Grandpa's Lap and Safe Spaces: Pez Reflects on Healing

[00:00:06] Hey there, listeners. Welcome to Shit That Goes Under Our Heads, the podcast where we normalize conversations around mental health. That's right. I'm Dirty Skittles and alongside my amazing co-host, G-Rex, we are here to share stories and tips from our incredible guests. Each episode, we deep dive into struggles and triumphs of mental health, offering practical advice and heartfelt support. Because no one should feel alone in their journey. Join us as we break the stigma and build a community of understanding and compassion.

[00:00:35] Tune in and let's start talking about the shit that goes on in our heads. Two, one. Welcome back to another episode of Shit That Goes On In Our Heads. I'm joined today with my lovely co-host, G-Rex. Ooh, we almost harmonized. Should we try again? Yeah. Ready? G-Rex.

[00:01:05] Okay, fuck it. Yeah, I know you guys have to do it. Yeah. It has to be natural. It did, it did. And if you don't recognize her voice from a past episode, we are also joined by Pez. Welcome back! Woohoo! I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I hope you wore your pee pad because I'm here for chicanery and shenanigans.

[00:01:31] It's sitting on my chair. We're good. I grabbed a pad as I was telling the cat to shut up on the way in here. Oh my god, every time you walk out the door, it's shaw-ga-vaw-ga! Is it like a symphony of cat meows? Uh, no. It's just an annoying old cat and all she does is... Weeow! Weeow! Weeow! Or she got like 800 fucking bowls of food and... Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. What's the cat's name?

[00:02:02] Precious. Precious? Yeah, she's like 100,000 years old. She doesn't have any front claws and she doesn't have any teeth. But that girl can eat a, like, plate of dry food like it's nobody's business. So... Well... Whatever. Bless Precious's heart. Bless her heart, alright. So, I... Sorry!

[00:02:28] Well, you know what I was thinking of as I said that and I paused a little bit if you couldn't tell, was... I wonder if they make cat dentures. Like little tiny kitten dentures. Yeah! That could be... There could be money in that. Who knows? We're gonna put G on it. I don't know. Are you gonna... Are you gonna be the one putting it in her mouth? No. Oh, is it... I don't know. I mean, will you pay me? Just kidding. Here we are back at the feet. Yes. It didn't take much to get us back to.

[00:02:58] I won't pay for the feet pics, nor will I pay you to put dentures in the cat. Okay? Just saying. Aww. We can call it, like, kitty nipples. Well, just... Alright, we've gone on too long. Today's episode really is to talk about what has happened since we last chatted with you, Pez. A lot can change in a year. So yeah, a lot does... Has it... It's only been a year. Okay. It's been more than a year. It was March of 2023.

[00:03:29] Okay, so a year and a half. I'm still teaching. Still tiny human teaching. So there's that. I haven't been back in a kitchen professionally. So I know we talked about a lot of like kitchen capers or whatever last time. No. We, as a family, like, worked through... My grandfather passed. And, like, that was kind of a big deal.

[00:03:54] And now we're sort of just trying to figure out how we all fit together now without him being there. Right? So that's been fun. Was he like the... Cornerstone? Patriarch. He was the patriarch. Now we're like... So... My grandpa was, like, quiet. And...

[00:04:25] Mostly... The only... Okay, so he would be quiet. And then... No matter what was going on, when he started talking, people kind of just shut up. Right? Because when he was going to say something, it was pertinent. Right? And important. And one of... So... As a tiny human teacher, I wear a smock. Yes? And in the smock, there's two pockets. They're giant pockets.

[00:04:53] And sometimes you're just in the middle of doing something. You just slide something in the pocket. I keep my right pocket as for my clean stuff. Right? So, clean glove, tissue, whatever it is. Like, the clean goes in the right. And then anything that's like a mouth toy or something that I found somewhere that I, you know, shouldn't be down on the floor, but I can't get to a trash can. It goes in the... Right? Goes in the left pocket. Sure. Right?

[00:05:19] So, sometimes you get home and you go to take your smock off. And you're like, wow, I have a magnet tile. A tissue in an inside out glove. Because boogs are real, right? Boogers are real. And so one day, like, I came home and I just had a chapstick or a glue stick in my pocket. Because we had been gluing that day.

[00:05:46] And so I put it in my bag to go home. Or to take back to work. And so, it just kind of stayed there. I don't even know how long. It could have been months. Could have been weeks. But there's things that you put... There's things that you put to... How do you say that? There's things that you see that you put...

[00:06:17] Attributes to. I don't think that's really even the right word. It is. So, but this glue stick, right? My grandpa had... Somebody gave it to him. And it was probably one of my aunts. Because they're cheeky monkeys like I am. And it said, some people should use a glue stick instead of chapstick. Right? And this was like the dark humor, right? No, I'm not too dark.

[00:06:45] But like, cheeky monkey is the most generous way that I can say it, right? Because I don't want anybody to think I want to be disrespectful to my grandfather. Because he was great. But... So, I had this fucking chapstick in my bag for I don't even know how long. And then, like, he passed. And we did the celebration of life. And things started chilling out. Because, you know, I had that big rush of like, oh, we're going to be together.

[00:07:15] You know, we're going to be together all the time. And we're close family. And like... But then eventually, you're just, oh God. Right? You just need space. Yeah. Yeah. And then, so... We kind of got to that lull. And then I was going through my bag one day. And this fucking chaps or glue stick. And I'm like, mom's like, what the hell are you doing? And then I'm like sobbing in the kitchen, like trying to take my bag.

[00:07:46] She was like, like... What are you doing, Candy? Candy. I said, it's a glue stick. And she goes, what are you talking... Okay, it's a glue stick. I was like, yeah. But it reminds me of grandpa. Oh, God, Candy. Okay. So like, I have never... I've never really lost anybody that was like super close to me, right?

[00:08:17] I have... I've had other grandparents that have passed, but I just didn't feel as connected or spent as much time with them as I did with my grandpa and my grandma. And I... Yeah, I don't know where I was going with that. Sorry, you're okay. Girl! You're okay. I was like, oh shit, she's getting choked up. Oh girl, no, there's time. There's time. I got a whole box of Kleenex.

[00:08:46] I'm ready for it. What was I saying? Well, can I ask a question? Please stop me at any point because I'm literally just babbling and then shit just comes out of my mouth. And then we're like, I listen to it later on. And you guys do a really good job of like making me sound like smart and like I had something to say. But sometimes I'm just like, oh God. What the fuck? No, your episode was like one of my favorites. Because I think... You know what I like?

[00:09:13] What I loved about it actually is that I think it very much started off just like fuckery, right? Like we were just chatting about random stuff. But somehow it all tied together in like this whole self-discovery thing. And I thought it was very beautiful because it was natural. So I don't like to script shit. So don't feel like you have to sound a certain way. But I'm curious if you don't mind me asking.

[00:09:37] What about your grandfather do you think you were tied so closely to compared to other people who had asked? They are my mom's parents. And I just have like the most memories, good memories with them and my mom's side of the family. I love my dad's side of the family. They're like crazy.

[00:10:05] But my dad did a lot of like... You know how they talk about things running cycles, right? And you have to break the cycle. My dad broke a lot of cycles from his childhood to my childhood, right? Like a lot of like physical, emotional, sexual, all of the things, right?

[00:10:26] And so I feel like because he was doing so much changing in that generation, I feel like he kind of separated us from his family some. I don't blame him. I don't think that's right. But then I had another pair of grandparents. So the man I call my dad adopted me when I was little.

[00:10:53] He married my mom and adopted me and my little sister and gave us his name and he's dad, right? But I also have a biological father. I won't... I'm sure everybody who has a biological father knows the name that they usually call him. I'm not gonna, you know, it's not great. So, but his grandparents or his parents, but they had like a real malfunctioning relationship anyways.

[00:11:17] So like they always wanted to be part of my sister and I's life. But it just wasn't the same kind of relationship that I had with my mom's parents. Like, I remember one of my first memories of all time was just, I'm a little girl. Shit.

[00:11:46] We're not even 10 minutes in you guys. Sorry. Sorry. Oh, thanks. But like, I remember just like being sick or being upset and just all around not feeling good. Right? And crawling into grandpa's lap and him just rocking. And anybody who knows my grandpa knows, right?

[00:12:15] Like he had a way with babies. All the tiny children. Because he was... I don't know if he was always as peaceful as he looked on the outside, inside. Hopefully that made sense, but... It does. So like one of my first memories of...

[00:12:35] My earliest memories of my whole life is of being on his shoulder and just feeling so... safe. Right? And there's so few times, now that I say it like that, because I try not to... Well...

[00:12:59] So there's so few times in your life, when you look back, that you can find that... Comfort. That total safety. Like safety. Yeah. So yeah, you can get comfort. Like I can get comfort from eating good snacks. Right? Yeah. I can get comfort from a pair of really great sweatpants.

[00:13:24] I can get comfort from walking in the door and taking my bra off and going, oh, fuck yes. Right? But to feel safe. Yeah. And like, no matter what happens, in this moment I'm okay. Right? And that's kind of like a... I'm actually having a little... I hate that you guys do this to me, but I'm actually having another little like moment

[00:13:54] where I'm like, when can I feel? Like how can I make myself... Like how can I do that for myself? And then we're going to get way off on topic. But... So yeah. So that's like earliest memories. earliest positive memories, like early core memories. It just... It was always them. Right? Yeah. Even when we moved away, my dad was active duty. He's retired now.

[00:14:22] And we lived all over. We lived in Colorado and Germany, like everywhere. I guess not everywhere, but far away from here, from where they are. And we just always came back to this space. Right? So it was always home and they were... They are... Because grandma's still here. So she is always, right? Home.

[00:14:51] And that love is always home for me. So... Yeah. You love that. I love that story for me. But I love that. I mean, because... So like, both sides of my grandparents are gone. And so my dad's parents, we weren't very close with, but my mom's were... I was very close with, right? Yeah. And so I know how you feel about your grandpa.

[00:15:19] So out of 13 grandkids, I was the only grandkid that liked to fish. So my earliest memories are with my grandpa and my dad and my uncle all going out and fishing. And being out in nature. That is so... And that's where my love of nature came from, was them. But it was always a safe space for me. And so... Yeah. I can relate. Yeah, like... Do you have like a...

[00:15:44] Do you have like a moment, an early memory, where you felt like that sort of like safety? Yeah, all the time, because we were out in the woods. I mean, like, way out in the woods, okay? I was tiny. You know, we had... I had these giant, giant humans. I'm still tiny, G. I like it she said. I was. I was tiny. Okay. I was tiny. So like, I had these tall... I love you so much.

[00:16:10] I had these tall humans that were like, I don't know, three miles ahead of me every time. Yeah. Yeah. But they always made me feel safe, right? I always knew I felt safe around them. And that nothing would happen to me because, you know, if you've ever like fished out in Colorado, the willows are really tall, right? So like whipping me in the face, whipping me into a beaver dam. Right. Whipping me into the water. But my grandpa was always there to save me, right? He was always there.

[00:16:39] He was the one who always plucked me out of the water or helped me get over like a stream that was super simple for them to get over me. I'm like, I don't think I can do it. It was probably like a foot. And I'm like, no, I'm gonna fall. But those are my early memories of him. And yeah, feeling safe and feeling loved. And if I think about it hard enough, I can still smell his smell. Right. Yeah.

[00:17:06] I can still see the the recliner that he would sit in. I can still smell the coal burning stoves. Yeah. And those are the things that make my heart happy. Right. So when the last couple of weeks have been really very triggering and very tough for me. And so I thought back to those memories and something that Dirty Skittles had taught me is when you're having a bad day, go back to pictures that bring you joy.

[00:17:34] So yeah, I love it when you guys talk about how you do that. I have a really old picture of my grandpa and I picked up that picture and I just I don't know, I felt a sense of ease. But it put a smile on my face. So I mean, those are the kinds of things that I remember, you know, my crap has been gone for a really long time. But I still like, like I said, I can still smell it. I love that though, that you can still get back to that place. Yeah. What about you Skittles?

[00:18:14] No, ma'am. I was afraid you were gonna ask me this. It's okay to say pass, right? Like, I know a little a little taste, but sadly, no. So I would say, if I really think about it, I can relate to you that my mom's side of the family was the safe side of the family. But I don't think I realized it until I was like, maybe 41.

[00:18:43] You are not that old. Yeah, I'm 43. I will proudly say. You are not. Yeah, dude. You are not. Stop it. Wait. When's your birthday though? August 4th. Wait, so you were like what? 81? Yep. 81. Holy crap. I graduated from high school in 82. I was March of 80. So that's why I didn't think that you were like, and not to say that you're old because

[00:19:12] I'm older, but I didn't even know you were that like grown. I am. I'm like thinking you're like 29, 30 years old. No. Yeah, I don't think I, no, you're fine. I don't think I realized how I felt safe with them until I was in my 40s. And it was, I literally remember it vividly. This is when I was still in therapy the first time. And there was a, it's so funny to talk about this because for some reason and nobody in

[00:19:41] my mom's side of the family can really identify what it was. But for some reason we were all together on my mom's side. And it's hard because some are in Puerto Rico, some are in like up north in like New England area, some are like out west. Like for some reason we were all at my mom's house and it was like a reunion of sorts. And I remember sitting there and like watching everybody interact with each other. It was just such a wholesome, funny time.

[00:20:11] And I realized, oh, all like when I was little, I would see them very sporadically throughout my life because we were all just separated. And I don't think I could identify that the way they were interacting with me was genuine at a younger age. I always just was like, what do you want from me? Kind of a thing. Yeah. Yeah. So, but in my forties, I remember us being there, having such a good time taking pictures

[00:20:37] and video and talking to my therapist about like, that was the first time I realized that I feel safe with them. So I had gone like really long time sadly. Yeah. That's why I'm sitting here. Like when I was saying that about that memory with my grandpa and why does that like hit so hard is because in that moment, like I was just pulling out that I felt safe. Yeah. Isn't that crazy? Yeah. Like forties is like where it's at. Can I just tell you right now? Shit.

[00:21:07] I gotta tell you. I hope you're right. Because I think I'm in that moment of like, I'm making decisions now that I'll benefit from in the future. But in the now it's difficult. You're laying groundwork and groundwork is like the hardest part, right? You know what you want. You know where you want to go. You set a goal. Now you have to put your feet to the flame. Right. And that hurts. It hurts.

[00:21:36] But eventually it heals. Yeah. Right. It heals. And fucking a rock out with your cock out. I'm just saying. I'm just saying. Rule one, rock out with your cock out. Yeah. Rock out with your cock out. Why not? I don't like. Rule number one is some people need a glue stick instead of chapstick. Yes. Yes. For sure. Yeah. Like, can we just start handing them out? Mm-hmm. Yeah.

[00:22:06] Right. And so sometimes like when I see, so I stole from work. This is going on record and everybody's gonna know I stole from work. But I replaced it with another glue stick. I went to the store and I bought a glue stick and I put the, right? So, but that glue stick, right? Stays in my bag. And so every time I see it, I just have that cute little, oh, this is a great memory. Right? Yeah. Remember the good things. Yeah.

[00:22:34] Remember the really nice things. Right? Especially when you're having a shitty day. I hear you. And then you're just like, mm, fucking glue stick. That's what does it. So yeah. Can I make you a label before you leave? You know, sometimes people need a glue stick instead of chapstick and we just put that on the glue stick. We should make t-shirts.

[00:23:00] And I think people already do that with that saying, but it was on, you know, how those like live, laugh, love, like, four blocks, wood blocks or whatever. It was like one of those, but it was, yeah. So, and it sat on top of the computer table for, I don't know, 10 years. I love that though. I love that. It could be a little key chain, a little dingly. Yeah. Are your lips chapped? Here you go. So I need you to just shut the fuck up. We'll see.

[00:23:29] And also, yes, you shut the fuck up, but also like, I have a real problem that I've sort of self-diagnosed and it's just verbal diarrhea. I don't think so. I don't think so. And sometimes I get really frustrated and really angry and I just say some really dumb shit.

[00:23:58] So not is it, not only is it like a reminder of grandpa and of good memories and like that love that I get from grandma and grandpa, but it's also like, yo, bitch, should you be talking right now? Cause sometimes I shouldn't be talking. You know what? We all have that switch in our head.

[00:24:25] I mean, like me, the one time I stood up at work and did a bunch of fuckers. That was not nice. That was not nice. You needed chapstick in that moment. I needed the chapstick in that moment. Yeah. But you also needed like a hug. A hug. Yeah. A hug. Yeah. Probably a pet. A drink. I wish I was there for that time. You needed to hydrate. She sure did. She sure did. Like far away from the office too.

[00:24:55] Super far. But I mean, like those are like all like super important things to remember. Right? Like, I think sometimes we need to go back to the things that brought us safety and brought us comfort, especially when we're going through really hard times. And for me, that was thinking about my grandpa and my grandma and that time when life wasn't so fucking hard. Right? Sometimes like...

[00:25:22] It was hard, but like you had a different kind of support system because we tend to like just throw kids in to the deep end without giving them appropriate tools or even any tools because maybe as the parent, I didn't have the right tools. I wasn't given tools and I didn't know the tools until I was older. Right? And then it's hard to go back. And I now have a 21 year old that I go back and I go, wow, I could have done things so differently.

[00:25:54] But how do you... I don't know. I don't know why. I just like, how do you get the tools? I... So you had said core memories earlier and I'm passionate about... And I just interrupted the crap out of G too. I'm so sorry. Should we go back to G? Do you remember what yours is? No. You know what? I'm 61. I can't remember shit. So we're good. And it's gone. No? Yeah. But you said core memories and that move, there's the movie Inside Out. Have you seen Inside Out 2? Yeah.

[00:26:23] No, I haven't seen the second one because the first one made me cry so hard and I was so emotional for like so long. It was like reading a book of my favorite characters and then they all died and I was like, I can't. So I'm going to, this is like kind of, I think G-Rex will get a laugh out of this, but Inside Out 2, I went to see it with my son. His favorite thing right now is to go to the movie theater because he likes to sit in the theater, get the snacks, the whole thing, right? Yeah. So we go see Inside Out 2 in the movie theater and my parents, this is the second time seeing

[00:26:53] in the theaters. My parents took them the first time and gave me no warning. I go with them the second time, we're in the theater and there is a scene. And every time anybody I talk to says they're going to see it, I warn them. Because I don't want anybody to be caught up like I was. I am not highly emotional, but if something triggers me, I cannot get it back together. You know, like I will break its blood, right? Yeah, it's done. Right. So there's a scene in there with one of the emotions is called anxiety.

[00:27:21] And this movie fucking nails it on the head of what it's like to battle anxiety. Oh, fuck. And the reason why I talk about this movie so much is because me and my husband have had in-depth conversations about this is that I wonder if when my son is older, if this movie will help him identify those feelings.

[00:27:44] If he would like is this because I think children should be taught this shit like this movie is so pivotal, pivotal to me as an adult. Yeah, I'm hoping that when he starts to feel those feelings that he's able to recognize and put a name to it. This is anxiety. And in the movie, this is what she did because it even shows you how she the main character without without like a teacher teaching you. This is how you can help yourself if you're having an anxiety attack.

[00:28:14] The character is going through everything to come back to herself through an anxiety attack coming back to your body. Yes. Yeah. And I'm like, find your body. Like anytime he wants to watch it, I'm like, absolutely. Let's put it on. But in the theater, when the scene happened, I bawled. Oh, no, because it was like, oh, no, get. Oh, fuck. I was like, I choked on popcorn. It was like drenched with tears.

[00:28:43] And also because as an adult, I didn't know how to explain it. Like I battle anxiety all the time. And it's one thing to say, I'm a very anxious person. But then it's another thing to see it depicted perfectly. As the emotion. And I remember like choking up and like crying in the theater. And of course, he's like, mommy, are you OK? And I had made a promise that if I had an emotion, I would identify it correctly instead of. Yeah. Instead of saying, no, I'm fine or whatever. And so I'm like, yes, so important movie.

[00:29:12] And so my husband went to see it with him in the theater again. And me and my me and Bizzle are best friends. Sometimes we fuck with each other and we probably shouldn't. But I said, you know, I'm just going to prepare you. There is a scene in the movie. And when you see it, you're going to know. So he came back and I'm like, hey, how did it go? And he's like, I'd seen it. He's just like crying in the kitchen. I'm like, it fucks you up, doesn't it, dude? Oh, no. Oh, no. But it's so good. It's so important.

[00:29:41] I don't want to watch this movie now. No, it is like, it is very heartwarming at the end. Like, I don't think you'll feel like your friend, your best characters have died. Like, I think it's so healing that I'm like, I fucking love that movie. They did a good job. Maybe I need to see that movie. Because like I said. You'll have to have a movie night, G. Yeah. You're going to do one and two. It's on Disney Plus. One and two. Okay. We can do that. Because like, like I said, the last couple of weeks have been super triggering for me.

[00:30:10] And I had to go to the dentist last week. I had to have a filling done. Right? Haven't had a filling done in like probably 20 years. Anyways, my allergies had been bothering me that day. And so my nose was already stuffed up. Right? Mm-hmm. They gave me the Novocaine shot and makes my nose get off more stuff done. Mm-hmm. So as he's in there doing his work, he had his palm resting on my nose. And I couldn't breathe. And I started having a panic attack.

[00:30:40] Oh God. And he noticed it right away. Like he could see it in my eyes. And they backed away. They gave me a few minutes to recollect myself. Mm-hmm. I've never had a panic attack like that before. Mm-hmm. And I don't like going to the dentist already. So I was super anxious. And when I left, I told them that they were the best dentist I've ever been to in like 61 years because the dentist scares me. Just to notice an emotion. Just to notice an emotion.

[00:31:09] And like it took me about 10 minutes to get back to normal so they could finish doing what they're doing. But those are things that I wasn't taught as a child. Yeah. What is a panic attack? What's anxiety? Like, I think when you do- Like what does it feel like? And what does it look like? Yeah. What do you do when you have those feelings? Yes. Right? Like, so I feel like we try to teach our kids.

[00:31:35] And it makes me so happy when you talk about Nugget because I feel like you're doing that for him and with him getting to do, especially when you were like, hmm, I'm going to name my emotion. Yes, queen. Yes. Name that fucking emotion because it teaches him to name his emotions. Right? Right. You have to lead by example. And it's not leading, but you educate by example, right? Right. Especially at that age and younger, right? Right. Because they don't know.

[00:32:05] So like when I'm- I'm going to fucking school. Sorry. So like what I do with my toddlers now in school is, well, I see your eyebrows, right? And your face, it's like that. Right? And I really like cram it up, right? Right. And then I- You're mad. Yeah. Whoa. And then, right? And then, I don't know, we've had some really great training.

[00:32:33] And I really enjoy it. Being in the role that I am in. But I, when I first started taking these trainings, they're like, you have to, you know, notice and you have to label and you have to, right? Like you have, like as the adult, I have to be the one to do that because they don't know that. I think as adults, we forget.

[00:32:59] We take for granted the fact that everybody, you know, first of all, maybe we think that everybody knows. Right. Right. And we think everybody has coping mechanisms. Yeah. And we think that people understand. And people just don't. Right. Because everybody's different. Right. And it could be new for people. Like for me. Yeah. I'm like, if you don't know.

[00:33:28] And like when we watched inside out too, like, I remember getting emotional. I try to play it off. Like I did choke on pizza popcorn. But I, like I said, I can't quickly like, okay, suck it up. Right. So then I was like, no, you know, after we were leaving and I told him, you know, that the anxiety feeling, I'm like, mommy feels like that a lot. I was like, and this movie really showed like exactly what it feels like. And so we talked about that. And so now he knows. Yeah. Okay. But like, and I think that is the one thing that we are doing well with him.

[00:33:58] I'm not saying the only thing, but that is one of the things we are doing well. You're really nailing it. Good job. Is that I want him to be emotionally intelligent. Like I want him to be able to stand up for himself and like in a healthy way and say how he's feeling or somebody's hurt his feelings that they've hurt his feelings. Like I want him to not be ashamed. Yeah. And then what do you do when somebody has hurt your feelings? Like, how do you like, what are the things that you can do? Right. Like when you're having, I call them big emotions.

[00:34:28] I even say, I've gotten to the point now where I'm like, I'm just having big emotions. I need you to leave me alone. Yeah. As I might go in my room and pout for like 20 minutes, check on me in 20 minutes. If I'm not okay, I'll let you know. My kid is way more emotionally intelligent. Like he teaches me more now at 21 than I ever, I feel like I ever taught him. Right.

[00:34:55] Because I thought I was, I thought I was ending cycles too. Right. And in my own way, I tried to do the thing, but it just, I don't know. I think this is probably like that where you just get on yourself because you never think that you're enough and you never think you're good enough and you're right. Like, whatever. You can like identify the times you didn't do it. Right.

[00:35:23] But like, remember all of the other times, you know, right? Right. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. So anyway, so he teaches me all the time now. But what I was going to say is like, you guys are 20, about 20 years younger than I am. Right. Okay. I didn't learn any of this shit when I was their age, when I was Nugget's age. Yeah. When I was your son's age. I didn't learn any of that. Right. It's all like fucking trial and error. Yeah.

[00:35:49] And I think that we have an opportunity now with the younger generation, give them the tools that we didn't have. Right. Like, I think that's really important because there's so many adults out there that are wandering around to dirty skills point that have no fucking idea like what they're feeling. Yeah. But they're anxious and they're mad and frustrated and frustrated. They can't label it. Yeah. Because nobody taught them what those things are.

[00:36:17] And I think that as we, I think that now is the time that, you know, parents really need to help their parents, help their kids. Right. It's a next generation and I think they're healthier than we are. I think the next generation, like, I think the next couple of generations are so changed. Right.

[00:36:42] Some for the good, some for the bad, but I feel like the emotional intelligence of these new groups of humans that are growing up and living life right now. I feel like there's so much hope. Right. And now I just want to bring on like all the adults along with them.

[00:37:06] Like, I want adults to recognize that they also need to be giving themselves grace, giving others grace, they need to be labeling their emotions, why they're having that emotion. And what are things that you can do for your body? Yeah.

[00:37:34] Because my body is different than your body is different than G's body is different than Nugget's body. Right. So everybody reacts differently to every emotion. You have to really work it out. And it takes a long time. And I am just sort of starting that journey, I guess we can call it. But like, I don't know the adults, I like, I want to bring the adults along with the kids. I think the kids are getting it right.

[00:38:03] They crazy as well, motherfuckers. Right. But I feel like, but I feel like when they're serious about something that they're passionate about it. Yeah. But like, how do you teach adults kindness and compassion? I mean, I just being kind and being compassionate and giving grace and following through with.

[00:38:27] Okay, so following through with, is that really what you meant to say? This is what I heard. Right. Instead of being so reactive, this is one of the things that I'm like sitting straight in the middle of, right? In my life is that this is what I heard. Is this what you meant? And what did you just hear me say?

[00:38:57] Because what I said is not what you heard. Right. And what you said back to me is not what I heard. Right. So I think intention, I think we need to follow through on finding intention. And we can do it. Right. Like, it's hard. Yeah. But I think you're tapping onto like such a big key because I think if we are not honest

[00:39:23] with ourselves or like asking, communicating, I guess if we're not communicating with each other and with ourselves and you don't get to that point. So like, I could misunderstand the intention behind what somebody says, but my reaction is to what I misunderstood. Right. So if you're not, if you're not clearing out that miscommunication. Then it just stays and it sticks and it polarizes and it makes it way bigger and way deeper.

[00:39:53] And way uglier than what it could be. Right. Like it could just be a miscommunication. Maybe this person really is pissing you in your Cheerios. Right. Maybe this person has intent to shit in your Cheerios and they're right. So like, if they are, that's okay. Cause that's where they're at and you don't have to sit there and engage further. Right.

[00:40:21] Like you don't have to sit there and continue. If you feel like you're just going in circles with this human, you can say it out loud. I don't, I feel like we're not going anywhere. I feel like this conversation is just going around back and back. Right. And I'm not getting anything out of it, but more frustrated. Do you want to come back to it later?

[00:40:51] Because I need a timeout. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I think it's okay to some degree to be vulnerable, admitting, hey, this, I don't, this isn't working for me right now. Like, I'm, I don't understand what you're saying. And like being vulnerable in that moment to say it out loud and to, yeah. Yeah. I think it's harder though in the work environment, right? Because we've all had those conversations, right? Oh yeah. Yeah.

[00:41:19] Somebody saying something to you and maybe you misconstrue it, but probably not misconstruing it and being like, yeah, can you take a step back and like, can you explain to me what you're trying to say, but maybe in a nicer tone? I think that, I don't think, I, I know that people know what they're saying, but I don't think that they take a step back to say, hey, is this hurting somebody's feelings or am I being

[00:41:45] a dick? Because you know what? It's never, ever, ever okay to be a dick. Right? Never. Take a step back. Think about how you want to approach this, how it's, and maybe how it's going to affect the other person when you say it. Right? This is a mini meditation guided by Bombas. Repeat after me. I'm comfy. Comfy. I'm cozy. Cozy.

[00:42:14] I have zero blisters on my toes. Blisters. And that's because I wear Bombas. The softest socks, underwear, and t-shirts that give back. One purchased equals one donated. Now go to bombas.com slash listen and use code listen for 20% off your first purchase. That's B-O-M-B-A-S dot com slash listen and use code listen at checkout.

[00:42:41] And maybe that's what that person needs in that moment, G. Maybe they just need for you to stop the crazy in the tracks. Maybe they're just so pissed and so frustrated. They're spinning. But yeah, they really are. They're swirling down that fucking toilet and they don't know how to stop because they just got to get it out of their body. Right? But you saying in the tone, in that exact tone.

[00:43:03] Okay. This is what I hear. Is this really what you were intending? Is this your intention behind what you were trying to say? Absolutely. And I think in most cases that would be okay. But there's some people out there that are just assholes. Absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely. Look, I know exactly what you're talking about. You and I have for sure exchanged conversations, even to the point where I've shared some of those conversations. We're talking about something specific?

[00:43:34] Well, I have a very specific example, but I think that she was talking more in a general sense. Six weeks, I think I can dish now, but definitely in the work environment have been a part of very toxic conversations. Ouch. To a point where in that moment, I will give myself credit. I'm going to give myself credit. Give yourself the credit.

[00:43:56] I can remain professional and I was able to stand up for myself and it's a very like, fuck you, you piece of shit, but in a professional way. Good for you. But at the end of the day, in my mind, the way they took back what I was putting back out to them, I think they realized either, oh, I was spiraling.

[00:44:23] I had gone too far. Maybe he was going in an direction he didn't necessarily mean to go. Or maybe I'm the first person to stop him in his tracks and be like, that's not going to fly with me. Like what you just said isn't going to work here. Yeah. I have to say for one second and then we can finish it. Hez, you look like a Halloween pumpkin right now. I know. I've been trying not to look at myself. I feel like I'm a jack-o'-lantern because I've got these giant like cabbage patch kid face.

[00:44:51] For anybody that's listening, Hez has this red glowing microphone. And she's sitting there. It's very Halloween. It is very Halloween. And it's very Halloween. And it is giving me so much happiness right now. But I couldn't just let it go because I'm... You're distracted. You're distracted by it. You're distracted by me. Because I'm five years old. I'm in brazen. And I've had those conversations with you, Derry Skittles. Yeah. Like, it's not fucking right, right?

[00:45:21] And maybe you didn't want to miss place. Well, I think he also has a master's degree in gaslighting. And fucking manipulation. And so, do I think at the end of the day, I have changed his ways? Absolutely not. No. Will he ever speak to me like that again? Nope. He never gonna fucking talk to me like that again, buddy. Okay. He's not gonna talk to you because you're gonna stop him in his tracks? Or he learned his lesson? I won't allow him to. I will never put myself in that position again.

[00:45:51] Because I can't guarantee what he's gonna do, nor can I control it. Yes. But I know, as part of my life, that is my boundary to never go back to that sort of relationship. Because that's what it was. It was a working relationship. Nice. Yeah. You can suck it. Nice. Yes! I might have to edit that out. I'm not a... Yeah. No, for sure. No. Okay. And we're in a safe space with you and what hundreds of thousands of other people that download your podcast.

[00:46:21] So, it's fine. This is a safe space. Honestly. But I love... No. But I love where this conversation went. I mean, it's been such a good conversation. And so, I have a question... A couple of questions for both of you. So, for Pess, like, with everything going on, like, what have you been doing for self-love and self-care? Oh, these questions. Okay. So, I love... Can I tell you?

[00:46:49] I love the questions because they're specific and direct. And I have been thinking about the questions. So, I listen to you guys on the way back and forth to work. Like, every time. Every Tuesday. Right? Oh! Another episode. Because it just automatically comes on in my car. Right? And I always walk away with something. Right? Always walk away. But this... After my... Okay.

[00:47:19] So, I was with my grandpa when he passed. Right? So, I... I... There was a lot of things that were happening right there for me. And so, I knew that this... The conversations that you guys have always remind me of something. That... That... I need to be doing. Like, between you and your guests. Always find something that I need to be doing.

[00:47:47] Or remind me of something that I need to be doing. So... It was... I guess maybe August. I had really just done like a total binge. From like episode one. Until whatever you guys had released. At that point. Right. And... I just kept hearing G say... Self-love and self-care. Yes. Self-love and self-care.

[00:48:16] Self-love and self-care. Self-love and self-care. And I'm like, you know what? I'm starting to feel a little attacked. So, what you're saying is you're prepared now for this question. Right. Well... But... It also like... What am I doing? Yeah. What am I like? How am I watching myself? How am I caring for myself? What am I doing?

[00:48:45] So that I can create that safe space. Right? And so... I realized that... I am still in... Antisocial pandemic mode. It's turned into a hobby. And... I don't mean to laugh, but... I love that. But it is. Right? Like, it's... It is what it is. Mm-hmm. And so...

[00:49:14] I found this... I've been crocheting my whole life off and on. I crochet. But I'm not like a fancy crocheter that like reads a pattern and like makes really great things. I'm like... I'm gonna make 7,000 scarves and like 10 big like hats. And it's all gonna be the same stitch. And it's all gonna be fucked up. And it's all gonna be mine. And I don't give a shit. Right? So...

[00:49:41] I've always wanted to learn how to knit. Because in my brain, knitters are bougie. They are. The two little... Yes. Exactly. Exactly. And they make such... Like you can make... You literally between crochet and knitting can make anything. A whole outfit. Literally a house. You can make a house. If you want to make a house out of knit, make a house out of knit. You could do it.

[00:50:07] So all this self-love and self-care. Self-love and self-care. And I'm just like... The attaching is real. Like I'm cheeky about it. But only because hearing it over and over and over and over again really like made me think about it. Like really made me sit. So okay. So antisocial. I have a bestie westie boo.

[00:50:36] I actually have two bestie westie boos. And we have a lot of things in common. Like we love trashy books. And we love sitting and drinking coffee in our little like corner coffee shop in the little town that we live in. And like super like... I don't know. I don't know. It's also wholesome. Sweet and smart. Yeah. Wholesome. Yeah. Right? Like... And we complain about, you know, our lives.

[00:51:05] And then we say, okay, yeah, that was really great complaining. But like what good happened? Right? Was there anything that we can glean from this? And we were out one day. Not this... Like a year ago. It was November. We're in November now. So a year ago, we were sitting in our little coffee shop. And there were these two ladies. Like one was crocheting and one was knitting. And I was like, are you guys trying to get...

[00:51:35] Because I'm not that person always that's just like, I wonder what they're doing. Oh, is this a thing? Like what's going on? Like I got up my ass and I went over there and said, like, are you guys like trying to get like a knitting circle together or like crocheting or whatever? And this beautiful human was like, actually, I'm doing a storefront.

[00:52:00] And I'm going to give lessons and it's going to be like a yarn thing and... Right? So I was like, cool. Well, she opened in September and she has these Thursday nights where you just go and take whatever it is you're working on and you just sit and you crochet or you knit. Cool. So I'm like socializing, right?

[00:52:29] I'm socializing on my level. So self-care, self-love, Gretchen. You got it. You got it. This is because, right? Because I need to socialize. I need to not be in my own space all by myself all the time. Boom. Check. Self-love, self-care. And then I got to thinking, I was like, well, what's the next thing? What do I want next? I want to learn how to knit. Because knitting looks cool. Right? Because I'm that dork. I'm here for it.

[00:52:59] So I took a lesson. And it has just been so much fun. Right? Like I made a, it's a cowl, which is just sits on your neck, keeps your neck warm. I don't, I never, I don't know what that is. I've never seen one. Huh? What color?

[00:53:22] So it was this like super fancy yarn and it was like gray, but it had like all different colors in it. So it made me think of like a, like 4th of July when the fireworks go off. And it's just the black night, the dark night, and then all the colors. Right? So it's not that vibrant, but that's just what it reminded me of. It was gorgeous.

[00:53:51] And so I'm a knitter now. Right? And that was just like, it took me a long time and a lot of self-love, self-care, self-love, self-care. So that is like the thing. My bestie Westies. And trying to give myself grace when I start running my mouth when I shouldn't. When you need some chopstick. When I need some glue stick.

[00:54:21] Yes. Exactly. Right? So those are my things, right? Like I've been trying to just maintain small moments of joy. I love that. That makes me happy. It makes me happy too. So what are you doing for self-love and self-care? Self-love, self-care. She fucking hits me with that also when she calls me almost every day. Yeah, but nobody ever.

[00:54:51] What are you doing with self-love, self-care, huh, Grinch? So for me, I've been writing a lot. My book, I am half a chapter away from completing my book. Sweet. I hope to have that done by next weekend. Patience and grace. A lot of it. Because I will say for the last couple weeks, I'm getting up every morning and crying. And also seeing my therapist a little bit more than I normally would. Okay.

[00:55:22] Being very open with my emotions. Like two years ago, I would have clammed up, put on my happy smiley face and everything was fine. Everything's not fine right now. It's not. And it's absolutely freeing, right? Because like, you know, the whole podcast started with us, you know, Dirty Skittles and I laughing every day and me opening up to social media. Yeah. Yeah. You were hiding before and now you're actually not. No, I'm not.

[00:55:50] Like, people know where I stand. So that's been really freeing for me. And then I've been trying to get out a little bit outside. It's been chilly here. So now I actually have to put on shoes and socks and not my flip-flops. Are you still wearing shorts or do you have pants? Today I have pants on in the house because it's a little cold. But later on, we are going to put shorts on because it's hot here. Okay. Like hot. You just said that and then Nellie just went through my skin.

[00:56:18] And she takes off her car goes, fuck it. Whipping them around. That's right. That's right. Probably break something here in the office. But just being with the moment. Right? I'm trying to be with the moment. Look at things that make me happy and not giving things energy that don't deserve it. That's what I've been doing. And so with that, I'm going to pass the torch to Dirty Skittles. Go, girl!

[00:56:49] It never gets easier, by the way, Pez. It never is like something that I'm like, I totally know what I'm going to say the next time she asks me. No, I don't. But. Listen, it changes though, right? Like every day is different. God. And it's also like hard to remember when you're in the throes of like just depression to fucking do self-love and self-care, right? Yes! So I'm starting to understand it looks differently on different days. Today. Yeah, today.

[00:57:17] I am taking it easy with Christmas decorating. So Christmas is my favorite holiday. The G-Rex's advice. You're going through something difficult. Do something that's going to make you happy. Decorate for Christmas early. Yeah, there you go. So I pulled out the tree and normal me would be boom. I would have the whole house decorated in like two hours. But in the midst of it all, I just don't have the fucking will to do it. Yeah. But I'm taking it easy.

[00:57:45] I'm not going to harp on myself for not being my, you know, tripper jolly Christmas self. I am going to pace myself. And if I finish it tomorrow, I finish it tomorrow. But I got the tree up. It's halfway decorated. That's the hard part, right? Yeah. Yeah. Getting started. Right. Getting started. And then finishing it. Like some of the other things I think you've been doing too is like been baking, right? Oh, yeah.

[00:58:13] I love to do things with my hands when I'm like really depressed. Like to get out of my mind space. Yeah. Yeah. I made a pasta dough yesterday. It was so good. I cannot fucking get my sourdough to start. But, you know, I'm working through it. That's hard. Sourdough is hard as shit. Yeah. Hard as shit. Yeah. I'm battling. Everybody's like, it's so easy. I was like, well, come make me something. No, ma'am. Not if you want it to be good. But.

[00:58:41] So, yeah, I like to be in the kitchen on my own terms and kneading dough. And I find it very therapeutic because my mind goes blank. And I'm just. You can only focus on that one thing. Right. So that has been my little happy moments here and there. It's what I'm in the kitchen. Good. And they don't have to be like happy, right? Like you don't have to go in the opposite direction of like depression. Right into, oh, I have to be happy.

[00:59:11] No, you don't have to be happy. You just have to breathe. Yeah. Just remember to breathe. Yeah. And that's something I think I am working. Wash your ass. Yeah. You know. Brush your teeth. At least get under the water. Take your meds. Take it. Baby steps. The water is on and I am under it. Now let's see how far I can go. Yeah. All you got to do now is spread your cheeks, bud. It's fine.

[00:59:39] Have you been using the face stuff on your face stuff? I'm going to say, because you know, like even when I was like rolled down bad with the COVID, I was still doing that every night. And just as luck would have it, this shit has fucking kicked my ass being this depressed that I've missed doing it every night. But I know that I'm like, I know I'm going to feel better when I use Heather Grace's skincare. Still going to shout her shit out.

[01:00:04] So I am pushing myself to do those things that I know I feel happy after. But it's just, yeah, it's a battle. It's a battle. I have to say, Pez, thank you for this awesome conversation. It's so good to catch up with you. Oh, well, can we just have you here all the time? Yeah, absolutely. You tell me when you want me and I will be here. Every time. I enjoy it. I love it. I just love you so much. And thank you for being so vulnerable and, you know.

[01:00:34] Unloading shit? I love it when you guys invite me on the podcast. Then I get to say a lot of shit. Yeah. But, you know, you also make people think, right? We make people think. And like your episode was one of our, one of the best episodes that we have out there. So people just keep going back to listen to it. Hi, all. Thank you so much for listening to this episode. I'm G-Rex. And I'm Dirty Skittles. Don't forget to subscribe, rate, and review this podcast.

[01:01:04] We'd love to listen to your feedback. We can't do this without you guys. It's okay to be not okay. Just make sure you're talking to someone.

[01:02:49] Bombas makes the most comfortable socks, underwear, and t-shirts. Warning. Bombas are so absurdly comfortable, you may throw out all your other clothes. Sorry, do we legally have to say that? No, this is just how I talk, and I really love my Bombas. They do feel that good. And they do good, too. One item purchased equals one item donated. To feel good and do good, go to bombas.com slash listen and use code listen for 20% off your first purchase. That's B-O-M-B-A-S dot com slash listen. And use code listen at checkout.