Healing Isn’t Linear: Lessons from Wil’s Mental Health Journey

[00:00:06] Hey there, listeners. Welcome to Shit That Goes Under Our Heads, the podcast where we normalize conversations around mental health.

[00:00:13] That's right. I'm Dirty Skittles and alongside my amazing co-host, G-Rex, we are here to share stories and tips from our incredible guests.

[00:00:21] Each episode, we deep dive into struggles and triumphs of mental health, offering practical advice and heartfelt support.

[00:00:28] Because no one should feel alone in their journey. Join us as we break the stigma and build a community of understanding and compassion.

[00:00:35] Tune in and let's start talking about the shit that goes on in our heads.

[00:00:45] Two, one. Welcome back to another episode of Shit That Goes On Our Heads.

[00:00:50] Today I'm here with my amazing co-host and we have an awesome guest. Her name is Will. Welcome, Will.

[00:00:56] Welcome, Will.

[00:00:57] Thank you both so much for having me.

[00:01:00] I cannot wait to hear what you've got for us today. I mean, looking at the notes just now,

[00:01:04] we saw a little sneak peek about a discussion on a healing journey and want to recognize you need to heal.

[00:01:11] Where did that begin for you?

[00:01:13] That began for me a few years ago when I realized I had lost my resilience and I lost my sense of time, literally.

[00:01:25] Oh, wow.

[00:01:27] Like, it was like, did I brush my teeth? I probably should because I really can't remember.

[00:01:34] Ugh.

[00:01:35] And then I went to, thank goodness it was a drive-through for lunch.

[00:01:40] And I came back and, you know, it was the height of COVID, 2020.

[00:01:46] I'm FaceTiming with my sister-in-law and she's like, and she's made a joke because she knows like it was just pajama time for me.

[00:01:52] But I would go outside, I would get dressed.

[00:01:54] And she's like, oh, please tell me you didn't go in your pajamas.

[00:01:57] And I said, I would never.

[00:01:58] And I looked down and I was like, horrified.

[00:02:01] Thank goodness I didn't get out the car.

[00:02:02] I didn't realize that I had my pajamas on.

[00:02:05] Christmas pajamas, right?

[00:02:06] And it was nowhere near Christmas.

[00:02:08] I was like, I said, I need help.

[00:02:12] I didn't know what was wrong with me, but I knew I needed help because I did not know what I was wearing.

[00:02:22] I didn't remember if I did something that I do every day at the same time when I wake up, brushing my teeth.

[00:02:28] And then I also noticed like I was getting, I don't want to say angry, but I was definitely more sensitive to things in the way that I felt like I could blow up in a reaction.

[00:02:41] And instead of doing that, I would just isolate myself to prevent from seeing something that was irrevocable.

[00:02:48] But then also I realized in doing that, I was internalizing it and making it worse for me.

[00:02:53] Right.

[00:02:53] And so everything was just so heavy.

[00:02:57] And.

[00:02:59] I said, I need help.

[00:03:00] And I was like, well, what do I do?

[00:03:03] So I called my doctor's office.

[00:03:05] They like he can't see you.

[00:03:06] So he has to.

[00:03:07] And I said, I'll be there in an hour.

[00:03:11] I know they're like, this lady's crazy.

[00:03:13] And again, like.

[00:03:14] Didn't realize what I had on.

[00:03:16] But I guess it kind of worked in my favor.

[00:03:19] Because I hopped in my car, I grabbed my Dooney and Burke and I grabbed my designer shades and I hopped in my car and I walked in.

[00:03:26] I'm like, I'm you know, I'm well, I'm here to see the doctor.

[00:03:29] And they were just like, oh, OK.

[00:03:32] And I'm like, why is everyone all of a sudden just so good with me seeing the doctor?

[00:03:35] And they're like, you can wait right here.

[00:03:37] And they put me in the regular exam room and he walks in.

[00:03:42] He goes, oh, well.

[00:03:44] Miss Watson, is that you?

[00:03:45] And I'm like, yeah.

[00:03:46] Yeah.

[00:03:47] And then I just start balling.

[00:03:49] And then when I'm balling, of course, I'm looking down.

[00:03:53] I've got on flip flops, a different pair of pajama pants, a rainbow shirt from a charity event that I had done.

[00:04:04] So it had every color of the rainbow.

[00:04:05] And I had on like this long gray cardigan.

[00:04:09] And I had my designer bag and I was like, and then horrified.

[00:04:15] I was like, no wonder they let me in.

[00:04:18] Balling.

[00:04:19] He goes, are you OK?

[00:04:21] And I was like, no.

[00:04:23] Balling.

[00:04:24] But he didn't take your time.

[00:04:26] I'm sorry.

[00:04:27] I'm laughing now because I can picture it.

[00:04:30] But I was like, if I got out of my car before the doctor's office, somebody could have just, oh, no, she, somebody grab her.

[00:04:36] Take her away.

[00:04:37] This doesn't look good.

[00:04:39] So he's like, when I finally stopped crying and balling.

[00:04:43] He's like, what's wrong?

[00:04:44] I said, I don't know.

[00:04:45] I said, I'm not myself.

[00:04:47] I was like, look at me.

[00:04:49] And he said, you're not the only one.

[00:04:53] And he said, I have been seeing you for years and this is not you.

[00:04:57] So we're going to get you to where you need to be.

[00:04:59] Tell me what's going on.

[00:05:02] And I told him what was going on.

[00:05:04] And he goes, you know, I'll give you this prescription for now.

[00:05:08] It's very safe.

[00:05:09] I'll give you this other prescription.

[00:05:12] You know, it wasn't just let me write you a prescription.

[00:05:14] He was like, here's a list of places you can reach out to to get help.

[00:05:18] And, you know, until you like level out, he's like, it's not going to take long.

[00:05:23] We're going to get you back.

[00:05:23] He said, I know who you are and I know what you're capable of.

[00:05:27] He goes, and I'm looking at you and this is not you.

[00:05:29] And he said, I want you to know you're not the only one.

[00:05:33] He said, my office has been packed with people.

[00:05:36] He's like, I have a patient who came in because he realized he was drinking too much.

[00:05:42] But he also realized he couldn't go to sleep unless he had a drink.

[00:05:46] And he said, you.

[00:05:49] We're going to get you where we need to get you.

[00:05:51] And that's what started my healing journey, really.

[00:05:54] And I will say it was like amazing because I'm part Latino, part African-American.

[00:06:02] We don't go to doctors.

[00:06:04] We don't take prescriptions.

[00:06:05] You pray or you suck it up.

[00:06:08] Yeah.

[00:06:09] Right?

[00:06:09] Yeah.

[00:06:10] That's what you do.

[00:06:10] You pray or you suck it up.

[00:06:11] Nothing wrong with you.

[00:06:12] You got to do what you got to do.

[00:06:15] And I just knew I was like, I just knew I wasn't me.

[00:06:19] And I was so hesitant about the medication and I held on to the prescription.

[00:06:24] Things weren't getting better.

[00:06:25] The doctor did write me out for a leave of absence for my mental health, just so I could

[00:06:30] get back.

[00:06:31] And I started the medication.

[00:06:34] And I do remember there was just so much going on at once and everything was just coming

[00:06:39] to me and it wasn't anything that was really heavy.

[00:06:42] It was just like, it felt heavy because, you know, I don't know how I'm wearing.

[00:06:48] I don't know how to dress in clothes that match.

[00:06:50] That's not pajamas.

[00:06:52] So how can I handle the basic every day today?

[00:06:55] Right?

[00:06:55] I will say that I, the first three weeks I slept, I literally slept.

[00:07:03] Right?

[00:07:03] So I slept, I only got up to walk my pup and feed him.

[00:07:08] And it was so crazy because people were calling me and I didn't answer because I just couldn't.

[00:07:13] I didn't have the strength to speak because what was I going to say?

[00:07:17] I was just going to start bawling for no reason.

[00:07:19] Right.

[00:07:19] And so I was like, okay.

[00:07:23] And people were like, oh, but I haven't heard from you.

[00:07:25] So finally, you know, after I woke up after three weeks, I go back to the doctor.

[00:07:29] He's like, how's the medication?

[00:07:31] Do you need more time off?

[00:07:32] I said, honestly, I do need more time off.

[00:07:33] I said, because the first two, two and a half, three weeks I slept.

[00:07:39] All I did was sleep.

[00:07:40] I said, so now I need to build a routine.

[00:07:42] Right?

[00:07:43] I said, I need that time to build a routine so that I know what I'm doing when I go back

[00:07:47] to other people.

[00:07:48] And he said, I wholeheartedly agree with that.

[00:07:50] And then the next couple of weeks I spent in a routine getting myself up, getting myself

[00:07:54] outside, getting myself in the sun, walking, reassociating again.

[00:08:00] And so everything just went great.

[00:08:02] But this is something that I learned.

[00:08:06] And I hope that you take this with you.

[00:08:08] Skittles.

[00:08:10] This is the gem.

[00:08:11] Healing is not linear.

[00:08:13] Right.

[00:08:14] It's not linear.

[00:08:16] So while I got to this point of I'm myself again, guess what we don't realize?

[00:08:22] We don't realize what were those triggers that piled up, that caused us to be in a place

[00:08:27] that we ended up where we said we needed help.

[00:08:29] Right?

[00:08:30] And it's a lot of things and it can come out of nowhere.

[00:08:33] It's like one of those things you could hear a song.

[00:08:35] Somebody could say somebody's name.

[00:08:38] You know, that could just be a situation that you watch on TV.

[00:08:41] I used to love watching.

[00:08:43] This is us.

[00:08:44] But because it started to cause like, you know, it caused tears every episode.

[00:08:49] And a lot of times it was good tears, but I was like, I'm not ready for that emotion.

[00:08:52] Yeah.

[00:08:53] So I stayed away from it for a while.

[00:08:55] But I will say this.

[00:08:57] After that first round of healing, you get to know your triggers.

[00:09:01] And then you get to identify them.

[00:09:03] And that's when you have the work with your mental health professional.

[00:09:07] How do I work through this?

[00:09:09] How do I get to the point where if this comes up, I'm not triggered?

[00:09:14] Right?

[00:09:15] And so everybody needs to really give themselves grace, especially when you start to realize that

[00:09:22] you needed mental health help and then you get it.

[00:09:26] Guess what?

[00:09:26] It's not a cure all.

[00:09:27] And don't think, oh, I was only on this medication for this many months.

[00:09:31] So, you know, it really wasn't that bad.

[00:09:34] You know, like sometimes you're going to need to be on that longer.

[00:09:37] Sometimes you're going to be off of it.

[00:09:38] You need to get back on it because of a specific trigger.

[00:09:41] So that's just what I think is the most important part is realizing when you need help before

[00:09:49] you get to the place where you have no idea what you're wearing.

[00:09:51] Yeah.

[00:09:52] And also realizing, okay, I don't like the way that feels.

[00:09:57] What triggered that?

[00:09:59] All right.

[00:10:00] How do I work through it and work with your mental health professional on how to work through

[00:10:04] it?

[00:10:04] And I will say I probably worked through, I hope 99.9% of my issues.

[00:10:10] I will say I've been doing so good for so long.

[00:10:13] And then this past summer before Labor Day, I was hit with a trigger.

[00:10:21] And this one, it like I had to step back.

[00:10:24] I had to step back.

[00:10:26] And a lot of my supportive family that knew of this journey of mine were just like, are

[00:10:31] you okay?

[00:10:32] And I said, you know, right now I don't know, but I know that I will be.

[00:10:36] I was like, just give me time.

[00:10:37] Like it hasn't soaked in.

[00:10:39] And it's because someone thought that it was okay to expose me to someone that they

[00:10:45] thought I should reconnect with.

[00:10:48] Even though they knew I absolutely said that was not going to happen.

[00:10:53] That was a deal breaker.

[00:10:55] I kicked myself a couple of times of how I dealt with it.

[00:10:58] But honestly, I think I dealt with it in the best way.

[00:11:01] I physically got up and removed myself from the situation.

[00:11:07] And that was the best thing that I could have done because I feel like had I stayed, no

[00:11:12] matter what my reaction, it would have been a reaction that someone would have enjoyed,

[00:11:18] you know, right?

[00:11:19] And it would not, it would have been something that no matter how I reacted, no matter how

[00:11:25] much earlier I reacted, it probably would be something that would just fuel the fire.

[00:11:28] And I said, you know what?

[00:11:29] I'm just removing myself.

[00:11:31] And I realized later on what bothered me so much about that is that the trust was broken

[00:11:37] with this person because you knew the situation and you took it upon yourself like, oh, I'm

[00:11:43] going to mend this when you don't even know what broke it.

[00:11:46] Right.

[00:11:47] And so that's just really huge.

[00:11:50] And I'm like, it's not even a matter of respect.

[00:11:52] I didn't feel safe.

[00:11:54] Yeah.

[00:11:55] And I don't live close to my family.

[00:11:57] I moved very far south in Florida.

[00:12:00] And so when I go to see family and they know situations and they don't respect it, I

[00:12:08] didn't feel safe.

[00:12:09] I felt like I had to look over my shoulder again.

[00:12:12] Right.

[00:12:12] You put me in this position that I didn't think I had to worry about anymore.

[00:12:16] Like when I go to sleep at night, I fall asleep with a smile on my face.

[00:12:21] I noticed myself like all I wanted to do after I removed myself from the situation was get

[00:12:26] home because home was my safe space.

[00:12:29] Home was a place that I didn't have to worry about.

[00:12:31] Do I trust this person that's next to me?

[00:12:34] And is somebody going to show up?

[00:12:36] You know, and I think that people need to really respect other people's boundaries, especially

[00:12:41] when it comes to personal relationships, because you don't know what transpired.

[00:12:47] You don't know what you're triggering.

[00:12:49] Right.

[00:12:49] You don't know what you're bringing about.

[00:12:50] And while this person probably thought because they heard from one side that they were just

[00:12:54] doing this miraculous.

[00:12:56] Yeah.

[00:12:57] Reunion.

[00:12:58] Reunion.

[00:12:59] They don't realize the physical danger that could have came out of them.

[00:13:05] And I'll leave it at that, you know?

[00:13:07] And so, you know, I was just like, that's what bothered me.

[00:13:12] And then I did have an appointment with my psychiatrist a week after.

[00:13:17] And she said, well, what happened?

[00:13:19] And I told her and she said, well, what'd you do?

[00:13:21] I said, I walked away.

[00:13:23] So what do you mean?

[00:13:23] I said, I walked away, removed myself from the situation, you know, did what I need to

[00:13:27] do.

[00:13:27] And I just came back home sooner than expected.

[00:13:30] I said, I did have family that supported me and helped me and made sure I was in a safe

[00:13:34] place.

[00:13:35] She goes, well, what's wrong?

[00:13:37] I said, well, I'm upset.

[00:13:38] She's like, why?

[00:13:39] I said, because I got upset.

[00:13:42] That was still at the point where I got so angry, you know, as that it really just,

[00:13:48] that upset me because it made me realize there was an area of me that wasn't healed.

[00:13:52] Right.

[00:13:53] That wasn't okay.

[00:13:55] Because I'm doing so okay in everything that I do now.

[00:13:57] I'm doing so okay.

[00:13:58] And so for this to put me back and then it put me back to the point where in my safe space,

[00:14:03] I'm back home and I'm still looking over my shoulder.

[00:14:08] And that is what bothered me.

[00:14:10] And it had me reevaluating every relationship that I had.

[00:14:16] Can I keep this one?

[00:14:18] Do I need to cut loose this one?

[00:14:21] What really happened here?

[00:14:23] What really happened here?

[00:14:26] Am I trusting the right people?

[00:14:30] So, well, I can actually tell you, as I went through my own healing journey, that had to happen with me too.

[00:14:36] Right.

[00:14:36] So right after I, you know, finally came through and told everybody what was going on.

[00:14:43] You know, number one, people were terrified.

[00:14:45] But number two, I had a lot of people that were naysaying me and give me a lot of shit.

[00:14:50] And I just finally cut them out of my life because one thing we need to do for our mental health is take care of us.

[00:14:56] Right.

[00:14:57] And so the other thing that my therapist taught me was like, don't give fucking energy to people that just.

[00:15:04] You that just suck it away from you.

[00:15:07] Right.

[00:15:07] Like they give nothing back.

[00:15:08] They just keep sucking the energy.

[00:15:10] And so I'm really proud of you for like taking those steps and getting the help that you need because, you know, at least you noticed that something was wrong.

[00:15:27] Thank you.

[00:15:28] Thank you for saying that.

[00:15:29] And I will say, like, the part where you say at least you knew something was wrong.

[00:15:33] What I will say is part of the healing journey is that you'll figure it out sooner before it gets to the point where, like, did I brush my teeth?

[00:15:41] And you're stuck in a Christmas wardrobe all year round.

[00:15:45] I can totally relate to that.

[00:15:47] I am going through something similar, I think.

[00:15:50] But I mean, I didn't know how to verbalize what you're saying just there.

[00:15:56] But I don't know.

[00:15:58] And maybe that's something I'll learn through my healing journey.

[00:16:01] Like, I don't I didn't know something was wrong until I was in a very similar.

[00:16:06] You know, we've gone too far now.

[00:16:09] And it's hard to deny that something is wrong.

[00:16:12] I didn't I don't think I had the Christmas outfit, but I was losing track of time and memory and thinking, no, I swore I did that.

[00:16:22] Like, I can remember it vividly in my mind that I completed this task.

[00:16:26] I could have even told you what color pen I used.

[00:16:29] Mm hmm.

[00:16:30] And then I realized I never did it.

[00:16:32] I found it undone.

[00:16:33] And that was like, well, something is wrong.

[00:16:38] Right.

[00:16:38] But I think to your point, had I probably stayed in therapy, maybe I would have been better off than to have gotten out of there because, you know, I had issues that I had dealt with.

[00:16:53] I was like, great.

[00:16:53] That was it for me.

[00:16:54] Like, I'm wonderful now.

[00:16:56] And then other things sort of bring you down again.

[00:16:59] And I didn't know until it was too late.

[00:17:02] And then you're like, holy crap, like, how do I get the help I need?

[00:17:06] So, I mean, I'm learning from your story.

[00:17:08] I probably should have went to my primary.

[00:17:11] I because it's like one of those things.

[00:17:12] I'm like, how do I get the help I need?

[00:17:16] Where do I go?

[00:17:17] Because I wasn't to the point where, you know, I'm suicidal.

[00:17:19] Like, I would know what to do in that case, but just knowing something was wrong to a point that I had never experienced it before.

[00:17:28] So I think for anybody listening, going to your primary and having that relationship and being transparent with them probably would have been the right first step for me versus trying to figure it out.

[00:17:40] Like, I knew it was wrong.

[00:17:41] I knew something was broken.

[00:17:43] And I needed to kind of step away from everything.

[00:17:45] Yeah.

[00:17:46] And I will say, and that, that is the one thing that I just tried to let people know all the time if they're interested in knowing.

[00:17:53] Healing is not linear.

[00:17:55] You had a situation, you dealt with it, you were fantastic.

[00:17:58] Something else came up.

[00:18:00] You didn't recognize it, but you recognize the result of it, right?

[00:18:05] Right.

[00:18:05] Now you need to start another journey.

[00:18:07] And there is nothing wrong with that because we get better when we start to recognize all those things and come out of it.

[00:18:15] And we realize we start to recognize them sooner and we come out of it sooner, right?

[00:18:19] And that's where healing comes in.

[00:18:21] And you have to protect your peace.

[00:18:23] And I know a lot of people say this as like a meme or just a quote, but you have to protect your peace.

[00:18:28] And I want people that are listening to this to hear this particular part so much was so important.

[00:18:36] If someone is working to protect their peace, and that means severing a relationship, know that they have mourned the loss of that relationship prior to coming to the point of saying, I can't do this anymore with this particular person.

[00:18:54] And so it's not like, I'm just cutting you off and now I'm wonderful.

[00:18:59] That person went through an emotional journey and had to decide that their mental health and their peace was more important than this toxic relationship.

[00:19:09] So it's not just a matter of, I'm cutting everyone off and I just want everybody around me that like, you know, is rainbows and flowers and butterflies.

[00:19:16] It's literally a whole journey you go through internally and you mourn the loss of this person.

[00:19:22] Yeah, all to come to a point where you keep your peace, when you get your peace.

[00:19:27] And G-Rex is somewhat of, you know, a testament to what I'm saying because she's seen me at a point where I was like at the beginning of that healing journey and I was protecting my peace and nobody knew it because I didn't speak about it.

[00:19:43] But she's seen me grow in a short period of time to places that I didn't even expect to be, to places that I didn't think, oh, in five years, this is what I'm going to be doing.

[00:19:54] Like she's seen that progression.

[00:19:56] And when people bring it up to me, it blows my mind.

[00:19:59] And I'm like, that was really me.

[00:20:03] But that's what happens when you protect your peace and you let go.

[00:20:07] You got to let go.

[00:20:08] You got to let go of everything that's weighing you down.

[00:20:09] And it's so important.

[00:20:12] And I know the loss is huge, but what is waiting for you is so much bigger and so much better.

[00:20:18] And to the point where it humbles me all the time.

[00:20:23] You know, G-Rex, we were having that conversation and you were saying, oh, I'm so proud of my girl and she's done this and this.

[00:20:29] And I go, who?

[00:20:30] I want to meet her.

[00:20:31] You dummy.

[00:20:32] Me?

[00:20:34] And I was like, me?

[00:20:37] Because I'm still like, I'm in it and I'm in awe of it.

[00:20:40] And so I'm like, oh my God, who she's talking about?

[00:20:42] Like, I need to meet this person.

[00:20:43] I need to find out what they're doing so I can get there.

[00:20:46] And then to find out that, oh, wait, that was me.

[00:20:48] It was the topic of it.

[00:20:49] I was like, oh, I'm there?

[00:20:50] Are you sure?

[00:20:51] Like, is it?

[00:20:52] It's so funny.

[00:20:53] It's, you know, I have to go back to what you said about, you know, linear healing.

[00:20:58] So, you know, I've been through my journey now.

[00:21:01] It's like 23 months.

[00:21:03] And, you know, I was doing good all through the summer.

[00:21:05] I was good.

[00:21:06] Come the fall.

[00:21:08] This year, I started to really, I got triggered and I got triggered hard.

[00:21:13] And so, like, last week I went to therapy twice.

[00:21:16] I went to therapy again this week.

[00:21:20] And this time around, instead of me bottling everything up, I was very upfront with people

[00:21:27] on how I felt because as an extrovert and dirty skills Moses, because I hit it for so,

[00:21:32] I hit it so well in 2022.

[00:21:35] Nobody knew.

[00:21:36] But this time I decided not to bottle it up.

[00:21:39] And so, yeah, I'm a little bitchy right now because I'm going through some stuff, but

[00:21:44] I'm proud of myself for opening up and letting people know where I'm at so they can meet

[00:21:48] me where I'm at and not me holding that all in.

[00:21:53] And then both yours and Dirty Skittles point about going to the doctor and getting the help

[00:22:00] that you needed.

[00:22:01] At the time when I was sitting in my room on Christmas Day 2022, I had no idea what to do

[00:22:08] because I live in a very small rural army community.

[00:22:11] I don't have a personal doctor.

[00:22:14] I didn't know what to do.

[00:22:15] So I did.

[00:22:16] I picked up the phone and called 988.

[00:22:18] And so if anybody's out there and you're feeling like that and you don't have some place to

[00:22:23] go to and you don't have somebody you can reach out to, pick up the phone and call 988 or

[00:22:28] text them.

[00:22:29] They will help you.

[00:22:30] It's free.

[00:22:30] It's confidential.

[00:22:33] They saved my life.

[00:22:34] And I'm very thankful for that because I get to do this today.

[00:22:38] And like Will said, you know, take your time.

[00:22:42] Heal yourself.

[00:22:43] Right?

[00:22:44] You're not out there to prove it out to anybody else that you're okay.

[00:22:47] You need to be okay with you.

[00:22:50] So that's my two cents.

[00:22:52] Can I ask you, T-Rex?

[00:22:53] Did you notice your trigger sooner this go around?

[00:22:59] Oh, yeah.

[00:23:00] Yeah.

[00:23:02] And it was tough.

[00:23:03] It was, I'm still kind of dealing with it.

[00:23:06] But yeah, it, I knew right away that it was a trigger and immediately contacted my therapist

[00:23:11] because I didn't know how to handle it.

[00:23:14] You know, journaling was great, but like I still couldn't get that emotion out.

[00:23:17] And I needed to talk to a third person who wasn't in my inner circle, right?

[00:23:22] I needed that third person that didn't have any, have any skin in the game so that they,

[00:23:28] so she could help me figure out what I, what my next steps were.

[00:23:32] I mean, I'm working through those next steps if they're not comfortable, but you know,

[00:23:36] a lot of things in life aren't comfortable.

[00:23:39] But I'm thankful that I had that outlet.

[00:23:42] But I also knew that if I really was like in a dire situation, I could have called or

[00:23:47] texted 988 and they could have given me some resources also.

[00:23:52] Right.

[00:23:53] So.

[00:23:55] Yeah, I think that's where I'm, I think I'm just starting the healing journey, right?

[00:24:00] Like I, I took a step back.

[00:24:02] It's been a couple of weeks, but kind of to your point, right?

[00:24:05] Like the first few days where you're, where you've taken a step back, you're, I don't

[00:24:10] feel like I've been productive in the healing part.

[00:24:13] Like I'm just, I think shell shocked a bit, like coming down from the, you know, fight

[00:24:18] or flight of it all.

[00:24:19] So I'm curious to see, you know, what I get to learn this time.

[00:24:23] Cause I'm very much like I keep stuff to myself, but I self-analyze a lot.

[00:24:30] And I gotta say this one, I have no idea what the trigger was.

[00:24:33] Like, I'm like, what the fuck happened?

[00:24:35] And, you know, it's very much that.

[00:24:37] So we'll have to do like a reconvene after it's all said and done.

[00:24:42] And I mean, we should, and you know, it's, it's the holiday season right now, right?

[00:24:47] There's a lot of things that get triggered around that, you know, politics are triggering,

[00:24:52] family's triggering, everything's triggering, right?

[00:24:55] Find those triggers.

[00:24:56] But, you know, also know that you have options available to you.

[00:25:00] I'm not sure if I said that 988 is free.

[00:25:03] It doesn't cost you a dime.

[00:25:04] Right.

[00:25:05] There's a ton of crisis lines out there.

[00:25:08] Find or find that person, find your person that you can talk to, because I will tell you

[00:25:12] bottling all that up doesn't do any good.

[00:25:16] I, I'm the first to tell you that it doesn't do any good, but you know, from in my defense,

[00:25:21] you know, I'm 61 years old.

[00:25:23] I've been taught my entire life not to talk about mental health and just bottling it up.

[00:25:29] Well, I'm going to tell you, it doesn't play out well.

[00:25:31] So, yeah.

[00:25:32] And like to Will's point, some of it's cultural, right?

[00:25:35] Yeah.

[00:25:35] Like I'm a Latin of descent as well.

[00:25:38] And it's always been kind of walk it off.

[00:25:41] People have it worse.

[00:25:43] Suck it up.

[00:25:44] You know, very much that.

[00:25:45] So to get to a point where you're like, something is wrong.

[00:25:49] I don't know what the fuck is happening, but it's really wrong and I need to seek help.

[00:25:54] That's scary.

[00:25:57] It's scary.

[00:25:57] Well, what were some of the tips and maybe tricks that your therapist gave you that kind

[00:26:02] of helped you to move from point A to point B?

[00:26:08] Oh, wow.

[00:26:09] Thinking back to then.

[00:26:14] Initially it was just, I know the medication did help a lot.

[00:26:20] Having a routine and being outside, I would make myself walk a certain distance every day.

[00:26:25] Being in the sun every day really helped and I didn't shy away from connections.

[00:26:32] And I started connecting very carefully with those who were in my life.

[00:26:39] And it is like, I didn't cut anyone off.

[00:26:41] It was, it really was just, I need to fix this and fix me.

[00:26:45] And so, you know, it was just slowly letting myself back into society, not doing anything

[00:26:53] too heavy.

[00:26:54] Like I said, even watching This Is Us, just making sure I was like, hey, I don't want

[00:26:58] to sit here bawling, even if it's such a beautiful story.

[00:27:01] Like I'm not ready for that emotion.

[00:27:03] And so it was protecting myself and just keeping things light.

[00:27:07] But then also not internalizing was huge.

[00:27:11] That was one thing, not internalizing.

[00:27:13] And that helped because I also, it wasn't building up inside of me.

[00:27:18] And people know how I felt.

[00:27:20] And I didn't say it rudely, which, you know, I could have.

[00:27:25] I make sure to always be like very careful with words because I realized, you know, how

[00:27:30] people didn't realize words would affect me.

[00:27:31] So how am I words affecting people?

[00:27:33] You know, I grew up in an environment where, you know, verbally cutting someone down is just

[00:27:39] the norm, right?

[00:27:41] And so I'm like, wow, this could really, did I ever make any bones feel like this?

[00:27:45] And I'm feeling horrible all over again.

[00:27:47] But yeah, so basically just taking it slow and reintegrating myself back into my social

[00:27:53] spaces, even monitoring what I listened to on the radio, what I listened to on TV, and

[00:27:59] also just being very clear with, okay, this person said this.

[00:28:04] I don't think I'm misinterpreting, but I'm going to ask them, you know, is this in the

[00:28:13] way you meant it?

[00:28:13] Because I don't think it is, right?

[00:28:14] Give them the out.

[00:28:15] I don't think it is.

[00:28:17] Okay, you didn't because let me tell you how I feel about it now.

[00:28:20] And so you don't internalize it, you get it out and people know where you're coming from

[00:28:26] and they're like, you don't even have to draw the line.

[00:28:28] The line is drawn.

[00:28:29] They're like, I'm never seeing that.

[00:28:32] But yeah, it's really just taking it slow.

[00:28:35] Like you don't want to isolate.

[00:28:36] You want to be careful not to isolate, but sometimes you do have to self-isolate a little

[00:28:40] bit to even know, you know, how much you can take, right?

[00:28:44] Yeah.

[00:28:45] How much you can take going back into because say, you know, you're the first person I talked

[00:28:50] to dirty skittles and you don't know what I've been through in the last couple of weeks.

[00:28:54] And I'm just trying to keep it light, right?

[00:28:56] And so I don't want to talk to 10 people.

[00:28:59] I want to see if I can get through this conversation with you.

[00:29:02] Right.

[00:29:03] Because you would purposely come at me with anything that's triggering.

[00:29:06] But am I okay to have a regular conversation where anything could come about?

[00:29:10] And I've even had people that reach out to me on social media that I love, right?

[00:29:15] Love.

[00:29:16] And they're like, here's my number.

[00:29:17] Please call me.

[00:29:18] It would be so nice to hear your voice.

[00:29:19] And I realized the reason why I stopped calling people is because I can't control the questions

[00:29:25] that come at me.

[00:29:27] Yeah.

[00:29:28] And because of that reason, I don't want to have a verbal conversation.

[00:29:33] Same.

[00:29:34] I don't want to feel like, you know, it just came out of left field and just hit me.

[00:29:40] And that tells me, yep, I still got more healing to do.

[00:29:42] Because if they ask me about this person or that person or this relationship or that relationship,

[00:29:47] I need to be able to respond in a way that's not going to shut me down.

[00:29:51] That's not going to set me back.

[00:29:52] That's not going to get me back on the healing train.

[00:29:54] And not that there's anything wrong with that, but I just like what I've got going on daily.

[00:29:59] I don't want to do that right now.

[00:30:02] It's kind of like the conversations that Dirty Skittles and I have.

[00:30:05] I mean, to this day, I still talk to her almost every single day.

[00:30:09] And like we've changed up that conversation, right?

[00:30:11] It's not about work anymore.

[00:30:13] It's about our personal life and things that are going on.

[00:30:15] And it's still having that little bit of laughter.

[00:30:18] But, you know, we know each other's triggers, sort of.

[00:30:22] But, you know, Dirty Skittles helped me through like the hardest time in my entire life.

[00:30:29] You know, at 59 and a half, I didn't know what the fuck was going on.

[00:30:33] I just knew that something was wrong.

[00:30:35] I look back and, you know, like the last couple of weeks have been like super triggering.

[00:30:40] And it's absolutely freeing being able to tell people how you feel instead of keeping that inside of you.

[00:30:47] I was like, God, I feel so much better.

[00:30:50] And like, I don't hold back anymore.

[00:30:52] Like, it's not sitting in my belly, like giving me belly aches at night anymore.

[00:30:56] Like, people actually know how I feel.

[00:30:59] And, you know, I'll apologize to people right now.

[00:31:02] Yeah, I'm a little bitchy.

[00:31:03] But I'm going through some stuff.

[00:31:05] And I need to figure that out.

[00:31:07] But, you know, being open and letting people know where you're at is so freeing.

[00:31:13] And, you know, that's just something that, you know, maybe like pick your crew of who you're going to open up to.

[00:31:19] Right.

[00:31:20] Because not everybody's going to be as receptive.

[00:31:22] And if they're not receptive, step away because your mental health is so much more important than that relationship.

[00:31:30] Right.

[00:31:31] And it may not feel that way at the time.

[00:31:43] Like, that's how I feel like I am right now.

[00:31:45] Like, the people I do open up to are people I feel safe with.

[00:31:49] So, we may have been friends or coworkers, not you and I, but like other people.

[00:31:55] But it doesn't necessarily mean I trust you or feel safe with you enough to tell you, oh, this is what I'm going through.

[00:32:02] So, like, kind of what you were saying, well, like, I've been reached out to and I'm just like, I don't want to have that conversation.

[00:32:09] I just don't want to talk to you, not because I don't like you.

[00:32:12] But I don't, I'm not ready for that.

[00:32:15] Like, I don't know what questions you're going to ask me.

[00:32:18] I also don't want to hear about your shit.

[00:32:21] Right.

[00:32:21] Exactly.

[00:32:22] I need to be completely just by myself right now.

[00:32:26] It's funny that you say that.

[00:32:28] I'm like hearting texts and giving you a thumbs up.

[00:32:31] But that's as far as I can go at the moment.

[00:32:34] Respectfully.

[00:32:34] Funny that you say that because I was critiqued at work years ago.

[00:32:40] And I just want to play these calls back for you.

[00:32:43] And I'm listening.

[00:32:43] I'm like, well, what's the problem?

[00:32:45] Well, when someone says, how are you?

[00:32:46] You don't ask it back.

[00:32:47] I said, because I don't want to know.

[00:32:49] Yeah.

[00:32:49] I'm going to ask the question that I did.

[00:32:51] Why is that wrong?

[00:32:51] No.

[00:32:52] Well, that's just kind of off-putting.

[00:32:54] And I'm like, okay.

[00:32:57] So here I go asking a bunch of customers.

[00:33:01] Yeah.

[00:33:01] Well, how are you?

[00:33:04] Anyway.

[00:33:04] And then they didn't want to tell me.

[00:33:06] I'm like, see, it's a mutual thing.

[00:33:08] I don't want to ask.

[00:33:09] They don't want to tell me we're fine.

[00:33:12] I know.

[00:33:13] And I'm just going to write this down as a note and say, hey, listen to this call.

[00:33:17] Yeah.

[00:33:18] Realize how this question isn't getting me any stars, right?

[00:33:23] So I just thought that was the funniest thing.

[00:33:24] I'm like, see, not everybody wants to answer that question either.

[00:33:28] But I'm like, yeah, I don't ask because if I don't, well, if I don't ask you, I don't

[00:33:32] want the answer.

[00:33:33] And sometimes it's not even about, oh, because I don't want to be that listening ear.

[00:33:36] Sometimes it's like, listen, I got my own shit.

[00:33:39] Yeah.

[00:33:40] And I can't take your shit too.

[00:33:42] And what I realized through this whole thing is that a lot, I'm very sensitive to other

[00:33:48] people's going on, right?

[00:33:50] Like I worry about people's situations more than they do.

[00:33:53] Like they tell me something.

[00:33:54] I'm like, oh my goodness, didn't hear from them.

[00:33:56] This clearly had to happen.

[00:33:58] And it's just like, oh, I'm like going through all these emotions on their behalf, right?

[00:34:04] So you have to protect your peace in that way too.

[00:34:07] Like, you know, there's just some things you just can't expose yourself to at that time.

[00:34:11] That doesn't mean I never want to hear it.

[00:34:13] It just means that this time I can't.

[00:34:15] Right.

[00:34:15] Right.

[00:34:16] Even if it's like people reaching out to like share war stories, I don't, I'm not ready

[00:34:20] for that shit either.

[00:34:21] Like I'm like, I can't do it now.

[00:34:25] Yeah.

[00:34:25] One day, baby.

[00:34:26] You're trying to get out of the trenches.

[00:34:27] You're not trying to pull yourself back in and remember being there.

[00:34:31] Not that's why, but like, you're just in this space now where you're like, I got over that

[00:34:35] hurdle.

[00:34:36] Let me keep going.

[00:34:37] Yeah.

[00:34:37] Do not drag me back down.

[00:34:39] And, you know, well, you know, being an empath, right?

[00:34:42] That's what I am.

[00:34:44] So I was taking in everybody else's shit, not taking care of my own shit.

[00:34:49] Well, you know, getting into therapy.

[00:34:50] And then I threw up some boundaries.

[00:34:52] And now I don't, now like you go through your own shit is I am definitely going through my

[00:34:57] own shit and I don't have time for your shit.

[00:34:59] Okay.

[00:35:01] Listen, this is not going to benefit me.

[00:35:04] We're going to have to revisit this at another time.

[00:35:06] And, you know, thinking of dirty Skittles and like her putting up her boundaries.

[00:35:10] And it's so important when you're going through those mental health struggles that you put those

[00:35:16] boundaries up because they're there for a reason.

[00:35:19] Right.

[00:35:19] Right.

[00:35:19] Before, like my cloak would like absorb stuff in.

[00:35:23] Well, now I reverse that.

[00:35:25] And it's a shield because I need to keep that shit away from me.

[00:35:29] Right.

[00:35:29] I need to protect my mental health and, you know, be that cheery little Christmas gnome that

[00:35:36] y'all know.

[00:35:37] Right.

[00:35:37] Like the last couple of weeks, I have not been that cheery little Christmas gnome because

[00:35:43] I'm going through my stuff.

[00:35:45] But people noticed the difference in me this time than they did two years ago because I

[00:35:51] vocalized where I was.

[00:35:53] And I think that's really important that if you're going through some shit, you need to

[00:35:57] let people know you're going through some shit.

[00:36:00] Right.

[00:36:00] Like keeping it inside doesn't do you any good.

[00:36:03] All right.

[00:36:04] Great way to get an officer.

[00:36:07] You're right.

[00:36:08] And honestly, I'm just kind of glad that, you know, two years ago, you've got the help

[00:36:13] because I wouldn't want the story to be different today.

[00:36:16] Right.

[00:36:16] I'm glad you are where you are today because I'm one of those people that you brought the

[00:36:22] sunshine to me almost every day when I saw you.

[00:36:25] Right.

[00:36:25] So I would have just been in disbelief and crushed.

[00:36:29] Right.

[00:36:31] So that just would have like blown me away, especially.

[00:36:33] And it's so funny because you always say like, oh, I'm feeling bitchy right now, whatever.

[00:36:38] And there were a couple of times where like you would raise your voice at me and somebody

[00:36:41] be like, oh, she's upset.

[00:36:43] No, she's not.

[00:36:43] Plus, she's going to apologize later.

[00:36:46] You know, because she didn't mean it.

[00:36:48] I'm like, she didn't mean it.

[00:36:50] And I just.

[00:36:53] People who didn't really know you would just be like, oh, she's really mad at you.

[00:36:56] No, she's not.

[00:36:59] No, she's not.

[00:37:00] So just knowing who you are as a person, it's like, OK, clearly there's something going

[00:37:06] on over there, but it's definitely not directed at me.

[00:37:08] But you're OK.

[00:37:09] You know, but just to know that you.

[00:37:11] You.

[00:37:13] Found a way to get help and that, like I said, you're here, just the fact that you're

[00:37:17] here is huge and it's huge to me.

[00:37:19] And I know it's huge to so many people that know you, because like I said, you would bring

[00:37:24] that ray of sunshine every single day, no matter what was going on for other people.

[00:37:29] So I would have never known had you not said it, had you not verbalized what was going

[00:37:33] on right after you had seen help.

[00:37:34] I was just like, oh, my goodness.

[00:37:36] I was like.

[00:37:38] Well, you know, I didn't know this, but that's what is important, too, right?

[00:37:41] People don't know what people are going through.

[00:37:43] People don't know when people are going through something to the point that they feel like they

[00:37:46] can't handle it anymore.

[00:37:48] And a lot of people dismiss it.

[00:37:50] And being an extrovert, you know, we hide our stuff very well.

[00:37:53] Like I said, you didn't know.

[00:37:56] Dirty Skittles didn't know.

[00:37:57] My family didn't know.

[00:37:58] Even my wife didn't know.

[00:38:00] There were clues.

[00:38:01] And so like in my book, I write what those clues are so that when people are reading it

[00:38:07] and they have a friend, a family member, a colleague, a next door neighbor that you see acting

[00:38:13] a little differently, things that you can do, things you can help them with, right?

[00:38:19] Because for me, I didn't know how to, I didn't know where my footing or my voice

[00:38:23] were because I didn't know what was going on.

[00:38:26] And that's where therapy and, you know, the first, you know, the first thing was calling

[00:38:31] 988.

[00:38:33] They helped me find my voice.

[00:38:35] And then when I went downstairs and talked to my wife, you know, I cried for three hours.

[00:38:41] And then the very next day, I talked to Dirty Skittles and we laughed about some super

[00:38:47] irreverent shit.

[00:38:48] And I laughed and we, and I, you know, that was my healer, right?

[00:38:53] Sharing my story and laughing about it and being super vulnerable.

[00:38:58] And that's how the podcast came about because people deserve a voice.

[00:39:04] Oh, well, I will say I've graduated out of Christmas pajamas.

[00:39:09] I only buy no pattern set and pajamas.

[00:39:12] So if everybody see me out in the street in pajamas, at least they'll be fancy.

[00:39:18] They don't match.

[00:39:19] They don't match.

[00:39:22] But yeah, it's definitely something that I never thought I would sit back and laugh at.

[00:39:26] And I've had people say to me, and it's like the whole journey is just so different for

[00:39:30] everyone, but there are different elements that come into play.

[00:39:33] Like I've had people, oh, come on, let's go do this.

[00:39:36] And I said, you know, I really can't today.

[00:39:37] And I was honest.

[00:39:38] I can't today.

[00:39:39] I'm just, I'm having a depression battle.

[00:39:42] And right now I just can't go out today.

[00:39:45] What do you have to be depressed about?

[00:39:47] Do you have this?

[00:39:48] Sounds like the happy person to me.

[00:39:51] I said, okay, we're not having this conversation again.

[00:39:55] Wow.

[00:39:58] Fuck those people.

[00:40:00] Oh, I'm not having this conversation anymore.

[00:40:02] But yeah, I think the big takeaway for me, like I said, and I'll keep saying when protect

[00:40:07] your peace, if you know someone is working to protect your peace and you know what boundary

[00:40:12] they set, respect it.

[00:40:13] You don't have to understand it.

[00:40:15] Just respect it.

[00:40:16] You know, or you too could end up on that do not answer list, right?

[00:40:21] Nothing wrong with that.

[00:40:23] And then also like just knowing who you are, being honest with how you're feeling, because

[00:40:28] even if you don't know how to work through it, knowing that you need help and know where

[00:40:32] to get help to work through it, right?

[00:40:34] And then know that every little trigger that comes around is not going to have the same

[00:40:39] reaction.

[00:40:41] But identifying the trigger, figuring out how to heal from the trigger and keep moving and

[00:40:46] laugh.

[00:40:47] Like there's sometimes I'll be cleaning my stove in the kitchen, playing music and dancing.

[00:40:52] And I'll just go, wow, you know, I've been through all this and I still smile.

[00:40:57] I still laugh.

[00:40:58] I still dance.

[00:41:00] I go, no one will believe this.

[00:41:02] And then I just go back to my dancing and my smiling.

[00:41:04] But you just realize like there's just so much more, you know, and there's so many different

[00:41:10] things that you can do.

[00:41:11] Like who you surround yourself with or who you don't surround yourself with.

[00:41:14] There's just so many things like I've learned.

[00:41:16] And I started, I never had a green thumb.

[00:41:19] I don't feel like my thumb is green now, but I feel like I'm experimenting and my experiments

[00:41:23] are working out.

[00:41:24] But it excites me.

[00:41:25] It relaxes me.

[00:41:26] It changes my focus.

[00:41:28] You know, it seems like a small win when my plant's not dead in the morning because I

[00:41:32] did something right, right?

[00:41:33] Just learning and doing different things and different hobbies is just so freeing because

[00:41:38] it may seem like the simplest thing, even if it's just like a craft or something, even

[00:41:42] if you're doing a work, it's changing your focus and it's relaxing your mind and it's

[00:41:47] bringing you back into focus.

[00:41:49] So if there's something that you need to take care of, you can.

[00:41:52] But yeah, so just please just protect your peace.

[00:41:56] Protect your peace.

[00:41:57] That is the most important thing.

[00:41:59] Protect your peace.

[00:42:01] Because, you know, there's so many, so much crap out in the world, right?

[00:42:05] That wants to take that peace away from you.

[00:42:08] But we can kind of control some of that.

[00:42:11] And I'm serious, though.

[00:42:13] Vocalize when you're not feeling good.

[00:42:15] If you're not feeling good, vocalize it.

[00:42:19] That was the hardest lesson for me was being able to share what was going on.

[00:42:25] But once I did, it was freeing.

[00:42:27] And like I said, the last couple of weeks, people know exactly where I stand.

[00:42:32] Not sugarcoating it.

[00:42:33] Yeah, I'm going through some shit.

[00:42:36] I'm working through my shit.

[00:42:37] It's going to take a while to get through it.

[00:42:40] But I'm working through it.

[00:42:41] And for people that, like, are afraid to, like, pick up the phone and call 988, if there's

[00:42:49] another resource you can use, too, it's called the helphub.co.

[00:42:54] And it's broken down into categories.

[00:42:56] And that you can actually, like, find the thing that's troubling you.

[00:43:00] And it gives you, like, there's mental health resources out there.

[00:43:04] There's toolkits.

[00:43:05] I used it.

[00:43:05] I just used it last week because I didn't know what to do.

[00:43:09] And because I couldn't get a hold of my therapist.

[00:43:11] So, you know, there's resources out there.

[00:43:13] But please, people, take care of yourself.

[00:43:15] It's tough times right now.

[00:43:16] You are important.

[00:43:17] You're enough.

[00:43:18] People need you.

[00:43:19] People love you.

[00:43:21] And I will say that life on this side of depression is a thousand times better than

[00:43:25] it was two years ago.

[00:43:27] So that's my piece.

[00:43:30] It really is.

[00:43:31] It's awesome.

[00:43:33] I love that.

[00:43:34] Well, thank you for sharing your story.

[00:43:35] I mean, this will have to probably chat again when I'm not going through my own shit.

[00:43:40] But no, I think this is wonderful for anybody listening who doesn't know where to go or what

[00:43:45] to do, you know, where you're not alone.

[00:43:48] And we're all going through something similar, if not the same shit.

[00:43:52] So, you know.

[00:43:53] And give yourself some grace.

[00:43:55] Yes.

[00:43:56] Yeah.

[00:43:57] Patience and grace, man.

[00:43:58] That's just give yourself patience and grace.

[00:44:01] Not every...

[00:44:02] And protect your peace.

[00:44:03] And protect your peace.

[00:44:04] And not every day is going to be...

[00:44:04] That's our lesson.

[00:44:05] And not every day is going to be rainbows and sunshine.

[00:44:08] I'm telling you.

[00:44:09] Yeah.

[00:44:09] But do what makes you happy and take care of yourselves.

[00:44:13] Thank you so much, Will.

[00:44:14] Thank you.

[00:44:14] Thank you.

[00:44:15] Thank you.

[00:44:16] Thank you both so much for having me and for letting me, you know, just kind of communicate

[00:44:20] and speak.

[00:44:21] And hopefully this helps someone.

[00:44:22] Because you never...

[00:44:23] What I realized in the past few weeks too is you never know who's watching you.

[00:44:27] And not in a bad way, but they're watching you in a way of admiration and looking up

[00:44:30] to you.

[00:44:31] And they need to know that it's not all rainbows and roses, but with the right tools.

[00:44:38] Yeah.

[00:44:38] That's what it can be most of the time, right?

[00:44:40] And you can't get to that place.

[00:44:43] And so if there's anyone that I helped today, I appreciate it.

[00:44:48] Yay.

[00:44:48] Thank you so much.

[00:44:50] Hi, y'all.

[00:44:51] Thank you so much for listening to this episode.

[00:44:53] I'm G-Rex.

[00:44:54] And I'm Dirty Skittles.

[00:44:55] Don't forget to subscribe, rate, and review this podcast.

[00:44:59] We'd love to listen to your feedback.

[00:45:01] We can't do this without you guys.

[00:45:04] It's okay to be not okay.

[00:45:06] Just make sure you're talking to someone.

[00:45:59] Hey, everybody.

[00:46:00] I'm Trevor Sikkim, a host of the PFF NFL show here to tell you what you can find on all

[00:46:04] of our shows throughout the week.

[00:46:06] On Mondays, we have the grade release show where myself and Donald Wasserman break down

[00:46:09] every single game that you just saw in the NFL.

[00:46:11] On Tuesdays, we have the quarterback breakdown with Seth Galena.

[00:46:15] On Wednesdays, we've got the rookie review with John Ledyard and the preview for the upcoming

[00:46:19] week in the NFL.

[00:46:20] So make sure you are subscribed to the PFF NFL show wherever you get your podcasts.