Talaya’s Fight to Be Heard: Cancer, Medical Gaslighting, and Emotional Healing

[00:00:06] Hey there, listeners. Welcome to Shit That Goes On In Our Heads, the podcast where we normalize conversations around mental health. That's right. I'm Dirty Skittles and alongside my amazing co-host, G-Rex, we are here to share stories and tips from our incredible guests. Each episode, we deep dive into struggles and triumphs of mental health, offering practical advice and heartfelt support. Because no one should feel alone in their journey. Join us as we break the stigma and build a community of understanding and compassion.

[00:00:35] Tune in and let's start talking about the shit that goes on in our heads. Three, two, one. Welcome back to another episode of Shit That Goes On In Our Heads. I'm here with my awesome co-host, Dirty Skittles. And today we have an amazing guest, Lea. Thank you. Welcome. I'm so honored to have you on the show. Thank you so much for having me. I'm excited to be here with you, G-Rex and Dirty Skittles.

[00:01:04] You ladies are doing amazing work. I love your podcast. I am a 14-year cancer thriver and I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's lymphoma out of the blue in 2011. And I say out of the blue because I was rarely sick before. I really only had issues with the cold or the flu. So that was it.

[00:01:30] So I would say early 2011, around March or so, went to my primary care doctor who I had been seeing for a couple of years. And I had pointed out a small lump on the side of my neck. And this lump probably had been there several weeks and was concerned. But I said, now's a great time to get it checked out. You know, I'm having my annual physical.

[00:02:00] So pointing it out and she pretty much blew it off. All you work out all the time is probably just a pulled muscle. Well, a year later, I found out that pulled muscle happened to be Hodgkin's lymphoma. Wow.

[00:02:17] Now, a year later, I had went to a primary, a different primary care doctor because I had shared with my mom that I was really concerned that this lump was not only still there, but it had gotten bigger and harder. And at the time, I was so focused on all the things we're supposed to be doing in life.

[00:02:39] Go to college, get that great paying job in corporate America and burn yourself into the ground while trying to achieve these things. And that's the path that I was on. So had pointed out to my mom that this lump was still there. And she said, why don't you go and see my primary care doctor? And so went to go and see her doctor and her response was totally different. She touched it. She asked questions.

[00:03:08] She wanted to know how I was feeling. Was I having any symptoms? The more we talked, the more I shared, I could tell that she was becoming concerned. I actually seen her face change. By the end of our conversation, she said, Talaya, I would love for you to go and get an ultrasound as soon as possible. Now, mind you, wrapped up in all of this, I had started a brand new job about three weeks ago.

[00:03:38] So I had to find a way to get some time off to go get this ultrasound. So got some time off, went and got this ultrasound. A few days later, I got a call. We need to have you do a fine needle aspiration because the results of that ultrasound came back inconclusive, meaning they weren't able to determine what was going on.

[00:04:05] So did a fine needle aspiration, and that is where they take a small sample of the cells and the tissue from that particular area, and they test that. This is test number two now. I've already done an ultrasound. The fine needle aspiration came back inconclusive. They did not get a large enough sample size. Okay, we're on to number three.

[00:04:33] Number three consisted of a biopsy of that lymph node in that area where the lump was. Okay, that was an inpatient exam. And so several days later, on a Friday, driving home from work from a stressful job, I got the news from a nurse who said, I'm sorry to tell you, but you have been diagnosed with Hodgkin's lymphoma.

[00:05:03] And thankfully, I had already pulled over, but I'm like, I don't know what this is. What does this mean? I had a million questions. And she stopped me and she said, honey, I'm so sorry. I cannot answer all those questions, but you do have cancer. And what I can tell you is my husband had Hodgkin's lymphoma several years ago, and he's doing fine today.

[00:05:33] So essentially, I had to sit with this over the weekend. And when you talk about the you know what that goes on in your head, there was a lot of that going on in my head. So much so that I had to pull over to TJ Maxx. I passed this store every day on my way to and from work. And I had to gather myself because I had just been told I have cancer.

[00:06:01] Where did this come from? I don't know anything about cancer other than what they show on TV. That's a very sickly person walking down a hospital corridor pushing an IV pole. And I'm like, okay. This is a lot to deal with. So stopped at TJ Maxx and just walked around for about 30 minutes.

[00:06:26] That was my way of calming myself, trying to get a grip of what I had just heard and trying to be able to make it home safely. So that is what I did to take care of myself in that moment. When I got home, I called my family and I shared the news. Of course, they had tons of questions. But I had to stop them all and say, I just wanted you to know.

[00:06:53] I have no answers for you because I don't know much myself. I hope to have more answers on Monday. But can you give me some space this weekend so that I can just really figure these things out and just really work through what I've just heard? So thankfully, they were respectful of, you know, my boundaries and my request to just give me space.

[00:07:20] And ladies, when I tell you, I spent that weekend praying, crying, looking for direction, researching all the things. I think I experienced every emotion possible in that weekend than I could have imagined. However, it was the best thing I could have done for myself. I have so many questions. And I know Dirty Skittles does too. Yeah.

[00:07:49] Like, I'm surprised they gave you that news over the phone and that they didn't call you into the office. That's a really crappy way to find out that you have cancer. You know, they had no idea what was going on, right? And the fact that you were driving. And I'm sure that was very upsetting.

[00:08:12] Like, I would have rather gotten that news face to face from my doc over the phone because to me that feels very impersonal. It was very impersonal. I felt so alone. I just felt a Mack truck had been dumped on me and the person hit me and ran. That, that's really how it felt, if I can give you that analogy. And I was left to pick up the pieces until that Monday.

[00:08:38] Now, what's really sad is that it's very common that they deliver the news this way. I think I did a podcast episode about you. This needs to be illegal, actually. Yeah. Because it is so traumatizing and cancer is traumatizing enough as it is. But to get that news at 4 or 430 on a Friday when there's no one you can talk to.

[00:09:03] And it's just, oh, call the office Monday and, you know, we'll get things going and get you paired up with an oncologist. And that's pretty much how it went. That's upsetting. And this happened in 2011. I remember like it happened right before we got on this podcast. Yeah. That's super upsetting. That was, that was one of my questions actually was, you get the snooze in the car and you go home. Are you alone at home?

[00:09:31] Yes, I was alone and called my family, called my mom, called my brother and some other relatives. And yeah, I was alone for that weekend. But I actually preferred it that way because it just allowed me time to not have to care for others and their feelings. Yeah. It allowed me time to just pray and ask for direction.

[00:09:54] And I understand that everyone may not be spiritual or believe in God and those things, but that is what helped me. And it's one of the best things that I could have done for myself because it just allowed me to empty all of that out. Not to mention the anger of, hey, a year ago I brought this to this professional doctor, licensed medical providers attention and I was blown off. Yeah. And so there, I was pissed.

[00:10:24] I'm not going to lie. But I had to put that to the side because that was not the focus. That was not what was important. What was important was figuring out how I could live and how I could get through whatever was coming at me, you know, once I made those calls that Monday.

[00:10:44] And so that was my main goal was just to be able to get to a place where I could do what I needed to do for myself because that is when Talaya the Advocate was born. Yeah, that I could see how that would be beneficial to just have to worry about yourself in that moment and not like I tend to want to take care of the others that are around me. Hey, this really bad thing's happening to me, but don't worry, it's going to be fine kind of a thing.

[00:11:12] And then hearing your story, the dark humor of my brain immediately thinks of how I would have approached, you know, all the tests because they were inconclusive. Let's do another one. Let's do another one. I would have been like, let's fine. It's a muscle. It's like a sprained muscle. That's why everything is inconclusive. Exactly. But how upsetting. How did you feel in that moment of seeing a doctor show concern over something that you thought had been diagnosed by a previous doctor as being not a big deal?

[00:11:41] It was scary. Yeah. But I appreciated her concern and her genuine care for me because obviously the other person, I don't know what her issue was that day or what was going on with her, but it wasn't acceptable. Right. And I just appreciated that the care and the concern that this new primary care doctor had showed me. And it said, hey, you're important.

[00:12:07] And no matter what's going on in my day, no matter how I'm feeling today, your concerns are important and I want to know more about it. And that's the respect and the honor that we all should be given because we are the customers when we go into these health care and medical facilities. And I think it's so important for people to understand that, that you are not a burden on these folks. It's their job. If you're not sick, they don't get paid.

[00:12:36] They don't have a customer. And so advocate for yourself. And that's what I learned. I said, never again will someone cast me to the side and, you know, I go a year without getting what I need and getting answers that I'm satisfied with. Now, the other part of that is I have a part in this too. And I'll own up to that.

[00:13:01] There's no way, looking back and being a healthier version of myself, I'll say, there's no way I should have waited a year. But, you know, I wanted to climb the corporate ladder. I wanted to do all these things that we're supposed to do. Not to mention I was stressed out to the max dealing with work and all the political crap that goes on there, dealing with everyone else's issues. And I was putting myself last. Right.

[00:13:31] And so that's where self-worth and all those things come into play. Like nothing is more important than your health, because if you don't have it, you don't have anything. You can't do anything. And so those were, there were so many lessons, like just so many lessons that, you know, I learned from that experience. And just about honoring your worth.

[00:13:58] And just because someone has a medical degree does not mean they know more about you than you. Yeah. And do not accept that. If you don't get the answers that you need, and if you're not satisfied with what you're being told or how you're being treated, go elsewhere. There's thousands of other doctors out there. You don't have to stop at that one.

[00:14:33] Yeah. I, it sucks that you had to learn those really important values in that moment, like going through all this stuff. And I also like, it reminds me of, you know, we always say, you never know what somebody is going through. So you want to really be kind of people. I was thinking of you walking around, you know, in the store and like, to an outsider, not knowing that weight that you were carrying in that moment. That's a lot.

[00:15:01] That's a lot to be going through that and processing it because you didn't have anybody. I mean, the fact that they called to your point, you rex and there was nothing there. You're kind of just, oh, wow, this is, I guess I got to figure this out. Okay. So what did the treatment look like? Have the diagnosis, you've taken the time to kind of come to grips, if you will, of what this new reality was going to be. What did treatment look like for you? Yes.

[00:15:29] So unfortunately I had to have six months of chemotherapy, it followed by a month of radiation. And so as a result of that treatment, I suffered really bad burns to my neck area. Even 14 years later, the color of my neck is, you know, darker than, you know, there's nothing I can do about it. There probably is, but it's not worth it to me.

[00:15:56] So it's just part of what I went through. You know, unfortunately I have hypothyroidism because of where they kind of hit my thyroid when they were giving me the radiation. Now I had, by the time I got ready for treatment, I had nodules, not only in my neck, but under my arms, in my chest area. And I think I was stage two or stage three at that point.

[00:16:25] And when I got that diagnosis and agreed on the treatment, I became upset again. Because I'm like, a year later, a year earlier, maybe I would only had to do a month or two of treatment. Who knows? You know, and so, but then I had to let that go. So that is essentially what treatment looked like for me.

[00:16:51] It was a huge emotional and of course, mental toll. Because you mentioned people not understanding what you're going through. At this new job, I had to navigate that. You know, just going to this new employer who didn't know me and didn't really care much about me. Let's just be real. You know, trying to figure out how to tiptoe around that so I could keep my insurance to be able to pay for these cancer treatments.

[00:17:20] You also find out when you go through something like cancer and really tough things in life, who the people truly are in your corner that care about you. There were tons of people that I had supported in different ways, whether, you know, helping them financially with time, whatever. And a lot of that was not reciprocated. So that was something that I had to work through.

[00:17:44] I had to work through being in my early 30s and sitting in an infusion room with people who were much older than me. No one there was my age. No one there was my race. And there was another form of isolation. Yeah. I had attempted.

[00:18:08] Well, actually, I went to a support group and everyone there, again, was older than I, bitter. But I had made up in my mind that I wanted to live. And I knew that my life was going to look different. I didn't know how, but it was my job to make sure I did the things that I needed to do to have the life that I wanted to have. Those people were really negative in the support group.

[00:18:34] So after 10 minutes, I said, me and myself, the healthy ones I have left, we are getting out of here. And we are not participating in this because this is not helping. And so I had to figure out a way to support myself. Because a lot of the things that are out there today to support people with cancer, they were not in 2011. And so I started researching like about mindset.

[00:19:04] I was already doing journaling, but I wanted to know how to really utilize it in a very therapeutic way that could support me at that time. So just started learning more about journaling, Tai Chi, just things that I could do to support myself, not only physically, but mentally, emotionally and spiritually. And that really led to the work that I do today to support other people that have been diagnosed with cancer. But yeah, it was a trip.

[00:19:34] You learned so much, not only about yourself, but the people around you. You learned so much about the healthcare system and how much some people want to keep you sick. And not everyone's like that. But you are literally fighting for your life when you enter into the healthcare system.

[00:19:58] And if you don't know how to advocate, you had best have someone on your side who does. Yeah. Did you have anybody to advocate for you or you had to learn it on your own? I learned a lot of it on my own, but I did have my mom to support me as well. And so that was very helpful. But I'm telling you, Dirty Skittles, a lot of this was learning by the seat of my pants.

[00:20:23] And that's why today I'm like, nope, I am not dealing with no BS. If I don't like how you're talking, how you're treating me, I'm out of there. And I recommend that to anyone because you can lose your life. I could have lost my life. When I just really sit down and think about it, even now, I'm like, I could have died. If I could, if maybe if I waited another few months, who knows? I could have died.

[00:20:53] I had cancer, not a pulled muscle. That's serious. That's all right. Yeah. I mean, how do you deal with that mentally? Like the anger there that I would have is crazy, right? Like, I, I tend to be very, I call it mama bear for my loved ones. But if it was me and this happened to me, like, I feel like I would be just as angry because I could have lost, you could have lost everything. Right.

[00:21:23] And I'm not just you physically, your life, but the things that, that you enjoy, you know, all of that being taken away because the fact that like a doctor diagnosed you without even looking at it, you know, that pisses me off. I'm mad. I'm really mad about that. But you know, you're right. You are a mama bear and not just a mama bear to your husband and little nugget. Yeah. But even to me, like when I was going through all my crap, like you were generally concerned.

[00:21:50] And I think that like people need to have people like you in their lives to help advocate and make sure that we're doing okay. And I feel bad that, you know, I'm glad that you had your mom, but think of all the other people out there that are getting diagnosed every day that don't have anybody. It makes me very sad. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:22:12] It's really sad because, you know, I remember there was this gentleman that would come into the infusion room and he was clearly homeless. And I'm like, God, this is screwed up, but thank you. At least I have a home to go to. At least I have food I can eat when I can eat, you know. But this gentleman, he had, he was homeless. That's tough.

[00:22:39] You know, when he left the infusion center, where was he going to rest, you know? And so I think just trying to find the things that were going well really helped me. Prayer helped me. There was a lot of anger to work through. And here's the thing. Here's the thing that the, where I had cancer treatment, they had a social worker.

[00:23:08] And he was a 60 something white gentleman who on the surface level, yeah, we could have a conversation. But going deep? No, because, you know. Yeah. And so that could have been done a lot better. There could have been options, you know, to choose from. But had I not had faith, had I not sought out things on my own, I don't know how it would have went.

[00:23:37] I don't think it would have went as well as it did. But because I am a take charge and analytical kind of person, and I'm, and kind of like you dirty skittles, always looking out for others and caring for others. I had to switch gears and say, this is what I need to do for myself. Yeah. And that's when I started putting myself first.

[00:24:02] Because when I started realizing that certain people were not going to show up, I have to show up for myself, you know. And thankfully I had my mom and my brother. But again, I had to release the anger that I had towards people who didn't show up for me that I showed up for. Because the most important thing at that time was living. I wanted to live.

[00:24:28] And this might sound like silly of a question, but you said that, you know, the want to live. And as like dark as this sounds, what, I guess what sparked that for you? What, how did you not just say, give up, right? Like, shit, it, you know, it's come this far.

[00:24:52] I am this far in part of me things that it might, I don't even want to say would have been easier. But I think that for me, I would have probably given up a little bit. And then something would have had to have, you know, brought that life back to me or that want to move forward to fight for myself to live for myself. I don't think that's a natural quality, at least not for me to have. I think just the weight of it all might have been too much to carry.

[00:25:20] I would have been there like in a heartbeat. Oh, why no. I'd be taking your ass. I'd actually get on a plane, okay, even though I don't really want to fly right now. I would get on a plane and be like, come on, let's go. But yeah, to add to like Dirty Skittle's question is how did work react? Were they supportive? Were they supportive? Oh, okay. See, now I opened a can of worms. I'm sorry. Yeah. Okay.

[00:25:47] So I'll address Dirty Skittle's first. So Dirty Skittle's, I think I already have that spirit in me. I'm not one to give up easily. I'm very determined. But God didn't tell me I was going to be leaving this place. I knew I had more to do. I just hadn't figured out what that was. Like, there was nothing in me that really said, oh, you're going to die. Like I wanted to live.

[00:26:16] But the caveat was, I wanted to live the life I wanted to live. I didn't want to live and be like, oh, you know, I got my fancy degree and I'm in corporate now and I'm doing all these things. That was not it for me. And that reality showed up, you know, and we can get to that later. But I just, I knew that there was something more for me to do.

[00:26:42] And when I prayed, it was like, I just knew God spoke to me and was just like, this is not it. This is not the end. And I just felt like there was more to offer in life. And it still took me a moment to figure out what that was, but I got there. G-Rex work. Clearly this organization hadn't really dealt with anything like that before.

[00:27:09] And so I was hired on to this job and I could tell by how the manager acted because there was something going on. And to this day, I don't know, and it doesn't even matter. But the, when I got hired, the person that hired me, when I started, he was on his way out. So he hired me and in the hiring process, there was no mention of him leaving the organization.

[00:27:39] So he hired me. But then when I started, there was this new manager taking over. I don't know what, again, what was going on, but I felt like I got caught in the crossfire because this new manager clearly did not care for me. And so there was this meeting that was taking place out of town. And, you know, I wasn't ready to come.

[00:28:05] I didn't really, I wasn't clear on what was going on because I had to do these tests first. And I had said, you know, there's some, I'm going to have to take a little time off here and there to get some tests done. Well, we have this meeting coming up and it was a meeting where we had to travel out of town for a couple of days. And I went to this meeting and pushed off a test to a later date because I'm thinking, I have to keep this job. I'm new. These people don't care about me. They don't know me.

[00:28:35] But whatever this is, I have a feeling I'm going to need insurance for sure to keep getting the tests that I needed. So, but once I knew what was actually going on, the diagnosis, I had to muster up the energy to tell this person who clearly did not like me that here's the issue. And so I think I started with him and then I went straight to HR. HR.

[00:29:02] And it was so interesting because they had no clue. HR is not, a lot of HR professionals are not on your side. They're not trained for these kinds of things. And they're more concerned about protecting the organization than saving your job. Yeah. And I was given six months of disability.

[00:29:30] My oncologist said, this is what I needed to do. So from this new job, eventually I got all my paperwork in. I got the recommendation from my oncologist to be able to take six months of disability. I could tell that they were pissed that the manager, HR handled it as well as they could with what they knew. So I'll give them credit for that.

[00:29:58] This manager would send me emails knowing that my oncologist was communicating with him. This manager would send me emails. Oh, well, I haven't heard from you in a week or two. When are you planning on coming back? You know, it w it was just like, what the, you know, what are you like, really? And like, I stopped opening those emails because I would get upset because I'm like, I am over here fighting for my life.

[00:30:26] I'm having all these terrible side effects from the cancer treatment. I'm tired, like all these things. And you think I'm going to sit here and screw around with you on internet with answering these stupid ass emails. Like, I'm just like, really? And so it was just, it pissed me off, but it also showed me to lay a, that's not the place. You know? So I knew before I went back that I was leaving.

[00:30:54] So my goal was to get through the cancer treatment. And again, I knew by, cause I learned from the doctor, this part, this manager doesn't care about me. He just wants to fill a seat. And eventually he sent an email saying, well, you know, since you're not sure when you're coming back, we're going to bring in a temporary person. Although we can't fill your role, we're going to bring in a temp person. So that's pretty much how that went.

[00:31:22] You know, HR was, you know, they did what they needed to do, what they were obligated to do. They were pleasant, you know, at best. The manager was just, no. A jerk. Yes. And that's like my nice way of putting it. Like I have other words for people like that, but being a jerk. And that makes me sad and it makes me really mad too, right? Because it kind of goes back to like manager training and getting trained on like empathy

[00:31:51] and how not to be a, see, how do I say this without saying the word? How to not be a jerk. Okay. And that's kind of like the field that I'm in now, right? Is that, you know, I'm working with small companies and making sure that they have that kind of training. And even larger organizations need that. But crap happens all the time to people. And it's not something that we planned on.

[00:32:17] It's not something that we, you know, prayed to have happen in our lives. I was thankful. I was very thankful. So at the time that I had my mental health breakdown, Dree Skittles was my manager. And I opened up to her right away. Like she already knew something was like not right. But like I, she got the right kind of training.

[00:32:40] And I just think that in the workplace we need better training from like HR down. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I agree. More advocates. Yes. You know, I had said to another employee when I went back to work and that was interesting too. I said, I wonder how he would respond if it happened to him or someone he loved. Or a male.

[00:33:11] That too. That too. That too. That too. And I was really disheartened because I felt like I kept coming into contact with people who didn't care about me. Yeah. You know, that was one thing that was tough. You know, you want to hope that people have the level of empathy, care and concern that you have. But that was a real lesson in they are not you.

[00:33:41] And I can't imagine being a manager sending someone an email and I'm getting updated regularly by their oncologist, the person who is treating them. There is no way I would send them an email, several, throughout the time that they're off, asking when are you coming back? There's, you couldn't pay me to do it. I would lose my job if that was part of it.

[00:34:10] And this is even with me not having gone through cancer, this is like human decency to me. But maybe I'm, you know, I don't know. But it's just some of the things that I saw and experienced, it was like, wow. Yeah. People really do not care. And you have to get, I want to say you don't have to get comfortable with it, but you have to be real about it.

[00:34:39] There are a lot of people that just don't care about you. And that sucks. And, you know, but for the people that do care about us, right? Those are the people that save us every day. Yeah. And those are who you lean on. Yeah. Those are, that's our tribe, right? Mm-hmm. And we all have our own little tribe.

[00:35:07] And I'm glad you had that tribe. You had that tribe with your mom and your brother and, you know, the people that showed up for you. Yes. And you're right. We give and give and give to so many people out there. And so like when people don't reciprocate, yeah, it kind of stings. Mm-hmm. But then I think about all the people that did show up. Yeah. And I'm thankful. That's right. And, you know, when I support people and this is so common and it's so hurtful, a lot

[00:35:35] of people have resentment around this. And, you know, when I work with people, I say, those are not the people you focus on. Focus on the people who are showing up for you, you know, and that are caring for you. They're the ones who deserve your thoughts, your energy, your time, because you already know where you stand with the other folks. So don't even put your energy over there, you know, but I know it's so hard to get that

[00:36:05] realization, but it's also a blessing. I want to know where I stand with people. So I know to put my time and energy in the right places. And so to me, that was a blessing that came out of all of that. I know where I stand. And thank you, God, because now I don't have to waste my time with people who don't care for me. And, you know, it is what it is.

[00:36:32] Move on and surround yourself with people that do. Yeah. Did you had a career change? It sounds from the corporate world to. Yeah. What ended up happening there? So after six months of being on disability, I went back to that job. And I think I was at that job for maybe another six months because I had to get my plan in motion. Because again, I knew I was leaving.

[00:37:01] And today that company is no longer around. But put together my plan and I ended up going to a different job still within the supply chain industry. But eventually in 2018, November, to be exact, I exited corporate America and I had completed my life coaching certification.

[00:37:25] And so exited corporate America after I completed my certification, went to the ceremony, all of those things. Took a little downtime for the holidays. And January of 2019 is when I really got out there and started promoting my business on the other side, where I serve as a cancer doula and board certified patient advocate for others who are facing cancer.

[00:37:54] So essentially using my lived experience to help other people get through and get over and create the quality of life that they want after cancer. And just being able to be what I didn't have for other people is a huge blessing. Because what I needed so much at that time, although I had my mom and my brother and other people who showed up for me,

[00:38:24] there wasn't anyone who truly understood what I was going through. None of those people had to go through cancer. And so although I know they loved me, although I know they would have done anything they could to help me and support me, they didn't truly understand because they hadn't gone through it.

[00:38:44] And so there is nothing like having that person who understands, who's been through it, that knows what it's like to get up at two o'clock in the morning because you're aching so bad. And just you're like, you know, I can't sleep. What do I do? That person who can help you talk through having people desert you when you get this diagnosis.

[00:39:14] That person who can talk through here are the things that you the questions you should ask when you go and see your doctor. Here's how you get a second opinion. Here's how you talk to your employer and you're not obligated to share everything. So here's how you go about doing that while protecting your privacy.

[00:39:33] Just having someone who can walk you through all these things that no one talks about, that nothing can prepare you for other than someone who's gone through it. And so that's really what I do today. That's what I transitioned into. And that that's my purpose.

[00:39:53] That was my reason for, you know, still being here is to help other people and always been a helper, always gone out of my way to help other people. But now I'm doing it in a way that is aligned with my purpose. And I'm clear about what that is, what that looks. And that's the big difference.

[00:40:16] And I'm trying to help other people, I think, to help other people. And I think that's the big difference. And I think that's the big difference.

[00:40:45] I love how you're helping people too, right? Because, you know, cancer is scary. And if you don't have anybody, it's super lonely. Yeah. And like, how do I put this in the... I just love how you like dug in, right? And you're like, I don't want anybody else to feel as crappy as I did when I got this news. And you're just a badass.

[00:41:12] I love it that you're out there making a huge difference in this world. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. And, you know, I just want to be very transparent and say it wasn't an easy journey. Yeah. I swear that for me, just prayer and faith, those things really carried me through. The support of my mom and my brother and others really carried me through. Learning how to advocate for myself was critical.

[00:41:43] I don't think I would be here today if I had not learned that skill. If I had not taken the initiative to go out and find the resources and things that I needed for myself. And just being able to be for others what I needed is such a blessing. It makes it all worth it. I, you know, I don't wish it on anyone.

[00:42:12] I really wish I didn't have to go through cancer, but I feel like that was the purpose. That was, you know, something to take away from it. And it really shouldn't be like that. No one should be getting calls on a Friday evening. No one should be left to, you know, have to go back and forth with a doctor to say, hey, something's wrong with me.

[00:42:38] You know, all these things, you know, I should have had options when it came to a social worker, not just one that had nothing could have been further from who I was age wise. You know, so many other things. There's so many gaps in the system. And I want people to know that those gaps are the issue. You're not. Mm hmm.

[00:43:05] So never be afraid to ask for what you need. Never be afraid to go outside of the norm and find what you need because we've been so conditioned. Well, here's what you do, you know, and here's you just go to the doctor and you sit there like a good student and don't question or push back or say, hey, these are my cultural preferences. These, you know, here's what I believe. Tell me why I need to do this.

[00:43:34] What are the statistics on that treatment? How many people have you treated with this? Like you have the right to ask questions and sorry to go on a tangent, but it's just there's so many things that people are not aware that they have the right to do. Yeah. Yeah. You're like doing a crash course right now on how to advocate for yourself, which I appreciate because I that was one of the things I thought when I was listening to your story was like, man, you're supposed to trust your doctor.

[00:44:04] You know, you can't trust what they're saying, but it's true. Right. I think I am very in tune with my body, so I would probably have a hard time to, man, I'm supposed to trust them, but that doesn't sound right. You know, there's something else there, but I might not, you know, have the no that I can push back and question and challenge what they're saying. You know, so I have a question for you. I have two questions.

[00:44:28] If you could go back in time to give a younger version of yourself advice, what would you tell yourself and how old are you? Hmm. Hmm. I think I would go back to maybe 16, 17 years old and something very traumatic happened in my life with someone that, you know, I should have been able to trust, should have felt safe with.

[00:44:56] And it really changed how I viewed a lot of things. And I would say to my younger self that you matter. You are not obligated to hold an adult's secrets. You are worthy. Your feelings matter and they're valid.

[00:45:25] You are not, you are not, you are not this version that this person who's supposed to care for you. You're not that version of who they think you are. You're not the scapegoat. You're not the fixer. You're not the person who everybody can dump things on. And your life matters.

[00:45:50] Do what makes you happy and do what is best for you. Put yourself first. And I think that is what I know I would tell my younger self. And that you don't, there's nothing wrong with wanting more for yourself. You don't think you're better because you want a better life.

[00:46:20] You deserve a better life. And so do what you need to do to have that. And be willing to let people go. Family, just because they're family, it doesn't matter. And so that's really what I would tell my younger self because I think it would have saved me so much grief. And I think that I would have rescued myself from being the scapegoat years and years ago.

[00:46:49] But you don't know what you don't know. Right. And so I would also say be open to other people. Just because these family members treat you this way doesn't mean the world and other people are going to treat you that way. And so that's really what I would say to my younger self because the things that I have now, the love that I have now, I would have had that a lot sooner had I known. Yeah. Thank you.

[00:47:17] Last question is, what would you say has been the hardest lesson that you've had to learn in life so far? Oh, you know, that I said this earlier, and I think the hardest lesson, there's so many. I think the hardest lesson is that people are not you.

[00:47:41] No matter how well you treat people, no matter how much you give to people, that doesn't mean that they are going to love you and accept you and do the same things for you. And so when you make the decision to give and to love and all those things, do it without expecting anything in return. But also be prepared if it's not reciprocated.

[00:48:10] Be prepared and just accept the fact that they're not you, but don't let that change you. And I think that's definitely what I would say, because it's so easy to just feel like, you know, I've supported this person. I've done this and I've done that. And then when you are in need and those people don't show up, it can be hurtful. But God always gives you who and what you need.

[00:48:39] So just because you didn't get it from that person doesn't mean you're not going to get it or you're not worthy. Maybe they're not in a space where they can offer whatever you need or give you whatever you need. And be okay with that. Just be okay with that. Don't live your life based on how other people respond and treat you in those things, because that's on them. Wake up every day deciding that, hey, I'm going to be happy. I'm going to be at peace regardless.

[00:49:09] I'm going to be happy with that. Of how other people respond to me and treat me. Wonderful. I love those. And now I have a couple of questions for you. Hers are more fun. Mine are way more fun. If your anxiety had a theme song, what is it and why? Purple, right? I love, okay, I love that. Love that. Love that. Yes. And what's your favorite word?

[00:49:38] I would have to say at this stage in my life, I would have to say thriver. Because I've thrived through some stuff. Like, I... We can hear this. I think thriver is my favorite word because I just feel, you know, it's okay to pause. Don't give up. Don't... But don't give up. We all need to rest. You know, we all need to maybe pivot, reposition.

[00:50:07] But keep on going. And then also, while you're going, make sure you're doing it in a way that makes you happy. That makes you whole. That meets your values and your standards. And when we create that environment for ourselves, when we honor our values and our standards, that creates an environment where we can thrive. And that's not...

[00:50:36] That's also going to attract the real people that are for us. And so thriving for me is just... That's my word. Yeah. I love that. And what's your least favorite word? Authenticity. And I say that because the past couple of years, it has been thrown around so much. And authentic this. And I'm being authentic that.

[00:51:03] And it's very important to just do the thing. You don't have to announce it. And I think that's why it's my... One of my least favorite words right now is because it's everywhere. You know, just be it. Just people will know. You don't have to tie that word to just do it, you know? And so I think that for me has been irritating me. Just a word. I can relate.

[00:51:32] As soon as somebody tells you like how great or authentic... I'm like immediately red flagged. I'm like, why don't you have to tell me that? You know? Yeah. Right. Hush your mouth. I know how good I am. Like I'm all good. And like, how can our listeners find you? Oh, yes. They can find me on LinkedIn. So they can look under my name, Talaya Dindi. And then also on Instagram is cancer doula underscore on the other side.

[00:52:00] So cancer doula underscore on the other side. And then also my website, which is ontheotherside.life. Because there is life on the other side of cancer. I love that. Thank you so much for joining us today. I learned so much and I'm so thankful you're here to help other people go through the horribleness that you went through, but with so much passion and grace.

[00:52:28] And just thank you. Thank you. Oh, thank you so much for having me. I love everything about both of you. I just love your humor, your kindness. It's been such an honor to talk with you. And thank you for sharing your platform with me and allowing me to share my story. Thank you. You're very welcome. Hi, y'all. Thank you so much for listening to this episode. I'm G-Rex. And I'm Dirty Skittles. Don't forget to subscribe, rate and review this podcast. We'd love to listen to your feedback.

[00:52:58] We can't do this without you guys. It's okay to be not okay. Just make sure you're talking to someone.