Honey Badger on Healing: Letting Go & Moving Forward – Part 2

[00:00:06] Hey there, listeners. Welcome to Sht That Goes On In Our Heads, the podcast where we normalize conversations around mental health. That's right. I'm Dirty Skittles and alongside my amazing co-host, G-Rex, we are here to share stories and tips from our incredible guests. Each episode, we deep dive into struggles and triumphs of mental health, offering practical advice and heartfelt support. Because no one should feel alone in their journey. Join us as we break the stigma and build a community of understanding and compassion.

[00:00:35] So tune in and let's start talking about the shit that goes on in our heads. And then I just had a feeling like that he was in the ICU, he had surgery, then they tried to do some things with his heart because his heart was had, he was in E-fib and they couldn't get him out of E-fib.

[00:00:57] And then he had some blockages in his arteries and they were going to try to do open heart surgery and then all the conversations just stopped. The doctors weren't talking to me. I couldn't figure out what was going on. I couldn't chase him down when I was down there in the ICU. They're all so busy. I would page, I would ask the nurses to page, they wouldn't come. I just didn't, I, you know, I was kind of at a loss, like, I don't know what's going on here.

[00:01:26] So that one time I went to visit him like the next day and he was in a step down ICU. And I have to say that was like, you walk into this ICU unit, what they call is a step down. And I am not a medical professional and I am not a hospital staff. So I can't speak to the general purposes of all of these and the good that they do and the purpose of all of them.

[00:01:55] But when I walked into this step down ICU, I knew immediately that he was not doing well. And they were doing everything that they could with all these CT scans and all these things as kidneys started to shut down. But I'm watching because it's all open. And that felt so invasive for, I felt like very empathetic about the people who are patients there. Because you have these strangers walking through just staring at you. And I'm trying not to look, but you know, you're a little curious about what's going on.

[00:02:23] And there were people who were completely orange. There were really sick people there. And I, when I went in to see my husband, he had like very little room to even sit. There was no way it was not comfortable for a person coming to visit our comfort to be there. And that felt very unsettling. So you'd spend a few minutes and you'd have a conversation and he just had started refusing to eat.

[00:02:52] He just didn't want to eat any longer. So I knew at that point that was very tough. That he was giving up and that he was not doing well. And I know him. I knew him. He did not ever want to be in a hospital. He did not ever want to really go to the doctor. But that must have been very traumatic for him. And I just, my heart went out for him because I felt so bad. I had no control over it. Right?

[00:03:17] So when I got a call on that Sunday, it was at nine o'clock at night. And the phone rang and it was from the hospital. And I was like, oh, this can't be good because they don't call me with any good news at all or what's going on. And I called, they never called back. I answered the phone and all I heard were like alarms going off and people talking muffled. And I'm like, hello. And I'm like yelling it if I felt like a doctor dialed me or something, you know, like, hello.

[00:03:47] And I'm like, okay, I'm going to hang up. And I called the hospital and nobody would answer the phone in that unit. So they called back and it was the same thing. It was just alarms and muffled people. And it was like, it was, I knew something was happening. I felt like he was having a heart attack. And finally we were, a doctor called me around 930 and said, yes, he in fact was in cardiac arrest and they were working on him. And what do you want us to do?

[00:04:16] And I'm thinking to myself, hey, you're the doctor. What do you have? I don't know what to say. Don't hurt him. Don't hurt him. I don't want him to be hurt. And I know that chest compressions are not a good thing for, I mean, it's, there's a lot of damage that can happen during CPR. So, and I said, do you need me to be there? And there, and I felt like there was like, of course we need you to be here. This is your husband. Why are you not here? Well, you know, I'm at least two hours away.

[00:04:46] Considering I, you know, those just the coordination of getting down there. It was quite a drive. Of course he had passed when I had gotten there. Um, and it was, I just think the medical industry, I know they're busy. I know that they're heroes in a lot of different ways, but there is also a lot of questions that we can ask of medical professionals. Like when I, nobody, when I walked onto the floor, there were no people and there were no like nurses. There was nobody there.

[00:05:14] So I went right to his room and I said my goodbyes. And I just remember looking over to the, I want to call it a stall, but the next bed over. And there was this woman laying there just with her wide eyes. And I felt so awful for her because I know she had to experience all of that happening. And man, I wouldn't want to be there where that was all going on. So I felt like this connection that I felt like I wanted to say, honey, are you okay? I can't call myself, sorry.

[00:05:43] But I'm in shock at this point, really, honestly, I am just like into this place of like, my brain can't comprehend. I know what happened, but my brain does not want to even fathom what is going on here. And then this nurse came over and said, oh, do you want us to donate his organs? And me being in shock, I'm just like, yeah, sure. Because he was a donor on his license.

[00:06:08] But after like five, 10 minutes, another nurse walked over and said, she shook her head like, no, this is not happening. He's, well, in fact, he'd been dead for two hours and he was not put on life support or anything to keep those organs or anything that was usable alive. So I'm like, oh my God, I can't believe they're even asking this, right?

[00:06:31] So, I mean, there was such a horrible experience for me, honestly, of having a hospital call you and there's nobody there. And all you're doing is listening to alarms and there's nobody explaining what's happening. That was a lot to take. And I remember feeling so angry about that and talking to the charge nurse. And the charge nurse said, the first thing she said was, how do you know that was his alarm?

[00:06:57] Well, I'm pretty sure since he was having a heart attack that he was hooked up to these machines and the alarms were going off and everybody else is there still and doing okay. So, sorry, that was an assumption. I mean, wow. Did they acknowledge that they called? That part of it is like, I don't know what happened. I don't know what happened. And there was no like, I'm sorry. Or it felt like, I don't know if it was an auto dial.

[00:07:25] I mean, maybe it was a system that they had set up and I didn't know about. Like, there was no communication. Like, if you get a call and you hear alarms, you need a gum. I don't know. I mean, I really don't. That felt so disingenuous. And actually, it was really quite the clusterfuck. And how you were to my brain when you were saying that? I don't know if this is inappropriate to say. So, I apologize ahead of time if it was. But for me, when you said that, I immediately thought that he was calling you. Oh, interesting.

[00:07:55] Well, it's interesting that you say that, right? Because I wasn't going to go here. I wasn't going to have these conversations with this piece in our life that happened. But now that you say that, earlier that year, I think it was in April, we have a phone in the house and we have a phone in the garage and the two have an intercom together. And the intercom, you have to dial a code and then push enter, right?

[00:08:25] To get to the house or the house to the garage. And in the middle of the night, like at two o'clock in the morning, the intercom went off. And I'm sound asleep. And I'm like hitting him, like get the phone and he gets it. And all we hear on the other end is like, you know, some really weird, like, sounds like the old AOL dial up, you know, kind of a weird sound. And I, and he hung it up and he went back right to sleep.

[00:08:54] And I'm thinking, wow, that is really strange. And I fell back to sleep and I had a conversation with him about it the next morning. And he's like, yeah, I don't know. And he goes, everything's fine. Everything's hung up. There's nothing that's amiss out in the garage. I said, well, I think that's a little bit weird. And then I forgot about it. And it happened again. It happened probably about a month later. This and the saying right in the middle of the night. And then I was like trying to answer the phone, but he beat me to it.

[00:09:23] And the same sound was coming over. And I said, that is really weird. That, that is just really weird. How can that happen? How can we get an intercom call from the garage that is coded, that somebody just can't just do it like there's, you know, a dog didn't do it. A cat didn't do it. They didn't knock something over. So yeah, that's kind of weird. I say next time it happens. It hasn't happened since. Just have a little conversation.

[00:09:53] I always, yeah, I could definitely have the conversation. But in some sense, I'm feeling like, well, maybe that was his brother who had passed away. So trying to, I don't know, it was somebody, it was something. I really believe in these things. Like there is some energy, there is something there trying to reach out, a warning, something. But it was such a crazy time in my life with dealing with my mom and then dealing with my sister and then dealing with my home stuff.

[00:10:22] That, you know, you just learn to roll with it. It's like you stop, drop and roll. Okay, this happened. Okay, get up, shake yourself off and keep moving. But the thing about that profound grief, it's not just like, okay, I lost my mom. I lost my dad. Yeah, it just impacted me in such a really deep and very difficult way. And I think that people don't know how, like me, I didn't know how to articulate that.

[00:10:52] I didn't know how to, like, yeah, I'm really struggling here. What do I do? So what do I do? Like, I went to work a week later. I just felt like I needed to be busy. I needed to keep my brain away from thinking about the reality that I lost my best friend, two best friends, really. And it's like seven weeks apart. And I, it was just a lot. It was just a lot. And it was a lot because he didn't take care of anything, right? He didn't have a will.

[00:11:21] He didn't have all the paperwork that I've been asking him to do. And I kind of blame myself that I didn't push it further or like just hand it to him. But I had a thing, right? Like, I am not your mother. I am not going to do this for you. You need to do this. And kind of bit me in the ass. But it was really difficult. He was kind of a stubborn human being. He was absolutely wonderful in a lot of ways. But he was really stubborn. But then nobody tells you.

[00:11:51] Like, when you have this profound loss, that things are different. Like, everything is different. You think about everything differently. And then the early days, tying back to the ACEs, it's like those health risks. And reading about that, because I like to be able to read about, like, what does it mean when to your body, when you're experiencing these things.

[00:12:15] And I ran across some information that I thought was fascinating with this research that implies that when you have deep grief, it's almost or similar to a traumatic brain injury. Because your neurons, who are so used to those pathways and the memories and those day-to-day activities with things that you're familiar with, actually, like, are cut off.

[00:12:45] That they're those, you know, it's, you're not building that anymore. You're not having that anymore. That's gone. And your brain actually works on building new pathways for new experiences. And that is exhausting to your body. That is, like, it works so hard that I remember all I wanted to do for, I don't know, months is just, like, go to work, come home, go to bed. Go to work, come home, go to bed.

[00:13:12] And I think that if it wasn't for my grandson and some friends, I don't know where I would be right now, honestly, because he's the one that made sure that I was eating something. And honest to God, I didn't want to cook. I didn't want to do anything. All I wanted to do is do the very basic of what I needed to exist. And the dynamics of friends is interesting.

[00:13:40] And it's almost like another loss on top of loss because your family that you've known for decades with his side of the family, it feels like now they're not there anymore. And that was, like, the shocking part for me. Like, oh, my gosh. I mean, I know they would talk to me if I reached out or if they reached out, I would do to them. But there was, it felt like there was a drastic reduction of connection.

[00:14:10] And your friends who you think are friends, dramatic decrease of communication or if not an old, if not a complete walkaway because they don't, I don't know. I don't know what's going on with them. All I know is that I was accused of being too negative. And I'm thinking, bitch, I'm grieving. I am sorry if I'm negative. I really don't mean to be negative. And I know that I'm down. I'm just trying to figure all this out.

[00:14:39] And not to walk away from people that you know who are in deep grief. Because I think even, let me go back a little bit. My father, he had this friend. And he was an amazing human being. He is still an amazing human being. And after there was a suicide in the family, he would go visit my dad every day. And it wasn't that they had to have a conversation. It wasn't that they, he was making sure that he ate.

[00:15:08] Although I'm sure he came and he dropped off a dozen eggs or, but he would sit most importantly. He would just sit with my father. And my father was kind of grumpy. Why are you here? Because I remember him saying it to me when he was ill. And Fred would just say, I'm just going to sit here. And he would just be that constant for him. And I thought that was so touching. Like we, people who are grieving, don't need a lot of communication. We don't need a lot of conversation.

[00:15:37] We don't need you to fix anything. We just need somebody to hold our hands. And make sure that we're okay. And that everybody needs to take care of themselves, right? But if you're a human being, there's birth, there's life, and there's death. And we all face death. And if there is any way that you can possibly connect with somebody who is really struggling by just being present, by just holding their hand.

[00:16:06] And I think I really struggled. And I'm telling you, I think I cried in my car was my safe space. And I think I cried in my car every day for like two years. And I think that saving grace for me was that I really have to get, I really have to have an outlet for all of this. So I would take my recorder on my phone and I would just talk on my way home. And on my way to work, I would just talk about stuff, like what I was thinking, what I was feeling. And that really helped. That really super helped.

[00:16:35] The other thing that really helped me was like, okay, I'm just going to start writing. So I would write and I do poetry and I do this. And that was just such a relief. It was a release to get it out. And do the things like one day at a time. Like if you were experiencing deep loss, it's everything you can do in the morning to even wake up. And I think coffee is and will be my constant. Yeah, do not take away my coffee.

[00:17:05] I mean, you can take away a lot of things for me. Yeah, I have to have my coffee in the morning or I am just, I am miserable. So coffee was my thing. And that was actually our thing too. My husband and my thing. We would have coffee together every morning. We would definitely talk about politics and talk about the day, what we each needed to do. So that was our connection time is having coffee in the morning.

[00:17:38] It took me a long time to figure out things. And I just recently, it's interesting, listened to some of the things that I was recording. And it was really hard for me to listen to because I talk and talk. And then I'm like trying to get out this point about how I feel about a particular thing or person. And I would just branch off to something else to talk about. And I'm like, I am telling myself right now, I need to stay focused.

[00:18:05] I need to commit and I need to follow through to talk about this thing. Because that's what I do, I guess. I just get off on these divergence. And that's okay to be the anxiety about that too. Is this, there's a little bit of ADHD in there. It happens to all of us as we get older. Yeah, yeah. And the squirrels. Yeah, we were talking about the squirrels in your head. You know, a thousand million things going on at the same time. And you're just trying to tame the squirrels. So, but I think finding that thing for yourself to do,

[00:18:33] to get yourself through that every day. And it's just executive dysfunction, right? You're just like, oh, talk, yell at yourself to do the thing that you need to do to get done that day. And if you do that, even if you get up and you go to the bathroom and you take a shower, you're doing good today, right? Yeah. So allow yourself that to happen. Patience and grace. Patience and grace.

[00:18:59] I, I, because I went, so my mom passed away in 97, right? I was young. I was in my late thirties, early forties. I, it took me five, five years before I could really acknowledge that my mom was gone. I mean, thank God for my wife, but you know, you're, you're right. Grief sucks.

[00:19:26] And like, if you don't manage it correctly, it will come back to bite you in the ass. And it's the worst time in your life. Yeah. Yeah. It will raise its ugly head for real. And again, Oh, sorry. Go ahead. No, I was just going to say, and going back to the ACEs score for me, I mean, eight out of the 10,

[00:19:52] there's a lot of unresolved issues for me that happened when I was growing up and to be vulnerable here, sexually assaulted when I was 11, right? When I was 18, all these things come back at you. And then you're just like, you're getting into this negative tone of like freezing up or I'm not worth it or over trying or cheat. You're just trying to make it in this world.

[00:20:17] And how those situations affect how you behave to other adults moving through life as well, like the trust and all that. So when you're in this deep grief and you think you have this circle of friends that you will always have this circle of friends, that may not be true. So be prepared that that will evolve and hopefully it'll evolve into something different and not what you need.

[00:20:46] And then just be prepared for change all around. Yeah. I was going to say, I've heard somebody compare like going through grief, like you're sitting on the beach and the water comes up and then it goes back down and then you're fine. And then it comes back up and then it goes back down. And I don't know, I was like, yeah, that's a good metaphor, at least for me. Yeah, it just, it never goes away.

[00:21:11] And you might have good days and then there will be a memory or a thing, person, place or thing that triggers something for you. And then you're going to be a wreck all over again. So just as you were saying, give yourself grace and allowing to be human and to maneuver through this relearning and reinventing yourself moving forward.

[00:21:34] And I think too, is find that joy, find that one thing or a couple things that really bring you happiness in your life that you like to do, want to do. If it's traveling, if it's writing, if it's just, if you can hang on to something or do something to look forward to every day, I think that's really helpful. That's really useful. I love this.

[00:22:02] So I have a question. I have a couple as a matter of fact. What do you do today with everything you've been through over the last couple of years for self-love and self-care? The person who is a people pleaser, that's a really hard question for me because I want to make sure that everybody's okay that's around me, right? You know, to do the things, even in work, you know, do the things.

[00:22:30] I think the biggest impact that I've learned in recently is boundaries, self-care. Boundaries are like the penicillin of illness, of like emotional dysfunction with people that are around you. And stick to it. It's really hard for people who are not used to boundaries to set boundaries, meaning that I have no issues setting boundaries. The battle is really holding them strong.

[00:23:00] And the battle is watching the implosion from the other side. They melt down. They do this or they try to manipulate through the boundary somehow. And you're just like, it's like being a parent with a child, right? Nope, this is what we're going to do. This is our routine. This is, I am going to hold this boundary tight because that's where I need to be. And the other part of that is, it's this letting go of not giving a fuck. Like, right?

[00:23:30] It's like... Sounds like somebody else I know. Like, wow. Yeah, you're really having a hard time. Yeah, okay. I'm sorry. If you're on fire, I will come and help you. I will. I will not let you burn. But if I don't want to do something, I am not going to do it. I am absolutely. And for 60 plus years, I've been, yep, I'll do it. Even like, oh my God, I have to go do that. Yes, I'll go do it. Yeah, bye.

[00:23:59] So that's that people pleasing that I've had as a coping mechanism. So I think that feels fantastic. The boundaries too, for real. I was going to say, I was talking to somebody who I thought it was so funny. They were like, my boundary is not a speed bump or roadblock. They were like, there is no alternate route to get to that other side. This is it. This is the boundary. You can't pass it. And I was like, well, Grisby trying, you know? Yeah, that's true. They try to manipulate through that boundary.

[00:24:26] Like, oh, let's bargain this. No, there's no bargaining. This is done. But to say also that you can change that too. Like if you're at a place that you feel like, okay, I can move in that direction again and trust that for yourself. But again, if it doesn't feel good and if it's toxic, you can definitely set that boundary back again and put it in place. So I think that has been my saving grace. And when my, because I have had a lot, it's unfortunate.

[00:24:55] I've had a lot of sick people in my family since 2015. And the real bitch about that, right? Is I remember, ooh, I'm feeling good. I'm driving home from work and the sun is shining. And how lucky I am as a person who is this old. And we've not had any family issues with any kind of illness. And oh my God, it's like the Pandora's box opened up. And like all these people, all of a sudden we're just really sick and not doing well.

[00:25:23] And just trying to maneuver that through family dynamics was really the hardest thing. And that's with, I am not a licensed therapist, so I cannot diagnose people officially. But I feel like there was probably some personality disorder, narcissistic stuff going on. And that is really difficult to deal with because nothing makes sense when you're trying to have a conversation or work through things. There's so much control. There's so much crazy making.

[00:25:52] That gray rock, that was the biggest thing too. Like when you're reading about all this stuff, like that's what I do. I'm like, I think this is it. And you just start reading all about it. So I think again, that gray rocking is that boundary. So I have not spoken with them since. Boundaries are fucking awesome. They are awesome. And once you can set them and state and stick with it, it's absolutely freeing. Yeah, it's freeing. And it's golden.

[00:26:22] It's like you're eating an apple a day. You're like, woohoo, this feels so fantastic. Because there's some crazy stories that you have with, you know, families have crazy stories. Like my mother's calling hours were really insane. Do I even dare tell the story? Awesome. Now we have another question. Are you ready? Yeah. Okay. What is your favorite word? It could be a dirty word.

[00:26:51] My favorite word. Yeah, it's gotta be like the Pirates of Penn's answer. It's fuck. Yeah, it is. I say that all the time. I even say it in front of work people. And I'm like, yeah, fuck. Nope. Fuck that. Fuck this. Fuck you. I really don't say thank you. I know you want to though. I really do. And so like, what's your least favorite word? Is it a word or phrase? It can be a phrase.

[00:27:21] I can't. Man, you're the second person. I can't. I can't do that. Well, why can't you do that? Right? I don't like hearing no for an answer in my professional life, especially. Like, I'm a dreamer. I think there's this thing that we figured out if we're north or west or east or whatever and the personalities in our work, how that affects our work. So I discovered that I am a dreamer.

[00:27:49] I am a one that thinks we can and why can't we and tries to think around and through something that we want to accomplish. And there's people who are grounded, you know, that, you know, they're pragmatic and they're practical and they're mathematicians and boring, boring, boring, realists. Realists. So I found that I am, I love to dream.

[00:28:12] I love to have a situation or a puzzle or a problem and think above and beyond on how to reach the goals of whatever that issue is that we need to resolve. So I love that about myself. So being hopeful all the time. I love that. And especially, and it's not so self-centered for me. And so it's really hard for me to talk about being in general because my training all my life is about we and how are we, you know, it's not self-centered.

[00:28:40] So when I'm talking about me, I feel a little bit self-centered, but I think these stories are really super important to understand and have the materials and the support and their resources if you're really struggling, especially, and death is so traumatic. I mean, my granddaughter and my grandson's father passed away at that same time, my sister and my husband did too. So there was a triple trifecta there with all within, like, I think my granddaughter,

[00:29:10] his father died like two weeks before my husband did. So we were all in crisis at that point. And we were all losing our minds, to be honest. And I just remember, like, I didn't want to eat. I didn't, I mean, it was painful for me to think about to even eat. And I wanted, what did I do? I don't even know what I did really, other than go to work. And people were like, why are you here? I'm like, well, you know, I don't want to be home. That's it. I need to maintain.

[00:29:38] I need to have my routine. I need to have what's familiar. I need to do what I need to do. And I think that it's really hard. And I, my coworker's husband recently passed away and they were together since they were in high school. And my heart just broke for her because I know how hard it is. I know how the struggles that she's going to face. And others like her, like when you lose a partner or a husband, wife, so suddenly how very difficult that can be.

[00:30:09] And at first I felt really kind of lost and then a little bit lonely. And then I had to send my grandson to the school. And that felt like, oh my gosh, now it's me and the dogs. What do we do? I love them. And I was like, yeah, I don't even know. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with this, all this. I just don't know what I can do. But now I'm like, I love being alone. I love my dogs. I love going home and spending time with those little jerks.

[00:30:38] I think that they, I really truly believe that you have something in your life for a reason. That there's something about your learning. There's something about your journey. There's a lesson there somehow. Because I have a dog who's really stubborn. And sometimes I get really mad at him because he's so stubborn. But I think he's there to help me. Honestly, I feel like he is a lesson for me. And we're going to have this relationship.

[00:31:06] And we're going to do this. And we're going to be okay. So I think that's a really good thing. Because I like dogs. And I like cats. But I like being alone. Because as much as I love being at work. And I love working with the people that I work with. I mean, I really do love my job. So I'm an introvert. So I've had it by the end of the day. And all I want to do is go home and just cocoon up. And like make a quick something to eat. And just go to bed.

[00:31:34] You're the second Leo that I know that is an introvert. Like what the hell is wrong with you people? We are Leo. We are supposed to be. We know when to shine. Okay. We want to hide in our cocoon. I totally get it. I want my book. I want darkness. Yeah. Yeah. I have a driving app that talks to me. Which I absolutely love.

[00:32:03] And it's set to Leo. So it talks in the Leo talking voice. Like it's your time to shine, Leo. Really? Let's go. Nobody's ever driven that well before. That's hilarious. It cracks me up. And I was with somebody in the car when that was on. And the person was going to overdrive their turn. So really suddenly turned on the brakes and took a left-hand turn.

[00:32:31] And it said, whoa, way to go, Leo driving school. It was just funny though. I knew that right. And I never thought I would need this artificial intelligence in my life. But that's kind of the funny part for me too. It's like I get home and I get the TV, whatever I'm going to watch on. And I'll talk to the TV. Like, okay, Alexa, what time is it? It'll tell me the time. Oh, what's the weather going to be tomorrow? Alexa. And she'll tell me what the weather's going to be. And I'll say, thank you.

[00:33:01] And she goes, you're more than what? I'm like, okay. This is not a real person. I'm having a conversation with artificial intelligence. I don't know how to feel about that. I'm an organic gal. I like the beach and the woods and stuff like that. But there's this thing now in my house that talks to me if I talk to it, which is really quite bizarre. All right. I have two questions for you. First question. If you can go back in time to give yourself some advice, what would you tell yourself?

[00:33:31] And how old are you? I would probably go back to when I was 11. Okay. And I would tell my 11-year-old self that if the adults in your life are not listening to you, you need to make them listen. Go find somebody who will listen. Because I think going back then, I'm thinking about the time that I was sexually assaulted and abused,

[00:34:01] that I told adults. I told the family. I told this person. And they, oh, now, talking to the perpetrator, you can't do that. Like, what? Assault is assault. And adults not listening to children irked me. I mean, it will, like, it's just that red flag. And that will make my rage happen. Because I think all children need to be listened to.

[00:34:31] And believed. You know? And that, oh, this society today. And unfortunately, again, I go down those rabbit holes and I start looking at information online about who in our area is, well, in Tompkins, you know, that, that, in our area, yeah, that, who has been arrested for sexual assault, rape, and crimes against children.

[00:34:58] And I think one of the things I am absolutely astounded by is the lack of punishment that these men face. And sometimes women, but not often. It's, the stories are heartbreaking. The, and it's like, okay, well, this person did this to two siblings under the age of 10 and only received, like, nine months sentence. Our laws are archaic and dangerous to children.

[00:35:28] And it just, that really irks me. And there's so many things that we could be fighting right now. That's one of the things that the battlefront, I don't know how to fix, right? That's, I am not, I'm not a lawyer. I didn't even play one on TV. I took a law class one time, South Chapel Hill. And it was environmental law because I'm very interested in the environment. And I learned that, wow, I would not be a good lawyer. I'm glad I had the experience.

[00:35:57] Because it's all arguing and who can argue the best. And I am fact-driven. If you're presented with facts, it just makes sense that you should do X, Y, and Z. That it's not ethical to do A, B, or C. So I know that I would not make a good lawyer. But I was, again, thankful for the experience. I don't know. I just feel like there's so much work to be done, especially when it comes to protecting children. That it's very overwhelming.

[00:36:27] But I'm very determined, so. Last question. What would you say the hardest lesson you've had to learn to date has been? The hardest lesson is, I think, that you cannot count on others. Really. You cannot put hope to expectation that you may want something to happen a certain way.

[00:36:55] But the only way it may happen is that you have the grit and the determination to make it happen yourself. So it's your choices. It's not anybody else's choice. You can't always count on people who will do the right thing for you. So, and you know what's best for yourself. And listen to yourself. Thank you. I love this.

[00:37:25] Thank you for doing this. Thank you for being a guest and being vulnerable. Man, being vulnerable is never my best suit. Because I always feel like I'm kind of this Scots-German stoic. Don't share your story. Nobody wants to know your story. And then just like, you know what? It's time to share the stories. Because I think that the more we tell our stories, the more we can learn from each other. For sure.

[00:37:55] Thank you. Hi, all. Thank you so much for listening to this episode. I'm G-Rex. And I'm Dirty Skittles. Don't forget to subscribe, rate, and review this podcast. We'd love to listen to your feedback. We can't do this without you guys. It's okay to be not okay. Just make sure you're talking to someone.