Welcome to the Season 7 opener of "Sh!t That Goes On In Our Heads" with your hosts, G-Rex and Dirty Skittles! We're kicking off this season with an inspiring episode featuring the incredible Regent Cornell, CEO & Owner of Cornell Consulting. Regent brings 33 years of talent development, leadership, and organizational growth expertise. Known for empowering leaders, teams, and individuals through strategic conversations, Regent is a force in professional coaching and facilitation.
In this episode, we explore the transformative power of fierce conversations. Regent shares his journey and the impact meaningful, authentic dialogues have on our personal and professional lives. Drawing insights from Susan Scottâs "Fierce Conversations," Regent emphasizes the importance of diving deep, being vulnerable, and the profound change that can come from having the conversations we often avoid.
Regent Cornell's Credentials:- HBDI Level III Master Facilitator (Herrmann International)
- Professional Coaching Certification (ICF-PCC) from the University of Miami
- Certifications in Fierce Conversations, Myers-Briggs, DiSC, Prosci Change Management, and Advanced Consulting
- Contact Info: LinkedIn Profile: https://www.linkedin.com/in/regent-cornell-496b475?trk=contact-info
Book Recommendation: Fierce Conversations: Achieving Success at Work & in Life, One Conversation at a Time By Susan Scott
Regentâs wisdom shines throughout this engaging episode as he discusses how strategic conversations can redefine relationships and organizational culture. From personal anecdotes to professional advice, Regent's stories and insights will inspire you to tackle those tough conversations in your life.
Call to Action:If you or someone you know is struggling with mental health, don't hesitate to reach out to the 988 crisis hotline. You can call, text, or chat with a counselor ready to listen and help. Your mental health matters and there are resources available to support you. Let's continue to break the stigma and normalize seeking help. Remember, it's OK not to be OKâmake sure you're talking to someone.
- 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: https://988lifeline.org/talk-to-someone-now/
- Find A Helpline: https://findahelpline.com/
- Official Website: Learn more at Goes On In Our Heads: https://www.goesoninourheads.net
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- Audio Editing: By NJz Audio for top-notch sound quality.
Remember to subscribe to our podcast for more inspiring stories and valuable insights. If you enjoyed this episode, please rate and review us on your favorite podcast platform. Your feedback helps us bring you more relevant content. If you're listening elsewhere besides Apple Podcasts and want to leave a review, please visit our website: https://goesoninourheads.net/add-your-podcast-reviews. Your feedback is important to us.
Join us as we dive into the art of fierce conversations and discover the healing power of words with Regent Cornell. Let's make this season opener unforgettable!
#FierceConversations #MentalHealth #Leadership #Podcast #Season7Opener #Empowerment #HealingThroughWords #StrategicConversations #TalentDevelopment #PersonalGrowth #OrganizationalGrowth #GoesOnInOurHeads #MentalHealthPodcast #STGOIOH #Grex #DirtySkittles #GrexandDirtySkittles
00:00:00
Music.
00:00:21
Three, two, one. Welcome back to another episode of Shit That Goes On Our Heads.
00:00:27
I'm G-Rex with my partner, Dirty Skittles, and our famous guest,
00:00:33
Regent. Welcome, Regent. Hello.
00:00:36
Hey, hey. How are you all? I'm so glad to be here and with two of my favorite people.
00:00:41
So this is just awesome. Thanks for having me. You're welcome. I'm so excited. Yeah.
00:00:46
I'm having like a little bit of a fangirl moment. I have to tell you.
00:00:49
Well, honey, have it. I need autographs later and photos are $10 a pop. Love it.
00:00:56
Is this the same fangirl you had with Viv and Cecile also?
00:01:01
And you know, I got to make a little money for good shoes too. So send it away.
00:01:06
I heard you need some new hats and new shoes. I need it all.
00:01:11
I need a Botox facelift. These rubber bands and duct tape are about to fall
00:01:15
forward and we're all in trouble.
00:01:21
We just see one snap and it is like, Bam! Off it goes.
00:01:26
Oh my God. This is two-way and everything. Yes.
00:01:29
I am so glad to be able to be here with you today because fear is a subject
00:01:34
really that weighs on my heart.
00:01:37
And it's about having really good, deep conversations with people.
00:01:41
It's about having conversations with our friends and our loved ones and people
00:01:45
that we work with and people that sometimes we don't,
00:01:49
we want to have in our lives and they don't always want to have us in our lives.
00:01:53
And it's about a time to either have those conversations or sometimes even,
00:01:57
I'm going to tell you, let the conversation go.
00:02:00
I mean, you have to find that space in your life to say,
00:02:04
you know, I'm okay with letting the conversation go,
00:02:08
but I want to focus today on those conversations that we want Those conversations
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that are so good and rich and sometimes not always easy to talk about, you know?
00:02:22
Yeah. I'm so happy. Like the shit that goes on in our heads literally is all about conversations,
00:02:29
emotional intelligence, emotional capital that comes into these conversations
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and really the fear that holds us back from having them.
00:02:40
Right. And just the impact it has on your mental health, holding that shit back. Oh my God. I know.
00:02:47
The shit that goes on, yes, the shit that goes on in our head.
00:02:51
So, you know, the stuff that holds us back from conversations,
00:02:54
I always think about like, what's the other person going to say?
00:02:58
How are they going to react? Will I lose a friend?
00:03:00
Am I going to be loved by my family when I have these conversations? All of that.
00:03:05
And what I find in conversations, conversations, some of those hardest ones
00:03:10
are sometimes the easiest ones that we don't have and we should have had.
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I read a book about 14 years ago from Susan Scott. It's called Fierce Conversations.
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And if you download that book or you get a paper copy of that book,
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it is one of the most phenomenal books.
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It's a little older. It's been around for a while. But I will tell you, if you haven't read it.
00:03:34
And if you read it, re-read it again. Mine is tattered and torn and highlighted
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and dog-eared and underlined.
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That's the sign of a good book to me. You know what I'm talking about?
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Just a real good, juicy book.
00:03:47
Yeah. This reminds me of when we first started, G-Rex and I would record with
00:03:53
our friends and our family first.
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And I think just subconsciously we were doing it because we could be vulnerable
00:03:59
with those people and not be scared to just kind of be ourselves and dive into something new.
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But what I discovered in that was, surprisingly, these friends that I've had
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for many years, I never had deep conversations with.
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We never talked about life and things that really matter to them and resonate with them as a person.
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And I just thought, that's so
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interesting because I've known them for years. I love that you say that.
00:04:24
You know, Fierce Conversations talks about, Susan says in her book,
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that there's mineral rights.
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And she said, so many conversations are like surface level. We go in with feedback. We go at surface level.
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We are so scared to move past the deeper resonating issues that will go surface.
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And she's like, if you want to go deep. And Susan, I consider Susan a personal friend of mine.
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I've keynoted for her and I've spoke with her personally.
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She's a fun lady. I got to give her some really big kudos.
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But she said, when you mine deep in conversations, mineral rights is what she calls it.
00:05:00
And you can read about that in the book. But she said, get below the surface.
00:05:04
And I think like digging down deep, it's in those deeper conversations that,
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like what you just said, really matter.
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They're not always easy. They're not always ones that we want to have,
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but they're ones that we know that we need to have.
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She calls them Mookitas, that which everyone knows, but no one speaks about.
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It's the elephant in the room, if you will. It's the big, you know, elephant.
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And when you tell people, don't think about the elephant in the room.
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Well, what are you thinking about right now?
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Right? Elephant. It's that big elephant that's left a turd in your proverbial universe.
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And it's like, are you going to take care of this or not? and
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sometimes we do and sometimes we don't
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my dad used to say that and he's
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no longer here but he would call it we would have conversations of lipstick
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on a pig he said eventually that lipstick
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wears off and you're just stuck with a pig you know and i'm like i'm tired of
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being stuck with all these pigs i don't know what to do with them how many pigs
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can one herd i'm not a shepherd i'm not a farmer i don't want a lot of bacon
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man a lot of bacon it is a lot of bacon and i mean i I love bacon,
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but not like that, you know?
00:06:14
It's the turd bacon. Nobody wants it. It's the turd bacon. Nobody wants it.
00:06:20
Right. And in 2014, I got gifted a book.
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I went to an ATD conference and Fierce Conversations was there and Susan was actually there.
00:06:31
And ATD is Association of Training and Development, if you don't know what that acronym means.
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And a lot of trainers go to it from around the world.
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And sometimes they have really great classes and sometimes they have some really
00:06:43
boring stuff. and I saw fierce conversations on the title and I was like,
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boo, I got to sign up for this. It's a bunch of cats scratching.
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Let's see some blood on the wall. I'm thinking WWF wrestling here is going to go on.
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And I walk into this room and I am flabbergasted at just the presentation and what they say.
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I'm going to, well, I'm not going to give Susan's, you know,
00:07:07
good juice away from what's in the book.
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I want to give her, you know, kudos because she says, while no single conversation
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is guaranteed to change the trajectory of a career, a company, or a relationship,
00:07:22
or a life, any single conversation can.
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And I think that's the most powerful statement when I think about it.
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I'm like, any single conversation can.
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I think of sliding door moments. I'm like, very, think of a movie,
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The Matrix, those sliding door moments, whether you get on the train or you
00:07:41
get off the train and you meet your person that you love in your life and you don't meet them.
00:07:46
Like, what happens if you don't have the conversation? But what happens if you
00:07:50
do have the conversation and it turns out really well?
00:07:54
I mean, those are the phenomenal things.
00:07:56
Yeah. It's kind of like how this podcast started, right? It was a conversation.
00:08:02
It was more about anything else, but it was a conversation.
00:08:06
And every subsequent conversation we've had since the beginning, I learned so much.
00:08:14
And I'm so glad that we asked the questions and we let our guests talk and we
00:08:20
interject like questions that we want to know.
00:08:23
And I'm a richer person because of it.
00:08:26
And I have more self-help books than I've ever had in my entire life. Right?
00:08:31
I'm telling you, this is a great self-help book. It's got some instructional
00:08:34
design in there that asks you some questions.
00:08:37
I picked up that book and I took it home. And I was in, at that time,
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that was like 2014, 2015, the years that escaped me.
00:08:44
I'm a little grayer than I was in my beard and in this hair.
00:08:48
But I took that book home and I left that class changed.
00:08:52
I hadn't read her book yet, but I literally left the class changed because they
00:08:56
gave some tips and tricks and tools.
00:08:57
And I was like, damn, this is common sense, right? You know,
00:09:02
it's common sense to have a good conversation.
00:09:05
But our common sense gets in our way. I think about many times when I might,
00:09:09
you know, I shouldn't have salted my baked potato.
00:09:12
My common sense tells me don't salt it that much or take your fat butt to the gym, Reject.
00:09:17
Your common sense tells you get your butt to the gym.
00:09:20
And common sense also tells us to have those conversations and we ignore them.
00:09:25
You know, I am a PCC coach, which is a professional certified coach with ICF.
00:09:32
And I never come to these things trying to preach at people.
00:09:37
I try to talk with people and be an awakener.
00:09:40
Because just as much as I believe in fears, I also have to live it every day.
00:09:45
Does that make sense? Like, I mean, I have to drink my own champagne,
00:09:49
Dr. Pepper coffee, whatever your drink of choice is.
00:09:52
But it's hard sometimes being a human in the world. It's hard.
00:09:57
I went home and I took that book home and I'm going to get vulnerable with you.
00:10:01
I was in a 14 year relationship, probably four years too long in that relationship.
00:10:08
And though I love this person fanatically before, we hit some bumps and roads in our life.
00:10:16
They couldn't have come at a more poignant time.
00:10:18
Let me get my tongue wrapped around my brain there. And I had,
00:10:24
I went home on that plane and I dog-eared pages,
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I highlighted stuff, I underlined things that could exclamation points between
00:10:32
things, you know, what you do to a really good juicy book.
00:10:37
And I got home and I put that book down on the counter. And about two days later,
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I was looking for my book in my house and I couldn't find that book anywhere.
00:10:45
It was gone, literally gone. The book was gone.
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I found the book later in my bedroom on my nightstand, but it was on my partner's nightstand.
00:10:56
And I opened it up and all the dog ears were gone.
00:10:59
All the highlights were gone. All the exclamation points that I put in there were gone from the book.
00:11:04
And I'm like, God, are you speaking to me? Like, what the hell happened to my book?
00:11:11
And probably an hour later, I get a text message from the person I was in this
00:11:16
relationship with and things weren't going so hot.
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Why did you write all in my book and highlight it and dog ear it and do all
00:11:22
these things to the book?
00:11:23
Crazy thing is, he was working for Starbucks and Fierce is out of Seattle,
00:11:28
Washington. That's where Susan lives.
00:11:30
We were reading the same damn book at the same darn time.
00:11:35
I got his book and he got my book. Is that not crazy?
00:11:39
So when you think that fate or destiny or divine intervention doesn't occur.
00:11:46
Sometimes that shit happens. Yeah. And the shit that goes on in our head,
00:11:50
like I love the title, is the shit that we need to have conversations about.
00:11:55
And I said, I go, I guess I'm reading the same book that you are.
00:12:00
He worked at Starbucks. I was working at a company at that time in human capital
00:12:04
management. We were reading the same damn book.
00:12:07
So crazy. me to was the fierce conversation that we need to have.
00:12:13
We had that conversation and though it was really tough and it was hard and
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we talked about things that were probably never fathomable before in 14 years,
00:12:24
we were both reading that same book.
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We were saying things like, oh, I hate you. Don't look at me.
00:12:29
Even when he looked at me, I
00:12:30
was like, don't look at me. And he looked at me, I was in the same thing.
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And we were being really ugly with one another because of the fear and the the
00:12:37
resentment and the animosity, the things that were going on in our relationship.
00:12:42
But we both decided that we really needed to have this really good, fierce conversation.
00:12:48
I want to remind you, while no single conversation is guaranteed to change the
00:12:52
trajectory of a career, a company, a relationship, or a life,
00:12:56
any single conversation can. And it did.
00:13:01
That's the power. where we found a way to have a really damn good conversation.
00:13:08
Our relationship ended, but we
00:13:11
could have spent two more years in the four years that we shouldn't have.
00:13:14
And we left instead of saying like, I hate you and I don't like you and get
00:13:18
out of my face to, this is right for us and I've loved you and I still love
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you and I will always love you.
00:13:26
And that's what changed the conversation. There were a lot of stuff that happened in between.
00:13:30
Being let me tell you it wasn't glamorous it was not anything really pretty
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but it wasn't like we threw grenades at each other anymore we really listened
00:13:39
to what the book had to say and we started really listening to people Susan
00:13:46
says in her book let silence do the heavy lifting,
00:13:49
she goes it's the most important part of the conversation in between the words and I was like,
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We should have had this conversation years ago.
00:14:00
And even when I think about it now, it chokes me up because that's the power
00:14:05
of really deep and good communication is when you have those.
00:14:10
And though we're several degrees of separation between us and our lives have
00:14:15
moved different trajectories in our life,
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those conversations allowed us to get out of the depths of where we were and
00:14:23
move forward. and was very freeing.
00:14:27
And so I look at that and I said, God, I wonder if I had all these conversations,
00:14:33
if I just applied some fierceness to most of the conversations that I was scared
00:14:37
of having, could it really change?
00:14:40
Could it change the trajectory? And I'm telling you, from 2014 until 2024 today,
00:14:47
it has. It's made a huge difference.
00:14:51
That's awesome. It's emotionally freeing, right? Right. Because it's not just
00:14:55
work conversations. It's personal conversations.
00:14:58
It's people at the speedway. Right. It's those conversations.
00:15:02
And communication is key.
00:15:05
You know, learning how to open up. And when I finally was able to open up about
00:15:11
my own shit that I was going through, and as terrified as I was,
00:15:16
it opened doors for people that they didn't know they could open. Right.
00:15:21
People reached out to me and thanked me profusely because now they didn't feel
00:15:25
so alone in their own journey.
00:15:27
And it's really like where the podcast stem from is I wanted to share my story,
00:15:33
but I wanted to share it with my best friend and laugh about it.
00:15:38
Because, OK, depression is not funny, but we have to laugh at some of the shit.
00:15:43
Right. Because you're not laughing, you're dying.
00:15:46
I think also like besides having that conversation with other people,
00:15:50
like when I'm hearing you talk, I'm also thinking of like the moments in my
00:15:55
life that changed because I had that conversation.
00:15:58
But it started i can remember
00:16:01
like one pivotal moment it started with
00:16:04
me having a conversation with myself and not
00:16:07
shying away from the shit that was
00:16:09
in my head or the things i was afraid to admit to or dive into like i had to
00:16:16
sit there with myself and be like okay i have to acknowledge what's happening
00:16:19
and then figure out how to ask
00:16:22
for help yeah or how to ask to have that conversation with my loved ones.
00:16:27
Oh my God. I love that you say ask for help. There is no weakness in asking for help.
00:16:33
And something that you said too.
00:16:36
All conversations start with ourselves. And sometimes they involve other people.
00:16:42
But we hold back. We believe context in our head. We make up stories.
00:16:47
We believe them to be true. Sometimes the stories are true.
00:16:50
A lot of times the shit isn't true. I mean, I think about times that I was sad
00:16:55
and depressed and I would sit in bed or sit on my sofa and I would make up all
00:17:00
these fictitious stories and then I'd leave them to be true.
00:17:03
And that's how I live my life. life so
00:17:06
you know when i think of like seconds and minutes and
00:17:10
hours days and weeks and
00:17:13
months i'm like am i making good choices
00:17:16
because how we spend that amount of time in our lives is how we're living our
00:17:22
life and i just did not want to live a shitty life i did not want to live i
00:17:27
don't want to live a shitty life i still have to come back to myself every once
00:17:30
in a while don't get it wrong I got to check in with myself every once in a
00:17:33
while. Today, I woke up in a sour mood.
00:17:35
I told you about the story that I, on my plane and all this other stuff,
00:17:39
and I woke up really sour.
00:17:40
And then I had to go back and have a conversation with my partner,
00:17:43
Kyle, and I had to apologize for some of my behavior. It's a choice.
00:17:47
You know, if it is to be, then it's up to me. And I put my finger on my nose.
00:17:51
I know that you might not be able to see this right now in the podcast,
00:17:54
but I'm putting my finger on my nose.
00:17:56
It says, if it is to be, then it's up to me. I make that choice.
00:18:00
I make a really good effort to make that choice. And it's not always easy.
00:18:06
It's not always easy today to try to get out of my funk.
00:18:10
I mean, I was just at that airport and I was chomping nails and just mad.
00:18:16
And I thought, what the, what's wrong with you? And you get down in there and
00:18:20
sometimes you just got to pull your head out of your arse and say,
00:18:26
okay, I'm going to stop this.
00:18:29
And when you got a good partner that's with you, listen to them.
00:18:33
I don't always listen to the person that I love.
00:18:36
People that come to you and have good stuff, give them the space to listen.
00:18:40
I have to be really cognizant of that.
00:18:42
I kind of listen to the people, you know, who my partner in life that I walk
00:18:46
with is not always what I think in my head against me. They're really with me.
00:18:52
And how do we walk in this life together with really good conversations?
00:18:56
It's not easy. It's not easy. Susan says another quote that I'm going to quote from her book.
00:19:01
If you ever listen to this, Susan Scott, don't ever get mad because I am quoting you, my dear.
00:19:07
She said, that which goes unspoken and undealt with normally comes back to haunt
00:19:17
us as fate. And I'm like, what?
00:19:21
I got the goosebumps i got the goosebumps do
00:19:25
i just want fate to have you know i believe
00:19:28
in destiny i believe in karma and i believe in all that but
00:19:31
i also have a control over how i show up and how i appear and what i'm doing
00:19:36
success in love and relationships and at work is an accountability part on me
00:19:44
too we can push it off on somebody and say that the universe backed up and took a proverbial dump on us.
00:19:50
Or we can look at it through different lenses and say, it feels a little dumpy.
00:19:55
It smells a little dumpy.
00:19:58
I'm going to make compost out of this and grow flowers. You know,
00:20:02
it's lemons to lemonade.
00:20:05
But it's still not always easy to the person that's there in that moment.
00:20:10
And I want people to recognize that and understand that. I'm not just saying
00:20:14
that you just, like a light switch, turn on and off, but you can start gradually.
00:20:19
You can start gradually with one conversation.
00:20:22
Good conversations don't normally always just happen all at once. They happen gradually.
00:20:28
And then suddenly you're like, hey, this isn't so bad, but it takes an effort.
00:20:34
Yeah. And also takes like taking a big deep breath before you say what you want to say.
00:20:42
Oh, don't go into it. Don't go into it. Let me tell you, don't go into a conversation
00:20:46
heated and mad. and throwing grenades. Because when you do that,
00:20:52
and you've been amygdala hijacked, your limbic brain has literally taken your rational thinking.
00:20:59
You're talking shit that goes on in your head. You're talking shit that's going
00:21:02
on in your head, and that shit's coming out of your mouth.
00:21:04
And I truly believe that. I say that from me to everyone that's listening to
00:21:09
this with a lot of love. Cool your jets.
00:21:12
Watch out for your triggers. Tell people about your triggers.
00:21:16
When you don't want to be triggered, tell people about your triggers.
00:21:19
Kyle loves to tell me, calm down.
00:21:24
I am calm. I am calm. Stop it.
00:21:29
This is my call page. If you don't know who Linda Blair is, look up Linda Blair.
00:21:33
My head spins around and I'm like, what? Don't tell me to calm down.
00:21:38
And he's all saying that from a loving standpoint.
00:21:42
But words matter. Words matter in conversations too. I always say it's a conversation.
00:21:48
Susan says that in her book. It's C-O-N, con, conversare, to associate with.
00:21:54
Not versate. Don't versate at somebody because if you're having conversations, you're one-sided.
00:22:00
It sounds like you're being firehosed, but if you invite somebody to talk with
00:22:04
you, then the conversation is really better.
00:22:09
And don't say things like calm down and be quiet. Just...
00:22:14
Or shut the fuck up and let me talk. Because those are not...
00:22:21
We're on a hiatus from using that word.
00:22:24
Hey, it's not my hour to do that, okay? I said an hour a day to do that. It's not today.
00:22:32
Oh, man. Sometimes it just feels good to say that word. You know,
00:22:36
I just want people to know if you're going through a hard time.
00:22:40
And you're struggling, find somebody that you love and trust.
00:22:45
A fierce conversation is not cat scratching. It's not ugly.
00:22:48
It's not mean. It's about love and respect and honesty and loyalty.
00:22:52
And the truth, it's about the truth. And sometimes the truth hurts.
00:22:56
So don't be mad when the truth hurts.
00:22:58
If you're having a conversation and the conversation stings a little bit,
00:23:02
you're like, damn, think about the reality.
00:23:06
And if you got to step in front of the mirror and take a good look Look in the
00:23:09
mirror. God knows I have.
00:23:11
I wouldn't want to today. Look at my face.
00:23:14
I'm a little haggard. But sometimes we need to.
00:23:18
Sometimes we need to have a good realization. Is the problem me?
00:23:23
Or is the problem someplace else? And that's accountability.
00:23:28
Yeah. It's like that metaphorical, like your dog earring that moment.
00:23:31
That's usually like if me and my husband are getting into a tiff and he says
00:23:34
something that triggers an emotional response to me instead of,
00:23:38
you know, saying, shut the fuck up.
00:23:40
I will kind of dog ear it. Like I need to come back to that and figure out what that's about.
00:23:45
Because it's oftentimes not an attack or how I'm interpreting it or what he's saying necessarily.
00:23:51
But there's something behind that part of the conversation that I need to revisit,
00:23:56
figure out what's going on. Yeah.
00:23:59
I think about this even from, you know, from not just a personal standpoint,
00:24:03
but, you know, at work, the conversation is the relationship.
00:24:08
Susan says that in her book too. That's not a quote from me. That's from her.
00:24:12
You know, our conversations are a lot of what our culture is and our organizations
00:24:16
that we work in and the people that we work with. And if we're frustrated,
00:24:20
it's not about saying that you did something wrong.
00:24:23
It's about having the understanding around it. We're all diverse in thought.
00:24:27
You got to think about so many things. I think about all the people that I work
00:24:31
with around the world and people that I coach around the world and companies
00:24:34
that I work with around the world.
00:24:37
It's not just how we view and see things that's right.
00:24:40
Right there's so many things that come
00:24:43
into play with being right context and ethics and morals and values and religions
00:24:50
and where you brought up and how you view the world whether you were brought
00:24:53
up you know i'm sure oprah winfrey look at oprah winfrey she was brought up
00:24:57
very poor and she's a billionaire now how she views the world is differently than somebody who.
00:25:04
Kardashian no offense to you kim if you're listening to and i'm sure she is
00:25:09
that her life was a little different than somebody who grew up a different way.
00:25:14
So context in how we're brought up, I think there's diversity of thought that needs to be brought in.
00:25:20
But we should respect it all. You know, one of the things, and I'm going to
00:25:25
get very fierce for a moment.
00:25:28
You fierce? Never. Can I be fierce? Can I be fierce with you?
00:25:31
You know, people say shit like, perception is reality.
00:25:35
I'm just like, oh, stop. Perception is reality. I think that's the biggest bunch
00:25:42
of bullshit that there is.
00:25:44
If your perception is reality and you want to find out if it's reality,
00:25:48
then you'll go and interrogate reality with the person that you're talking to, meaning this.
00:25:55
Don't think that I'm doing something if you don't know. Don't make up a story
00:25:58
in your head and believe it to be true.
00:26:00
And if you really want to know the truth, have a fierce conversation with me.
00:26:04
Ask me, did I see you texting on your phone over there during the meeting?
00:26:09
I saw you texting people and I saw you smiling and laughing.
00:26:13
Well, I actually wasn't texting during the conversation.
00:26:16
I was taking copious note and I was smiling because all of it resonated with
00:26:21
me and I thought it was a powerful conversation.
00:26:25
Do you see where perception and reality get a big disconnect?
00:26:29
And a lot of times we live our lives, our personal lives, our professional lives,
00:26:33
just around perception as reality.
00:26:36
And I'm like, if you really want to know, go freaking ask, go find out. I saw you texting.
00:26:44
Were you texting and being crazy on your phone? No, boo, I was taking copious notes.
00:26:49
Look, I got 16 pages in there in Excel. spreadsheet that I can send to you afterwards.
00:26:55
But I had a leader literally do that to me one time. And I was like,
00:26:59
she goes, my perception is that you're not paying attention during this meeting.
00:27:03
And that's the voice that I hear in my head. You know what I'm saying?
00:27:06
My perception is that you're not paying attention. I was like,
00:27:09
well, your perception's wrong. And here's my notes.
00:27:14
And I think about that in relationships too. Sometimes my perception of Kyle
00:27:19
is not always the right Kyle that I have in my head.
00:27:23
And then when I go and I talk to him, he's like, boo, that's not what I, that's not me.
00:27:28
That's not what I was doing. And I was like, well, my perception that you were
00:27:31
just being an ass. And he was like, boo, that wasn't being an ass.
00:27:34
You know what I mean? You ever have that shit happen? Yes. All the time.
00:27:39
Question, did Daryl ever do that to you? What time is this at?
00:27:43
I need to make sure we, because... 5.59.
00:27:45
Okay. And do you ever do that to her? And, you know... You mean Lisa the lesbian? Yeah.
00:27:51
We do it all the time. We all do that. But I'm like, that needs to stop.
00:27:56
That's where part of the problem, I think, is really beginning,
00:28:01
is that we make up the stories, we believe in to be true, and then we never validate it.
00:28:06
And then sometimes we get passive-aggressive in those conversations too,
00:28:10
right? Yeah, you had said something earlier.
00:28:13
I've never been passive-aggressive ever in my life. I don't know what the hell
00:28:16
you're talking about. Oscar.
00:28:19
For me, if I don't, there's one thing I know about myself.
00:28:22
If I keep that bottled in and just interpret something and then just assume
00:28:27
that's what it was, and I know that will aid in me developing resentment.
00:28:32
And once I have resentment, that's a bad place for me.
00:28:37
So I can't do that. I'm like, I'll ask everybody anything.
00:28:41
I get that. And that's Susan's quote, that which goes unspoken normally comes back to Honda.
00:28:47
That's faith. Faith, I'm here in South Florida. I saw a little gecko come in my apartment earlier.
00:28:54
And I think, where the hell did you go? Because you're probably going to come
00:28:57
back and hunt me as Godzilla at 3 a.m.
00:29:00
I need to find this little part before it comes back.
00:29:04
And I think, do I put it off and ignore it?
00:29:07
Because it normally is going to come back to hunt me. And I think those are
00:29:10
conversations and relationships that we have. We think that it's not a big deal.
00:29:13
We sweep it under the carpet.
00:29:15
We have all these things. these things these beautiful things that have trickled
00:29:19
down from generations to generations it'll come out in the laundry what's the
00:29:24
one that you've heard like it'll all work its way out it'll all come out the
00:29:29
yarn will unravel somewhere at the end and then we'll make a sweater of it.
00:29:34
Yeah it comes out and then you've already made a grave mistake you know either
00:29:39
through doing waste of text on your phone and accidentally things send.
00:29:44
Yes! And quit having conversations through text. Thank you.
00:29:49
Don't have conversations through text and email. It's the worst part. That's awful.
00:29:55
I sent a conversation the other night to a family member and I was like,
00:29:59
it was a long... I did my best to be very fierce and kind.
00:30:05
And I literally got the the K back.
00:30:09
The link K. And that's the worst. When you, those are, that's,
00:30:14
you just did, I just did it to myself.
00:30:16
I sent it, I should have had picked up the phone and had the conversation.
00:30:19
I sent the text, I got a K back and then I thought,
00:30:23
Oh, my gosh. And then I was mad. Well, I didn't have the right conversation
00:30:27
at the right space at the right time.
00:30:29
Shame on me. I was part of that. I become an enabler to that bad conversation.
00:30:35
And then I had to deal with it because for about three days I was pissed off.
00:30:39
What the F is wrong with you? You're the shitter. And then I literally said,
00:30:44
oh, my God, there's such a shitter.
00:30:46
Well, were they the shitter or was I?
00:30:49
I don't know. Because I replied back with take. like really
00:30:53
that's all you have to say is hey i want
00:30:57
to reach through the phone and grab their neck i i
00:31:00
know that's awful to say but that's i'm
00:31:04
being candid in in
00:31:07
my response and those are where conversations get
00:31:10
ended so i have to ask you is that
00:31:13
conversation you had via text and what
00:31:16
you wrote is that something that you would actually say to their
00:31:19
face because a lot of times we write shouldn't text
00:31:22
or an email that you would never say to somebody's face
00:31:25
well because we haven't grown the go the cojones to
00:31:28
say it to their face and i will tell you probably yes
00:31:31
i would have from that text said it to their face i just thought the text was
00:31:35
an easier way to say it and it wasn't i think sometimes i think you're spot
00:31:40
on you know sometimes anonymity from the standpoint of a text or an email gives
00:31:45
us a little bit more power in our thoughts.
00:31:50
But the person who's picking up and reading that message is reading it the way they hear it.
00:31:56
So just like I made fun of my leader that said to me, are you looking at that?
00:32:01
What are you doing over there? You're smiling and you're texting people.
00:32:04
That's what I hear in my head.
00:32:06
She probably did not say it that way. She probably said like,
00:32:11
what are you doing over there? Are you texting? I see you smiling,
00:32:14
but in my head, I hear the Wicked Witch of the West.
00:32:16
So we make that shit up.
00:32:21
And to anyone, we're like, we put any conversation is emotionally charged. I truly believe that.
00:32:27
But when we have those conversations that are in text and email,
00:32:31
we'll add exclamation points and capitalization.
00:32:35
Stop doing that too. Stop putting things in capitalization. But we put caps
00:32:39
into things that don't even have caps on it. And you're like,
00:32:41
exclamation point. And then that's how we respond.
00:32:44
And I'm like, and have you ever had a conversation where somebody said,
00:32:48
I just wanted to say, just wanted to give you my piece, my thought story.
00:32:53
And you're like, damn, well, why was I so, so mean?
00:32:57
I know. Have you ever had that happen? Yes.
00:33:00
And then you have to be humble pie and you're embarrassed. You're like,
00:33:03
well, I thought you was being kind of rude or something.
00:33:08
Like it can't possibly be me. No, that's exactly right. It can't be me.
00:33:13
It's my context is right.
00:33:15
All conversations are with myself.
00:33:18
And sometimes they involve other people. And when you don't involve other people,
00:33:22
Maslow's theory comes to play here.
00:33:26
Self-actualization. We come up with things, we put them into action,
00:33:31
we live them, we believe them, and therefore we are.
00:33:34
That's what I say to people I'm not perfect I don't know anybody who is I won't
00:33:40
be perfect tomorrow but one of the things that I will tell you is that the guidance
00:33:45
of Fierce Conversations has allowed me to course correct.
00:33:50
Highly effective people watch for trends and course correct before arriving
00:33:54
at an undesired suddenly.
00:33:56
And I still have them. I still have undesired suddenlies, but there are fewer
00:34:01
and far between than what they were before.
00:34:04
If you think that reading a book or listening to this podcast is going to change
00:34:08
the trajectory of your life without some type of self-actualization and behavioral
00:34:13
change on your part, you're setting yourself up for failure.
00:34:16
I want you to know that. I want you to hear me say that to you.
00:34:20
It takes dedication.
00:34:22
It takes being intentional and it takes work.
00:34:26
Working hard on yourself is hard. It's never easy.
00:34:31
If it was easy, we would all be just living hard lives, right?
00:34:38
But it's not. It takes a lot of work. There's going to be tough days and there's
00:34:41
going to be bad days and there's going to be really good days.
00:34:44
But I think that you can change the dichotomy of where that pendulum flows if you're awake.
00:34:51
If you stay awake and you're intentional.
00:34:54
And a good life deserves intention.
00:34:58
Your good life on the shit that goes on in your head deserves intention.
00:35:05
Meaning, are you yes everyone's
00:35:08
struggling and everyone deserves a moment to be
00:35:11
down i get it but are you digging yourself
00:35:14
up out of that are you dusting your knees
00:35:17
off i had a woman tell me one time my mentor she said
00:35:21
to me in life i go i am so far down in this cesspool of life i am just choking
00:35:27
on literally garbage and she said then pull yourself up out of that garbage
00:35:35
and she goes And if you're looking for somebody to extend you in a hand,
00:35:38
I'm here, but don't wait for it. Dig yourself out of that dumpster.
00:35:43
And I was like, where were you 14 years ago when I needed you?
00:35:52
Sometimes people just need to hear yourself. It's going to be okay.
00:35:59
And do you think that those fierce conversations, that's an awesome example
00:36:05
of self-care and self-love? That is taking care of yourself. Yeah.
00:36:09
Because if you don't take care of yourself, listen, I sat on a plane today and
00:36:12
I listened to the Southwest Airline flight attendant. Cute as a button, he was.
00:36:19
And he said, if you're with a child, you put your oxygen mask on first before
00:36:25
assisting other people. Wow.
00:36:27
To be fierce, you have to put your oxygen mask off on first.
00:36:32
And if you want to be fierce and help other people, it has to be on their terms.
00:36:36
You can't coach somebody who doesn't want to be coached. You can't love somebody
00:36:42
who doesn't want to be loved.
00:36:43
You can't inspire somebody who doesn't want to be inspired.
00:36:49
Pick and choose your battle. Stop wasting time on people who don't want to have
00:36:55
the goodness that you're going for. And sometimes that means severing relationships for now.
00:37:00
Doesn't mean that they can't be cultivated and grown back. But I've had to say
00:37:04
to people before in my life, even through fierce conversations,
00:37:08
come back to me when you're ready.
00:37:10
I'm here. I'm here. I'm ready.
00:37:13
But I can't do this anymore. And that's how fierce these can be.
00:37:18
You know, you got to self, there's self-preservation. And I believe in that.
00:37:22
But don't let it be a one-sided self-preservation where you just cocoon yourself
00:37:27
or you armor up for battle against people.
00:37:31
Armor up for your goodness to people.
00:37:35
There's a difference. I'm going into battle in this conversation.
00:37:40
I'm ready to be fierce. Well, you're doing it the wrong way, boo.
00:37:44
Armor up to be kind and gentle and good and caring.
00:37:48
That's the good armor that you want to have. Anybody can be nasty and gross
00:37:52
and mean. We can all do that. That's easy.
00:37:55
But when we dig down below the surface of what's infecting us in the relationship
00:38:01
and we course correct, and that's where the power of potential lies.
00:38:06
But I do believe that sometimes relationships sometimes need to be severed. They need to be ended.
00:38:12
It doesn't always mean that it's bad. It just means I've chosen to go my way
00:38:16
and I wish you well and I love you.
00:38:19
But maybe I like you. My mom said that to me one time. She told me,
00:38:22
she said to me, she goes, Regent, I love you so much.
00:38:25
And this was that cantankerous time in our lives. And remember her saying,
00:38:28
I love you so much. I will always be here for you.
00:38:32
But today I do not like you. And it's okay not to be liked in that moment.
00:38:37
But if you want a relationship to be lasting, you want a work relationship to
00:38:41
be lasting, then put in the effort to make it last.
00:38:46
If it is to be, then it's up to me. it really is
00:38:49
yeah and you have to have those
00:38:52
conversations otherwise what are
00:38:56
we doing there's something you said where it's like is this how i want to live
00:39:01
my life are these is this how i want to spend my time and my energy and if the
00:39:05
relationship is worth it then you have that conversation yeah i'll put the work
00:39:09
in out of seattle there they have pike's place fish market Okay.
00:39:13
So here's a little plug for Susan in Seattle. I'm really plugging Seattle today.
00:39:19
Ice Place Fish Market. You ever been? Yes.
00:39:23
They play, they have fun. But there is a philosophy. It says,
00:39:27
choose your attitude, make their day, play and have fun.
00:39:30
And these people who schlep ice around and stinky fish, this man,
00:39:34
there was a guy on a video and he was like, yeah, I got up and he smelled like
00:39:38
he smoked like 12 packs of cigarettes. I get up and I work at 4 a.m.
00:39:42
And I schlep ice all around.
00:39:43
I deal with stinky fish, but every day I choose my attitude.
00:39:46
And I'm like, that's what I want to be around.
00:39:50
That's where I want to embrace my life. My dad used to say to me,
00:39:55
and God rest his soul, he's been gone for five years, but I hear his voice emphatically in my head.
00:40:01
He said that if you lay with dogs, you're going to get fleas. Pick your pack.
00:40:07
I love that. And that, what I try to do every day, you know,
00:40:12
I love just about everyone.
00:40:14
There's some people that I, unfortunately, that love relationship isn't there.
00:40:20
But the majority of the people I try to love and give kindness and grace.
00:40:25
Gretchen, I always think of Greg Toronto. And Greg Toronto, if you ever listen
00:40:29
to this podcast, I'm giving a shout out to you.
00:40:33
And he said this, and I listened to him as a mentor to him, he said,
00:40:37
Regent, just err on the side of grace and that will help you with your conversation.
00:40:46
You know? Yeah. Yeah, I know. That's like my favorite word. You got to give
00:40:51
not only other people grace, but yourself grace.
00:40:55
I love it. Yeah. Wow. What an awesome conversation in just such a short time period.
00:41:02
You all are mad. I know. Unicorns.
00:41:07
They don't call you Skittles for nothing, girl.
00:41:12
I know, right? Yeah, I can't believe we're here.
00:41:15
I mean, thank you, Regent. This has been... I mean, I will fangirl after this.
00:41:19
I'm going to go upstairs to tell my husband.
00:41:21
I just talked to Dr. Regent. Are you going to ask me any of your crazy questions?
00:41:27
I do. Oh, God, ask away. If I don't get the answer, I will make up something.
00:41:33
No, these are like the brain-tingly ones.
00:41:36
So, Regent today, Regent now. If you could go back in time to a younger version
00:41:42
of yourself and give yourself a fierce conversation, what would you say?
00:41:47
And at what age would you travel back to?
00:41:50
It's so funny. I had something come up on my Facebook the other day. It was me in Honduras.
00:41:56
And I did a little stint with a wellness program in Honduras where we inoculated kids.
00:42:02
And I see this little boy who is 19 years, 18 years old, and he's feeding a monkey.
00:42:08
And I said, I would whisper in his ear, be fierce, go into it brave,
00:42:14
and never have any remorse and regret.
00:42:17
I had not come out at that time. I'm probably gay. I am who I am.
00:42:21
I was suffering at that time, but I would tell that young man in that picture
00:42:26
as I looked at it and whisper in his ear, be your true authentic self,
00:42:33
and carpe diem, seize the day. I think I seized the day.
00:42:38
I think sometimes I was scared of seizing the day, but damn,
00:42:41
I probably would have seized it even more.
00:42:43
I just would have taken life by the cojones and just did.
00:42:47
And I think I did a darn good job back then too with what I had and where I had it.
00:42:52
But man, would I wrap my arms around him and just give him love.
00:42:56
Things were different back then coming out. This is back in 1990.
00:43:02
Age was at its highest. Wait, you're gay? I had no idea. You're gay?
00:43:07
I had no idea. Oh, girl, please.
00:43:10
I opened up my mouth and a purse falls out. What the hell?
00:43:17
But I would tell that young man just stand
00:43:21
by proud and strong and I
00:43:24
think I have but I would have whispered that in his ear and gave him even more
00:43:29
inspiration to be as good as he could be and I think I've done a pretty darn
00:43:35
good job in my life but I I would have really wrapped my arms around him and loved him hard. Yeah.
00:43:44
What lesson are you looking forward to learning in the future?
00:43:50
God, what retirement feels like. Fuck. Yeah. Do you have plans?
00:43:54
Oh, I do. I have big plans. You know, I don't think I'll ever like retire, retire.
00:44:00
I just think that we all need to be challenged and stimulated.
00:44:03
I have so much that I have on. I have a book that needs to be written.
00:44:07
I have, I am a PCC. I'm a coach. I'm a life coach.
00:44:11
You can find me on LinkedIn. You want to talk to me? I'm a PCC.
00:44:15
I want to coach people in their life journey. I want to coach people in their
00:44:19
professionalism. Right now with my full-time job, it doesn't always allow me to do that.
00:44:23
But I want to be that when I grow up. And I just want to do that at a pace that's sustainable to me.
00:44:32
I feel like sometimes I have my foot on the gas pedal going about 100 miles an hour.
00:44:37
And I'm ready to take that down to at least 95.
00:44:41
Just a little. Five miles makes a difference. You ask any speed.
00:44:44
It sure does. Ask a police officer.
00:44:47
Five miles makes a difference. It sure does.
00:44:50
Durex, do you want to ask your infamous? What do you do for self-care?
00:44:54
So my question for you, Regent, is what do you do for self-care and self-love on a daily basis?
00:45:00
You know, I believe in writing things down of gratitude. I have a notebook. Okay.
00:45:08
And I've got one here. And you're not seeing it on film, but I have one here.
00:45:15
And I write down things of gratitude every day that I'm happy for.
00:45:21
Sometimes I miss a day. Sometimes, most of the time I don't,
00:45:23
but I write things down that I'm really happy and grateful for.
00:45:27
I work out. There is cortisol in our body. Get it out of your system, work out.
00:45:32
Even if you go for a 30 minute walk or a 15 minute walk, get off your arse and
00:45:36
get the shit out of your head.
00:45:38
Go for a walk, eat healthy, drink water, and just be kind.
00:45:43
I try to find myself being kind to someone.
00:45:47
Even today, the woman at the airport, the flight person, rearranged my flight. She did it.
00:45:53
And then I walked back up to the counter and I said, afterwards,
00:45:56
I was getting on my flight and I said, thank you so much for just treating me
00:46:00
kind and getting me back on this flight because I had screwed up my flights.
00:46:04
And she goes, no problem. She goes, hardly anybody comes back up and says thank you like that again.
00:46:08
And I thought, well, okay, I'm a little different. I'm a different bird.
00:46:13
Be the different bird. Be that person.
00:46:17
Stop doing random acts of kindness and paying for coffee for people behind you.
00:46:21
Take coffee to a homeless person.
00:46:22
Do something, random act of kindness for somebody who really needs it instead of behind you.
00:46:26
There's nothing wrong with buying somebody coffee behind you.
00:46:29
I mean, I get that. I want to sound like a curmudgeon, but do a random act of
00:46:33
kindness outside of the scope of somebody who might need it as opposed to somebody
00:46:37
who really desperately needs it. Yeah. I love that.
00:46:42
I love you, Regent. We love you. Oh my God, I love you too. We needed this.
00:46:49
I know. Hi all, thank you so much for listening to this episode. I'm G-Rex.
00:46:55
And I'm Dirty Skittles. Don't forget to subscribe, rate, and review this podcast.
00:47:00
We'd love to listen to your feedback.
00:47:02
We can't do this without you guys.
00:47:07
It's okay to be not okay.
00:47:09
Music.