Part 1: Rewriting the Narrative: KK's Courageous Journey to Sobriety, Self-Acceptance, and Mental Wellness

Dirty Skittles [00:00:00]:
Rio, I have coffee. I need to wake up. Wake my ass up. What are you drinking?

KK [00:00:04]:
Goodness tea. Nice. Chicken tea.

G-Rex [00:00:07]:
No. I'm not. I'm I'm totally into these 2 chicks, vodka, elder elderflower, and pear cocktails. They are fantastic. It's like joy in a can. Oh,

Dirty Skittles [00:00:23]:
Do you wanna pitch them again? Hey.

G-Rex [00:00:26]:
I pitch them when I post. So now I do, like, a a a picture of the hat With 2 of these, like, next to it Nice. I'm I'm trying to get them as a sponsor.

KK [00:00:38]:
Nice.

G-Rex [00:00:57]:
3, 2 1.

Dirty Skittles [00:01:01]:
1. Welcome back to another episode of shit that goes on in our heads. I'm Dirty Skittles.

G-Rex [00:01:08]:
And I'm G Rex.

Dirty Skittles [00:01:10]:
And today, we are joined by Kay Kay. Hey, Kay Kay. How are you?

KK [00:01:15]:
Hi, everybody. Thank you for having me.

Dirty Skittles [00:01:17]:
Ready to get into this? I'm sweaty for no reason.

KK [00:01:20]:
Seam. Seam.

G-Rex [00:01:23]:
I don't know what you 2 are crying about. I woke up. It was 40 this morning.

Dirty Skittles [00:01:28]:
4.40? Got it.

G-Rex [00:01:30]:
Put I have to put socks and pants on today. I haven't had socks and pants on since last winter.

Dirty Skittles [00:01:36]:
I'm surprised you own socks and pants.

G-Rex [00:01:38]:
I live in upstate New York. Why would I not I have socks

Dirty Skittles [00:01:41]:
I've never seen you wear socks or pants.

G-Rex [00:01:44]:
Okay. Just because I refuse to wear a bra doesn't mean I'm gonna refuse to wear socks or pants. You know, when it gets, like, 30 outside. You don't that's a necessity. A bra is not a necessity. Unless you have unless I'm running. So Then it's a necessity.

Dirty Skittles [00:01:59]:
You're out there snow blowing snow. No braun?

G-Rex [00:02:03]:
I don't I don't blow the snow. You wanna know why I don't blow snow? For anybody that knows me, I am 411. I have really tiny hands. My hands do not fit On the controllers for the snowblower. I can push a shovel, but I can't do the snowblower.

KK [00:02:24]:
Speaking of things that they only tested on men, snowblowers.

G-Rex [00:02:29]:
Cute. Like, there's other women out there that have Small hands.

Dirty Skittles [00:02:36]:
I love that. Well, KK.

KK [00:02:38]:
We just we just got crash test dummies. We finally in 2 2023, we have, like, a woman crash test dummy. So maybe snowblowers are next on the list where they're like, maybe we should Consider a woman during this as well. I don't know.

Dirty Skittles [00:02:52]:
I you know, I never thought about it, but yeah. That's crazy. Yeah. Well, KK, welcome. What are you comfortable sharing with the world today?

KK [00:03:03]:
So, by the way, y'all, let me just gas you up really quick. I think oh, I you you know what? Sometimes you live in this world and you don't get gassed up enough, so let me gas you up. I just think y'all are doing such an amazing job. Thank you. And you have something like, your authenticity is just It is unparalleled. So I just want y'all to know that it's amazing, and it's really touching a lot of people. I listen. I hey.

KK [00:03:30]:
Listen. I just want you to know that. And I'm honored I'm honored to be here and talk with y'all today. So, we had had a conversation before this Mhmm. Talking about mental health, talking about journeys, trying to figure out what we we're going to talk about today, and I thought that This might be a good opening because it's a safe place. I haven't talked about this before. Yeah. To talk about my journey going alcohol free, which has been the past 9 months of my life, and I have been Down a hole of research.

KK [00:04:04]:
And, yeah, I just if any I'm when I say I'm not comfortable talking about this yet, like, it's Hard because I spent a lot of my life I don't know. Like, there was joy alcohol brought to me in a way. Like, I never really I always knew that it didn't work for me. Like, I'm the type of person that can, like, literally get drunk off of a beer. And so I was like, I'm not like the rest. You know? But I never really I never really took a look at, like, what it was doing, not only to me, but to women. And to lots of people, not just women, but women is a really interesting case study. So, yeah, so I wanna talk about that today, but also want everyone to know that I do not judge you.

KK [00:04:46]:
This is still weird for me. Like, I want you to live your life. You're drinking with a glass of wine. This is just my story, But there also are some people that might relate to what I'm saying so this helps you in any way. Like, I just I feel compelled to start talking about this.

Dirty Skittles [00:05:02]:
So Yeah. Well, first, congrats on the coming sober for 9 months. That's awesome. Yeah.

G-Rex [00:05:07]:
And and, you know, this is a good time to even kind of plug some of the merchandise. So we have an adult sippy cup. And I'm just saying, well, I said, listen. Because some people don't drink. Right? But we all have a problem tipping our drinks over. This one's got a lid on. I need it. Do.

G-Rex [00:05:25]:
Yeah. Oh my god. I broke skittles. Are you okay?

Dirty Skittles [00:05:30]:
This is just a weird sideway, bud. What

G-Rex [00:05:33]:
no. I No weirder than the intro. Alright. So we haven't done before?

Dirty Skittles [00:05:39]:
The sippy cup can be used for other things besides alcohol.

KK [00:05:42]:
Yeah. That's Listen. And that's how you're inclusive now because a lot of people are going alcohol free Yeah. To get right now. So being able to say my sippy cups are not Just for booze? Now you're being inclusive.

Dirty Skittles [00:05:55]:
Yeah. There you have it. Well, I I don't know your story yet, but I Can imagine it might not have been the easiest ride. Is that fair to say? To to go from booze to no booze, or was it easy?

KK [00:06:09]:
I don't know about that. I I honestly like, I have had to reanalyze and redefine a lot of beliefs that I've had. So I'll tell you about that a little bit in the process. But I because I it also, like, hasn't been that hard. So Like yeah. So yeah. I I'll I'll get to that, though. But, no, it has not I think that sometimes that is a Conception that people have is whenever they take out of their life that they're always gonna be longing for it, and, like, it's gonna be this hard thing.

KK [00:06:43]:
And there are things that are hard, but it's also like, there's so much joy that comes out of it too Okay. Which you don't hear enough stories like that.

Dirty Skittles [00:06:53]:
Yeah. No. I mean, I would yeah. I I'm part of that that group where I'm thinking, like, soon as you take something completely away, you miss it. So, yeah, wherever you're comfortable starting, I'd love to hear your story.

KK [00:07:06]:
Okay. So I wanna tell I wanna tell y'all a little bit of my story about, My mental health story, and then and then I'll tell you how alcohol was a piece of that. So I Grew up in Texas, and I have been a lifelong people pleaser, which I think a lot of millennials are. Right? I don't, I mean, I do kind of know what it is, but that's something that we share is, like, this element of self sacrifice. Mhmm. And so when I was younger, I started this grad school program, like, really not knowing anything about anything and leadership and org development when I was, like, I just turned 23.

G-Rex [00:07:46]:
Wow.

KK [00:07:46]:
And, like and I my first paper I wrote was on leadership, and I was like, I don't know what the Fuck this is. Like I love that. I was like, what?

G-Rex [00:08:00]:
I was my baby shouldn't.

KK [00:08:03]:
And I talk you know, like, that's my profession now. It is, you know, helping develop leadership development programs. I've done it for a long time. But and this goes along with what I'll talk about with alcohol is that the definition I had in my head didn't make sense because of what had been put in there by society. So, like, Even today, especially women and introverts, those are the 2 areas that are neglected a lot with leadership. It's like you ask people what that word means in their brain, Like, what image comes up? Superheroes? Superheroes. Yeah. Like, Men.

KK [00:08:39]:
Mhmm. And not shorties. Right? The shorties. No. Very. It's tall. Right? They have to have those broad shoulders. Like and and extroverts.

KK [00:08:49]:
Right? Mhmm. That's a that's a big one. Usually, that that tall man is wearing a suit. And I always use this in my presentations that, like, even if you go to, like, it like, to to image stock. Right?

G-Rex [00:09:02]:
Yeah.

KK [00:09:02]:
And you put in leader, like, that's even what You get like, it's not our fault. The reason we think that way, but the science behind leadership is something very different. It is like communication. It is emotional intelligence. It's being able to, like, Understand human beings. Understand why they're motivated. Like, those are not qualities that yes. If you're a Paul, man, that's on a stage and super extrovert.

KK [00:09:30]:
You can have those qualities, but they're just 2 very different things. Right? Like, there's no image that goes with having those capabilities of understanding other humans. So I wrote this first essay, and I was Like and I did all this research, and I was like, this is so weird. But then I mean, I was really young at that time, but I was like, You know? I I I mean, I like to talk people into things. No.

G-Rex [00:09:59]:
You never.

KK [00:10:02]:
Whichever. I mean, I've always liked to talk people into things. I'm like, let's Go do this crazy thing. And, you know, I was, like, the captain of my track team, and I was like, oh, maybe I did. I was kind of a leader. Like, that Feels weird, but I guess I guess, maybe, that That is something that has been inside of me. And so I started doing more and more research. But inside of that program, We had to start with learning how to lead ourselves.

KK [00:10:39]:
And so there were these 2 books. 1 was on resilience, the other one was this book called a prisoner of our thoughts.

Dirty Skittles [00:10:47]:
Oh, I'm writing this down. That sounds super interesting.

KK [00:10:51]:
And I was like, oh my God. Because I had never I I feel like the generations coming behind us get this stuff earlier as they should. But I start opening these books, and it's talking about how mean we are to ourselves and, like, different, like, Cognitive distortions that we have, like, going down a spiral. So I'm I'm also, like, very ADHD. And where while it's helped a lot of Pieces of my life and my career that there's a like, I lose stuff sometimes. Like, my short my long term memory, like, can go to the Olympics. My short term memory needs an assistant. Like Like,

Dirty Skittles [00:11:38]:
cars? Excuse me.

G-Rex [00:11:40]:
Are you alright? If you spit your coffee out, I'm gonna die a rat over here.

KK [00:11:49]:
Like, cars when they started having, like, the key codes on the side and, like, being able to have alarms so you know where your Phone is is like the like, I I love my children. Those are the best things that have ever happened to me. So, anyways, like, I would and then I was young at that time, but I would do these things where I would, like, lose my company phone. And I would go down the spiral of being like, someone's gonna figure out that I have ADHD, and then they're gonna, like, find out that I can't be responsible for anything. And then they're gonna demote me. And if they don't demote me, they're gonna fire me. And then I'm not gonna have any money, and then I'm gonna, like, be home like, I mean, my mind would go to these Terrible places. And then I start reading this book, and I find out that it's normal.

KK [00:12:37]:
And I find out that, like, you're One of my favorite mantras is is that I am not my mind. So, like, like, these things that I was telling myself, Like, I could say, hey, thoughts. Thank you. You're trying to keep me safe, but I I'm gonna put that I always say, like, my mental thing is I put I put negative self talk on a boat in the middle of, like, a very calm sea. Like, that's I like I like okay. I see that. Thank you. Thanks, frame.

KK [00:13:03]:
Cool. Nope. I'm gonna take that thought that goes on that boat in a calm sea. You know? So I start kinda going down this path, and I start realizing that I am I I can change the way that I talk to myself. And but I still don't get totally there. I don't I didn't start doing, like, yoga and meditation until after my first son was born. And I but but that was a really big change in my life. So my first son was Born, and I was still in this, like, very, like, self sacrifice.

KK [00:13:40]:
Like, I'll give everything to myself, to my company, to my relationship. Like, And don't like, I don't matter. Everybody else does. Right? And then my my first son was born, and I was in labor with him for 56 hours.

Dirty Skittles [00:13:54]:
Oh my word.

KK [00:13:56]:
And yeah. They put me through 2 rounds of induction. So I was, like and, like, then they were coming in, and they were checking me, like, every 20 minutes. Mhmm. So I wasn't sleeping. And everyone at one time oh, this is Sorry. Like, this whole thing is gonna be a trigger warning. At one point in time, I'm, like, sitting here like a dead human being, and someone comes in.

KK [00:14:20]:
They're like, we're gonna break your water. So they, like, put, like, a like, this horrible, like, torture device, and it didn't work So and I was like, I'm gonna I'm gonna die. Right?

G-Rex [00:14:31]:
Like Yeah. And then and

KK [00:14:32]:
then I have them, and they let me go home from the hospital, And no one told me I was gonna have, like, PTSD.

Dirty Skittles [00:14:41]:
Oh my gosh. I can relate so hard right now. Yeah.

KK [00:14:44]:
I mean and I would go to my follow-up appointments, and the doctors would, like, to, like, come near me, and I'd be like, do not fucking touch me. Like, do not get anywhere near me. Like, This is, like, been I am not okay right now. And everyone would be like, you're gonna get the baby blues, but I didn't have the baby blues. Like, I had been through an insane experience. Mhmm. So, yeah, like, that whole thing and then, like, your first Child breaks you anyways. I always say it's like a portal.

Dirty Skittles [00:15:15]:
They do.

KK [00:15:18]:
Anytime I'm talking to, like, women at work and, you know, like, there's I see a everybody goes to the same process. Like, before baby, they're like, I'm the best worker that anyone's ever worked before in the history of working. I'm like,

G-Rex [00:15:32]:
just wait.

KK [00:15:35]:
I'm like, you're about to go through the portal, and it's gonna be weird.

Dirty Skittles [00:15:39]:
Yeah. That's rough.

KK [00:15:44]:
So I have PTSD. I have him, and I'm still, like, I'm still at this point where, like, I have this newborn, but I'm, like, trying to take care of my Husband at the same time. Yeah. And, like, I was like because he had had some, like, bouts with insomnia. So I was really afraid that, like, this newborn was gonna, like, Make it so he couldn't sleep again. So, again, like, I was self sacrificing everything. I was like, well, I'll go sleep in the baby's room, so maybe the baby doesn't wake you up. And, like, looking back on that, I'm like, oh my god.

KK [00:16:13]:
Because when my 2nd kid, I was like, I'm a fucking queen. He'll be in this Bad. Yes. Like, I had got through so much work that I was like, I will have a night nurse. You will all serve me. Right? Like

Dirty Skittles [00:16:28]:
Both sides of the coin. Bizzle, maybe we needed to have that second one after all

KK [00:16:34]:
because I never made it to that side of the coin. My god. The 2nd one is so much better. You're, like, so chill.

Dirty Skittles [00:16:42]:
I would I literally got so good at, like, Knowing when he was gonna get up before he got up, and I would, like, same as you. Like, I was, like, I don't want him to wake up Bizzle Because, god forbid, he doesn't get enough sleep. Right? So, like, I would hear him, like, rustle, and I was up bottle ready, changing him, reswaddling him, bottle in the mouth he even cried, I was like,

KK [00:17:03]:
Oh my god. Yeah. Same. And I look back at that that girl or that woman in that situation, and I'm like, honey. Like, I'm like, oh, sweetheart. Like, this didn't you but you But that's what your 1st baby is. It's a portal. Because I think for the first time in your life, if you don't take care of you, which none of us do, Then then it doesn't like, you have to because this other human relies on you being healthy.

KK [00:17:37]:
So I started going one of my friends at alt at Ulti, like, she was going to this This woman that, you know, was like a healer, and I was like I was like, alright. I'm gonna go check this out. She was raving about her. And, I mean, still to this day is, like, one of the most wonderful, beautiful, magical humans I've ever met in my life.

Dirty Skittles [00:17:57]:
Nice.

KK [00:17:57]:
And in my. And she helped me with so much that I probably should have known, but, like, I just didn't know anything. Like, my 1st session with her, she sat down, and she was like, what do you value about yourself? Oh, shit.

Dirty Skittles [00:18:12]:
You're like, I gotta go.

G-Rex [00:18:14]:
I'll be right back

Dirty Skittles [00:18:15]:
and never come back.

KK [00:18:16]:
I start, like I I'm like I feel my eyes getting watery. And I was like, well, I'm a I think I'm a good mom. I'm, like, a good friend. I'm really good to my employer. I'm a good wife. Like, I love my husband. I love, you know, And she was like, I didn't ask that. Yeah.

KK [00:18:34]:
I asked what you valued about yourself, and I was like, I don't I never thought about I don't I don't Right. I've I've never thought I mattered before. Right? But it's true. And I was like, well, I mean, I don't know. I'm kind of funny. I I'm a hard worker. And she was like and and then I started crying, and she was like, you just gotta that's just the first step. And it was so powerful, and I was like, oh, like, I I have to think about myself.

KK [00:19:07]:
Right? Right. And then it, like and then we kinda had, like, these little lessons every day, and she taught me about boundaries, Which that, like, melted my mind all over the floor. I was like, wait. People can't just do whatever they want to you, and you just, like, sit by and accept it? This is confusing.

Dirty Skittles [00:19:28]:
1st step, knowing you matter. 2nd step, Letting people know you matter.

KK [00:19:32]:
Stop being a doorman. Yeah.

Dirty Skittles [00:19:34]:
Check. Yeah. I mean, it's true. It starts small for sure.

KK [00:19:42]:
Yeah. Start small for sure. Yeah. And then I just kind of I kinda Started going from there. And, I mean, I think if anybody met me even at that time, they'd be like, oh, you're so self confident. You're so brave. You're so this and that. But it wasn't really what was going on in the inside.

KK [00:19:58]:
So, anyways and then I started really starting again. By the time my 2nd son came along, I was, like, in a total I I was totally the reverse son. It was like, this this girl is set. But there was this other piece of that. So I started doing yoga. I started meditating. I started, like, like, really paying paying attention to more to my thoughts even than, like, putting them on that that boat. Right? And I started going to therapy.

KK [00:20:23]:
I started doing all this stuff and really, like, getting strong in my sense of self. But there was still this thread that was happening, which had to do with alcohol. Alcohol. So and and I wanna just be really clear with this that this is my story. I I am very I'm Still not comfortable talking about this because there's still that piece of me that, like, loves to party that's still there.

Dirty Skittles [00:20:47]:
Mhmm.

KK [00:20:48]:
And I'm like, I don't wanna Take that joy of partying away from people. But, yeah, like, I would I I probably, like, started, like, drinking as a way of, like, socializing with people. Actually, later on, like, it wasn't till I got to college because I was such an athlete in high school. But but then I got to college and, especially, like, anybody that want whoo. Millennials. We didn't have social media. Like, we, like, we knew how to Turn up. Like, we

Dirty Skittles [00:21:19]:
We filled the the downtime is what you're saying.

KK [00:21:22]:
We filled that we did not need Instagram because we were Busy. Yes. You know? Like Girl,

G-Rex [00:21:28]:
I'm a boomer, so believe me. I know. Okay?

KK [00:21:32]:
Yeah. And you know yeah. Like, I mean

Dirty Skittles [00:21:36]:
Yeah.

KK [00:21:37]:
And when you have this habit that everyone else also has, You don't question it. Right? Like, you're like, if you go and you do crazy stuff, but so is everybody else, then it's very normal. So I, you know, I was just like, we just love to party. We have fun. And listen. I did have a lot of fun. Like Mhmm. Drinking Drinking does equal fun.

KK [00:22:03]:
Kind kind of. I will kind of break that down here in a second. But But what but, again, I have a really low tar tolerance, so I can drink, like, a drink I can drink a glass of wine and kinda be drunk sometimes. Wow. And then I am like, I I like to talk, so I would always wake up the next day and be like, what did I say?

Dirty Skittles [00:22:26]:
Yep. That's me on vodka. Mhmm. That's why I don't drink vodka.

KK [00:22:31]:
It's me on anything. Like, I just become such a blabber mouth, and, and it get like, yeah. And it it just It would be, like, this constant shame. Mhmm. And so I started realizing it, and I would go these chunks of time, Especially after I had my 1st son because I was like, this is this is different, and and I'll talk more about this here in a second, but There's no research done on there's there's little research. There's more now done on women and alcohol. So most of everything that we believe Comes from research that was usually done on men, and then even that stuff is really, convoluted. So there's Definite there's not a whole lot of research on women, and there's definitely not a lot of research on women after they give birth.

KK [00:23:19]:
Mhmm. Whenever all these different things happen in your body. Right? Like, there's a Whole of information that we do not have. It's starting to come up, but we don't have it. So I would go these chunks of time, and I stopped like, I didn't drink during the week, and I I kinda started these habits where I was like, alright. Well, it'll just be, like, once a week that I that I drink. And, you know, we kinda had, like, a little bit of a party culture in our last company. Like, everyone like everyone really liked to, like, get together and get close and connect through alcohol.

KK [00:23:51]:
And so it was like, I would go to work events, but and and that would happen there. And the but I wouldn't really wouldn't do it that much home. And but it it got and so I would say, like, it was like all this work I was doing would Almost automatically get erased, like, because I would go out and I would drink, and then I get back into that self shame cycle. Right?

Dirty Skittles [00:24:16]:
It's okay to be not okay. Just make sure you're talking to someone.