying over and over again, I need more medicine. The medicine was the beans. And you didn't know like, for example, I didn't have any beans, but my partner had 3 of them. And so the only thing she could say was to me was I need more medicine.

Valarie [00:17:35]:
And I had to just say I don't have any. I don't have any to give. And, it was just such an interesting visual of sometimes we Don't have that medicine. We don't have those beans. And, like, our kids, our family, work, whatever that may be, you know, like, that's why we have to, like, Fill our cups up and get get that medicine for ourselves again. Get all of that again in order to give to other people. And I just thought that was a beautiful illustration that they did. So just yeah.

Valarie [00:18:05]:
So Oh

Dirty Skittles [00:18:06]:
my god.

Valarie [00:18:07]:
Another long answer. So I

Dirty Skittles [00:18:08]:
know. This

G-Rex [00:18:09]:
is great. So So I actually have a question for both of you because you're both moms. Like, what do you do for self love and self care so that you can make sure that your cup is full when you're giving it out to other people?

Dirty Skittles [00:18:25]:
I I feel like this is the 2nd time I've been stumped on a question like That's which, you know, probably speaks volumes. It depends. I will be a a 100% admit I don't do it enough, And I don't realize I'm my cup is empty until, like, I am incredibly exhausted. Like, not not not so much physically, but mentally. Like, I am drained. I am tapped out, burnt out. Like, I'm done. And then I'm like, oh, I messed up again.

Dirty Skittles [00:18:59]:
Right? Like, you're like, oh, man. Like, how do I do that? But when I do Find signs of it earlier on. This is gonna sound silly, but my favorite thing to do for my self care It's to literally just sit in a quiet room with, like, a cup of coffee or, like, my favorite tea and just hear silence. Like, I just want it to be Quiet in my reflecting time, so getting better at

G-Rex [00:19:24]:
it. What

Dirty Skittles [00:19:26]:
about you, Valerie?

Valarie [00:19:29]:
I would say my, my big thing well, A couple of things that I've tried to work on is, like I was saying, that negative self talk. I try to practice, the habit of Doing positive self talk. So, I may not feel like I have anything positive to say to myself, but I try to take a mental back road of that as opposed to that highway. So I John Gottman, you know, he's a marriage researcher, says You should give 5 positives to 1 negative for, you know, marriages.

G-Rex [00:20:09]:
Mhmm.

Valarie [00:20:09]:
And they've said that for, like, Parenting and, you know, other relationships. But I like to think about it, like, for myself. So if I have one negative, How can I give myself 5 positives? And I don't want to do that sometimes, but, I try to work on that. I try to, like, Maybe even, like, write it in, like, my calendar or say or do something. And that helps me, like, kind of get out of my Get out of it, like my own head. But also, I know nature for me is very, like, Helpful. Like, I like, if I'm overwhelmed, it's helpful. Even, like, in the Chicago area, it can be so cold sometimes, but, like, if you dress, You know, if you dress enough layers.

Valarie [00:20:56]:
Right. Like, it's so important sometimes, and it's like that sunlight. And even if it's Cloudy day, like, getting out there for me. I will sometimes try to find little shapes on nature walks and, Little heart shapes that, like, the walnuts make. My daughter loves to look at those, so that helps fill my cup. And,

Dirty Skittles [00:21:16]:
yeah.

Valarie [00:21:17]:
So yeah.

Dirty Skittles [00:21:18]:
What about you, g rags? I think you like nature too. Right? Like, getting out and counting.

G-Rex [00:21:22]:
Yeah. So the way that I ground myself As part of myself, I'll at least have care. Is you know, if it if the weather's okay, I'll go outside and I'll ground myself. I I live on 8 forested acres, so I can go outside and, you know, look out into the woods and smell the fresh air and, just the crispiest crispness of the air. But the reason I asked about the self love and self care is This time last year, I wasn't doing that. I wasn't doing enough of that. And so by the time December rolled around, I had a massive mental breakdown. And I just I I try and preach it on almost every episode that we have because I find it it's so important that we remember to do that.

G-Rex [00:22:07]:
Right? Like, you've taken care of yourself, that you're you can find something to say to yourself that's about self love. Right? Because you're right. Negative talk gets in your head? And sometimes, it's really hard to get it back out. But, you know, for me, part of my self care, self love is the podcast. Because I get so much joy out of it. And I I I love the stories and the way that people have dealt with their own crap in their life, and I get to learn. So part of my self care and self love is also learning. But nature is huge for me.

Dirty Skittles [00:22:47]:
Yeah.

G-Rex [00:22:48]:
If but if it's too cold outside, I ain't going outside. That's the reason we work for a month. Right? It is crappy outside, and nobody's going outside.

Valarie [00:22:56]:
Mhmm. Mhmm.

Dirty Skittles [00:22:57]:
So, Valerie, something you said earlier, I'm curious about. You had mentioned, like, before being a mom, you You basically had, like, a blueprint. Like, this this is how I'm going to do these things. What what made you Think that far in advance.

Valarie [00:23:17]:
So that's something that I thought about a lot, in childhood. So I will say, like like I was saying before, That infection that my, like, my house growing up was infected, and it wasn't, like, with that virus or bacteria. It wasn't with anything like that. It was with Frustration and yelling. And, I feel like All I wanted growing up was for me to feel like I was good enough and that, No. I wanted to see smiles and not frowns, and I wanted, to just, I want it to be feel loved, I guess. And, sometimes, I think when we, view ourselves Or, like, our children as, extensions of whatever we didn't accomplish or, Kind of like something outside of who they are. It can get in their heads.

Valarie [00:24:27]:
And I think, a lot of my life Growing up was trying to please, please, you know, my parents and Kind of ascending this ladder that never ended. So, I think that For me, it was very important to know how would I do this differently. And, and and not to say like, my parents are doing the best that they could with the tools they had. I mean, no one's perfect, and, and that's the thing about generational legacy is, like, I, It was just I kind of saw it, I think, from a child perspective, more than I You know, more than I would have preferred to to see, but I felt very empowered To do things differently because I know how it feels like to be yelled at all the time. Like, I know how that feels. And, So when I notice me doing that, then I will try to work on those things. And, and that's all we can do. I mean, that's really all we can Do in the moment is to love.

Valarie [00:25:41]:
And I sometimes find that hard because I didn't have that example growing up. So I thought about, like, who is someone in my life that would smile? Because I was always searching for smiles. And my grandma, she smiled All the time to me. And I just loved going to visit her house, and, she had these pink walls and, just everything about Her house was love. Yeah. And, she had one of those, like, rain fountain, Lamps that from the seventies, y'all know what yeah. Yep. I love that thing.

Valarie [00:26:21]:
I I was young at the time, and I'm like, oh, this is so cool. And so I called her rain grandma, and so she was rain grandma. And rain grandma, like, I was always good enough for her, and what I remember most is her smile. And, So, great Rain Grandma, passed away in 2012, from dementia. And I remember even with dementia, she still smiled. And so I try to smile at my kids, like, for rain grandma, like, and to honor her legacy. So yeah. I think with my upbringing, that's something that I still work on.

Valarie [00:26:58]:
Like, I I don't I don't know All the answers as to how to be good enough because I honestly don't know How to intrinsically say that. But, again, it's that growth mindset. It's, I may not be there right now, But that doesn't mean not yet. And I keep working on that, and I keep working on that not only for myself, but also for my children, Because it's important to love yourself. Yeah. So I just really think that compassion piece is so important. And to kinda think of myself as an inner child and how I was, I remember really enjoying history. I still do.

Valarie [00:27:47]:
So I, took out a value list, one day and thought about what values do I have? Like, what does my inner child like to do. When I play with my kids, when do I feel like I'm playing? And, we talked about, like, nature a little bit. I like to do nature, but also traveling. And so, and that's not feasible all the time. But now that my kids are getting older, like, I decided, you know, why don't we go, I go travel places. Like, I love exercise. So I, signed up last year for a half marathon, In Sedona. Wow.

Valarie [00:28:24]:
I was like, Sedona will make me train for it. Like, can we do this? It's That's great. That sounds awesome. Yeah. It actually was amazing. Like, it's every February. I highly encourage it. It was great.

Valarie [00:28:38]:
Like, it was the best run I've ever had. And I don't really do half marathons much, but that was my second one. But, Anyway, I'm kind of going on a tangent with it, but it just kind of like having those values and really, knowing what those are. And those are different For everyone. You know? Like, we all have values, and we all have something that makes us, makes us sparkle inside. Yeah. And I think our inner child is the key to that, and I think my inner child for a long time was probably locked away because I was so, You know, worried about pleasing others that I didn't know how to please myself. So

G-Rex [00:29:17]:
Yeah.

Valarie [00:29:18]:
Now I'm kinda

G-Rex [00:29:19]:
Yeah.

Valarie [00:29:20]:
Checking out and that Yeah. Absolutely. That's awesome. I think, you know, with all the, gosh. I for the longest time this is something that I know It's different for everyone. But for the longest time, I was very hesitant to get my mental health addressed because it showed a sign of weakness. And this I love about your episode as you put that out into the open. And because it is so important, like I feel like we all need to talk to someone.

Valarie [00:29:50]:
We all like, it's okay not to be okay. And that's part of being human. It's part of living. And so, it's just something that I, for years, didn't want to, like, go on, medication or anything people are like, well, you do have a little bit of OCD. Like, I can obsess about worst case scenario. So I remember, a therapist I finally Had seen recommended me to go on medication. I'm like, well, no. I don't wanna do that.

Valarie [00:30:19]:
The side effects and the stigma and oh my gosh. I finally went on it about 3 years later. It took me a long time too. But once I did, it was like I don't know. Like, I have really bad eyesight. Like, kinda comparing it to that. Like, I didn't know when I was younger how To see clearly. Like, I didn't know that was normal to or I didn't know what I was seeing was I guess, I don't wanna use the word abnormal because no one is.

Valarie [00:30:47]:
But, Like, there's a different way of viewing worlds, and I wasn't opened up to that, for me until I started

G-Rex [00:30:55]:
that medication. And I was like, oh my gosh.

Valarie [00:30:55]:
Like, this is just I feel like a different person. And and I was like, oh my gosh. Like, this is just I feel like a different person. And, again, I know that not everyone responds to medications that way, there's different medications out there. And maybe not even medication. Like, maybe it's therapy or whatever that is, but seeking that help and seeking that, you know, that outside out. Because whenever there's a thunderstorm, you know, outside the community comes out, like, Say there's damage, like a tornado or something. You know? People help.

Valarie [00:31:24]:
But when you have an internal thunderstorm

G-Rex [00:31:27]:
Mhmm.

Valarie [00:31:27]:
It's just as It can be just as damaging.

Dirty Skittles [00:31:30]:
Mhmm.

Valarie [00:31:31]:
And seeking that outside help, we do need to do sometimes. And so I just really Love advocating for that, whatever that may be for you.

Dirty Skittles [00:31:43]:
Yeah. That's huge that that that resonates because Same here. Like, as open I'm I think I'm only open about mental health and going to therapy now because of how rewarding it was, Sort of similar to what you just stated. Like, I knew I should. Right? Like, I was like, yeah. I should probably talk to somebody about all this Trauma that I've had in in my childhood, but after doing it and finding a therapist, first of all, that it just clicked. We worked well together. Once I got to a point where I could get some closure and let go of of that and and realize that it wasn't something I had to keep carrying with me every day.

Dirty Skittles [00:32:24]:
I never would have thought the relief that I felt then was ever possible. Like, I was like, you mean I have been Spending, you know, years traumatized by this childhood, and I, you know, in a year of of being with a therapist, have been able to breathe. Like, it was like breathing again. Like, you I've been holding my breath for 30 something years, and finally, I could breathe a little bit clearer and and happier. So huge advocate for for therapy.

G-Rex [00:32:54]:
Me too. 10 months in, and, like, it's night and day. Right? So, like, the whole shitstorm started happening right around this time last year. You know? And it just kept getting worse and worse and worse. And, you know, for me, like, I just couldn't find my voice. Right? I couldn't find my voice. I my footing. You know? Christmas Day rolls around.

G-Rex [00:33:18]:
Like I said, you know, 988, thank you for picking up. Thank God my wife was home. Thank God. You know? Some higher power said it wasn't my turn. Because on this side of depression, I'm so I'm set I'm so much happier. Right? So I'm gonna tell you guys both something because when you get into your sixties, like I am now, your inner child wants to come out a whole lot more than it did when I was in my forties? Mhmm. So I find that like, I get joy in things that I I like doing it as a kid. Right? So I love to call them.

G-Rex [00:33:51]:
I love to, like, tinker around with things. I'm not mechanical by any by any means. My wife would tell you that for sure. But, like, my inner child comes out a lot more now. And I just because I just don't care. Right? I don't care like I used to. I care about my happiness and, you know, just making the best out of, you know, the years that I have left and Mhmm. And finding my passion.

G-Rex [00:34:18]:
And I I did. I found my passion with the podcast and, You know? Getting to do the things that that I wanna do. Right? I'm a huge advocate for therapy. You know, like you said, Valerie, we need to remove the stigma around that and really normalize how we talk about it because it affects everybody. It affects moms, dads, kids. You know, it can affect your pets. It affects everything. So, you know, being open and honest and, you know, seeking that help.

G-Rex [00:34:51]:
When I started to, share my story on social media, you know, people were reaching out. You know? Thank God for my friends because they prop me up when I couldn't prop myself up. And but I had other people reach out and thank me for sharing my story because now they weren't so traumatized and and terrified about their own what they were going through that they actually seek help. So, like I said, I'm just super thankful. And, Yeah. Let's let's just keep normalizing how we talk about it because it's really important.

Valarie [00:35:25]:
Absolutely. Yeah. Really is. Mhmm. I Yeah. And I agree. Yeah. I appreciate what you guys are doing because this is and this is it.

Valarie [00:35:35]:
Like, talking about it, Normalizing it, having community, having fun along the way, like, it's it's wonderful. Like, character not a character, but a person in history that I Look to sometimes, I find it so interesting as with Abraham Lincoln. He suffered a lot of mental health issues and, had, essentially, like, a very it's childhood was, His mom died of, milk sickness, which was, like, part of the cattle, had, in I think it was in Illinois, At the time anyway, he was young and then, other early deaths. And he said, He's the most miserable man living, and, there's many, documents of that, and most historians agree that he was, did have major depression. But, he still I I feel like, you know, it it's just well, a couple things, like, where he's just That that enslaved with his thoughts. You know? He was so like, it just he he really sometimes had those enslaved thoughts, but at the same time, he kept moving forward. And, you know, he is such an important figure in history. And, you know, wonder you know, obviously, they didn't have resources back then that they did.

Valarie [00:36:56]:
But just Someone like that. I mean, it everyone experiences that. You know? Everyone experiences mental health issues. Like, that's just It's part of living, and I also like to think of the brain, because I love I love neuroscience. And, there's, like, the emotional part of the brain and The, logical part of the brain. And all animals have, like, that fight, fight, or or freeze amygdala part, and, That's so important for survival, but we have, like, this logical part that sometimes gets us into trouble because Not all the time. Like, our our fear isn't always necessarily true. Like, it can be a tornado siren.

Valarie [00:37:42]:
Like, They may be testing the siren or they may be it'd be a real tornado. It sounds the same. It feels the same. Sometimes, like, it feels like I'm being torn up inside, like, from an anxiety standpoint, and one's an entirely false alarm. And how many times, like, in our lives do we, like, kind of respond to that? But that is being human. And, I'm just saying, like, like, thinking of it, I think when I visualize it, it's for my brain. I think it helps normalize it a little bit for me where I'm like, okay. That's like a highway that I have from my, emotional brain going to, logical brain.

Valarie [00:38:22]:
So let me try and take a back road and Maybe be my more mindful in the moment or do whatever in the moment, like exercising. And that's also the reason why I like to, like, do, like, the running and stuff because I feel like it's baby steps. You know, like, maybe I'm gonna do just a little bit today, but then I'll keep going and Keep creating new pathways. And some days are easier than others. So

Dirty Skittles [00:38:46]:
Yeah. I have Three questions. You don't have to answer them. We're gonna start with this one.

Valarie [00:38:54]:
Okay. Far.

Dirty Skittles [00:38:57]:
Your life in general doesn't have to just be motherhood, but your life in general. What is the biggest lesson that you've learned?

Valarie [00:39:09]:
I think that perfection is overrated is what I have learned. Yeah.

Dirty Skittles [00:39:16]:
It's subjective as well. What's perfect to me is not perfect to my 6 year old.

G-Rex [00:39:22]:
Yeah. Yeah.

Valarie [00:39:24]:
What about your learning to let go?

G-Rex [00:39:28]:
What is the biggest work that's been done? Asking for help. It that it it's okay to ask for help.

Dirty Skittles [00:39:37]:
Yes. Okay. For you, Valerie, looking back on your life until today, is there anything that if you could go back and change, you would? And if so, why?

Valarie [00:39:54]:
Oh, I mean, My initial thought was maybe I would, like, do the whole medical school thing and do that, but I'm glad I took the pass that I did, and I don't know. I mean

Dirty Skittles [00:40:12]:
I'm the same with how

G-Rex [00:40:14]:
Yeah.

Dirty Skittles [00:40:14]:
With like, when I think about where I've or what I've gone through. Right. There there's definite negative things that, like, if I could not have taken this path. You know? But in the end, it led me to where I am now. So

Valarie [00:40:30]:
it's hard

Dirty Skittles [00:40:30]:
it's hard to say, oh, I wouldn't have done that. You know? But yeah.

Valarie [00:40:35]:
For the longest time, I was upset that I Moved to Texas. It was a random move to Texas. I was just like, oh, I'll just go to Texas. Like, Austin sounds fun. So Never would have done that. Like, I was, like, young in my twenties, and I was upset because, like, I just didn't know anyone. It was different than college. And I'm like, I was just lonely.

Valarie [00:40:55]:
And so a long for a while, I was like, oh, I wish I never did this, but it allowed me to Grow. I mean, I needed that. I needed that difficult time, and I met my husband there. And so, like, life just there's reasons for everything even if it is, like, Challenging times.

Dirty Skittles [00:41:12]:
Yeah. Yeah. What about you, Gerex?

G-Rex [00:41:15]:
For me, if I could do it over again, I would have tried to open up sooner about how depressed I was. Because by the time it hit me, I was completely terrified. And I've been able to, like, let my let my wife know what was going on. That if I could if that would that would be, like, the only thing I would change. It was like you guys. You know what? There are times in my life that I needed to grow, and there's been some really crappy things that have happened. But I wouldn't be where I am today if it hadn't gone through all that other crap. So Yeah.

G-Rex [00:41:50]:
You know, I'm I'm I'm pretty okay with my life.

Valarie [00:41:55]:
Okay. Softening.

Dirty Skittles [00:41:56]:
Next question. What would you tell an earlier version of yourself?

Valarie [00:42:02]:
That you're enough.

G-Rex [00:42:03]:
That's what I would think.

Dirty Skittles [00:42:04]:
I love that. What about you, dear ex?

G-Rex [00:42:08]:
You got me stumped. So give me a minute, and and I'm gonna answer that.

Dirty Skittles [00:42:13]:
I feel like while you're thinking, I feel like, Valerie, you need shirts if if you don't already have merch that says you are enough. Oh, that's a good idea.

G-Rex [00:42:21]:
Yeah. I would wear

Dirty Skittles [00:42:22]:
I'd wear the shit out of it.

Valarie [00:42:24]:
Oh, yeah. Yes. I know. I don't I think I'm advertising some national park on my shirt

G-Rex [00:42:28]:
right now. Yeah. Acadia. Oh my

Dirty Skittles [00:42:30]:
god. I am,

Valarie [00:42:30]:
advertising Nantucket, not because of it.

Dirty Skittles [00:42:33]:
But it's because we were there, and it cold, and I bought a sweater.

G-Rex [00:42:37]:
I'm I'm advertising pink. So, okay. What would I so for me, I would probably go to my 16 year old self. And I would I would say to myself that just live, like, nothing you've mentioned. Right? I don't don't worry about the past.

Dirty Skittles [00:43:07]:
Love that. Mhmm. Love that. I have 1 last question. Before I ask it to Rex. Did you have any that you wanted to squeeze in?

G-Rex [00:43:17]:
No. I I I just really wanted to thank Valerie Yes. For, like, her perspective on motherhood because There are so many moms out there that feel lost. Right? That they don't feel like they have any community, or they don't know where to go. And your podcasting, your website. I mean, like, everything is is so empowering to to the moms out there, and I really thank you for for doing that. Because as I was growing up, you know, we didn't have a lot of that. And it it's what's great about podcasts and Mhmm.

G-Rex [00:43:49]:
And the and the Internet now not the bad part of the Internet. The biggest part of the Internet is that we can share information. Right? And it's in, like, might size pieces of information that people can take, run with it, and and feel empowered to, you know, feel like feel their feelings. So I I can't I can't thank you enough for what you do to the motherhood community. I am not a mom Unless you you count the 8 cats. But, you know, both of you being moms, you know, I I applaud you. I believe you. So

Valarie [00:44:26]:
Thank you so much. Yeah. Thank you. I really appreciate that.

Dirty Skittles [00:44:29]:
To tag on to that, I just wanna thank you also for just being vulnerable. Like, I feel like you've been very vulnerable and, like, sharing with us, and I just wanna thank you for that because that is Yeah. That's amazing. Okay.

Valarie [00:44:42]:
You. My last that.

Dirty Skittles [00:44:43]:
My last question for you is what's next for you?

Valarie [00:44:48]:
Well, I, so many things. But I say I have a book that I wanna get published, so that would be next. To mom is to love is important to me because it's essentially the verb of a mom. So, like, we, you know, our title is mom as a noun, but when we think of the verb, Merriam Webster defines it as to give birth or to rise or care for and protect. And if you think about What does all those things? It's love. Mhmm. And so to live our verb. And, so to get that book published is kind of the next Big thing that I wanna do, to empower moms and continue the podcast and continue just offering any way I can.

Valarie [00:45:42]:
I just absolutely love and feel so passionate about what I do. And then just living in the moment with my kids because, Gosh. It goes so fast. It really does. It

Dirty Skittles [00:45:52]:
does. So where can I list where can our listeners find you?

Valarie [00:45:57]:
So you can check me out at my website, to mom is to love.com, and that will give you links to my podcast as well, which is available on Spotify, Apple, and Google. And I also have a blog where I write on there, and then I'll have any updates. And, feel free to subscribe, to my I have a monthly newsletter as well as to my podcast.

Dirty Skittles [00:46:25]:
It's okay to be not okay. Just make sure you're