Stressed, Depressed, Anxious—Summer’s Story of Survival and Self-Love

[00:00:06] Hey there, listeners. Welcome to Shit That Goes On In Our Heads, the podcast where we normalize conversations around mental health. That's right. I'm Dirty Skittles and alongside my amazing co-host, G-Rex, we are here to share stories and tips from our incredible guests. Each episode, we deep dive into struggles and triumphs of mental health, offering practical advice and heartfelt support. Because no one should feel alone in their journey. Join us as we break the stigma and build a community

[00:00:33] of understanding and compassion. Tune in and let's start talking about the shit that goes on in our heads. Two, one, welcome back to another episode of Shit That Goes On In Our Heads. I'm here today with my amazing co-host, Dirty Skittles, and we have an amazing guest, Summer. Welcome, Summer. I'm so

[00:00:57] excited to have you here. I am so excited to be here. I feel so honored in the presence of greatness. Yes. Oh, shit. Let me get my husband down here and you can repeat that one more time. Just play it back for him. Yes. Over and over again. There you go. I'm so excited to have you on. It's been like, I don't know, forever since we did a pre-recording, but I, you know,

[00:01:25] I'm just excited to hear more about you and like, what, what makes summer? What a loaded question. A bunch of stress, depression, and anxiety, I think make me up, honestly, you know, so I don't know. I feel like it's, there's just so much that goes on beneath the surface. And I feel like it's just an uphill battle every single day to kind of keep my head

[00:01:52] above water. But somehow I am still here. And if I can do it, most people could probably hack it out. What do you think makes you try every day? Like makes you, where does that fight come from? I mean, sometimes I think it's just, I'm hardwired for survival. There are some days I feel that way. Some days I feel like, you know, Hey, it's because people that know me and love me,

[00:02:18] like would feel sad if I wasn't here. So sometimes I keep going for them. And sometimes it's out of pure spite, honestly, you know, it's like a fuck you universe. Like you think you can defeat me? Fuck you. I'm going to keep living out of spite. I don't care. Sometimes it's that. And sometimes it can be as simple as I wanted to see the next episode of my favorite TV show. Like every day it changes. I love that. I mean, that's part of life, right? Like we're,

[00:02:47] what gets me out of bed every day is not ever really the same either. I don't know that I got the spite gene yet though. I do need that because there's definitely a lot of people that I would like to be like, fuck you. I'm still here, bitch. And then same for me. I'm like, you know what? I'm going to get up. I'm going to show up and I'm going to be

[00:03:12] know what? I'm going to move on with my life. Yeah. Sometimes it's like, I am suffering right now and it's about to be everyone else's problem. I feel like not a lot of people own up to that, but like literally. I mean, we have to talk about it, right? That's the thing. That's what I've learned after going through so much battles with anxiety attacks and everything. I've learned that keeping things bottled up inside and not talking about them and not expressing them is where you start

[00:03:40] to be debilitated by your mental health issues that you suffer with. So that's what I've learned to do over time is just to be like, you know what? This is what it is. Yeah. How old were you when you had your first anxiety attack? Do you remember? Oh, so my first anxiety attack, I think it was maybe like, I want to say like 19. I want to say 19 is when I had my first anxiety attack. Because before that,

[00:04:06] it was like deep depression. I'd gone through clinical depression at 17 and I didn't feel a thing. I stopped feeling, you know, my emotions and I felt like I was a ghost in my own body and very like disconnected from myself. And when I was 19, it was when I was in college. That is when I had my first anxiety attack. And that was a one and done. And then like maybe two to three years later,

[00:04:33] I started to have extremely debilitating anxiety attacks. And I couldn't figure out why I could figure out what was happening because I felt like nothing in my life had changed. So it just felt like out of left field for me. And it was happening at the most random times. And I really didn't understand anxiety at that point. I just associated it with like, oh, something's happening to make you anxious. So then you're anxious. But I didn't know that it could be, you know, like something like

[00:05:00] generalized anxiety disorder. And I remember going to the urgent care because I felt like I couldn't breathe. And, you know, I had all the symptoms of like what I thought to be a heart attack. And I was like, okay, I don't know what's going on. So I left work, went there. And I remember the devastation that I felt when the doctor there was like, yeah, it's just anxiety. I'm like, yeah, but I don't understand why I would have anxiety. I'm just living my normal life. There's not really

[00:05:26] anything going on. And he was like, well, you're, this is just who you are. You are a person with anxiety. And I remember how devastated I felt because I was like, what do you mean? This is who I am. I don't want to, I'm not anxiety. Like I don't want to be this person. I felt like it was like a death sentence when he said that to me. So yeah. I hate to bring this up again. G-Rex is going to kill me about it. Have you seen Inside Out too? I have seen Inside Out too. Yeah. It's an amazing

[00:05:54] movie. Okay. Okay. I keep telling G-Rex one day she's going to watch it because I suffer from anxiety myself. And I was telling her that the character anxiety in Inside Out too literally like nailed it on the head for me because I didn't know how to explain what I go through, like what it feels like for me until I saw that movie. And I was like, fuck. I was like, that's it. I remember like being in tears

[00:06:20] in the theater because I was like, finally, like there was a picture to it because it's always just inside my head or inside my body and it's never anything anybody else can see. So. Absolutely. And it's hard dealing with that when you feel like people around you can't understand what's going on. And I had the unfortunate circumstance of being the first person in my family to have to address those types of issues, the anxiety and the depression. So everyone was like, you're fucking nuts. What do you mean? Like, you're going to go to a therapist. Really?

[00:06:50] Eye roll. Like, what are you going to do? Talk about us? Like it was that kind of thing. Why is that? Everybody's go-to. Yeah. It's so true. Everybody's go-to is like, so you're going to talk about us? Yeah. And it's yeah. It's my fault. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. This is exactly where I'm going because you're a narcissist. I love that.

[00:07:14] So as you like, as you get that diagnosis, like from the urgent care, like, did they offer you any solutions or did they just be like, Oh, you got anxiety deuces. I'm out. Yeah. It was like, you have anxiety deuces. I'm out. And they may have mentioned some therapy, but at that point in time, like I had tuned out whatever he was saying after he said that I am just, yeah, that was, that's me. So it took a while after that for me to get to a point where I was

[00:07:42] like, okay, I literally cannot live like this. What do people do when they have anxiety? And I hopped on Google and they're like, okay, go to therapy. So I went to a therapist and that's when I started to gain a better understanding of what might've been going on with me and started, like my therapist gave me homework of like, Hey, why don't you keep track of what, where you are and what's the common denominators that are happening when you have these anxiety attacks? Cause that was

[00:08:11] my first concern is like, I don't understand why I'm having anxiety. Nothing in my life has changed. Like I should be fine. And I realized it was really weird. It was like in situations where I can leave, but it would be incredibly inconvenient to leave. Like after you purchased a movie ticket at a movie theater. So you're sitting down to watch a movie and you can leave, but you've already paid, right? Or you're in the car or something like that. You're going somewhere

[00:08:39] like, yeah, you can always get out of a car, but that would be weird in the middle of the road. It was, that was the common denominator in all the situations where I was having panic attacks. And then I realized how that related to my life at the time. It was like, I was with my family and I felt very responsible for helping them, but, and I could leave, I could do my own thing, but it would be incredibly selfish of me to leave, which is just how I felt. That wasn't

[00:09:05] the reality, but it was how I felt. And so I fat figured out over a long time, painfully of like, Oh, and, and I thought to myself like, wow, my brain is like literally working against me. Like, how did you come up with this bullshit? It's a weird thing for me to have to decode. But yeah, that's what I discovered. And I was like, Oh man, that makes me laugh. Like, by your own mind.

[00:09:33] Yeah. Seriously. Like, why would you do this? Like the code bullshit. I love that. I love that. I can relate to that feeling though, of like wanting so bad to just escape whatever it is that's making me anxious, but realizing like, first of all, it's not, I get super anxious in cars, like fucking, I don't know. I don't know why. And I swear the older I get the worst it gets. And we were doing a road trip from Georgia

[00:10:00] to Florida. And of course it was like right before Christmas. So like traffic is already fucked because we're in Georgia. Now we've got the holiday and just being literally stuck in traffic and wanting so bad to crawl out of my body that I wanted to be like, fuck it. I'll walk. I'm like, I cannot be in this situation anymore. And then I'm like, maybe don't get out of the car

[00:10:26] on the highway. You know? Yeah. Sometimes I do want to just like say, fuck it. Like if we want to, if I have to be tortured, like why don't I just get out of the car, like a complete psychopath and just like say, you know, I wish this was a good example to do, but unfortunately it's not, we just have to learn ways to cope and it kind of sucks. Yes. And so like, what are some of those things you do to help you cope? So that, you know,

[00:10:51] you don't do the things that like we say to ourselves in our head, like you don't tell somebody to fuck off. I mean, you want to tell them that, but it's in the back of your head. So like, how do you manage that? So I have always loved writing since I was a little girl and that has helped me in a lot of ways. I'll give you an example. I was working at this corporate office and every day I dealt with so much bullshit. I wanted to quit, but I was like, okay, I'm obviously not going to quit.

[00:11:21] So I would write my resignation letter and I would just say all kinds of things like, you know, fuck you. I hate you. You're so stupid. This is blah, blah, blah. And I would get really specific, write the whole thing. And then afterwards I would trash it at the end of the day, but all day I was adding to it as they actively pissed me off. I also like just journal now a lot more. And then the

[00:11:45] other thing that I do is just talk about it. Right. So like on my podcast, I talk about mental health things that I go through all the time, because what I have found over the years is a lot of things have happened. A lot of traumatic events that happened to me and I didn't talk about them because I felt like it was unsafe to share these things with people. I'd observed so many relationships around me where you can tell someone something because they're your friend or because they're

[00:12:11] your family member and you have a good relationship with them. But then when things go wrong, they kind of use that against you. They might throw it out in a moment of anger. And I just felt like I, I didn't want to give people that kind of ammunition against me ever. So in short, I was like, okay, I'm not going to talk about these things or maybe people won't understand them. And through bottling it up, it exacerbated the issue and caused me to deal with things like anxiety attacks, panic attacks,

[00:12:38] deep clinical depression. It was all things that I hadn't talked about. And even things that I didn't think about, because what I found was I would be thinking about something that maybe it just, you know, the thought pops up in your mind, like a pop-up on the internet. And you're just like, I don't want to think about this. That's what I would do. I'd say, I don't want to think about this. And I'll try to think about something else because everybody says you should think about, you know, positive things and why your brain would think positively. So I tried that and it

[00:13:04] fucked me over because I realized that was like, my brain was popping these things up because I needed to deal with them. I needed to process them. And then I started to have empathy for myself. So now it's like something will pop up a situation in the past. And I'll tell myself, like, I didn't deserve for that to happen to me. That was horrible. I hate the way that they made me feel in that situation. I will never allow myself to get into a situation like that again, or allow anybody to make me feel

[00:13:32] that way. I feel really sad for my younger self that I had to go through that. And that's what I tell myself. And that's how I process the thought. And then I've found over time that by doing that, those thoughts don't pop up anymore as often. So it was like, I figured out like, oh, okay. So you, I just need to address this. I need to like process and go through my feelings of sadness or

[00:14:00] anger towards the situation or whatever I have. And then I can come out the other side. And that's kind of what I do. And then, you know, I'll have a glass of wine every now and then I'll dance, I'll put on some music and I'll dance it out, go on walks and things like that. But yeah, like those are some of the things that I do to cope. Yeah. I love that. You know, when you like chuck things in the bucket bucket and like, don't deal with it, it always comes back to bite you in the ass, right? Like, oh yeah, I'll deal with this on another day. And then like something else happens

[00:14:30] and chuck it in the bucket bucket. And then it all like comes together. And when you're not dealing with it, that's when it gets really bad. And I know for myself. So, you know, when I was, when I wanted to take my life in December 2022, that's the problem is like, I didn't, number one, I didn't know how to deal with it because I didn't understand what was going on

[00:14:54] with me, nor did I know how to talk about it because I didn't have the tools. Right. And so like when I, you know, finally let everybody know what was going on, they were terrified. And so now like I got really depressed in November, everybody knows what's going on. Like I was super open with it. And I decided that if you don't like me, then I don't care. You know what? I felt better. I felt

[00:15:21] better because I actually opened up and didn't keep it all bottled up. But you know, I'm a lot older than you guys are too. You know, we were taught not to talk about it. And now that I talk about it, apparently I have a little bit of diarrhea in the mouth. So, you know, it's all good. Unfortunately, that doesn't make much of a difference in terms of age because me growing up, like, yeah, people did not talk about it. That's why I didn't really understand, you know, the depression, the anxiety. And even when I did speak up about it, finally, like, Hey,

[00:15:50] you know, this is how I'm feeling. My parents were like, yeah, maybe you just need to like relax and stop being so dramatic. And, you know, all of those things, like, yeah. So that's kind of what I got. And again, like the therapy thing, I was like the weirdo of my family. She's fucking nuts. She's crazy. Like, she's going to go to therapy to talk shit about us. Like it was that reaction. So, you know, I grew up with similar circumstances, unfortunately. And I think it's only in the

[00:16:20] recent years where people really started to understand and adapt to mental health, even though there's still a ton of stigma against it. Now I think is when people have started to kind of understand it more, but yeah, I was the first one. And now I think like me being a pioneer in my family for that, not that I ever would have wanted to be has helped some of my family members. It helped my dad be able to identify that, Oh, this is what this feeling is that I feel sometimes

[00:16:48] this anxiety and my mom be able to, they didn't give me credit for that, but you know, now she's able to say like, Oh yes, I'm feeling depressed. Whereas when I was growing up, like that is not something that they would have ever been able to identify, but through having conversations with me, even though they were like talking down to me, but hearing what I had to say, it was like, Oh, they kind of understand. And now it's mirroring something that they've been feeling. And now they have a name for it. I think it's very powerful to be able to name what you're feeling like, Oh,

[00:17:17] this is depression. Yeah, totally. And I think we have come, it's weird. Cause sometimes I think we've come far like in discussing mental health and like making it like a normal conversation to have and like that there's nothing wrong with talking about how you're feeling. And then there are other days where I'm just like, how are we so far off? Like, how are we still not in a place where we're taking it seriously? Like where, you know, being depressed and having anxiety

[00:17:44] is going to change how I'm able to show up every day or not be able to show up every day. And like, it drives me crazy that we're still sometimes struggling to prove that there's something going on in this brain. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. It's so unseen. Right. And it's so rough because it's hard for a lot of people to understand if they haven't been through it themselves. And it's hard because some people don't have a huge propensity for empathy. They just don't. They're just,

[00:18:13] you know, that's why you can see certain people and you're like, oh, they're very empathetic. And some people, those, you know, soft skills are very low or non-existent. And so they just can't understand unless they had gone through it themselves. And I think that's where a lot of the stigma come from. And also because feeling depressed and feeling anxious is so, it's such a broad term because you can feel like temporarily depressed about a specific situation, or you can feel

[00:18:40] anxious about a presentation coming up and then, you know, that anxiety quells itself, but they don't understand that this is like a constant chronic thing, which is why it becomes a mental health problem. I think that's also a gap in understanding. And then the other side of it too, is like mental health. There's so many different illnesses that are within mental health. And a lot of them are still not widely talked about or understood because if people have to deal with you on an interpersonal level

[00:19:07] and your mental health problems, like annoy them or inconvenience them, they are, they just don't want to understand that. They feel like it's an excuse, like, you know, and it's very unfortunate. Yeah. Or they're like, well, everybody's depressed. Just I can shake it off. Yeah. What? Right. But what's really important is like podcasts, like, you know, yours and ours, right? We're out there spreading the message and trying to normalize us. But I think where the most work,

[00:19:37] we have to do is within corporations themselves, right? They, it starts from the C-suite all the way down. And we need to normalize how we can have these conversations even at work, right? And I think what happens is people just don't understand. And the more we can educate people, the better equipped they are to deal with, you know, employees that have mental health

[00:20:04] issues, right? Maybe be a little bit less of a dick. Can we be a little bit less of a dick? Can we just work on that? The issue too, I think in corporate environments, as somebody who's worked adjacent to a lot of CEOs, is that they themselves suffer from mental health issues. A lot of them have thrown themselves into, you know, working constantly, you know, the grind, as they would call it, like they throw themselves into that because they're avoiding other, they're avoiding other issues. And then they start to place

[00:20:32] their sense of self-worth with what they're able to accomplish. And so if somebody else isn't able to accomplish something, they view them as like less than because it's just now become their value system. And a lot of them, again, like they've suffered from a lot of mental health issues. So I feel like that sort of trickles down. And that is another problem that's very difficult to address, which is like people can be dealing with different kinds of mental health issues and not be

[00:20:57] able to have empathy or like understand when somebody else is dealing with something because now they don't have the tools, those tools within themselves are diminished. So when everybody at your workplace is depressed because it's toxic, now nobody has a lot of patience for each other. But I think a solution for that would probably just be to normalize having some sort of like therapist, just kind of like how you do at school. You know, you might have a school nurse,

[00:21:23] like having someone in-house counsel for just everyone at their workplace. That might be a nice solution. I know. You're like, you're saying all the things that just, I don't know why we aren't already doing this, but I mean, that's exactly what it is. It's like everybody is, when you're working in a toxic work environment, everybody to some degree is going through something similar, right? And like

[00:21:48] how we're handling it could be different. And, you know, it's hard to not think your boss is a fucking asshole because in reality, he's probably like also, you know, going through the same shit, but it's just, it sucks. And it's part of the disease, right? Like part of the disease is to reject help. Part of the disease is sometimes being a dick, you know what I mean? And to want people to

[00:22:15] get away from you. I mean, even like something like depression that does, you want to isolate, you want to get away from me. Some people it's like denial. Like, I don't want to feel like I have something wrong with me. It's a part of a lot of mental health diseases to be that way, which is like the rough part, right? It's like a virus has taken over your body and you're the host and like, it's going to stop you from getting help. Everything that depression like causes as a symptom is the opposite of what you should, you know, what you want to do to cure it, right? It wants you

[00:22:42] to stay inside, close the shades, go under your blankets, don't talk to anyone, you know, all of those things because the, at the end, the end result is your death, right? So it's just like any other physical illness, but to fight it, you have to go outside. You have to get some sunlight. You have to talk to your friends, you tell people what's going on. It's extremely difficult, but I think that's what's happening across the board is like, we don't realize in having these mental health illnesses, it's causing symptoms that make it hard for people to talk to each other or have

[00:23:12] empathy for each other, get some help. And they don't even want to admit that they need help because look at what we're saying. It's like, we grew up under the conditions of everybody telling us like, oh, you're a fucking psycho if you should be a therapist. Right. Yeah, you might as well go to a mental institution at that point. Right. Yeah. It's crazy. And I just think that like, if we equipped like, of like, are you feeling any of these feelings? Like,

[00:23:37] and then having somebody within the company that they can talk to. Yeah, they all have EAP programs, but you know, like sometimes it doesn't work. Yeah. Also like, let's not talk about like the companies that are like, Hey, yeah, we have this checklist. We have this questionnaire. You fill it out and then an AI will tell you how to feel better. Like, no, this doesn't fucking work for some

[00:24:01] people. Like I need a person. Yeah. I need a person. I need a person, like a physical person. And I'll tell you right now too, if I had gotten that at any one of my employers, like a checklist, like, Hey, are you feeling this way to get some help? I would deny, deny, I would not. I wouldn't know how they were going to use the information. There would have to be a lot of work from the top down to kind of prove and illustrate that like, they are, they champion this. They

[00:24:28] understand this. They don't want anyone to feel as if like by having this or less than there would have to be a lot of verbal work and like, you know, them talking about that as part of the company culture for somebody like me to trust that I could even put that down. And it wouldn't be used against me in the future. Like, Oh, we have to fire you. Cause like, right. If I don't feel safe, I'm for sure not going to open up and tell you about my deep, dark thoughts that happen every day.

[00:24:54] Or even if it was just a checklist that they did for themselves, they didn't do it to somebody else. Like if you check this box and you know, like what's that emotion you're feeling so that they can kind of do some dig deep into what they're going through, right. Without even talking to their manager or whatever, but giving them a tool so they can figure out kind of what's going on in their head because Google only goes so far. I'm telling you. No. Yeah. Google goes really, you know, only so far. They're always like, just call the crisis line,

[00:25:22] which I have done. I have done before. I call, I remember one day I was like, okay, I'm going to kill myself. And I'm like, let me call the suicide hotline. And I was put on like a 20 minute hold. And I was like, but it actually kind of saved my life at the same time because I thought it was hilarious. I was like, this has to be some sort of cosmic joke. I am on hold. I am on literal hold for a suicide hotline when I'm just like literally ready to just end it all.

[00:25:49] And then I started laughing and then I was like, you know what? Fuck this. This whole place is a joke. Like I can't even deal with it. So yeah. But there's so, there's a lot of resources, but there's a lot of work to be done in terms of how people think about those resources and how to better disseminate them. I once watched somebody have a full on mental breakdown. And unfortunately the only thing to do is call the cops and the cops

[00:26:19] or clue on how to deal with that. And they were like horrible the way that they went about it. They treated the person like a complete criminal. And so, yeah, I mean, even systems like that, there's just no, there should be someone else that you could call to like, you know, help a person that's going through a real crisis, but there's just not. Yeah. And help to deescalate the situation before it gets bad. Right. Because you're right. Like not all professionals are equipped with the tools to help somebody that's going through a mental health,

[00:26:48] excuse me, mental health crisis. And it sucks. And as a society, we need to do better. We just need to do better. And having these kinds of conversations and hearing other people's stories about what depression looks like for them helps because I think sometimes, you know, what one person thinks depression is if they're not, you know, if they don't meet that criteria of what they believe it to be, then they will never know, you know? Yeah. And then how do you get help differently?

[00:27:18] Right. And then how do you help yourself when you don't even know what to do? It's like the conversations I think need to keep happening and, you know, people need to keep sharing their stories and what they're going through and what worked for them and how they sought the help to to the masses. It's crazy. And it's sad all at the same time. And, you know, for me, like I didn't have a toolkit, but, you know, the day after I called 988, I was on the phone with a therapist

[00:27:48] and like, I still use those tools today, but like at the time I didn't know what was going on because they don't teach us this shit in school. Right. Did any of you learn about mental wellness or mental health in school? I know I didn't. Now, like in college, yes, I took courses specific to that just because I wanted to. But yeah, growing up K through 12, absolutely no way. Like there was

[00:28:13] no classes. There was nothing. I mean, there was just like dare, like don't do drugs. But there wasn't anything telling you like, you know, how to cope with depression. But I'm not surprised by that because again, like growing up, people didn't view it as like a real thing. It was the way that it was presented to me on television and in movies was all just saying like, psychologists are a quack and like, you know, feeling this way. It's just your means you're crazy and you should be locked up.

[00:28:40] And that was what I was seeing in the media. And that was what it seemed like everybody else also believed. So I'm not really surprised there wasn't resources, but it was, it's not good. I think that really needs to change, especially because so many, I mean, we have such an obvious issue with mental health in this country. And, you know, unfortunately students coming to school, killing themselves, killing others, like all kinds of things going on. And they're very vocal about it now. So it's,

[00:29:07] you know, there is like a really big need. Yeah. But there's so much more concern about banning books and not saying the word gay in school and shit like that. Like, you know, our kids, this next generation, they need our help, right? They need their help so that they're better equipped than we are to deal with the shit when it hits us. I mean, like they need to be able to name their emotions. Yeah. Think of how much better we would be,

[00:29:36] how much more equipped for life we would have been had this been something we were taught when we were young. So true. So true. And I will say, I think others, you know, even politically others saying that, you know, we don't need this. And like, we're concerned about banning books and things of that nature. To me, I always think about the fact that our political system is set up such that it attracts

[00:30:00] people with dark triad illnesses. It attracts people with narcissistic tendencies and with, you know, psychopathy. And so it's not really actually surprising that we're seeing a lack of empathy, right? It's not really that surprising because those types of jobs, those types of, you know, positions attract that personality and reward that personality actually. And so that's why a lot of people, you hear them saying like, yes, it's a lot of, you know, high powered individuals,

[00:30:28] whether in corporations or whether politically probably are people who skew that way. And I remember asking, you know, chat GPT, like, don't you think there should be, what do you think it would be like, or don't you think there should be like a test to, you know, kind of weed that out in terms of positions of political leadership? And chat GPT was like, I don't think that would be fair. I think, you know, psychopaths sometimes can have the ability to make decisions where it's non-emotional. And I

[00:30:56] was like, oh shit, we're fucked. Turns out it's not chat GPT. It's somebody in that position just answering your questions. Yeah, actually. Actually, I take offense. That's crazy. Yeah, I mean, fucked. We're fucked. We're all fucked, guys.

[00:31:23] Yeah, we're all, that's the conclusion. We're all fucked. This is, you know, vital season of the world. Make the best of your day. We are and we aren't, right? Because like I said, for like podcasts like ours and people that are actually really give a shit, we're out there trying to make a difference and make a change and normalize having these conversations. And people are starting to open up. I will tell you,

[00:31:47] four years ago, there weren't hardly any mental health discussions on LinkedIn or across most other social media platforms. You look today, there's a ton, there's a ton of work being done in this area. And I think it's because people want to see a shift. And that gives me a little bit of hope. Yeah, that gives me hope too. And there has been a marked shift in the last couple of years

[00:32:14] on talking about mental health. That is absolutely the truth. And it's, I see that more people are becoming psychologists and want to help as well. So we're getting more resources. There have been companies that have been created to try to help whether they're adjacent, you know, or providing therapists or adjacent to that, like, you know, headspace and things of that nature. But there are, you know, things in the market trying to address this problem. And I think that's very

[00:32:39] helpful. And I just love, I love having different resources. Like the past for me, my podcast is like a form of therapy. I don't know for you guys, but it's like a form of therapy, right? Like just talking about it. 100%. Like it's our free therapy. It really is. Because we get to learn from our guests as well. Like, or they're able to put words to feelings or thoughts, or I don't know, it helps you feel less alone. Yeah, feeling less alone. Feeling less alone. Like we just did our

[00:33:09] recorded our season nine enter. And like all the things that we learned from season nine, like it made all the stars aligned for both of us. And I'm super excited about that. I'm like my goal for 2025 is to bring joy. Aw, that is so sweet. That is my goal. Such a tender heart. Yeah, such a tender goal. It's like

[00:33:36] the pageant girl answer. I just want to bring joy. World peace. World peace. Yeah. But I know you're genuine about it. That's why it's like, oh. I'm going to give everybody a million dollars. Yeah. But like, you know, the next couple of years are going to be really hard on a lot of us. But you know, what we can do is go out and find our joy and fight for the things that we don't think are right. And that's going to help my mental health and probably not watching TV. Okay. Because

[00:34:06] yeah, definitely. Just not going to be good. Yeah. At least not that kind of TV. I will escape into the fantasy of everything. I've bought plenty of books. I've got audible downloaded so I can listen to things. I always will look out of my kitchen window and I'll see birds and that'll make me happy. There are small joys that you can embrace in life. And that's something that I've learned over time, like little things that you can really just be thankful for. And I love that too. But yeah, just talking to each

[00:34:35] other. And I think the good news too, is that when people face like a lot of opposition, a lot of like horrible things going on is usually the thing that's needed to kind of strike a match and like cause a lot of change because it feels like you have no choice, but to do something about it. And that's usually where people kind of step up to the plate because real amazing leaders, people that are quite capable of making changes, they're usually reluctant leaders, right? You usually see

[00:35:05] somebody that's such a good person, but they're like, I would never, you know, try to overtake anything because they have humility. So those, that trait isn't like the kind of trait where you'll see them stepping into positions of leadership unless people push them. And that is, that's usually the case, right? But when you need a hero, they are somehow appearing in history. So I'm kind of hopeful about things like that. Nice. I like that. Today, anyway.

[00:35:34] Hopeful to a point. Right. Hopeful to a point. Yeah. Sometimes I get really angry about my, the way that I feel hopeful sometimes. Sometimes I don't even want to feel hopeful. I'm like, why do I have so much? Like, why do I still feel some measure of hope when I just actually just want to give in to this apathy about my inability to stop, like having some small hope? But you know, but things are still positive in certain aspects of my life and I'm grateful for

[00:36:02] that. So. Yeah. I love that. Okay. Question time. Go back in time to a younger version of yourself and give yourself a bit of advice. What would you say? And how old are you when you go back in time? I am five years old when I go back in time and I would tell her to think about herself more

[00:36:29] and to also to speak up and don't allow her anonymity or not. Well, yeah, her anonymity, no, her autonomy. Sorry. I tell her not to allow her autonomy to be stripped from her piece by piece and to speak up more and to like put herself first, to live for herself. That's what I would tell her

[00:36:54] because I remember at five years old, as insane as that sounds, I had the beginnings of sadness in my life and I noticed everything around me. And I think people underestimate that children can understand and notice everything around them, even if they're not commenting on it. And it was kind of the first time where I sort of went into myself, if you will. Like I sort of,

[00:37:19] you know, caved into myself and everything became more inward. And I use fantasy to escape that. I read books all the time. I was a bookworm. I started writing and all of these things that I use for escape. But that's when I started to get in my head more and it never kind of stopped. And I stopped trusting the people around me. So I stopped speaking up. All of these sort of things started when I was five. So that's what I would go back and tell her, speak up. Don't allow your autonomy to be stripped

[00:37:48] from you and stand up for yourself and put yourself first. And I like to think that she would listen to this version of me because I'd be like, look, honey, this is what's going to fucking happen. You don't want this shit to happen, do you? No, you don't. What would you say has been the hardest lesson that you've had to learn? Ooh, the hardest lesson that I have had to learn is that

[00:38:14] no one is coming to save you. You have to save yourself. And also that on the other side of trusting people is where you can find love and you can find real relationships. And learning that has been especially difficult because I'm a person prone to not trusting others,

[00:38:42] always wanting to protect myself. And because of that, not allowing people to really know me. I'm always safeguarding the most, you know, me parts of myself and just only telling people things that I feel like, okay, I don't care if you share this with a million people. It doesn't really matter to me because I'm always concerned about protecting myself. I don't want to be hurt, but I've learned, unfortunately, if you want real love, real relationships with others, you have to trust

[00:39:07] them. And I'm still, I'm still trying to be brave enough to do that. I can relate a thousand percent, a thousand percent. You like nailed it. Cause I think I'm very similar in that I, until you just hearing you say that I didn't realize what it was. Like, I just, I feel like I don't always share the inner part of myself, but I, I saw it as like, what the hell's wrong with you?

[00:39:34] Like, why can't you do that? And I, and hearing you say that, yeah, I think to some degree, we are all protecting a bit of ourself. And I think that's exactly what stops me. I'm like, no, like I'm protecting that inner part. So not everybody else. Yeah. And it's a bad issue for me. I mean, I thought about sharing a song today that I had been listening to just as an example, I was going to share it with some of my friends. And I was like, no, they're probably not going to get it. They'll probably judge me. And then I probably will feel

[00:40:02] a way about like that. And it'll ruin the song for me. So I'm not going to share this song and nobody needs to know that I like this song because they're just not going to get it. It's something so small, but it's just like part of my system of like just distrusting people and not allowing them to know me. And it's just like, it's ridiculous actually. It's actually really ridiculous, but yeah.

[00:40:25] I get it. I get it. I totally get it. So I have a couple questions. What is your favorite word? That word is so amazing. It's so cathartic. It is like, it's the best word out there. What's your least favorite word? Ooh. Don't. Like that. No.

[00:40:53] Okay. So now what does summer do for self-love and self-care? Self-love and self-care, taking baths once a week and just going in for a soak. It has been so nice. I've got the good fortune of having a jet tub. So I get to enjoy that with some bath bombs in there. Just relax. So amazing. The other thing I do is watch my comfort shows. So I like to watch Bob's

[00:41:19] burgers or I'll watch the nanny with friend Dersher or I'll watch supernatural and I'll just lean into the comfort. Skincare is another thing that I'll do. So I will, you know, go through my 10th step skincare and just really love on myself and enjoy it. And then writing. I love writing. I love creating stories. I feel like a God that gets to create my own worlds, my own characters and get to torture them and like

[00:41:48] joy. I take it away. Give them joy. Take it away. So I do that. And then going to bookstores makes me happy. Being out in nature makes me happy. And podcasting. I like podcasting. That is something I see as a form of self-care because I get to just get a weight off my chest and get to talk to lovely people like you guys and so many others. Thank you. Thank you for being on Summer. And thank you for the very candid conversation. And I just appreciate

[00:42:18] you so much for being on the podcast. I appreciate you guys for having me. This is an amazing podcast. Please keep going and doing what you're doing because it's so lovely. I tune in all the time. So I really love this podcast. Thank you so much. I do have another question for you. How can our listeners find you and your podcast? You can find my podcast by going to sdanxious.com. That's S as in stressed, D as in depressed,

[00:42:47] anxious.com. It's got all the links to anywhere you want to listen to the show. The show is called Stress, Depressed and Anxious. And yeah, love you. Yay. Thank you so much. Hi, all. Thank you so much for listening to this episode. I'm G-Rex. And I'm Dirty Skittles. Don't forget to subscribe, rate and review this podcast. We'd love to listen to your feedback. We can't do this without you guys. It's okay to be not okay. Just make sure you're talking to someone.