Healing from the Inside Out with Amanda: A Mental Health Journey

[00:00:06] Hey there, listeners. Welcome to Shit That Goes On In Our Heads, the podcast where we normalize conversations around mental health.

[00:00:14] That's right. I'm Dirty Skittles and alongside my amazing co-host, G-Rex, we are here to share stories and tips from our incredible guests.

[00:00:22] Each episode, we deep dive into struggles and triumphs of mental health, offering practical advice and heartfelt support.

[00:00:28] Because no one should feel alone in their journey. Join us as we break the stigma and build a community of understanding and compassion.

[00:00:35] Tune in and let's start talking about the shit that goes on in our heads.

[00:00:44] Three, two, one. Welcome back to another episode of Shit That Goes On In Our Heads.

[00:00:50] I'm here with my amazing co-host, Dirty Skittles, and we have an amazing guest. Welcome, Amanda.

[00:00:56] Welcome. Hi, how are you?

[00:00:59] We are fantastic today. Okay, that's a little bit of a lie.

[00:01:03] We had some technical issues earlier this morning, but we're better now.

[00:01:06] Hence the big red mic in my face because nothing else was working.

[00:01:10] Glowing red mic.

[00:01:11] I love it. It's a vibe.

[00:01:13] It is a glowing red mic. Glowing.

[00:01:17] The rave mic. That's what we'll call it.

[00:01:20] Yeah.

[00:01:21] It's messing with my eyes.

[00:01:23] Because I can't.

[00:01:26] Yeah.

[00:01:28] It has a club.

[00:01:29] Yeah.

[00:01:30] And the fishnet design over it is just adding to it.

[00:01:33] Yes.

[00:01:36] Give it a burlesque club, if you will.

[00:01:39] It goes great with Amanda's giant disco ball.

[00:01:42] It would be perfect.

[00:01:43] That's great.

[00:01:44] Okay, I always keep one handy.

[00:01:47] That in combination with the mic, we're definitely at the club.

[00:01:51] I have nothing to bring to this.

[00:01:53] I have an orange soda and I'm in my husband's basement.

[00:01:57] You got the drinks.

[00:01:57] You got the drinks.

[00:02:00] Exactly.

[00:02:02] Should I have sugar in it?

[00:02:03] It does.

[00:02:05] Okay, beautiful.

[00:02:05] Then you're okay.

[00:02:06] Now we're partying.

[00:02:07] Yeah.

[00:02:07] Now we're partying.

[00:02:08] It's a party.

[00:02:10] All right.

[00:02:10] So what do we...

[00:02:11] I'm coming in fresh.

[00:02:12] I have no clue what we're talking about, but I like to do it that way.

[00:02:15] I like to have just a conversation.

[00:02:17] Get to meet somebody new.

[00:02:19] Keep it organic.

[00:02:20] Me too.

[00:02:20] So what can you tell our listeners about yourself?

[00:02:24] Well, where do I begin?

[00:02:27] That's a loaded question.

[00:02:29] Let me say, where do I start?

[00:02:31] Well, it was a blistery January when I was coming to this world in North Philadelphia.

[00:02:37] And ever since then, I've just been raised in hell.

[00:02:39] Yeah.

[00:02:40] I grew up in inner city, Philly, a little neighborhood, the River Ward section, if you will, in Philadelphia.

[00:02:49] Fishtown, Port Richmond, if anybody's listening from that area, shout out.

[00:02:53] So that will be the accent that you hear throughout this entire episode.

[00:02:57] So if you need captions, please put them on.

[00:03:00] I always warn people of that.

[00:03:01] But I started my journey doing what I do now, which is podcasting.

[00:03:07] I'm a podcaster.

[00:03:08] I'm a speaker.

[00:03:09] I actually just started.

[00:03:11] I did not share this with too many people yet, but I just started my own branding and brand strategy and brand design agency, Potwire Studio.

[00:03:20] I started that journey through finding myself.

[00:03:26] I started my early adulthood life really being like a people pleaser, didn't really have a sense of self.

[00:03:35] Just kind of suffering from depression and anxiety, surviving each day.

[00:03:40] Every day I woke up, I look forward to when I could go back to sleep because that was the only time where I really found peace, inner peace within myself was when I was unconscious.

[00:03:49] I laugh about it, but at the time it really was a struggle for me.

[00:03:54] And I got myself fast forward to where I am today by just doing that inner work and tapping in and kind of reminding myself that we all have a purpose.

[00:04:04] And what's my purpose?

[00:04:06] Because I was not living my purpose.

[00:04:07] And I have my husband who's been my constant throughout my entire life.

[00:04:12] We are that like, ick story of been together since we were kids and that's us.

[00:04:19] We grew up as friends and friends blossomed into love and it's so gross, but that's our story and I love it.

[00:04:28] It's gushy.

[00:04:28] And he's been my constant.

[00:04:31] He's been my rock.

[00:04:32] He's been my rock through my darkest hours of chapters of life.

[00:04:38] And me and him got married and I had my daughter and that's kind of like where everything changed for me.

[00:04:43] So to say.

[00:04:45] I love that though.

[00:04:46] I love that.

[00:04:47] Yeah, I love the gushy part of that story.

[00:04:50] That was really great.

[00:04:51] I was thinking I'm like, oh my gosh, it ties into the sugar drink we were just talking about earlier.

[00:04:56] But I don't know.

[00:04:57] I admire that, honestly.

[00:05:00] Yeah.

[00:05:00] Like I see that for me, right?

[00:05:02] Like I've only ever experienced that I would say in like movies.

[00:05:05] It's that's the story.

[00:05:06] That is how I grew up thinking life just would become right.

[00:05:10] Oh, I was in school like looking like where is this person going to be?

[00:05:13] So I admire that you had that.

[00:05:15] Or you have that I should say.

[00:05:16] So that's cool.

[00:05:17] I do too.

[00:05:18] I admire it because I had to kiss a lot of frogs to get where I am now.

[00:05:24] Okay, they were baby frogs.

[00:05:26] Is it just frogs?

[00:05:27] Got it.

[00:05:27] No, I don't kiss porcupines or skunks.

[00:05:30] All right.

[00:05:31] They both have adverse reactions.

[00:05:33] I mean, don't get me wrong.

[00:05:35] I have my season of frog kissing too.

[00:05:37] Hey.

[00:05:38] Hey.

[00:05:39] Hey.

[00:05:39] But when you got something good, you hold on to it.

[00:05:42] And I'm grateful that I don't know if our story would be the same if I went through what

[00:05:48] I was going through now.

[00:05:51] I'll be I'm in my late 30s.

[00:05:52] I'll be 40 and I'll be 39 in January.

[00:05:56] So I'm almost 40.

[00:05:58] And I don't know if our marriage would have lasted through what I went through back then.

[00:06:04] Right?

[00:06:04] Like we were young, we were still figuring ourselves out.

[00:06:07] And I don't honestly wouldn't expect that of anybody because I was a lot.

[00:06:14] I was a lot.

[00:06:15] I was a lot.

[00:06:16] And I was very resistant to change.

[00:06:18] But I'm grateful.

[00:06:19] And that was that's one of the things that I will say if talking about relationships and

[00:06:24] going through hard times is having that rock of support.

[00:06:29] But you can't really expect that person to be your piece.

[00:06:33] Yeah, right.

[00:06:34] Like it's a momentary moment of peace.

[00:06:37] I call it like a pillar for me to be able to put my hand on that pillar and pick myself up.

[00:06:44] But for the longest period of time, I was just he was holding me up under my arms.

[00:06:48] And I don't know if I would expect him to do that for me today.

[00:06:52] But I'm grateful that he stuck with me.

[00:06:55] And I love him ever so much.

[00:06:57] And we have two beautiful children.

[00:06:59] Yeah.

[00:06:59] I love that.

[00:07:01] That's it's interesting because I think at some point, y'all growing up together, right?

[00:07:08] Like you are becoming adults.

[00:07:10] Yeah.

[00:07:10] And that's very much like a personal experience.

[00:07:12] Like you are becoming your own person.

[00:07:14] They're becoming their own person.

[00:07:15] And instead of those challenges separating you or causing you to kind of just go your own separate ways,

[00:07:22] it sounds like he continued to be there.

[00:07:25] You guys continue to be there for each other and walk through it all.

[00:07:28] Do you find like that's your best friend?

[00:07:30] Oh, yeah.

[00:07:32] He is my he's we just know each other.

[00:07:35] I mean, we've known each other.

[00:07:36] We started out as best friends like we just became like such a close bond.

[00:07:42] When as kids, you don't really understand.

[00:07:44] Is this love?

[00:07:45] Is this love that I'm in?

[00:07:47] And I don't think you should be in love at that young or understand just deeply how what love is.

[00:07:52] But as we grew and evolved, we realized, you know what, we would probably be like the best couple.

[00:07:58] But yeah, he is my best friend.

[00:08:00] He knows me more than anybody and vice versa.

[00:08:04] And I'm just I'm grateful for him.

[00:08:06] We have a business in Philly.

[00:08:07] We have a restaurant.

[00:08:08] And then we're stepping into real estate investing together.

[00:08:11] That's been fun.

[00:08:13] I say that with an eye.

[00:08:14] If anyone's in the investing world, I'm sure your eyes twitch with me, especially in today's world.

[00:08:19] But so yeah, like he's just he's my adventure partner through all chapters of life.

[00:08:24] But the important key thing that I feel like I want people to take away from that is the mutual evolution.

[00:08:30] Right.

[00:08:31] Like our relationship to withstand as long as it has the both of us had to do that inner work and evolve together.

[00:08:39] And there were times where I was here and he was here and I was here.

[00:08:43] So it's just being able to be that support, but also knowing that you have to put your own inner work in.

[00:08:49] Yeah.

[00:08:50] Yeah.

[00:08:50] So what were some of the struggles?

[00:08:52] Are you comfortable sharing them?

[00:08:54] Oh, yeah.

[00:08:55] Like I was saying around like when I had my daughter, I was extremely depressed.

[00:09:00] I had anxiety.

[00:09:02] I had, I was your girl was a big girl.

[00:09:05] I was like almost 300 pounds.

[00:09:09] Eating was my source of how to deal with my feelings, along with drinking and partying and all that jazz.

[00:09:17] I was like if John Belushi had like a sister.

[00:09:22] That was me.

[00:09:24] That was me.

[00:09:25] I could cook up a mean party back in the day.

[00:09:28] I mean, I still can.

[00:09:29] Yeah.

[00:09:30] But I know, you know, alcohol and partying is not, should not be your emotional outlet.

[00:09:37] That was me back then.

[00:09:38] And it was really to mask a lot of things that I had going on inside.

[00:09:41] And I was, you know, growing up, I was as far as wanting to, or as far as like my parentals were concerned.

[00:09:50] It was like, we focus on what you didn't do.

[00:09:54] And what you should do is expect it.

[00:09:58] So that's not really like positive reinforcement wasn't a thing.

[00:10:01] It was what you weren't, what you didn't do.

[00:10:04] So I grew up with this, not really being able to form a sense of self.

[00:10:08] So I did what I thought people expected of me, but it really wasn't who I wanted or what I wanted for myself and who I was.

[00:10:16] And then I, as I became a young adult, I had no sense of self.

[00:10:21] I didn't know what I wanted for myself.

[00:10:23] I didn't know what my passion and my purpose was.

[00:10:25] When I had my daughter, I remember like looking at her and just being like, wow, like I finally followed through with something for the first time in my life.

[00:10:35] Because I went to nursing school out of high school and didn't follow through with that because I was like, you know what, this is not for me.

[00:10:42] But it was what I saw in my family.

[00:10:44] My aunt was a nurse and everybody used to always fall over that.

[00:10:48] Like she's so successful.

[00:10:49] So I thought, you know what, that's my safe bet.

[00:10:52] That's what I'm going to do.

[00:10:52] I'm going to do nursing.

[00:10:53] That's what I'm going to be.

[00:10:54] I'm going to be this nurse.

[00:10:55] And I quickly found out, oh, not what I want to be.

[00:10:58] I left that.

[00:11:00] And then I thought, maybe I'll be a police officer.

[00:11:03] That's what I'll do.

[00:11:05] Apparently, like you really can't be a police officer when you're 300 pounds.

[00:11:09] Just kind of like trugging along and just trying to fit myself into these round holes.

[00:11:14] And I was like a square peg trying to fit myself in these round holes because I was trying to live out other people's expectations of me instead of focusing on who are you, Amanda?

[00:11:23] And what do you want for yourself?

[00:11:25] And I was just like I said, at this point in my life where it was just like survival every day was like, oh, God, I just can't wait to go to bed.

[00:11:34] The panic attacks.

[00:11:36] If anybody's ever had a panic attack, you know exactly what I'm talking about.

[00:11:39] I would not wish it on my worst enemy.

[00:11:42] Not that I have enemies, but if I ever did, that's not something I would want for anybody.

[00:11:45] But I remember having my daughter vividly, very vividly, and looking at her and saying to myself, she's going to be watching everything that I do.

[00:11:59] So what am I going to what am I doing with my life?

[00:12:02] Because I remember what it was like when I was growing up, when that I was growing up in that culture of do as I say, not as I do, you know.

[00:12:09] But what I took the most from people was who they were and not what they said.

[00:12:14] Right. Who they were as a person.

[00:12:16] I was a very observant child and I still am to this day.

[00:12:20] So I remember thinking that, oh, my gosh, like I did it.

[00:12:24] I'm a mom.

[00:12:25] I finally felt like a feeling of I had a place in this world.

[00:12:30] But at the same time, I was so scared because I knew who I was now was not the example that I wanted to be for her.

[00:12:38] Yeah.

[00:12:39] So I needed to do something for myself.

[00:12:41] And it took me that was like 2013.

[00:12:44] And I had that intention.

[00:12:46] But it's scary to change.

[00:12:48] Right. It's scary to like do work.

[00:12:50] It's not easy.

[00:12:51] Everyone says you have to change.

[00:12:53] You have to like heal yourself.

[00:12:55] It's hard.

[00:12:56] I got to a place in 2016 where my husband's father was diagnosed with lung cancer and it was terminal.

[00:13:03] And I remember him passing and he was like 59 wasn't even 60.

[00:13:09] So he was like so young.

[00:13:11] And he had and my daughter at the time was like four.

[00:13:14] So he had a grandbaby like he did not want to leave this earth.

[00:13:18] He was not ready to leave this earth.

[00:13:19] Right.

[00:13:19] So I that really hit me.

[00:13:21] That hit me hard.

[00:13:23] That was like a huge wake up call for me.

[00:13:25] And it was like, Amanda, this world, this life is not promised.

[00:13:29] You could be here today and healthy today and gone tomorrow.

[00:13:33] So what are you doing with yourself?

[00:13:36] And that's when I really got up off my ass.

[00:13:39] Can I say that word?

[00:13:40] I'm sorry.

[00:13:40] You can literally say any word you want to on this podcast.

[00:13:45] Okay.

[00:13:46] So then I was like, you got to shit or get off the pot as they say, right?

[00:13:49] Like you got to get up and do something and change your life.

[00:13:52] So for me, that was like my true wake up call.

[00:13:56] And I'm so grateful that I did it.

[00:13:58] And it was a rocky road of therapy and medication and just being very intentional and aware of my thoughts and my feelings.

[00:14:07] I remember and I brought this up because suicide awareness is this month and I we moved into our house.

[00:14:17] And I remember looking up at this rafter, a beam.

[00:14:24] And I remember saying, just having that thought, that would be, that would hold me.

[00:14:29] That would hold me.

[00:14:31] That'd be a good spot.

[00:14:33] And that's it.

[00:14:34] I'd still get like emotional when I say that because that for me was like, holy shit.

[00:14:41] Yeah.

[00:14:41] But I knew those thoughts were not mine.

[00:14:43] It was kind of like this sense of being that was created.

[00:14:48] And it was like I had that inner battle between who I wanted to be and who I currently was.

[00:14:55] And I had this really weird.

[00:14:58] This is gonna sound really strange, but if anyone is spiritual, if anyone is spiritual.

[00:15:05] I am.

[00:15:05] Okay.

[00:15:05] This is like a real thing that happened to me and a lot of people are like, oh, it's you went through.

[00:15:10] What is it?

[00:15:11] It's like when you're sleeping and you can't move, but you're aware.

[00:15:14] It's like a night.

[00:15:17] Sleep paralysis.

[00:15:18] Yes.

[00:15:19] Sleep paralysis.

[00:15:21] So it was like I was finally making for momentum in my life.

[00:15:26] And like I started doing gratitude.

[00:15:28] I found this thing on Pinterest.

[00:15:30] I don't ever know remember who posted it, but I wish I could because that person saved my life.

[00:15:34] And it was like start giving gratitude through the senses like gratitude saved my life.

[00:15:40] I started giving gratitude to the first thing I could hear, see, taste, touch and smell.

[00:15:45] And what that did was it started opening me.

[00:15:47] It started shifting that tide.

[00:15:49] I was going like this way of all these negative lack.

[00:15:52] So it started shifting that tide of making me open my eyes to the beauty around me.

[00:15:56] And then later that enabled me to look inward and see the beauty within me.

[00:16:01] So I was on that road and I was starting to feel better.

[00:16:04] But I was like still having my struggles.

[00:16:05] I was still very much in the thick of it.

[00:16:08] And I remember having this moment and I was like sleeping.

[00:16:12] And it was like, I kept waking up at 3am.

[00:16:18] And I woke up this one night.

[00:16:20] It was like 3am.

[00:16:21] And I was in like, I was broken out in a sweat.

[00:16:23] Like I was drenched.

[00:16:25] Like you would have thought someone threw a bucket of water on me.

[00:16:28] And I remember waking up almost like I was battling something.

[00:16:34] And I was like, this is me now.

[00:16:36] This is who I could.

[00:16:38] I woke up to myself speaking.

[00:16:39] This is me now.

[00:16:40] This is me now.

[00:16:43] And after that, and it was so weird.

[00:16:46] And I was so shook up that entire day, not knowing what the fuck just happened to me.

[00:16:49] I'm like, am I losing my mind?

[00:16:51] Am I crazy?

[00:16:53] Have I really went off the deep end?

[00:16:56] I have to tell you, I truly believe that my spirit was doing battles for me that I could

[00:17:02] not do consciously.

[00:17:05] And it was like almost like at a soul level.

[00:17:07] We were all one like mind, body, soul.

[00:17:10] Like we are making a change for the better.

[00:17:12] I have like goosebumps telling this story.

[00:17:14] And because after that instance, it almost felt a weight was lifted off of me.

[00:17:19] And after that day, I started getting better and better every single day.

[00:17:25] So it sounds crazy.

[00:17:27] For those of you who don't believe in the woo, listen, don't judge me for my experiences.

[00:17:34] I didn't ask for them.

[00:17:35] They just happened.

[00:17:36] But I have to tell you, like, it's a real thing.

[00:17:40] And your spirit, and I do like to this day, I call her, she's that quiet whisper.

[00:17:44] Or he is that quiet whisper that will become a loud roar.

[00:17:48] If you allow her to be heard.

[00:17:50] Right.

[00:17:50] Because we keep so much shit up here, like in our mind of what we're not, that what we can't

[00:17:55] do, what we what will never be.

[00:17:57] And that's, that's a choice.

[00:17:59] We created that shit.

[00:18:01] Right.

[00:18:01] There's always something in here.

[00:18:03] In that hard space.

[00:18:05] And I like to believe that that's our soul speaking to us.

[00:18:08] And if you let her listen, if you let her speak, she'll get louder and louder.

[00:18:13] And before you know it, like she just takes over the show.

[00:18:15] Yeah.

[00:18:16] So I thank whatever spirits, whatever angels, whatever God himself who was working with

[00:18:23] me that that night at 3am when I was drenched in sweat, because I truly believe in a higher

[00:18:29] power.

[00:18:30] And I truly believe that at the end of the day, we are spiritual beings having a human experience.

[00:18:35] And sometimes those higher beings got to step in because you're meant for great things here.

[00:18:40] That's exactly what happened with me.

[00:18:42] Mine was my glimmer.

[00:18:44] Thank God for that glimmer because I'm alive today.

[00:18:47] Between them, 988.

[00:18:49] My wife being home because as an extrovert, I held everything in.

[00:18:55] Nobody, absolutely nobody knew how depressed I was.

[00:18:58] And that glimmer saved my life.

[00:19:01] I'm totally, I'm a very spiritual beings.

[00:19:03] My higher power kind of shakes its head every now and then.

[00:19:08] And are you sure you want to do that?

[00:19:09] Yeah.

[00:19:10] I always trust my God.

[00:19:12] I've always been like a gut led person.

[00:19:15] Little did I know I was listening to my intuition.

[00:19:18] And I've always had people tell me, you're very intuitive.

[00:19:21] And I actually started out my journey like through Reiki and all of that and just trusted

[00:19:26] my gut of just listening and surrounding myself with people who were doing things that

[00:19:32] interested me.

[00:19:33] And once, and that's what I always say, even like professionally now when I speak to people,

[00:19:37] if you want to make change for yourself, whether it's your life, your business, whatever it

[00:19:42] is that you're doing, surround yourself with good people.

[00:19:45] Surround yourself with people that are three, five, seven steps ahead of the game.

[00:19:49] Because that's where you're going to learn the tools and you're going to gain the wisdom

[00:19:53] that you can apply to your life to change whatever it is that you're doing or who you're

[00:19:57] trying to become.

[00:19:58] Yeah.

[00:20:00] Where do you think you got the strength to make those changes from?

[00:20:03] Do you really think that it was in that moment or do you think that you seeing that or after

[00:20:08] was enough to shake you to your core to make your.

[00:20:12] I think the both of those things, because that right when I seen that, that was like all

[00:20:18] within the same time period.

[00:20:20] Like they all of that happened very close to one another.

[00:20:25] And a lot to do with that thought of seeing that rafter and having those thoughts was, I

[00:20:32] believe was the medication that I was on.

[00:20:34] So I was fortunate enough to know, okay, like these thoughts are not mine.

[00:20:39] This medication is obviously not doing what it should be doing for me.

[00:20:42] It's having the opposite effect.

[00:20:44] To that, I will say, just be very, like I mentioned, just being very intentional and very mindful

[00:20:51] when you are working with doctors and everything and they give you these medications.

[00:20:55] Just make sure that those thoughts are not going to take you off the deep end.

[00:21:00] I was conscious enough to realize this is not me.

[00:21:04] Like never to that extent, but I felt the possibility of this could very much be a reality for me

[00:21:13] if I don't do something right.

[00:21:16] Yeah.

[00:21:16] And also not solely relying on medication, which was something that at that time I was doing

[00:21:25] like, okay, I'm just going to take this every day and it's going to cure me.

[00:21:29] Right.

[00:21:30] So being able to be like, okay, you have to make like an active change.

[00:21:35] You have to do something and find something for yourself, Amanda.

[00:21:38] So I put that intention out there and that's when I found the gratitude.

[00:21:41] And then that moment when I had like in my bed, when I was like fighting off what I like

[00:21:47] to believe was the version of me that I didn't want to be, that honestly was like my moment

[00:21:54] of holy shit.

[00:21:56] Like, yeah, this is crazy.

[00:21:58] Wake up call.

[00:21:58] Yeah.

[00:21:59] This was like, this is real.

[00:22:01] And this is, but you know what?

[00:22:03] It kind of gave me a power because it was like, oh, I do have a choice.

[00:22:07] Because I feel like sometimes when you get so stuck in that, you feel like you don't have

[00:22:11] a choice to change.

[00:22:12] Right?

[00:22:12] Yeah.

[00:22:13] It's like the, this is it.

[00:22:15] Yeah.

[00:22:16] It's like the, this is it mentality.

[00:22:17] Right.

[00:22:18] I'm here now and this is it.

[00:22:20] Right.

[00:22:20] This is my life.

[00:22:21] Everything happened to me.

[00:22:23] And I was very much in that.

[00:22:24] And not that I don't, I do believe there should be in everything that you experience in life.

[00:22:29] Those things do happen to you.

[00:22:32] I hate when people are like, oh, everything happens for you.

[00:22:35] Okay.

[00:22:35] Well, let's sit in a little bit.

[00:22:37] That shit does happen to us.

[00:22:39] Let's not glaze over that because some shit is fucking horrible.

[00:22:43] Yeah.

[00:22:44] Yeah.

[00:22:45] But there comes a choice where you have to make for yourself.

[00:22:47] Am I going to do the work to look for the for me, no matter how horrible that is?

[00:22:53] I know now I went through what I went through to be a stronger person, to have a mind of my

[00:22:58] own, to live out my own passion and purpose, to be confident, to be a woman that knows her

[00:23:02] worth, to be a woman of boundaries, knowing that boundaries is the name of the game and

[00:23:07] they're meant to keep people in, not keep people out.

[00:23:09] But that was really a hard lesson and I had to go back.

[00:23:13] And I always call it like the onion.

[00:23:15] You got to peel back another layer of the onion to get like the deeper message.

[00:23:20] And I'm always doing that.

[00:23:21] I feel it's always an ever evolving thing, right?

[00:23:24] Our experiences are ours.

[00:23:27] Yeah.

[00:23:27] They never leave us.

[00:23:29] They never disappear.

[00:23:30] No matter what spiritual work you get done or their, your experiences are yours.

[00:23:35] And they're valid.

[00:23:36] There will always be things that come up in life when you're, you know,

[00:23:39] challenging yourself and you're taking a next level.

[00:23:42] And those past things may come back up, right?

[00:23:45] Yeah.

[00:23:45] And then that's where you have to step in and peel back another layer and say, okay,

[00:23:49] let's see what you got for me here.

[00:23:51] Yeah.

[00:23:53] What, what changes did you notice after that event happened?

[00:23:56] Maybe in your life, I guess.

[00:23:58] What did it help you get through?

[00:24:00] It honestly, I never realized how hard I was on myself.

[00:24:04] And it was because people were so hard on me.

[00:24:08] When I found gratitude, it then opened up the door to just being, giving myself grace and having compassion for myself.

[00:24:17] And then once I started doing that for me, I was able to do that for other people, including my mom.

[00:24:24] Mm-hmm .

[00:24:26] And my mom was a cause of a lot of my issues and problems in life.

[00:24:32] And now me and my mom have a great relationship.

[00:24:34] We're girls.

[00:24:35] And if you were to say that to me, like, 10 years ago, 10 years ago, like you and your mom are going to have this great relationship.

[00:24:44] And you were, I would have been like, you're out of here, mother.

[00:24:47] Leave in mind.

[00:24:49] Um, but no, like, when I was able to give that to myself, I was able to give it to other people.

[00:24:56] And I realized that my mom was only, she was doing the best that she could with what she had.

[00:25:01] She had a lot of things that she couldn't overcome at the moment in that chapter of her life.

[00:25:08] Yeah.

[00:25:08] And it affected how she, who she was as a person and how she made her moves.

[00:25:13] And I was able to forgive her for a lot of that.

[00:25:17] And it's, was more so for me.

[00:25:20] Being able to, it's not like what's the bear, right?

[00:25:24] Right.

[00:25:24] Like, weight was lifted off the shoulders.

[00:25:27] Um, and then, you know, I was able to really tap in and figure out my own life.

[00:25:32] Cause I was just so stuck in that.

[00:25:33] This happened to me.

[00:25:34] This is, you know, like stuck in that narrative that kept repeating itself that I was ignoring

[00:25:39] what I should be focusing on, which was my life and the things I wanted to do for myself.

[00:25:44] Yeah.

[00:25:45] I remember at some point in my life, I think recognizing that my mom was a human being.

[00:25:51] That sounds crazy, but I remember, I feel like I was like dying her hair or something.

[00:25:57] And she was just sharing stories of her upbringing.

[00:26:01] And what I had known of her life growing up was very limited.

[00:26:05] Yeah.

[00:26:05] And then as an adult, having her share stories with me, it put things into perspective where

[00:26:11] I was like, Oh, that's right.

[00:26:14] Like you are a person.

[00:26:17] And while I may not have agreed with everything that, you know, you picked or chose in your life,

[00:26:22] like, I understand why now, like, I'm like, there were other circumstances that I didn't

[00:26:27] know as a child.

[00:26:28] And I remember that being like a very pivotal moment for us because I was daddy's girl through

[00:26:34] and through me and my mom oil and water.

[00:26:38] And then finding that moment of, Oh shit.

[00:26:41] Yeah.

[00:26:41] Okay.

[00:26:41] Now I understand why you do these things or did this, that.

[00:26:45] And it was very, and now we talk every day.

[00:26:48] I call her every fucking day, called her on my way to Starbucks this morning.

[00:26:51] She didn't answer, pulled her up on the life 360 app.

[00:26:55] Where's her phone at?

[00:26:56] She's answering my phone.

[00:26:57] But that is our relationship now.

[00:26:59] And I would have never guessed, but that would happen.

[00:27:02] So yeah, I can relate to you sharing that there.

[00:27:05] It's hard when you have to take people off their pedestal, right?

[00:27:09] Yeah.

[00:27:09] As parents, as kids growing up, your parents, they put you on a pedestal, but sometimes

[00:27:14] and you put them on a pedestal.

[00:27:16] That's my mom.

[00:27:17] That's my dad.

[00:27:18] But you have to remember too, they're people.

[00:27:20] They're people just like me, just like you, just like you, Gratia.

[00:27:24] And it's, they make mistakes too.

[00:27:26] They have their own shit too.

[00:27:28] When I feel as generations go on, like my friend's son is 20.

[00:27:35] And the emotional intelligence that he has at 20, I did not have that at 20 years old.

[00:27:43] So I just, like we're doing the work for generations to come.

[00:27:47] Like we're the chain breaker.

[00:27:49] Yeah.

[00:27:49] I'm like, you know what, mom?

[00:27:51] Let me do this for you.

[00:27:52] I never thought about that.

[00:27:54] Yeah.

[00:27:55] Never thought about that.

[00:27:55] You're so right.

[00:27:57] So right.

[00:27:58] I, my son is so confident.

[00:28:00] And so like emotionally intelligent.

[00:28:03] And I'm like, where did that come from?

[00:28:04] But I think your point there is, yeah, I wanted very intentional with how we raised our son

[00:28:10] because I don't want him to have certain characteristics of things that I saw as a child and make sense.

[00:28:16] Look at us.

[00:28:17] Look at us.

[00:28:18] Look at us.

[00:28:18] I'd love to, if my parents were alive, I'd love to have those conversations with them, right?

[00:28:23] Of who I was back then versus who I am now and how I turned out.

[00:28:27] I think I turned out to be an okay adult.

[00:28:29] You are.

[00:28:30] You're wonderful.

[00:28:31] Yeah.

[00:28:31] I guess I turned out to be an okay person, but hearing it from you guys' standpoints

[00:28:37] and teaching your kids like emotional intelligence and giving them the tools that they're going to need because they don't teach mental health in school.

[00:28:46] They should, but they don't.

[00:28:48] And by you guys being good parents and passing that on to them, I think that gives us a little hope that the next generation will approach life with better intentions.

[00:29:00] Absolutely.

[00:29:01] Yeah.

[00:29:02] Yeah.

[00:29:03] Can I ask you what tools you use for yourself to stay focused?

[00:29:08] To stay sane.

[00:29:09] Yeah.

[00:29:13] Staying focused, same difference.

[00:29:15] To stay focused.

[00:29:17] I, oh gosh, where do I begin?

[00:29:20] I do a lot of stuff.

[00:29:22] Like you mentioned the gratitude and I'm like, oh, I should try that.

[00:29:26] I do gratitude.

[00:29:27] I do meditation.

[00:29:28] Meditation.

[00:29:28] And I do like several forms of meditation because I know some people are like eye roll meditation.

[00:29:35] They're like, ugh.

[00:29:36] And it's not for everybody in that form, but I will tell you there are a lot of times when you're meditating, you don't even realize you're meditating.

[00:29:42] For example, like any parents out there folding laundry.

[00:29:45] Do you ever have a moment with yourself when you're folding laundry?

[00:29:48] Like I use it as like my, this is my me time.

[00:29:51] I'm going to have conversations with myself.

[00:29:53] I'm going to go over like things.

[00:29:56] Maybe I had like interactions with friends that I need to revisit and I didn't like the way that happened or just my husband, things with him.

[00:30:04] It's my time where I like just let things flow in.

[00:30:08] And that's meditation.

[00:30:10] If you're driving.

[00:30:10] I wish I was on that level.

[00:30:12] Sometimes if you're driving in a car, right?

[00:30:14] And you zone out and then you're like, how the hell did I get here?

[00:30:18] Oh, yeah.

[00:30:18] You were in a state of meditation.

[00:30:20] Yeah.

[00:30:21] So I know crisscross applesauce isn't for everybody in the only, but just find something that works for you.

[00:30:27] Find something where you can kind of just clear your head.

[00:30:29] So that's what I try to do.

[00:30:31] Meditation and debunking the word balance because I know a lot of people, especially in business, people who like to share their wisdom are like,

[00:30:40] I have to find balance.

[00:30:42] And I'm like, balance is bullshit.

[00:30:44] That's a bullshit word.

[00:30:45] It makes no sense.

[00:30:46] You will never have balance.

[00:30:48] There will always be something.

[00:30:50] It's the truth.

[00:30:51] I mean, I guess in the grand scheme of things, for me, making time for my kids is important.

[00:30:56] Focusing on my business is important.

[00:30:58] Focusing on my marriage is important.

[00:31:00] And having time for myself and my friends is important.

[00:31:03] So in order for me to put one or two of those things on the front burner, something's got to go on the back burner, right?

[00:31:10] So it's like, the scale is never going to be like this.

[00:31:14] There's always going to be something that's here and something that's here.

[00:31:17] But as long as you constantly do that, and you're not always on, you're going to overcook something if you keep it on the front burner for too long.

[00:31:24] And I found that out when I was like, just so hyper focused on my business.

[00:31:29] And I was in my office and I was like, I'm like a hermit.

[00:31:32] Where are my kids?

[00:31:33] What are my kids doing?

[00:31:35] And they're with my husband and I was like, I didn't spend one minute with my kids today.

[00:31:39] That's where I knew I needed to start making changes.

[00:31:42] So balance is bullshit.

[00:31:43] If you ask me, you're always going to have to move something to the front.

[00:31:47] But if you look at it like a stove, how I do all my things are food oriented because I'm foodie, you always got to rotate the burners, there's always got to be something that's got to come off and go to the back and bring something to the front.

[00:31:59] So I always, you know, find importance in that.

[00:32:03] So I can have that feeling of I had time with my kids.

[00:32:06] I had time with my friends.

[00:32:07] Me and my girlfriends always do girls weekend like twice a year, maybe sometimes seasonally.

[00:32:14] Our husbands sometimes bitch and complain.

[00:32:16] But and what's funny to a lot of our moms never saw they would be like, what are you going away and leaving your kids and having a girls weekend?

[00:32:26] And we're like, yeah.

[00:32:28] Yeah.

[00:32:29] Because that's important.

[00:32:30] Like you can't pour from an empty cup.

[00:32:32] I need to have my me time.

[00:32:34] I need to have time with my friends.

[00:32:36] I need to have time to to gossip and bitch about things with my girlfriends so that I feel like I'm able and ready to come back and be a mom and be a wife.

[00:32:46] That's it's how it is.

[00:32:48] But they didn't do that for themselves.

[00:32:50] So it's hard to see that, see the sense in doing that, that we're doing that.

[00:32:54] Yeah.

[00:32:55] But I'm like, try it.

[00:32:56] See how you like it.

[00:32:58] Yeah, I might take the stick out of your ass.

[00:33:01] I'm just kidding.

[00:33:02] Yeah, that's literally right.

[00:33:03] Yeah, it's crazy.

[00:33:04] People just expect moms to be moms and you're not allowed to have time for yourself because that's selfish.

[00:33:09] No, because I bitch at you about that all the time, Dirty Skittles.

[00:33:13] And I'm going to keep on that.

[00:33:14] I'm surprised you haven't.

[00:33:14] Yeah.

[00:33:15] She does.

[00:33:16] She asks me daily.

[00:33:16] What have you done for yourself today?

[00:33:18] No, go get a massage.

[00:33:20] Go like, have a girls weekend or just go by yourself.

[00:33:23] Go to an event.

[00:33:25] I'm serious.

[00:33:25] It's like, you need to do that.

[00:33:27] You need to do that.

[00:33:28] Right.

[00:33:29] I implore everybody to do it.

[00:33:30] And we always have a good time.

[00:33:32] Those are some of the things I do.

[00:33:34] I love that.

[00:33:35] I love all of these.

[00:33:36] Even for the boomer that I am, some of that stuff I can do for myself.

[00:33:41] Because I've been in a lot.

[00:33:43] So I'm in a lot of networking groups through social audio apps.

[00:33:47] And a lot of them are women who are old enough to be my mother and beyond.

[00:33:53] And a lot of them are in this season now of generationally, a lot of those women didn't

[00:33:59] do what I do.

[00:34:01] And they're in a season of just now they're empty nesters.

[00:34:06] Mm hmm.

[00:34:07] And they're like, who am I?

[00:34:11] Yeah.

[00:34:12] Scary.

[00:34:12] Because they've only been mom.

[00:34:16] Right.

[00:34:17] And they have no sense of what's for them.

[00:34:19] So they're now doing all those things for themselves that they should have been doing all

[00:34:25] along.

[00:34:26] And they're always like, I wish I would have done what you do.

[00:34:29] Because I always share.

[00:34:29] I'm like, have a girls weekend.

[00:34:31] You're going to get a massage.

[00:34:32] And some people think it's crazy, but the ones who get it.

[00:34:36] Mm hmm.

[00:34:36] I love that.

[00:34:37] I love that.

[00:34:39] I have two quick questions for you.

[00:34:42] First question, if you can go back to a younger version of yourself to give yourself a bit

[00:34:47] of advice.

[00:34:48] What would you tell your younger version?

[00:34:50] And how old is your younger version?

[00:34:53] Hmm.

[00:34:55] Let's see where do I want to go.

[00:34:58] I would say I would probably go back to your old me.

[00:35:06] I would go back to me at 15.

[00:35:08] And I would say to her.

[00:35:13] That you're going to grow up to be an amazing person.

[00:35:17] And it's going to be really hard.

[00:35:19] But nothing worth doing is easy.

[00:35:21] And there's going to be moments where you feel like quitting.

[00:35:24] There's going to be moments where you feel like not waking up.

[00:35:28] But you're going to do it.

[00:35:30] Because you have a huge purpose in this world and you may not see it yet.

[00:35:36] But it's waiting for you.

[00:35:38] And it'll call for you.

[00:35:40] Just make sure you answer.

[00:35:42] That's what I would say.

[00:35:44] I love that.

[00:35:45] Yeah.

[00:35:46] What do you think has been the hardest lesson you've had to learn so far?

[00:35:51] Oh, gosh.

[00:35:53] There's a lot.

[00:35:56] Well, you've got folding laundry down because...

[00:35:59] Oh, gosh.

[00:35:59] The hardest lesson I would have to learn is the people that mean most to you are...

[00:36:11] And it goes along with what we said today.

[00:36:14] The people that mean the most to you are...

[00:36:16] They're only human.

[00:36:18] You may think they're this superwoman or man.

[00:36:22] But, you know, they got their own shit.

[00:36:25] And not everybody can support you the way that you expect them to.

[00:36:31] And that's where you come in.

[00:36:36] Thank you.

[00:36:37] I love that.

[00:36:38] I love all of this, Miss Amanda.

[00:36:41] Amanda, where can our listeners find you?

[00:36:43] You can find me.

[00:36:45] I'm on the Instagram streets for the most part.

[00:36:48] So you can find me on Instagram.

[00:36:50] AmandaYoa.official.

[00:36:51] I'm probably doing something crazy on there.

[00:36:54] But I promise you, it's worth your while.

[00:36:58] So tap in.

[00:36:59] Give your girl a follow.

[00:37:00] Shoot me a DM.

[00:37:01] I love talking to people.

[00:37:03] That's where you can find me.

[00:37:05] Thank you so much for spending this time with us.

[00:37:08] Yes.

[00:37:08] I appreciate it.

[00:37:09] Thank you.

[00:37:11] I love this.

[00:37:11] Thank you.

[00:37:13] You're welcome.

[00:37:14] Hi, all.

[00:37:15] Thank you so much for listening to this episode.

[00:37:17] I'm G-Rex.

[00:37:18] And I'm Dirty Skittles.

[00:37:19] Don't forget to subscribe, rate and review this podcast.

[00:37:22] We'd love to listen to your feedback.

[00:37:25] We can't do this without you guys.

[00:37:28] It's okay to be not okay.

[00:37:30] Just make sure you're talking to someone.

[00:37:31] Just make sure you're talking to someone.

[00:37:32] Thank you.