Choosing Peace Over Pain: Susan’s Story of Boundaries and Breakthroughs (Part 3 of 3)

[00:00:06] Hey there listeners, welcome to Shit That Goes On In Our Heads, the podcast where we normalize conversations around mental health. That's right. I'm Dirty Skittles and alongside my amazing co-host, G-Rex, we are here to share stories and tips from our incredible guests. Each episode we deep dive into struggles and triumphs of mental health, offering practical advice and heartfelt support. Because no one should feel alone in their journey. Join us as we break the stigma and build a community of understanding and compassion.

[00:00:35] Tune in and let's start talking about the shit that goes on in our heads. This is part three of a three-part episode. But I left that meeting feeling like I had my boundaries, I said what I needed to say, I was empathetic to her feelings, I did not make this about me, and I felt good about the conversation.

[00:01:07] I didn't hear anything from her for two weeks. And I finally had a conversation with my brother and I said, I'm just curious. Did mom finish my book? And he goes, oh yeah, I was going to tell you about that. And I said, okay. And he said, yeah, she called me one day. And she said, I need you to go with me to the lawyers.

[00:01:37] And I was like, what? And she said, yeah, I'm taking your sister out of the will. And I was like, there's my answer. You know, I remember the question I had asked before the book came out. Was this going to destroy what was left? Or was this going to open a conversation? And she chose to end it. I'm really sorry that happened. It's all right.

[00:02:03] You know, there's some times where, and it took me a while to get to this place, but in this healing too, you realize what you're worth. And you realize and can recognize what is toxic and what is not. And what you deserve and what I deserve as a child is respect, is love unconditionally with no judgment, right?

[00:02:33] It's what I give my kids. And I expect that as well. If she had opened a conversation with me, I'd have been totally open to it. But because her answer was that I attacked her by telling her story about her drinking and her coping mechanism, that I was attacking her. And I wasn't.

[00:03:00] Anyone who reads my book has never said to me, oh my God, your mom's a monster. No one. No one. Because that's not how I portray her, right? I do not. I have no judgment about people that utilize drugs, alcohol, whatever, for a coping mechanism.

[00:03:27] Because that's their coping mechanism, right? And that's their journey. And they have to figure it out for themselves. Amen. Yeah. So it's, you know, I don't blame her for picking up the bottle. I don't blame her for that.

[00:03:49] But there are consequences to the choices and the behavior that affected me as her child, that affected my brother as her child. And because she takes no responsibility and just looks at it as a victim. And that I'm punishing her. I'm making her look bad.

[00:04:18] I'm taking the facade of her being the supporting, loving mom that she portrayed to everyone. And now people know the truth.

[00:04:33] I think in some cases, like, I think in some cases that when that happens is like, they need to look inward and take care of their own mental health before they start, you know, giving us crap about our own mental health, right? Like, we all deal with it differently, right? And like, it's our story. It's not their story. Exactly. It is. Exactly. Our insight to what happened to us. Right.

[00:05:03] And what we did to make it better, right? Because we could both still be wallowing in, like, self-pity and still be going through PTSD and still, like, denying all the shit that went on. Yeah. Yeah. And until you look inward, it's about you. It's not about anybody else, right? Right. It's about what you experienced and what you want to put out into the world. Exactly.

[00:05:27] And for those of us that don't see that or don't understand it, I don't know, maybe they need to go to their own therapist. Yeah. Yeah. The thing of it is that with my mother, like, people always ask me this question. Have you ever encouraged your mom to get therapy? Have you ever had that opportunity to have that conversation with her in your adult world?

[00:05:54] And the answer is many times. And the answer was always the same. Therapy is for your brother in you. I don't need it. I'm fine. And, you know, so she chooses not to. And she's up there in age now. It's not going to change. Right.

[00:06:19] And so when this split happened in our relationship, I had a conversation with my brother about it because I said, you know, I want you to understand. First of all, him, her doing that to me was a trigger for him because his whole life, he felt like all of the focus has always been around him.

[00:06:43] She is always, I used to call him the star child, even though he was making very bad choices in his life and got into some trouble and addiction and all of that. But she enabled that behavior. And I had to step away from that several times just to protect my own mental health. But I told him, you know, he got angry because he just like, I don't understand why we just can't be a family.

[00:07:10] And I had to finally explain to him that I'm in a place in my life right now where I don't want toxic relationships around me. I need to protect my peace, hold my light. And anytime I was around, anytime my husband was around her and we were together and we were around her, we stepped on eggshells. We never knew what it was going to be like.

[00:07:39] There was always judgment somewhere, you know, and that's, she chooses to be that way. Right. It's just how she's wired. I'm not wired that way. And so I need to protect myself, protect my peace for not just myself, but my family as well. And I still feel love for my mom. I still send her love.

[00:08:05] I know that on this earth, she's not going to change. Her mindset isn't going to change. You know, she's not going to have this big epiphany one day and wake up and all of a sudden be a Hallmark holiday mom. It's not going to happen. Right. And so when I did walk away from the relationship, yeah, there were people that were like, oh, you got to fight harder. Why do I have to fight harder?

[00:08:34] I have been like this my entire life. I always said to myself, if I do this, she will love me more. If I get this award, if I do well in real estate, if I, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I will get more love from her. I will be equal to my brother. Right. I, we would have a close relationship.

[00:09:02] I told myself that for years and years and years. And I'm at a point right now where when people say to me, you should have fought harder or she's older now. And, you know, don't you want to have a relationship with her because she's elderly and she needs, you know, people and blah, blah, blah. My, my, my answer to them is this. She has chosen this walk. She has chosen this journey.

[00:09:33] And she has chosen to sever our relationship. She gave me that answer. When people show you who they are, believe them. It is 100% true. She has shown me who she is innately my entire life. And I finally recognize it as an adult woman. And there's nothing wrong with it.

[00:09:58] Just because they gave birth to you doesn't an obligation for you to remain in a relationship. If that relationship is toxic, you've got to do what you've got to do for your own mental health. And if that's to walk away and go no contact, then so be it. Right. So. Wow. What a powerful story.

[00:10:24] Like, thank you so, so, so much for being so open. No problem. I'm an open book. I always tell people like when I wrote my book, when I push that button, people ask me, what did it feel like?

[00:10:50] I said, it felt like being on the side of a highway during rush hour, buck naked. Everybody sees you for who you are. Scary. All of it. Good, bad, or indifferent. Right? And it is terrifying and freeing at the same time.

[00:11:18] And I'm really grateful. You know, I'm very grateful for this journey. And I say this. My purpose came from my dad's death. And my dad's purpose came from my dad's death. And some people hear that and go, how can you say that?

[00:11:43] I am not saying that I, I'm not saying that it's no big deal that happened or whatever. Right? It's just saying that we're all given things, some horrific things in life. And there's always a lesson in it. If you look for it.

[00:12:07] And so there were so many lessons in this tragedy that occurred that made me who I am today. And in that, I wouldn't take that back. Because I'm finally the person, I'm learning to be the person that I've always wanted to be.

[00:12:32] And now my purpose is to help others to be the people they've always wanted to be. And not allow what happened to them or the person that hurt them to continue that pattern, to continue to have a hold over them. I have a question because I've been wondering it since you said it. When we first started recording, you had said you are a cop's daughter.

[00:13:02] Later on in your story, you said I am my father's daughter. And I want to know what does that mean for you? Like, what do you, when you say that, what does it mean? I feel like I'm continuing his legacy. My dad was always, like I said, he was a very, he was the type of person that gave you a safe space. He knew, he was very present.

[00:13:29] You know, he made you feel like you were the most important person in the room. Whether you worked with him, whether he trained you, whether he was your dad, whether you were married to him. It was, he was the same person with everyone. Authentic, you know? And that's what I strive to be like.

[00:13:55] So I feel like I am carrying on that legacy by doing what I'm doing and speaking how I'm speaking and my message that I'm putting out. Because I feel like he's got a part of it. And he knew, or he knows that this was my purpose. Is taking this tragedy and these lessons that I've learned through it.

[00:14:25] And through the journey of healing. To help others. Because he lived his life in service of others. And I am living a life of service to others. So when I say I'm my father's daughter, that's what I mean.

[00:14:49] Not to mention, I feel like I also grew up with a man who accepted everyone. No matter who you were. And he just saw everybody as human beings. And that is to who I am. So I feel like I carry that on.

[00:15:15] And I've tried to teach my kids, which my kids are, I know everybody says this, but they are incredible human beings. Those who do have those same thought processes and same values in life. Where they accept everyone and love everyone and will fight for everyone. That's because you're a good mom. Like you learned your lesson.

[00:15:44] you know we all learn from our past trauma of like that better version of ourselves and you know i'm proud of you for like digging deep and you know helping to heal yourself because the world needs you right like you're a bright light the world needs more people like you and i and even you know like dirty skittles we need we all need each other whether you're writing a book about your life or just out there making the world a better place especially

[00:16:14] for those of us that you know have mental you know mental problems you know ptsd sucks and it does and it's not just like past childhood trauma it could be any kind of trauma yeah like in my case it was an acquisition of a company when it happened again i had some serious ptsd because of it and like it's shit that's that sits with you and you know what there's no weakness in asking for help

[00:16:42] absolutely none and there's no shame i don't care if you're a man i don't care if you're a woman i don't care if you're a teenager you're a child there is absolutely zero weakness asking for help look at it this way i look at it this way as well so i talk about forgiveness for instance because there's so much thought around or thoughts around forgiveness and i tell people this forgiveness is

[00:17:11] not it's not it's not forgiving the actual act or the actual person right what you're doing is you're taking your power back from that person from that thing that hurt you and you're saying you can no longer hurt me anymore i am going to heal from this and leave you in the dust right so that i look at

[00:17:38] that as your journey of healing as well you are saying to yourself i am no longer i am taking my power back from this person or this thing or this trauma that has held over me that has kept me from the life i want the relationships i want and i'm no longer gonna let that happen and so i'm gonna make this choice

[00:18:07] to get help and it isn't weakness it's power you are taking your power because everybody is powerful guys like we all have it within ourselves you just gotta find it and when you do and you make that choice and you find your person sky's the limit i'm so thankful i have my person my my wife is amazing

[00:18:35] and you know and i get to do this with dirty skittles i have these two amazing beautiful people in my life and my wife gets to hear all the things like in my day-to-day life and so does dirty skittles i still call her every single morning before work and we still laugh just the way we did like two years ago and she was part of my healing yeah and you know laughter is okay it is certain things we shouldn't laugh

[00:19:04] out but we do anyway so you know you know you i think healing is not linear period right and even even grief when i talk about grief you can have joy and sadness coexist it's not disrespectful to

[00:19:31] the person you're grieving if you find joy in something and same with healing like i feel like i've met people that are like i'm healing but i have to sit in it you know like i i'm healing but i have to sit in my

[00:19:53] sadness i i need to sit in my depression i need to sit in this until it's almost like until the next step the next session the next whatever right and guess what you can be healing and have depression depression but you can also have a joyous day it's okay and because like i said it's not linear

[00:20:22] it's not one size fits all people deal with things differently complex human beings yeah i mean this is why when i meet people i don't say i understand how you feel whether it's someone who has lost somebody and they're grieving or if they have gone through a trauma or whatever because i didn't

[00:20:44] experience that experience i didn't have the same relationship with that person so i can't say that i can't say i understand how you feel because i didn't have the same experience i'm not having the same feelings about things i'm not but what i can say is this is what i've been through and this is how i dealt

[00:21:12] with it and because you can physically see the progression of the healing that people can say oh my gosh all right because i can't say that i'm not having the same experience as well as i'm not having the same feeling that i'm not having the same feeling that i'm not having the same feeling that i'm not having the same

[00:21:39] if i can i don't care if i'm speaking in front of a hundred people thousand people ten thousand people which is a goal if i can get to one person and that's listening to me that's seeing me speak if i can get to one person that says i'm ready to start my journey i'm ready to start healing

[00:22:08] i've done my job that's what i'm on this earth for so i love i love what you're doing i love how you're inspirational you know thank you never saw that coming you know it is weird it's very weird because like in doing what i do now and in in having conversations i'll give you an example

[00:22:38] so my oldest had a bunch of people over last night from the lgbtq community and our house has always been a safe haven for kids since our kids were little right the joke is that we collect children not in the weird way but kids that maybe their home lives are not fantastic

[00:23:05] and they just need a little bit extra support right so it's always been a safe house like a safe haven a place where they can come in no judgment we tried to show unconditional love and even though my kids are adults and i will not discuss their ages because it makes me feel old and we're not going to go there

[00:23:31] there was a man here last night a young man and i he was asking me what i do and i told him and then he i told him my story and in that moment he felt that he could be vulnerable and tell me what he was currently dealing with and as i was listening to him

[00:23:59] i felt his vulnerability and i felt him like the universe was like yep i put you two together for a reason right because i was able to give him or guide him or coach him with some advice that he's heard from other people but because i've walked

[00:24:28] the walk that i've walked for some reason he listened to me and said you're right i've got to do this and i was talking to him about journaling and he said i used to do it but i'm not really consistent with it blah blah blah and i said why why is it that you're not consistent where's your fear and he said well i just never know what to say and that's a normal thing

[00:24:58] right so i said okay you can take this as it is but what if you were to what if you were to journal gratitude every day what if you were to wake up in the morning and think of three things that you're grateful for every single day and write them down and write them why you're grateful for those things so when the world feels like it's on fire

[00:25:27] around you and you're feeling overwhelmed that this is something you can concentrate on is what you're grateful for and his eyes got really big and he was like oh my god that's incredible that's amazing i think i can do that i said great start tomorrow you know another way that people can journal too if they're not comfortable with writing you know all of our phones

[00:25:56] have recorders on them yeah just recording i told him that too i was like you can use your phone you can write it down however you want to do but when you start in the morning with three things you're grateful for and why you're grateful for it it will change your trajectory of the day it will change your mindset it will really make you step back and i always tell people zoom out

[00:26:26] don't you know don't put all your focus into one little thing i mean for god's sake if we did that right now people would lose their minds right because you would be like oh my god the world's on fire the world's on fire literally yes and no it is you know yes and no are there horrible things happening yes are there beautiful things happening yes coexisting right now and

[00:26:55] so looking for the things that are positive in your life that you're grateful for in your life kind of allows you to zoom out a little bit and the things that feel like they're out of control and that have a hold on you are lessened a bit right so i told him i said

[00:27:25] you know try it see if it works see if it helps and i'm curious to hear in the future if it made any difference in his life or in his days and you know he's also a parent and he feels like because he hasn't healed whatever's going on inside of him he's putting

[00:27:54] it on his child and i told him this i said the fact that you're recognizing that is huge because that gives you the power to change it but i'm going to tell you like you have to heal yourself don't heal for your child you heal yourself and your child will heal your child will watch our kids

[00:28:24] watch everything we do right and so if they see a healed parent if the language changes around them they're going to pick up on that and they're going to be fine they're going to be great they're going to loving human beings and that's all you need and i thought this man was going to cry in the kitchen but he gave me a big giant hug and

[00:28:53] he's like can i hug you i said sure can and so i gave him a hug but like those are the things that come up in my life it's the universe telling me you are doing what you are supposed to be doing you are helping people in the way that you need to be helping because i too i get imposter syndrome that creeps in and says you know

[00:29:23] do i have the right to say these things do i am i gonna screw somebody up by saying some things that i say or you know whatever but i have the faith in the work that i've done and just my knowing when i meet somebody that there's a message that i'm supposed to be telling them it's just a knowing it's a knowing it's the universe saying

[00:29:53] i'm gonna use you as a conduit in this very moment and so when i saw the look on his face i knew that what i was saying to him was registering and it was important so when i do that i'm grateful i'm so so grateful so i went to bed last night on top of the world

[00:30:23] because i got to have that one conversation and i had spoke to a lot of kids that i say kids because they're a lot younger than me but i had lots of different conversations with the kids last night but that one kid that one young man was i went to bed like yay

[00:30:54] because you just made the difference in somebody's life right and i think you know we have these lived experiences that you know we've learned from we're still healing from and if we can impart that wisdom onto somebody that is going through that or going through something similar i think it's our duty to mentor down or mentor up absolutely because we don't want anybody to feel as terrified and alone in their own journey as

[00:31:24] we did on our own exactly or in their journey as we did on our own exactly and you know the more we talk about it the better it is for all of us in the world because you know every time we share our stories we unlock somebody else's prison because there may be somebody out there that has gone through something similar to what you did and the lessons and the tips and the tricks that you have imparted especially on this episode are like

[00:31:54] are groundbreaking and I'm so like I'm so appreciative of you and like everything that you've poured into this and healed yourself at the same time right because now you're a badass mom you're a badass author you're a badass wife you know and you're still a badass daughter no matter what anybody says they can't take that shit away from you so you know like wear it like a fucking badge yeah I mean I

[00:32:23] I am proud of myself for the first time in my life and I like I said I never thought I would get to this point but the universe has a way of showing me that you know I am in the right place and I'm doing the right thing and you know I went from being a hairdresser into real estate and you know just trying to grasp what I need to be doing in

[00:32:53] this life to make a difference and everything I feel like I've done experience wise has been a stepping stone to getting me to where I am now because I've grasped lessons in each career that has gotten me to the place that I am right now and so I'm grateful for that for sure and I am

[00:33:23] proud of myself and you know it's not ending now like you know with healing it continues until you're no longer on this earth so because I wrote a book because I'm a speaker because I'm a coach doesn't mean that I'm done healing from things right or learning lessons in life I'm not perfect by any means I make lots of mistakes but I also am not in the

[00:33:53] mindset anymore of torturing myself over it and making myself full of shame and guilt and all of that it's okay I screwed up and I need to learn from this right and take responsibility for it and then move on and you do have to be a healed person in order to do that and so

[00:34:22] on the flip side of that is that I also have compassion for others and so when I see people behaving badly or you know speaking badly I can see that person as an unhealed person so my reaction to them is a lot different it comes from curiosity

[00:34:51] and compassion because you never know what someone is going through right you don't know what their mindset you don't know how they're feeling you don't know you know what just happened 15 minutes ago that could have destroyed their life right and so people react they're reactionary human beings right so you

[00:35:21] lash out you say things that are terrible whatever but you don't know what other people are going through and so I think we're being I think we're having a very big lesson in that right now and you know when I say like it feels like the world's on fire it does but you know

[00:35:49] Mr. Rogers was a very intuitive man who understood things on a whole different level about compassion for others and so when he says look for the helpers look for the positive because we are so chock full of negativity and you have all of the programming or the

[00:36:19] trauma I tell people I'm going to be a very busy girl being a trauma resiliency coach because everything that's happening right now is really pulling things to the surface for people especially people that are unhealed from trauma so they're reactionary they're attacking people right and they're doing things

[00:36:48] out of that pain and so I continue to zoom out and I continue to really concentrate on what are the positive things educate myself on what's going on but not sit in all the turmoil and chaos and all of that and ground myself boy am I walking on grass a lot lately

[00:37:18] feeling the breeze in my face and the sunshine on my face right anything that you can do to do that but I also I look for the positive parts of what's going on and I feel like more people are waking up to understanding that this is not the type of life that they want this is not the world we want to live in and so with my work and what I do

[00:37:47] I feel like if I can heal people one person at a time that the world will be a better place because those people won't be reactionary they will understand where things come from and how they process and deal with things and maybe I can help people to learn to be more compassionate for other people and so that's kind of

[00:38:17] what I feel like my job is by putting my message out of healing and right now healing is imperative people really need to sit back and look at their lives and figure out is this what they want to continue with so I have some of my fun questions for you sure I watch out no

[00:38:47] I say fun but we've had a couple of guests be like those are not fun if you could go back to a younger version of yourself and give that younger version advice what would you say and how old are you when you go back I always go back to the 17 year old girl I remind her that she does

[00:39:17] have strength inside of her that she may not feel now and she may not see now but there is a light in there and that there are people that are around her that are willing to support her and guide her if she looks for them and that she's not alone she's not alone on an island by and that

[00:39:47] one day she's going to be able to pick herself up off the ground and not have all this pain and anguish and turmoil held over her head any longer what would you say is the hardest lesson you've learned in life so far oh my goodness where do I start I think the hardest lesson for me

[00:40:16] was recent actually it was finally understanding that I know who I am as a person and what I deserve as a person as a child as a wife as a mother my self worth

[00:40:46] is finally there that I was able to walk away from my mother and be at peace about it that was the hardest lesson I think for myself is finding that self worth thank you I love that all right so are you ready for my questions give it to me if your anxiety had a theme song what

[00:41:16] is and why oh my god my anxiety I think it would be the end of the world as we know it perfect actually that's the first song that popped into my head man I can feel that song oh my god I can feel it little you man you're aging me damn

[00:41:45] but I mean that's the song that popped up into my head you asked I like that so like I have another question for you what is your favorite word oh my gosh my favorite word is light I like that and what's your least favorite word victimhood nice

[00:42:14] nice all right my friend how can our listeners find out more about you well I can tell them the name of my book first so my the name of my book is the other side of the gun my journey from trauma to resiliency it is because I just got out of a studio

[00:42:44] is the audio book I love love that was a different journey and then I do have a website it's susansnowspeaks.com it's kind of a one one shop one stop shop it talks about my speaking it talks about my coaching and it also talks about my book so I'm on all the socials Facebook Instagram

[00:43:15] TikTok so I'm on all that I've also got a YouTube under susansnowspeaks as well and yeah so if I always tell people this I do a 40 minute free discovery call with anyone who wants to kind of see if we're a good fit if there is a way that I can help them in any kind of way or maybe you have questions about where to start with

[00:43:45] your journey you know and you're just afraid you've got some fear around it you can go into my website and send me an email and I'm happy to answer questions or talk to anyone who needs a listening ear I love this thank you thank you thank you for this beautiful conversation thank you for having it I appreciated it hi all thank you so much for listening to this episode I'm G-Rex

[00:44:14] and I'm Dirty Skittles don't forget to subscribe rate and review this podcast we'd love to listen to