When the Red Flags Fly: Krista's Mental Health Journey, Part 1

[00:00:06] Hey there, listeners. Welcome to Shit That Goes Under Our Heads, the podcast where we normalize conversations around mental health.

[00:00:13] That's right. I'm Dirty Skittles and alongside my amazing co-host, G-Rex, we are here to share stories and tips from our incredible guests.

[00:00:21] Each episode, we deep dive into struggles and triumphs of mental health, offering practical advice and heartfelt support.

[00:00:28] Because no one should feel alone in their journey. Join us as we break the stigma and build a community of understanding and compassion.

[00:00:35] Tune in and let's start talking about the shit that goes on in our heads.

[00:00:44] 3, 2, 1. Welcome back to another episode of Shit That Goes On In Our Heads.

[00:00:50] Today, I have my amazing co-host, Dirty Skittles, and we have an awesome guest. We have Krista with us today.

[00:00:56] Thank you so much for joining us.

[00:00:58] Welcome.

[00:00:58] Hello. Thank you for having me. I am thrilled to be here.

[00:01:03] I'm so excited to hear your story. I was peeking at some notes that you, Rex, took when you guys had your pre-interview.

[00:01:10] And I understand you've got a story to tell. Like you have gone through, I guess, like a journey of transformation from where you started to where you are today.

[00:01:20] Can you maybe dive into that a little bit?

[00:01:25] Absolutely. I... Where do I begin?

[00:01:32] I understand there's like an X, but...

[00:01:35] Yes. There for sure is an X. So I have lived in Nashville now, geez, coming upon like 20-ish years, I guess. Yeah, about 20 years.

[00:01:47] I moved here, finished my degree at college at Belmont and jumped right into the professional world.

[00:01:57] Didn't really date a lot while I was here in college.

[00:02:01] And right out of... Right after graduation, getting this opportunity right out of school, using my degree, you know, just getting into that professional working world,

[00:02:11] not really even thinking about dating anyone and just trying to do my best and climb the ranks right in the corporate world.

[00:02:20] And just so happened, somebody got hired in another department.

[00:02:24] I noticed him, but I wasn't like, ooh, that... He didn't really see my type.

[00:02:31] And we kind of just became friendly. We have this mutual appreciation for music, all different types of music.

[00:02:38] Living here in Nashville, of course, there's a lot of country music, but there's also lots of other types of music too.

[00:02:43] All different genres thrive here really in Nashville and come through here.

[00:02:50] And so we were just listening to different types of music like on this company shared playlist.

[00:02:55] And he had instant messaged me like, oh, you should check this person out. I think you might really like them.

[00:03:03] Okay, check them out. Enjoy what they're doing. Okay, I'm kind of into this. That's cool.

[00:03:09] Fast forward a month or two later, I noticed that this artist is making a stop in Nashville on a tour.

[00:03:15] And this was in a local newspaper, by the way, I realized many people may not still realize those exist.

[00:03:21] But rewind back 15 years ago. No, I'm kidding.

[00:03:24] I know a lot of those local, especially the local indie scene. Those periodicals are still out there.

[00:03:31] Anyway, I was slipping through one. Notice that artist was coming to town.

[00:03:34] Cut it out. Put it on his desk and was like, hey, look.

[00:03:38] I wasn't inviting him to go see this person.

[00:03:42] But just like an observation. Hey, look who's coming to town.

[00:03:47] So he comes back to me. Oh, hey, yeah, I saw. I think you left something on my desk.

[00:03:52] You want to go check that person out?

[00:03:55] Okay, sure. Fine. Sounds like a good idea.

[00:03:59] Again, just seems like a friendly hang, right?

[00:04:01] Well, this concert is a month or so away.

[00:04:03] So over that period of time, it goes from, oh, we're just kind of meeting out to now coworkers are hearing that we're meeting out.

[00:04:11] And it kind of becomes this little buzz. Oh, is this a date? You know what's going on?

[00:04:16] So it essentially becomes a date. He never asked me on the date, but people are like, is it a date?

[00:04:21] I don't know. Does he want it to be a date? I guess it could be a date.

[00:04:25] He doesn't really seem like my thing, but I don't know. Let's just see where it goes if he wants it to be a date.

[00:04:31] So it kind of becomes a day we go, we have fun.

[00:04:34] I have more fun than I expect that I'm going to have. And a week or two later, it's like, oh, it kind of seems like maybe we're a thing.

[00:04:45] So we date, we have lots of fun, we find lots of common interests, and we date for, gosh, about a year or so.

[00:04:54] And then next thing you know, there's a ring.

[00:05:00] And like just kind of the natural progression of things, right?

[00:05:04] And two, I'm thinking like, oh my gosh, that I've always been a very loyal person.

[00:05:10] And like when you're my person, you're my person.

[00:05:12] I, in high school and even before I had moved to Nashville in college when I was dating, like I've never been the cheating type.

[00:05:20] I've never been even like, ooh, what's this over here?

[00:05:23] I'm always, I've been a very loyal person.

[00:05:26] And so certainly throughout that dating relationship, that's where I was.

[00:05:34] That's where my head was.

[00:05:35] And I'm imagining a future with this person.

[00:05:38] Like life's too short.

[00:05:40] Why, you know, if I wasn't in this, I would have cut ties months ago, right?

[00:05:44] So anyway, he proposes, we get married.

[00:05:47] And I'm thinking I'm riding off into the sunset with my, you know, perfect Prince Charming.

[00:05:53] Let's find that house on the outskirts of Nashville with the little white picket fence.

[00:05:58] And, you know, maybe in a couple of years, talk about a family and all of this.

[00:06:03] So, so we get married and I'm thinking that's what the plan is.

[00:06:11] And I kind of branch out off on my own professionally.

[00:06:17] I had just gotten to the point where I wasn't feeling fulfilled in that job position.

[00:06:21] And he had supported me and like breaking off and doing my own thing.

[00:06:24] He stayed there for a little bit.

[00:06:25] But I, while doing my own professional thing, I then did get another career opportunity, which was something that I felt like I couldn't turn down.

[00:06:35] And it was really in line with my passion.

[00:06:38] He had then since also moved on into another career path.

[00:06:42] And something I'd noticed with him was he was always kind of re-deciding what he wanted to be, like reinventing himself professionally.

[00:06:51] For me, I kind of knew what my next steps were, kind of like where I was looking to go and what I wanted to do.

[00:06:58] For him, it always seemed like, oh, well, this year I'm going to be a customer service professional.

[00:07:05] And this year I'm going to be a sales professional.

[00:07:08] And this year I'm going to be doing printing services.

[00:07:13] And then this year I'm going to be a mortgage loan originator, which that's ultimately doing mortgages is where he stayed for a while.

[00:07:21] But it always seemed like he was just professionally taking all of these different rabbit trails in different directions.

[00:07:27] But I'm thinking, like, I'm loving him through this as long as he seems to be happy and we're both bringing in an income to our household.

[00:07:37] I mean, that's what's important.

[00:07:39] And we're supporting each other.

[00:07:41] Unbeknownst to me, there were lots of things brewing beneath the surface.

[00:07:47] And I had gone down this route professionally where living in Nashville, I always wanted to be in the music industry.

[00:07:57] And had even while I was in college, lots of my friends had branched off and gone into the music industry.

[00:08:05] And I remained in touch with a lot of those people.

[00:08:08] So just through different networking relationships, I was kind of always like one degree away from kind of being in the music industry.

[00:08:15] Well, I had done a little bit of some contract work with a local organization in the music industry.

[00:08:22] And it just so happened a job opening came to be there.

[00:08:26] And I thought, I'll throw my name in the ring.

[00:08:27] We'll see what happens.

[00:08:29] So I start working there.

[00:08:32] And again, unbeknownst to me, all of these things are brewing in the surface.

[00:08:36] But it seems like especially work, like starting that career position for me, for him, that's also when things really started brewing beneath the surface, even more so.

[00:08:46] Again, I know all of this only now knowing all of the things I know.

[00:08:50] I was so oblivious.

[00:08:52] I was so naive.

[00:08:53] I truly had no idea the things that he was doing and the ways that our relationship was being violated.

[00:09:03] But anyway, the long and short of it is I get in this opportunity within the music industry, which required me now to have a further commute because we were living in a suburb.

[00:09:15] I still live in a suburb of Nashville.

[00:09:17] But this job was right in Nashville on Music Row.

[00:09:21] So I was having to, you know, five days a week drive in.

[00:09:24] I was having to travel a bit.

[00:09:25] At this point, we didn't have kids.

[00:09:28] And I was just very preoccupied.

[00:09:31] This was like a dream job.

[00:09:32] And I'm so excited.

[00:09:34] I also became the breadwinner in the family, which again, ding, that was apparently a trigger for him.

[00:09:41] And whereas in my position, I'm thinking, well, this is great.

[00:09:45] Like this isn't a race or a competition of who is the highest income earner.

[00:09:52] This is who is like, we all need to be bringing in money for the household so that we can plan for our future, plan for that family, plan to buy that house with a white picket fence that I thought we both wanted.

[00:10:05] Right.

[00:10:05] So anyway, fast forward.

[00:10:10] I am in the throes of a project, like really just preoccupied with work.

[00:10:17] And I'm starting to notice some things with him, though, when I am home, like he would take his phone and kind of shield it from me.

[00:10:25] When we'd be sitting on the couch and I would be like, what are you doing?

[00:10:29] Oh, I'm just playing a game.

[00:10:30] Well, you don't need to hide your phone from somebody when you're playing a game.

[00:10:34] Right.

[00:10:34] And I, and, but in my mind, I'm thinking, okay, well, that's kind of weird.

[00:10:38] And at one point too, I even asked him like, Hey, can I see your phone?

[00:10:41] Sure.

[00:10:42] He let me look through his phone, couldn't find anything.

[00:10:46] And so, okay, well, that's kind of odd.

[00:10:49] That's strange.

[00:10:49] So one day I'm at work and I get a call from a, an acquaintance who I hadn't seen in quite some time.

[00:10:58] And she actually called my desk phone, which I thought was weird because she has my cell phone.

[00:11:03] It would be odd for her to call.

[00:11:05] Like I don't hand my work line out to friends.

[00:11:09] And she was like, where are you?

[00:11:11] Where are you?

[00:11:11] You're at work.

[00:11:12] Right.

[00:11:12] I'm like, well, you called my desk phone.

[00:11:14] Yeah.

[00:11:15] And she is like, well, okay.

[00:11:18] So he's not around.

[00:11:19] Well, who's he?

[00:11:20] Your husband.

[00:11:22] Nope.

[00:11:22] Definitely not.

[00:11:23] He's at work.

[00:11:23] I'm at work on my desk line.

[00:11:26] Okay.

[00:11:26] Well, Hey, I need to talk with you about something.

[00:11:29] Can you just let me know when you have a couple of minutes?

[00:11:32] Well, I have some time now because you've really got my attention.

[00:11:34] What's going on?

[00:11:36] So she basically tells me she had gone out a couple of weeks prior and had seen him at dinner

[00:11:45] with another woman and it didn't look professional.

[00:11:49] Okay.

[00:11:50] That takes a lot of guts for somebody to call.

[00:11:53] You know, we're not super close, but like it takes a lot of guts to say, Hey, I'm noticing

[00:11:58] something you just want you to be aware.

[00:12:02] And okay.

[00:12:03] Well, thank you for that information.

[00:12:04] I am scathing now.

[00:12:07] Like what the heck?

[00:12:08] Yeah.

[00:12:10] I confront him as soon as I get home and well, she doesn't know what she's talking about.

[00:12:14] And, you know, she, I don't know what she thinks she saw.

[00:12:20] I was out with, I had been out networking within the last couple of weeks and I'd exchanged

[00:12:26] cards with a realtor.

[00:12:28] So he was doing mortgages at that time.

[00:12:30] I'd exchanged cards with a realtor and we were at dinner, you know, talking about potential

[00:12:34] referral opportunities between each other.

[00:12:36] Okay.

[00:12:37] Seems like a good enough answer, but I'm also still like, this just doesn't seem right.

[00:12:43] Yeah.

[00:12:53] The red flag had been up, but now it's up a little higher, but I'm also just like, I don't

[00:12:59] have any hard evidence to pin on him.

[00:13:02] Right.

[00:13:03] So we go on, life goes on a couple of weeks later, I find out I'm pregnant and very happy.

[00:13:12] Like there's no good time to have the job changed by the house, have the baby.

[00:13:17] Right.

[00:13:17] And so I'm just elated and not knowing what I'm getting into, of course.

[00:13:24] And also y'all, I was half baked at this point.

[00:13:28] And what I mean by that is, I mean, I was like 23 weeks along, so 22, 23 weeks.

[00:13:37] And I just thought, so she was conceived around the holidays, which like we mentioned before

[00:13:43] we started recording my birthdays in December, Thanksgiving, right?

[00:13:47] He had a December, has a December birthday.

[00:13:50] You've got all of these things going on.

[00:13:51] I'm thinking I've just made the holidays all of a feast.

[00:13:56] We're starting the new year and I'm just, I've gained lots of weight.

[00:14:01] I also, because of the craziness of the job and these life things that were happening where

[00:14:07] I was just on edge, I was not tracking my cycles.

[00:14:10] So it did not occur to me, you know what?

[00:14:13] You're a couple months behind.

[00:14:14] You're a couple months late.

[00:14:15] So silly me, the importance of tracking.

[00:14:21] So anyway, he's excited.

[00:14:24] I'm excited.

[00:14:25] And two, now I'm kind of, I've still got this little thing, the little red flag back here,

[00:14:30] like, but something's not right.

[00:14:31] And but what is it?

[00:14:32] But now you're pregnant and now you've really got to prepare for the future in a big way.

[00:14:36] You're over halfway along.

[00:14:39] And so we put it out on social media, sharing on Facebook, sharing on social to, of course,

[00:14:44] telling our family, our friends.

[00:14:46] A week or so after putting it out on social media, I get a Facebook message from a stranger.

[00:14:53] They are an anonymous individual because side note, you can contact people through messenger

[00:15:00] without it being linked to a Facebook profile.

[00:15:03] This was not something I knew.

[00:15:04] So they had made up an anonymous messenger to message me and basically just said,

[00:15:11] Hey, I'm so sorry to tell you this at this time.

[00:15:14] I just want to let you know that I've been sleeping with your husband for the last couple

[00:15:20] of years.

[00:15:21] I'm sorry to tell you in this way, but given the news you just shared, I wanted to be

[00:15:27] sure you knew and I'm ready to move on with my life.

[00:15:31] And I'm sorry for what I did.

[00:15:32] I'm sorry for how this is going to affect you.

[00:15:35] Okay.

[00:15:36] Bomb dropped.

[00:15:38] Right.

[00:15:38] Right.

[00:15:39] And I'm thinking this is a joke.

[00:15:40] This can't be real.

[00:15:42] This is a really cruel joke.

[00:15:45] And the whole reason I had even seen that message, I had gotten up because being pregnant,

[00:15:50] I felt like I was peeing every hour of the day and especially at like three o'clock in

[00:15:54] the morning.

[00:15:55] So now I'm laying in bed, can't go back to sleep.

[00:15:57] I wasn't about to wake him up.

[00:15:59] I messaged this person and just say, if this is true, prove it.

[00:16:04] There must be some evidence.

[00:16:05] So prove what you're saying.

[00:16:09] So the next day comes along, I'm out at a site visit with some coworkers and I get another

[00:16:16] message from this person.

[00:16:17] And now they've shared pictures and it's not pictures of them together, but it is pictures.

[00:16:25] He has sent her and very clearly, he sent her dick pics and I'm like, oh yeah, I recognize

[00:16:34] that mole.

[00:16:35] Okay.

[00:16:36] And well, that's his hand and that's his wedding band.

[00:16:40] Those are our bed sheets very clearly.

[00:16:43] Like I picked those, that damask, damask, however you say it, that pattern of those bed

[00:16:49] sheets, not something you can just buy.

[00:16:51] And we weren't even using AI at that time.

[00:16:56] So, but I'm sitting here, you know, my mind is like, how can I make this not real?

[00:17:01] Like what she sent this to me and this cannot be real, but it is, I'm having this exchange

[00:17:07] with this person.

[00:17:08] And so I tell my coworkers, I've got to go.

[00:17:12] I'm going through something personally.

[00:17:14] I'm packing up.

[00:17:15] I need to go talk with my husband.

[00:17:17] I guess I'll be on, I don't know.

[00:17:20] I might not be available.

[00:17:21] I'm sure I'll be back tomorrow, but I've got to go.

[00:17:24] So I call him and just demand.

[00:17:26] He meets me at the house immediately.

[00:17:28] He comes home.

[00:17:30] I confront him with what I found.

[00:17:32] I show him the pictures.

[00:17:33] He immediately starts spoon feeding me the BS like master.

[00:17:40] Like, I've got to give him credit because the stories that he can just come up with out of

[00:17:48] nowhere.

[00:17:51] It just blows my mind at the same time, you know, looking back on it all now, I think through

[00:17:56] it and I replay those conversations and I'm like, Krista, obviously that was so far fetched,

[00:18:04] but I was also in family preservation mode, just thinking I'm about to have this baby.

[00:18:10] And I didn't go into this thinking I was going to do this alone.

[00:18:15] I don't want to do this alone, but at the same time, I don't want to be partnered with a liar

[00:18:21] and with somebody who is going to gaslight me and make me think all these things that aren't true.

[00:18:28] So anyway, he tells me that somebody is playing a joke on him and it's a really cool joke.

[00:18:36] And, you know, he's so sorry that this has affected me, but this is not real.

[00:18:41] He had, he was feeling really low because his dad had passed away earlier within that year.

[00:18:51] And ever since then, he had just struggled with, you know, self-confidence.

[00:18:59] And, but meanwhile, I was the one initiating intimacy with him and getting declined.

[00:19:04] I mean, I must've been fertile Myrtle truly.

[00:19:07] Cause I can count on like one hand, the number of times it took to conceive the sweet baby.

[00:19:12] And he was constantly like, oh, I just don't feel it.

[00:19:17] You know, not right now, not ready.

[00:19:19] But his story was, he was lacking such self-confidence that he had taken pics of himself,

[00:19:29] put them on this, I guess there was a Reddit thread or some type.

[00:19:33] I am not well-versed in Reddit and the world of Reddit, but apparently there's some type of area.

[00:19:40] Rate my penis, rate my, there's all of these like rate my eyes, rate my eyes.

[00:19:46] Is it weird that I know exactly what you're talking about?

[00:19:49] I don't know.

[00:19:50] Yeah, it's a thing.

[00:19:52] It's a thing.

[00:19:52] Got it.

[00:19:52] So he, in order to hear from people, like, I guess, get his comp, his ego, you know, fluffed up.

[00:20:03] He put these photos on there supposedly to get rated.

[00:20:07] And he, sorry.

[00:20:10] Clearly, he made a comment in another forum that somebody didn't like.

[00:20:16] And they somehow traced his Reddit handle from a thread about Game of Thrones or football over to this rate my penis thread and decided to blackmail him or troll him and like turn me against him.

[00:20:38] Telling these lines.

[00:20:40] Y'all.

[00:20:41] I mean, this is such a mess.

[00:20:42] It must have been one hell of a comment that he left to piss somebody off that they realized not to.

[00:20:48] Right.

[00:20:48] And I'm just sitting, I'm sitting here.

[00:20:50] I'm like, I don't even, none of this makes sense to me.

[00:20:53] But in that moment, I was like, okay, this third party, the first one, you know, a month or so ago reached out saying she saw you at dinner.

[00:21:02] Like, I'm piecing all this in my mind.

[00:21:03] One person has reached out.

[00:21:05] Now a second person has reached out.

[00:21:07] I am already sensing in my gut that something is going on.

[00:21:12] And I don't know what it is.

[00:21:13] But these people are finding me and telling me, like, okay, Lord, how, like, what's going to happen next?

[00:21:21] And little did I know.

[00:21:23] So, but I, in that moment, I drew the line in the sand.

[00:21:26] And I just said, we need to go to counseling.

[00:21:29] You need to go to counseling.

[00:21:31] We need to get this figured out because, and I'm like holding my pregnant belly.

[00:21:37] And I'm just like, I don't want to do this alone.

[00:21:40] But I'm telling you right now, if anything else happens, if I find out I'm giving you a chance for us to go sort this out together.

[00:21:49] But if anything else comes along that's like these two things that have, these two people who've contacted me, anything else comes out of the woodwork, I'm probably going to be out of here.

[00:22:01] Right.

[00:22:01] And I drew that line in the sand.

[00:22:03] And I said, do you have anything else to tell me?

[00:22:05] No, no, nothing else to tell me.

[00:22:08] So, okay.

[00:22:09] Fast forward.

[00:22:10] That was like February of 2018.

[00:22:14] So, fast forward to July.

[00:22:17] Our daughter was born July of 2018.

[00:22:20] He was a model dad for that creative time.

[00:22:24] I was on maternity leave for three months.

[00:22:27] He was very available and supportive and just a really great partner throughout that process.

[00:22:33] I was also so preoccupied with just keeping this human alive.

[00:22:38] You know, I don't know what red flags were or weren't there because he was just not on my radar.

[00:22:45] It was all about this baby and trying to take care of myself.

[00:22:49] And even all throughout the pregnancy, the birth, the, you know, I ended up having a, I wanted to have an all natural unmedicated birth.

[00:22:58] It ended up in an emergency C-section.

[00:23:00] We had struggles breastfeeding.

[00:23:02] Like there were all of these things of just that process that I was trying to figure out.

[00:23:08] I have no clue what may have been happening in his world that I never even found out about at that point.

[00:23:17] Yeah.

[00:23:18] So, fast forward.

[00:23:20] I go back to work.

[00:23:21] I start back at work right around a very busy project for this organization.

[00:23:26] So, again, my priority is daughter and work and, okay, him.

[00:23:32] Right?

[00:23:33] As I can.

[00:23:34] So, I noticed another red flag or two.

[00:23:39] I had gotten on his computer around the holidays and I noticed him.

[00:23:44] I looked through his history.

[00:23:46] I noticed him accessing porn.

[00:23:48] And I'm just like, well, that's funny because, you know, I'm over here keeping this human alive with leaky boobs.

[00:23:56] And I'm initiating intimacy with you when really I've got, it's the last thing I want to do, really.

[00:24:03] But I'm also trying to preserve our relationship.

[00:24:07] And I'm being declined.

[00:24:09] And meanwhile, I don't know.

[00:24:11] I mean, I guess leaky boobs aren't very attractive.

[00:24:13] But you're doing.

[00:24:15] I was going to say, he wasn't on that subreddit.

[00:24:17] Leaky boobs.

[00:24:18] No.

[00:24:19] No.

[00:24:19] Not leaky boobs.

[00:24:20] Hashtag leaky boobs.

[00:24:24] So, yeah.

[00:24:25] I'm like, you're, people don't just watch porn.

[00:24:30] Like, you're doing something.

[00:24:31] And I'm inviting you to, you know, and being turned away.

[00:24:36] And this is not right.

[00:24:38] And so, I'm having these conversations with him about, okay, well, maybe we need to go to that therapist we talked about.

[00:24:44] Because I'm not happy with this.

[00:24:46] Why are you watching porn?

[00:24:47] And, you know, on and on.

[00:24:49] Once again, just scratching the surface.

[00:24:52] So, fast forward now to the beginning of the year.

[00:24:55] So, early 2019.

[00:24:57] I'm at my office.

[00:24:59] Now I get a call from a local sheriff's office.

[00:25:03] Okay, I'm going to pick that up.

[00:25:05] So, I pick up.

[00:25:06] It's a local detective asking me if I know that my husband is under criminal investigation.

[00:25:12] Oh, shit.

[00:25:13] That fucking took a turn.

[00:25:15] Hi, all.

[00:25:16] Thank you so much for listening to this episode.

[00:25:18] I'm G-Rex.

[00:25:19] And I'm Dirty Skittles.

[00:25:21] Don't forget to subscribe, rate, and review this podcast.

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[00:25:26] We can't do this without you guys.

[00:25:29] It's okay to be not okay.

[00:25:31] Just make sure you're talking to someone.

[00:26:03] Happy holidays.

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[00:26:13] From all of us at Believe, have a Merry Christmas, everyone, and a happy holiday.